Cheating And Forgiveness

[habibti4allah7]

okaymy aunt has cried her heart out to me today because she still feels hurt and heartbroken after her husband had cheated on her. she has forgave him and been trying to make things work out with her husband but she cant stop thinking about it. they have been mrried for about ten years now and she had ask for my advice. i did not know what to tell her because i dont know about cheating and forgiveness in islam. is it okay to forgive a man after cheating? she has cried many night she told me because its harram to not please her husband and make him happy but she has not been happy lately. she has told him about it because he becomes very angry and tells her that its harram to not please him. can someone please give me advice so i can help my aunt

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you habibti4allah7;and welcome to the forum

It must be very hard for your aunt to live with the knowledge that her husband has cheated on her and is not happy. But I believe it is right and just that your aunt should forgive her husband because it is a way of taking away her anger and this is what a Buddhist says about anger.

It is like picking up a burning coal with the intention of throwing it at your enemy, but the person who gets burned is yourself.

The question of rebuilding the marriage is separate to forgiveness and that is only something that she and her husband can work out between themselves. Maybe they could ask a counsellor or Imam to help them. I suspect if the husband say the wife is not pleasing him it is probable that he is not pleasing her either.

The brake down of the marriage has probably been a gradual process over its ten year life, any possible solutions would depend on one of them making life changing differences, and the cheating has to stop

The most any one could do is pray that they might find peace, maybe one of the brothers or sisters can give you the Islamic view on this.

In the spirit of praying for peace and reconciliation

Eric

[Grace Seeker]

There are two types of forgiveness:

There is the type that says you are forgiven but remembers the wrong done to them and brings it up every time something similar happens. It holds the forgiveness over someone threatening to drop it like an axe on their neck. This is false forgiveness. Don't offer it. Don't accept it. Run like crazy from it.

Then there is the type that says the past is past and all we can do is learn from it. It does not hold to the anger or the hurt, but releases it to the past. It forgets the pain and moves one, even willing to risk the same thing happening a second time because it values the future of the relationship more than it values harboring the hurt from the past. If your aunt can do this, I think she will find her life blessed and able to bless her husband. If she can't do that, it is more honest to say that she still hurts and isn't ready to move on, than to move on when it is a lie.

So there you have three choices for your aunt:
1) false forgiveness
2) honest forgiveness
3) honest resentment

While I don't recommend resentment, I prefer honest resentment to false forgiveness any day.