child rearing issues

[abena]

As salam alaikum,

I have an issue that has been troubling me deeply for the past year. I am a divorced mother of a three year old son. I had a very close relationship with my sister in law who is homosexual and has been in a homosexual relationship for @7yrs. My sister in law has two daughter (my neices) who I am very close to. While my son was a baby and up until last summer we used to exchange overnites and weekends with the children. Last summer, my exhusband, who is the father of my child told me that he no longer wanted my son to spend the night or go over his sister's house without supervision because her lover was engaging in very vulgar language around the children and he didn't feel it was a suitable environment for his child. I came to the defense of my sister in law and her lover initially and stated that I never hear them speak out of line around me and my sons loves his aunt and cousins. I then consulted my mother who is muslim and she advised me to stop letting my son go around what she considers an unnatural environment and living situation. She stated that we are muslim and as his mother I need to have him around normal, islamic situations and not alternative or deviant behaviorsie. homosexuals. Although I am muslim I am pretty liberal as far as people. I have always felt like you have to accept people for who they are. Subsequently, my son started coming home from his visits with his aunt and saying things that were vulgar and out of line for a two year old child. I told his dad about this and he said, " I know that's my sister but I'm telling you, the environment is not so good. " I told him that together we should let them know that our child can no longer spend nights or be there unaccompanied anymore. He stated that he would tell them himself because he didn't want them to hate me. Unfortunately he didn't follow through and they kept begging me to let my son spend the night. Finally I called my sister in law and as diplomactically as I could I told her that I appreciate her presence in our lives as well as her being a good aunt to my son but after discussing the situation with her brother (my son's father) we feel that it would be best if our child doesn't spend the night over her house anymore. I extended that herself, her children, and her lover our always welcomed in my home but we are trying to raise our son islamically and he is picking up on habits and influences that may be coming from her home that we are not comfortable with. I apologized deeply and felt really bad about his like I just lost a best friend and family member. Her lover immediately called me up and blasted me stating that I am a phony two-fasted homophobe and how dare I judge them.
This was last year and since then we have not talked. My heart aches, I just saw my neices for the first time in a year at their grandmother's house and they were begging to come spend the weekend with me. I told them that I love them very much and they are always welcomed to come and spend time with me or call me as long as it's ok with their mother. Which it's not. My ex-husband has never admitted to his sister to telling me that he didn't want his child their so now they HATE me. Part of me doesn't blame them because if I were in their shoes I might hate me also. I just wonder if there is a way for me to rectify this situation. I was trying to be a protective muslim parent and I guess I became overprotective and offended family members who are very close to me and mean so much to me. Do you possibly have any advise for me? If not please make dua for me and my sister in laws. Thanks

[Kittygyal]

Salamualikum
May allah subhwnatallah help you. Just do dua'ah
ma'assalama

[adeel]

Well i gotta say that you really care about your child and done a great Job of your son, i cant really blame anyone and i cant give any advise as i am not the type of person giving advise but so good luck anyway. Just trying to cheer you up :D
salam

[adeel]

Yeh just do Du'ah and Allah will help you, remember this life is just a test, in the hereafter we would be in Janah (Paradise) For our good deeds. Inshallah
Salam

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[Kittygyal]

Salamualikum.
^ Am sure anyone is a person who can give advice if they try to. remember Persuade,advice,argue :D:p
anywho best of luck and take it easy, AM not writing much as i am tired so just bare with me blud.
Ma'assalama

[Kittygyal]

Yeh just do Du'ah and Allah will help you, remember this life is just a test, in the hereafter we would be in Janah (Paradise) For our good deeds. Inshallah
Salam

Salamualikum.
So true indeed, thats why allah subhwnatallah is testing us all in each and every different way. Inshallah lets have patience in us and repent. Best thing ever is dua'ah.
Ma'assalama

[Umar001]

Well, I only say this because I think its for the best I think I could be wrong, but for example, I am careful of who I hang around since I do not want problems, like I wouldn't be close close friends with a person who differed greatly in fundamental moral views and so on, although I do have a Christian mother and brother and all my family, I still feel when I do have kids, if I do, that I'd keep abit of a distance specially since mine and their fundamental views are so different. I dont think it means I'm saying 'I hate you' but rather 'I understand our differences and I will agree to disagree' type of thing.

I'd say becareful of who you share your life and precious things with.

[ummzayd]

:sl:

that's really tough but I think you did the right thing sis, you must put the well-being of your son above the feelings of your sister in law & her partner. I understand your sadness at not seeing your nieces, but all you can do is continue to extend invitations to them.

sorry nothing else to suggest except making duaa as others already said....:w:

[abena]

As salam alaikum,

I really appreciate the advice, feedback and duas as this has been a very troubling and uncomfortable situation for me.

Jazakallah

[bint_muhammed]

sis may allah help you! despite what people may say you did a right thing as what your sister-law was doing was haraam, and as a mother you should bring your children up the correct way! this doeasnt mean you make them hate people of different religions, sexualioty etc. but show them what is right from wrong (islamic perspective before people jump at my throat). is your sisiter in law muslim?

[abena]

my sister in law is not muslim but her brother which is my exhusband is muslim

[Dawud_uk]

assalaamu alaykum sister,

i think you did the right thing, dont doubt that. yes you have lost a friend but it is important a muslim child has good influences in their life and i would always be weary of letting my son anywhere near a situation like the one you just detailed.

also remember Allah swt will raise us with those we were friends with in this life, so i would never make friendships with a homosexual kaffir, sorry but that is my choice. i would be friendly with them, but not a friend. hope you see the difference.

i am sure if you are patient Allah swt will reward you with something better, and o yeah... tell you ex straight to sort out his end as it isnt fair you taking all the flak.

assalaamu alaykum,
Abu Abdullah

[abena]

Thanks a lot. You made me feel a lot better as I am struggling with this guilt.

[- Qatada -]

:salamext:


May Allaah ease your affairs sister, ameen. I urge you to recite this dua' which is from the Sunnah:

Allahumma inni 'a'udhubika minal hammi walhuzni, Wal'ajzi walkasali, walbukhli waljubni, Wa dal'id-daiyni wa ghalabatir-rajal

‘O Allaah, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being over powered by men.’

Sahih al-Bukhari, 7/158


Once, they came to Abu ad-Darda' while he was in the mosque, saying to him: "O Abu ad-Darda'! Your house has been burned down!" He replied: "By Allah, it has not been burned down." They said: "It has been burned down!" He replied: "By Allah, it has not been burned down." They went to see that the fire had consumed everything in the area, and had stopped right at Abu ad-Darda''s house, and he did not even get up to go see for himself. They came back and asked him: "What drove you to insist that it had not been burned down?" He replied: "The Messenger of Allah had taught me some words that, if I say them, I will not be stricken with any harm," - he is secure! - "'O Allah, I seek refuge with You from sadness and grief, and I seek refuge with You from inability and laziness, and I seek refuge with You from cowardliness and stinginess, and I seek refuge with You from being overpowered by debts and men,' so, I made this supplication."

In regards to this same supplication, Abu Umamah narrated: "I was sitting in the mosque, when the Messenger of Allah asked me: "What is wrong, Abu Umamah?" I replied: "I am in distress because of a debt that I owe." The Prophet then told me: "Supplicate with these words ('O Allah, I seek refuge with You from sadness and grief...')." So, I supplicated with these words, and Allah removed my distress, and paid off my debt."

[Salma13]

Mashallah you have done a great thing, your child should come first and if you think that him going to your sis in laws could potentially harm his upbringing then to take him away from that is best, bringing a child up in an islamic way is difficult, make it easy by taking away things which could make it more difficult!

Make dua, Allah knows best. Inshallah you will be in my duas!

Asalmaleikum

[abena]

thank you sis Salma

[abena]

thanks to all of you who have submitted advise and dua.