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Coping with Overzealousness at Home
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Sheikh Sa`d b. `Abd Allah al-Shabânât|
Source
Let us look at a common scenario:
A man and woman get married. Both of them are Muslims who practice their faith to a certain extent, but not as much as they should. They love each other very much and spend a number of years together in an atmosphere of affection and mutual understanding, during which Allah blesses them with children.
Then Allah, in His immense grace, blesses them with guidance and they become more religious. One partner – let us say in this case the husband – becomes extremely devoted. He wakes up every night for the
tahajjud prayer, and he endeavors to make every activity in his life with the intention of pleasing Allah.
The wife also becomes more religious. She observes all of her prayers and performs many voluntary acts of worship. She is happy with the stronger commitment to faith in the home. However, she begins to feel that her husband loves her less than before. She also feels estranged from him. Though she is also a committed and devoted Muslim, she feels the need for recreation, joviality, and diversion as well, both for herself and for her children. She enjoys reading – and not just religious books. She feels the need to socialize with other women, and cannot tolerate living in total seclusion. Furthermore, she feels the need to provide her children with a variety of experiences so that they can develop properly. They cannot remain in isolation. They need to experience the world around them.
After many years of love and mutual understanding, she feels that she and her husband are drifting apart, becoming strangers. Her whole lifestyle has changed, and she wonders: is this really what Islam demands from the Muslims? Is her husband correct in retreating from all forms of recreation and social interaction?
This is something commonly experienced in families when individuals become more religiously committed. The first thing that the wife in the above example should know is that her husband still loves her and still enjoys sharing his life with her. At this time more than ever he needs her support. He has recently become committed to his religion and he does not really understand what it means to do so. It will take him time to learn what it really means to be a religiously committed Muslim. The changes that she sees in him are caused by the fact that he is living through a period of uncertainty and instability. He senses that religiousness requires from him to abandon the things that he had been doing before, and he wishes to apply this religiousness upon himself and those who live with him. This causes him to suffer from stress, since his household has been used to a certain way of life for many years and it is not easy to change everything at once.
Therefore, someone experiencing this behavior from a spouse as seen in the example above – and especially a wife from her husband – is advised to do as follows:
1. Exercise patience and seek Allah’s reward for doing so, since this is one of the gates to Paradise. It is also a means to preserving the love and affections that has existed in the family for years, wherein the spouse who has changed has shown the true love that resides in the heart. In the example above, the wife has already developed a deep understanding of her husband and knows of his love for her. For this, he deserves to have her stand by him at this trying time in his life. Also, being patient at this time is necessary for the sake of the children. Patience, Allah willing, will bring about what is good for everyone concerned.
2. It is upon the other spouse – the wife in our example – to restore equilibrium and balance to the home. To do so, she must restore her husband to a proper balance. This requires a proper understanding of what religiousness actually entails. It does not mean to be overbearing and severe, and to withdraw from the world. Religiousness is not confined to the narrow practice of a few acts of worship to the exclusion of all else.
He needs to acquire this understanding. However, the only way that this is going to happen is through calm discussion at an appropriate time. She must avail herself of the times when he is calm to approach these matters. She may also use some Islamic video programs or other indirect means with him. No doubt this will require patience and a lot of time. Allah’s help should be sought, for surely Allah is the one upon whom we must rely.
3. It is imperative to learn about Islam and to become knowledgeable in Islamic teachings. This is vital for two important reasons. First, it will strengthen her religiousness, a religiousness that is balanced and moderate. Second, it will allow her to discuss religious matters with her husband in a correct, knowledgeable, and insightful manner.
4. It is important to safeguard the children, as much as possible, from becoming affected by the disagreement between the husband and wife. They should never be involved in the disagreement or dragged into in any way. They should not even be allowed to feel that there is any problem. If the children sense that there is a problem between their parents, the household will be thrown even further out of balance. Problems can develop between the children at home and with their academic performance at school.
5. It is of utmost importance to seek Allah’s help. Everything in the heavens and the Earth belong to Allah, and our supplications to Allah are what help us the most in these matters. We must ask Allah to guides us to how we can best cope with our circumstances. We must ask him to open the hearts of our loved ones to what is best and to restore the love to what it used to be.