Cant say No!

[anonymous]

Assalamualikum wr wb

Hope you are all in the best of health and imaan.

I have a problem which has been with me since as far as I can remember. I am a very helping person, and will sometimes go out of my way to help others. If someone has asked me for help, I have almost never said no to them, even though i may not be of much help.

However there is people out there who have taken advantage of me all my life. For example when I was in high school, i would do half of the class's homework, because they knew i wouldnt refuse to do it. My family would sometimes be very annoyed at me... and my 'friends' would try to teach me to say 'no' to others but yet take advantage of me at the same time.

Alhamdullilah since i left school, i havent been faced with people asking me to do their work... I am at university and very very busy with my own work. However my neighbour, who is very aware that i will never say no... has pressurised me to help her with a course she is doing. She is pregnant so she finds it difficult to sit for long periods and work, so she asked me to help her with her coursework. She knows very little about it herself, and basicly i spent a good couple of hours and did it for her....

Firstly, i know this is considered as cheating... am i responsible? will i be questioned about it?

She is asking me again to finish off her final coursework. How do i get out of it? I dont have time to explain it all to her so that she can do it herself.... and she just doesnt know any of it, it would be impossibleto get her to write it herself. She doesnt make any effort... and i know she will make me feel bad for it and talk me into it. She has already decided that i will 'help' her with the remaining 2 year course. What shall i do? i find it very difficult to just plainly say no.

Please advise sisters and brothers.

wasalaam

[AvarAllahNoor]

Stand your ground. DO NOT br a pushover or as you know, people use you.

[Pk_#2]

Ouch, oh no!

I hate saying 'No' aswell...Buh sometimes i do and before you know it they've forgotten! And moved onto the next person, lazy people, pray for them, as for your neighbour, tell her you don't want to be liable for helping her cheat and give blunt expressions i feel she will get the message then smile and leave, that way she will know you are not mad at her, but don't want yourself to be in a tircky position,

leave it at that,

Peace.

[NoName55]

she asked me to help her with her coursework. She knows very little about it herself, and basicly i spent a good couple of hours and did it for her....

salaam

Do you not think that you are damaging their future prospects by doing that?

Teaching people is one thing because that helps increase your and their knowledge, but doing their homework/coursework is quite another.

Its not being helpful, it's called some thing else

ma'asalaama

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[afriend]

:sl:

Masha'Allah as AD said that truly is a great characteristic, I personally have the same problem (blessing?).

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger :) having said that, I don't mean let yourself become the slave of society, I mean, it's like you're doing 2 courses for uni at the same time, and wow I find that pretty amazing, just shows what kind of potential you have :)

:w:

[anonymous]

:sl:

Do you not think that you are damaging their future prospects by doing that?

Teaching people is one thing because that helps increase your and their knowledge, but doing their homework/coursework is quite another.

Its not being helpful, it's called some thing else

I think your right. I am doing something very wrong, which will harm both of us - But how do i explain that to her ?

Sometimes its impossible to convince another person that what they are doing is not good for them...even though they think it is.

And i have attempted to sit with her and teach her... i wouldnt feel bad if that was the case. I just dont have the time to sit with her and go through it, hence to get out of that i just did it for her. It seemed like an easier option.

MashaAllah what an excellent character you have! :)

No i think there is a limit which I have crossed. I am harming myself and others because i cant say 'no'. I think that shows i am a very weak person.. nothing to praise.

You could tell her about exams, if she doesn't know the stuff, how will she pass them? And perhaps you could also warn her that if she's not going to learn it herself, how would she manage if she was going to get a job in a field related to her degree?

Just to clarify, is she doing a different course to you? If so, how do you manage to learn stuff for two different degrees? :ooh:

If not, then I'm assuming you would both be getting same assignments? How would you be able to do them without making them both seem like your own work? Universities usually have very strict guidelines about collusion/plagiarism...if you're suspected of such a thing, you could be penalised...

I am studying for a degree, she is doing a course which i think would be equivalent to A levels... its a child care course and because i have a little bit of background knowledge of psychology i can help her pass. Although my degree is nothing related to her course.

[GhettoMuslimah]

:sl:
I know it might b very hard but saying no is the best thing for her.Cheating will not get her anywhere nd as well as dis if she gets found out she could land into a lot of trouble.:) :)
:w:

[Maidah]

bro if you don't mind me asking what degree are you doing. I mean is it related to hers or do you have a great deal of background knowledge about what she is doing??

[Snowflake]

From the little knowledge I have, even the prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would help others without saying no too, so definitely a praiseworthy trait to have!

But regardless, I can understand how it must feel if I was in your position, mainly because I've experienced this kind of emotional blackmail thing myself. You're in a difficult position, the best and only way to get out of it, is to tell her, to her face, that you can't help because you're very busy with your own work. You just have to tell her outright. Sure, she'll just try and persuade you more, but since you've said no to her once, it'll be easier for you to tell her again. May Allah make things easy for you, ameen.

yeh, but the Prophet (PBUH) didn't do other people's homework loq! He helped people who were genuinely needy. Pregnancy isn't an illness. The sis can always sit comfortably propped up with pillows in bed and do her homework there. After all when she isn't standing, she is sitting down somewhere isn't she? And what happens when the baby arrives? She'll be asking anon sis too change diapers too! This case isn't a genuine need.


To anon sis..

How do i get out of it? I dont have time to explain it all to her so that she can do it herself.... and she just doesnt know any of it

You're right hun, there are limits as to how much one can/should do for another. When those limits are crossed, instead of being helpful we become doormats. Tell the sis, you'd love to help but you do not have time to do her and your own work as well. If she doesn't know anything, then what has she been doing so far? Suggest she talks to the teacher and gets help with her weakpoints. If you do everything for her, she won't gain the knowledge she is supposed to. Imagine she gets a job in child-care? She won't know how to manage anything.

Simply, say Sorry but NO! Trust me people get over it quicker than you think. And if they really are friends, they should be understanding of your needs too. Only do what you can comfortably. Remember there's no point in helping anyone when inside you are grudging it.


:w:

[chacha_jalebi]

salaam:D

its hard sayin no especially when people need help, but like you said its gettin in way of your work. so you got be strong and say no to them:D

but manz thinks you should do the work, but do it realy wrong :p that should teach them a lesson:D and then they wont ask again

bcos dont help ppl who use you, only help true friends and geniune peeps, ooo ye :shade:

[anonymous]

Hey gurl can u do my work 4 me 2 stressin me out! :D

lol seriously sis whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!!! theres bein NYC n then theres gettin treated like a push over n as harsh as i may sound it sounds like u da latter 2 me, maaaaaaan uni work itself is stresin n a half widout havin oda ppls to do n all, tell her NO simple as, fair dos shes pregnant, but so wat, theres loadsa ppl i know hu bin in d same position, they managed im sure sh can. shes jus bein PLAIN LAZY. tell her 2 move her own ass n do her own stuff. Plus wat satisfaction does sh get knowin sh done well but not cos sh earned it or deservd to do well but becos of sum1 else?? ahhh i dunno man

if all else fails tho, get her 2 PAY ya for duin it 4 her ahahahah dat way u get sumat outta it 2

lol messin

take it easy gal, dee 1 n only ----------- xX

P.s. wat u know bout teachin :D drop me a line gal i cud do wid ya help ahahahha jkkkkkkkkke xx

[Kittygyal]

salamualikum.
Agree with sis Muslimah
Ma'assalama

[AnonymousPoster]

I am not the first anon, just here to share what I think is a direct and best approach.
sit your friend down, and ask her, do you think my doing your work for you, that it is ethical? Are you personally satisfied taking credit for someone else's work. Hopefully she will realize the error of her ways, or is she bad mouths you to others for not doing her homework, then she is already proven herself a backbiter.

I really don't like the pregnancy excuse. Being pregnant doesn't preclude you from doing homework.
In fact let me share a story that is close to my heart, I have had contact with this lady personally.
she was a Muslim sister and one of the highest educated. She came to America with her husband who was a professional, he actually went to pakistan to marry her, but she came from an excellent family and was very highly educated.

Anyhow, He abused her for years, like I can't describe to you, what that means.. let's just put it this way, she was 7 months pregnant as he was kicking her in her stomach so she would lose the baby, he would slap her until her broke her teeth and would cause her to bleed, she would beg him to stop, at least not to do it in front of her two other kids but he humiliated her constantly, that even the neighbors couldn't bear her screams one night they called the police on him. and with that her kicked her out of the house, everyone can see she was brusied but she didn't press any charges hoping he wouldn't leave her alone in a new country. Anyhow she kept bunking at friend's house for a couple of weeks with her two other children and finally someone gave her a garage to live in and she earned a living cleaning people's houses.

Please understand when I say she was highly educated I meant it, so she saved up her little money from cleaning to study equivlant for the board exams and she passed them, while pregnant, while caring for two other kids and while living in a friend's garage and cleaning houses, and MashAllah now she has a wonderful job, and three beautiful children. I believe her husband got deported and lost his license to do his job. I must admit, it is one of the first time I have ever seen justice first hand, but I can't call it anything else but mercy from Allah, she found caring people to look after her kids while she was cleaning and gave her a place to live even if it were crap. and the rest she did all on her own.

Moral of the story. I don't think anyone had it harsher than this lady, May Allah always bless her and her children, but she never went skulking to other people, or taking a hand out or asking them to do her homework.
Maybe the next time this lady asks you to do work for her you can mention this story and get her grounded a little bit.
:w:

[lolwatever]

jus say u would if u could, but ur bizzy n ull be free later?

tc salams

ps: imt alkn about helpin in general.. not cheatin.

[anonymous]

JazakAllahu Khair for your replies.

Okay it just sort of hit me... that i am doing alot of damage by doing this. I have helped her complete her first assignment, well literally wrote it out for her. But inshAllah i will be able to say no to her if she asks me again.... I mean if i am able to do so, i will help to explain with the best of my ability, and i will ask her to write out what she understands, and not what i understand. Otherwise i am just as guilty as her for cheating. And i will explain that neither of us are benefitting from it.

And if i dont have the guts to say no... i'll use chacha jalebis, once again wise advice lol.

Thank you for your replies.

:w: