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ryanfahey
05-02-2007, 06:28 AM
i am nearly 19 years old,
my mother converted to Islam when i was under 10 years old, my parents have been divorced since i was a baby. i am an American.
i was exposed to Islam at a very young age, and when i was around 13 i decided i wanted to be a Muslim. i took shahada, and that was about it. i have lived with my non Muslim father since i was about 8. and my step father (from india) has treated me like a piece of furniture ever since i can remember. i assume it is because i remind him of what he considers to be the past of my mother.

this is not the issue..just some background.

i grew up like any normal American... school, video games, skateboarding, organized sports. then i began playing music. when i was a little older i began smoking marijuana and tried drinking a few times....my father pretty much just let me run free like most other American parents. and my mother had in practice moved on and did the best she could to continue her new family. our relationship was horrible, i would visit her and attend jummah with my younger siblings but when my vacation was over i would fly back home and slowly lose grip on Islam. in many ways i received much more support from my father to be what i have become than from my mother supporting what i should be. but its my fault (if you can blame an 8 year old child)because i chose not to live with my stepfather who wouldn't accept me because he wasn't recognized by me as my father.

now that you have a taste of the confusion that rests in my mind ...let me present my "issue"

in high school i met a girl, her name is sam.
although in the back of my mind i knew it was haram, i began dating her.
she was a confused girl half a year older than me and i promised her the world....
you have to understand that my non Muslim father thought that i was homosexual before this because i wasn't interested in dating lots of girls and looking at porn magazines.

i was very naive when we met.
never the less a relationship continued. we were high school sweethearts of the loser population in my school(neither of us being very popular)

when our relationship started i was very clear about my belief in Islam(HOW IRONIC..(and immature)) and she was very interested. i look back at how stupid i was to confess my faith to someone who is strictly haram to me in the context of Islam.

we have been together for nearly four years now.
since then her family has abandoned her for being 18, graduated, and supposedly adult. she has lived with my father and i for over a year now.

she wants to be a muslim, and i want to be a better muslim, and we cant just live unmarried forever.

i have no money for college or any way to support myself on terms greater than minimum wage. and my father is beginning to get tired of us in his house.
we both pay rent.

a while back i broke in and told my mother of my girlfriend. she flipped out and wouldn't leave me alone about it untill she was convinced we were seperated. we are not separated at all.

minus my fathers small amount of support we have nobody.

i went to jummah for the first time by myself last Friday, and it was very nice.

problem being the nearest mosque is 2 cities away. it is a salafi group(i know very little about different groups within Islam...but salafi seems quite a bit strict and not very open)

i am afraid that if we try to get married, the mosque will tell us to separate. which although the relationship is haram, i think given the faith we share and the intentions we have...it would be wrong to separate..am i wrong??

my girlfriend has a scholarship of 75% tuition at any Florida college, but we cant exactly go and join an msa as boyfriend and girlfriend.

and if we were to marry,( which is what we both want)how can we afford to live on our own and hopefully go to college without any help at all.

i appreciate any feedback,
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Medina83
05-02-2007, 11:39 AM
Originally Posted by ryanfahey
i am nearly 19 years old,
my mother converted to Islam when i was under 10 years old, my parents have been divorced since i was a baby. i am an American.
i was exposed to Islam at a very young age, and when i was around 13 i decided i wanted to be a Muslim. i took shahada, and that was about it. i have lived with my non Muslim father since i was about 8. and my step father (from india) has treated me like a piece of furniture ever since i can remember. i assume it is because i remind him of what he considers to be the past of my mother.

this is not the issue..just some background.

i grew up like any normal American... school, video games, skateboarding, organized sports. then i began playing music. when i was a little older i began smoking marijuana and tried drinking a few times....my father pretty much just let me run free like most other American parents. and my mother had in practice moved on and did the best she could to continue her new family. our relationship was horrible, i would visit her and attend jummah with my younger siblings but when my vacation was over i would fly back home and slowly lose grip on Islam. in many ways i received much more support from my father to be what i have become than from my mother supporting what i should be. but its my fault (if you can blame an 8 year old child)because i chose not to live with my stepfather who wouldn't accept me because he wasn't recognized by me as my father.

now that you have a taste of the confusion that rests in my mind ...let me present my "issue"

in high school i met a girl, her name is sam.
although in the back of my mind i knew it was haram, i began dating her.
she was a confused girl half a year older than me and i promised her the world....
you have to understand that my non Muslim father thought that i was homosexual before this because i wasn't interested in dating lots of girls and looking at porn magazines.

i was very naive when we met.
never the less a relationship continued. we were high school sweethearts of the loser population in my school(neither of us being very popular)

when our relationship started i was very clear about my belief in Islam(HOW IRONIC..(and immature)) and she was very interested. i look back at how stupid i was to confess my faith to someone who is strictly haram to me in the context of Islam.

we have been together for nearly four years now.
since then her family has abandoned her for being 18, graduated, and supposedly adult. she has lived with my father and i for over a year now.

she wants to be a muslim, and i want to be a better muslim, and we cant just live unmarried forever.

i have no money for college or any way to support myself on terms greater than minimum wage. and my father is beginning to get tired of us in his house.
we both pay rent.

a while back i broke in and told my mother of my girlfriend. she flipped out and wouldn't leave me alone about it untill she was convinced we were seperated. we are not separated at all.

minus my fathers small amount of support we have nobody.

i went to jummah for the first time by myself last Friday, and it was very nice.

problem being the nearest mosque is 2 cities away. it is a salafi group(i know very little about different groups within Islam...but salafi seems quite a bit strict and not very open)

i am afraid that if we try to get married, the mosque will tell us to separate. which although the relationship is haram, i think given the faith we share and the intentions we have...it would be wrong to separate..am i wrong??

my girlfriend has a scholarship of 75% tuition at any Florida college, but we cant exactly go and join an msa as boyfriend and girlfriend.

and if we were to marry,( which is what we both want)how can we afford to live on our own and hopefully go to college without any help at all.

i appreciate any feedback,
Salam brother :-)

Firstly just want you to understand that i myself have limited knowledge on the fiqh in Islam so anything I post is my personal opinion based on my Islamic values.

You are in a very tangled up problem indeed.
But if I strip away all the background (which was very useful) and the worries you have, we're left with the basic important information and questions.

1. You recognise your own mistakes in straying away from Islam (in terms of dating her and living with her). This is a great thing. Its when people insist they are not making mistakes they have a real problem.

2. Does she want to convert to Islam for Allah swt and did she learn anything about Islam from you or anyone else? Basically, are you sure she is not converting just to please you (even if you don't outwardly require it, maybe she feels its the only way to stay with you?)

3. An Imam is only a human also, why would he tell you to separate when you go to try and make your relationship halal by marrying? Its better to rectify it than continue living like this. If she wants to become Muslima for sake of Allah swt, then theres no reason why you should not get married.

4. Have you done full research in terms of financial benefits you might be entitled to as a married couple? Have you budgeted what your life if you moved out would cost monthly approx without luxury and weighed that against what you could earn ? Would she be able to work part time to help the income? Would your father maybe settle for you contributing rent to him until your in a better financial position?

Don't forget Allah swt provides all benefit and harm. Trust in Him, don't worry about money, make your relationship halal first and asap. Repent for past mistakes, don't lose faith in His mercy, remember if she takes Shahadah her sins are wiped but yours are not, so could you help her live separately until you get married?
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- Qatada -
05-02-2007, 11:43 AM
Asalaamu 'alykum (peace be upon you) brother. :)


I'm really glad that you've taken the decision to come closer to Allaah after being lost and confused in your life for a while. I think alot of us probably go through that anyway.


I'll answer some questions mentioned in your post so you can get a better understanding of some misconceptions you might have.


1)


The Messenger of Allaah, Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
"Indeed those from before you from the People of the Book [Christians & Jews] divided into seventy-two groups. And, indeed, this group (Muslims) will divide into seventy-three. Seventy-two groups will be in the Hellfire and one of them will be in Paradise. And it is the Jamaa'ah (group)." 3

And in another narration, he said: "Everyone of them in the Hellfire, except for one group that which I and my companions are upon."4

The Salaf are those who came before, and therefore the 'Salafi sect' in reality follows the way of the Prophet and the understanding of his companions of the Qur'an [the speech of Allaah] & the Sunnah [Prophetic way.] If we follow there way - we will be successful, and even though you may hear many misconceptions about them - that is the path you should follow since the Salaf were the most rightly guided people. As Allaah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said:
"The best people is my generation then those that follow them, then those who follow them." [Recorded Authentically in Sahih Muslim]

Therefore whenever anyone says anything to you in regard to religion - you have the right to ask them for their evidence from Qur'an, the Sunnah or the understanding of the Salaf [the pious predecessors.]


I hope you understand, you can check out more info from this link inshaa Allaah:
http://www.islamicboard.com/sects-di...aved-sect.html

And if you ever have any questions in regard to that - please do ask.




2) In regard to you and sam getting married, i think that would be kool. It's much better for you to get married than to live in a sinful state, ie. dating each other when you have the chance of being married.

What you would have to do though is repent sincerely to Allaah, and she should truelly become muslim [i.e. believe from the heart that there is none worthy of worship except God/Allaah Alone and that Muhammad (peace be upon him) is Allaah's final Messenger.]


You should also perform Istikharaah which is a prayer so Allaah guides you to the correct way:
http://www.islamicboard.com/cyber-co...-guidance.html


You might want her to pronounce her Shahadah in the Masjid and you can marry her there and the Imaam can be her wali or something.

Just try checking this link for more info in regard to that:

A Wali (Guardian) for a Converted Muslim Woman


That way you guys wont be sinful and you can carry on living together etc. except you won't be sinful for it, and you can join the MSA as husband and wife.

Maybe you could ask some brothers in the Masjid or MSA for financial help also so they could support you guys abit, i pray that you are successful. ameen.



Sorry i havn't been able to answer all your questions - but if i think of something i will say so inshaa Allaah.



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Umar001
05-02-2007, 11:47 AM
The salafi people shouldnt be bad, we all sin and it seems you want to rectify it.

Anyhow, they should be happy, any muslim should be happy to help someone marry instead of fornicate.

For the first step maybe you could just speak to some brothers and to your mother tell her you dont wanna sin no more so marriage would be easier and ask her for advice and ask the brothers, then marry the girl islamically.

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IbnAbdulHakim
05-02-2007, 11:59 AM
Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

if you give up something for the sake of Allah, you will be replaced with something better inshaAllah and what could be better then jannah?

i say forget the girl, its only dunya (world) bro, its a 2 second thing, this life is short, our aim is the hereafter :)

BUT!!!

if u can marry her then MARRY HER :D and the prophet sallallahi alaihi wasallaam said the ones who marry for piety are blessed, so make sure shes pious ;)
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Abdul Fattah
05-02-2007, 05:04 PM
MashAllah brothers have given great advice already, all I can do is concur. May Allah subhana wa t'ala make it easy for you inshaAllah.

Oh, and don't be afraid that the imam will judge you, you have the right intention, that's what counts.
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AnonymousPoster
05-02-2007, 05:07 PM
Why don't you marry her? don't consummate the marriage but just get married! and seek your education you and her and when you have enough money live together. I think in the reply should be something that is psychologically acceptable. Islam is meant to give ease to your life. SO let her take the shahada if she hasn't already done so. And learn about Islam together as a married couple, for all Muslims devout or not it is an ongoing learning process, you can't just be born perfect! if you can't afford to live in the same household. You can still be doing things in the clear when you do see her. I know many people married and oceans apart for work or visa or whatever problems. Don't make it more difficult for yourself than it is.
Allah knows best. This isn't meant as a scholarly opinion, just the best advise I can think of that will bring comfort to you both inshalAllah!
:w:
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Abdul Fattah
05-02-2007, 05:11 PM
Oh I just wondered; in your post yuo seem to imply that you feel intimidated by financial affairs and are therefor hesitant to marry. However since you're already living together, wheter or not you're married wouldn't change much financially speaking right? Unless you want a big wedding with a lot of people and stuff like that.
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atha
05-03-2007, 05:00 PM
Assalam-u-alaikum

I have the same question as Abdul Fattah.

My advice will be to do the nikah first without consummating marriage and then go from there. Get a job man if you want to get married b/c it won't work otherwise. A part-time job sounds cool b/c you are still a student mashaAllah. :-) Oh do istakhara if you haven't yet formed a decision about this. If you have already made up your mind then, Aww!. Get married, don't delay inshaAllah.

May Allah Subhannah Wa Taalah guide you both inshaAllah.

Take care
Assalam-u-alaikum
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