In a relationship and in need of your help

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

As you can see I'm new here, I actually had another username but unfortunately I can't remember the username nor the password and my email seems to not have any messages from the forum, even though I clearly remember seeing one a couple of days ago! anyhow...

yeah I'm sorry that I'm jumping into asking help at once as my first post but I'm kind of in need of this at the moment, so here's the thing and I made it as short as I can...

I am from Saudi Arabia and I have been in a relationship with this girl which I have met on a forum, we'd chat on the MSN, phone messages and rarely speak on the phone. However it's been I believe 4 years since we started out, and we were friends before we'd get into a romantic relationship. I KNOW that it's haram to do so, but you can never change the past. We have always wanted to get married, the only problem was is that my dad passed away years ago, and hers is very strict and unfair to his family, he's the kind that would beat and stuff. Also my family, even though I've spoken to my brother and sisters about this (I'd believed) that there was no way for them that I could marry her, and add to that the fact that I'm Indian, and no-offense but most of Saudi people are not quite fascinated with Indians - even though I do speak Arabic as my mother language and I don't know a bit of Indian nor have I been there - So I had to wait until I'd build myself up, that's when I came to Malaysia for my college.

Just two weeks ago I've finished my first year. And that's when the shocking news came, that her father forced her to marry this guy. She got engaged, this week or the next I think she's gonna get her (Milka) which is something like a marriage but the girl doesn't actually move to live with the boy. Anyhow, the thing is that I have been drenched with all kind of sins before this, only when I got this news I turned back to Allah - Alhamdillah - and started really praying all the prayers and haven't listened to music ever since. I have really changed, the thing is that when she told me that there is no way that we'd get together, I really broke down and went into faces that I've never been through before, I can't do anything, I barely eat, I don't even feel hungry, it's really hard especially that I have never been a people-loved kind of person, I 'til now only have like online friends and stuff that I only talk to one of them, and I never cared when anything bad would happen because I've always had in mind that she's there for me so I'd let things go, as much as it would hurt yet I tried to be a "good" person even though I wasn't really religously good. Anyways so what I'm trying to say is that she was really a very big part of my life, she was with me everywhere.

So yeah... I have been praying lately and I still feel that there is hope for us to be together. I intend to be a VERY good muslim as I can be and change her with me, and as I know one of the main things that you have to do is preserve your religion and family through your children, now wouldn't it be unfair if I married someone else when I still love and think about this girl? Wouldn't it be unfair to her and to my future children (insha'Allah)? Plus the fact that I CAN'T get over her as much as I've tried. I'm really willing to change and make things right and I do now know that it wasn't our love to eachother that would've kept us together but it's Allah.

I need your advice, is it right what I'm doing? Praying and still talking to her until she gets married?
(even though she doesn't reply to my messages 'cause she has no credit in her phone and her father has taken away the internet from a while ago and she can't answer my calls either)

I believe as I read that Allah will give you what you asked for if you prayed and asked for it right (do'aa). So... that's where my aim is. I believe that until she gets officially married and lives with him or admit to me that she has feelings for him that I should pray and keep a bit of contact with her, just so that she doesn't give up either.

Thanks in advance. =)

[YasharG]

I'm of the understanding that honesty/ love should come before tradition. But there's a difference between tradition and religion, and I regret to say that I am not very educated in the religion itself. So I can't be of any proper, constructive help, but I understand your situation, and wish you the best :-[ :)

Just keep in mind, that it might be a hundred other things, than love. You may face a stage, in 2 weeks or 20 years, where you realize you don't belong with eachother at all. Just keep that possiblity in mind, together with the understanding that God knows best, and the acceptance of God's decisions.

Best wishes.

[Dagless]

Like YasherG I am not coming at this from a religous angle either. I think its easy to think you love someone when you haven't met them or seen what they are like in real life. The fact that she's getting married has just added to these feelings. Even when a friend tells you they are getting married you feel some aspect of loss, so this girl saying it is confusing your thoughts.

Find out why she has agreed to marry this other guy. If its out of respect for her parents then its up to her, but if its out of fear its plain wrong. Tell her that at the end of the day its her choice and she'll have to live with it.

I think talking to her until she gets married is a bad idea, you are just screwing yourself over more.
Make a final decision. Talk to her and explain everything. If she says no, then forget it. You can't do it on your own. When I say forget it I mean really forget it; sever all contact, delete emails etc. don't even think about her.

I semi agree about what you said about praying and Allah giving you what you ask for. I used to think like that too but you have to remember that maybe this thing is not good for you and you are better kept away from it. On the flip side maybe it is good for you and this is just to make you suffer.
Either way, we all have our tests. Just think of all those people worse off than you and march on. Whether you get with this girl or not I guarantee your life will go on.

[Dagless]

Sorry for spelling your name wrong YasharG. I tried editing the post but could not find an option.

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[YasharG]

I didn't notice. No worries, at all, my friend.

[AnonymousPoster]

I'm of the understanding that honesty/ love should come before tradition. But there's a difference between tradition and religion, and I regret to say that I am not very educated in the religion itself. So I can't be of any proper, constructive help, but I understand your situation, and wish you the best :-[ :)

Just keep in mind, that it might be a hundred other things, than love. You may face a stage, in 2 weeks or 20 years, where you realize you don't belong with eachother at all. Just keep that possiblity in mind, together with the understanding that God knows best, and the acceptance of God's decisions.

Best wishes.

Thanks for your both replies YasharG and Ferown.

I do realise that my feelings might change and know for a fact that hers WILL, she can never stay in love with someone when she's married to another. The thing is that my feelings has really changed, a few days ago after I turned back to Allah, I believe my love for her is no longer only aiming to romance her but it's become that I really want to change her with me, I've never felt this way toward anyone before. Now, it doesn't only hurt me that I will miss her but that I will not be able to give her what I've been enlightened with through these passed days. She is a very good person, she'd sacrifice anything in order to do the right thing, the only thing is that we have never really talked to eachother about religion that much, we did talk every once in a while but not as a daily thing and it never took that big part of our relationship.

Anyhow, so I want to change that, I REALLY want to marry her for many other reasons now. I love her as a person and I believe that I insha'Allah can be a good reason for her to change as well. I believe that if we insha'Allah got married alot of good things would come out of it and I'm really willing to give it my best.

Find out why she has agreed to marry this other guy. If its out of respect for her parents then its up to her, but if its out of fear its plain wrong. Tell her that at the end of the day its her choice and she'll have to live with it.

Unfortunately, she did agree for fear from her father. She said that it might get as bad as he'd -May God forbid- do such things as kill her if he knew she was in a relation with someone. And he wont be doing it for his jealousy nor looking at it in a religous way, he'd think of it being wrong even if it was right.

I really regret neglecting Allah all that time, and hope insha'Allah I have done right lately to disserve his blessings and answers to my prayers...

Again, thank you for listening and taking the time to reply.

[Rafeeq]

try to forget each other. This is how we have to accept the life's decisions

[Kittygyal]

Salamualikum.
Do dua'ah best thing ever.
Ma'ssalama.

[Grace Seeker]

When my children were young and something did not go the way they wanted it to, they would come and complain "It's not fair."

They didn't like it, but I would often answer then, "Whoever said, 'Life was fair.'?"

I think you probably in the midst of living through one of those moments right now. It isn't fair and it is going to hurt and I doubt if you ever forget all the feelings that you have right now. This girl has meant something special to you, and it seems you to her as well. But for reasons that are out of your control not only has her father arranged her marriage to someone else, but she has agreed. We can argue whether it is right or not, that it is for the wrong reasons, that she should not have to, and many other complaints about it. But it will not change the reality of the situation.

The question is not how are you going to get her back? I am afraid that you aren't. The question is how are you going to go on without her in your life?

Please, do not think I am heartless in writing this. I have been through something similar myself. Do I still remember her? Yes. Is there a part of me that still loves her? Yes. But it is that part which loves her which also wishes for her a blessed relationship with her husband. She is married with 4 kids. I have 8. We were able to be friends for a time, but her husband eventually said "No" to that as well. It has been years since we have had any contact with one another.

I am not going to tell you to forget her, because quite frankly, I think that is asking the impossible of you. But I am going to tell you to not dwell on her. You must give yourself fully to new relationships. You must release her to living a life apart from you, not just physically, but in your mind as well. This is how you show your love to her. You let her have a life independent of you.

I can tell you, that while my friend and I to this day still love each other, we also learned to love our spouses. My wife has become number 1 in my life. And I believe, even pray, that my friend feels that same with regard to her husband. There is no other way for either of us to be happy. And there is no way for either you or this girl you care for to be happy if you stay living in the past. Again, you are allowed your memories. But you must live in the present.

So, how do you do this? Slowly.

It isn't going to happen overnight. It might take you a year or two, maybe more. But it begins by taking the time to eat right and making an effort to sleep. At first you will instead lie awake thinking about her. But during the day you need to continue to involve yourself in other things and with other people. If all your life is lived on the internet, find at least one other human being that you can spend some time with in the flesh. It may be just for a game of ping pong; it doesn't matter. The key is to begin to develop a broader and richer life of your own.

Now, as for writing her. Since she cannot respond to you, it may be pointless. But since you are going to think about her, might I suggest something slightly different than writing her. What about journalling to her?

What's the difference? Well, in writing you are still in your mind carrying on a correspondence. You are still awaiting her reply. You are still emotionally connected, and because of that connection you are stuck where you are. And if she is actually able to get these messages, then she is going to be even more stuck than you because she can't even respond. It is for this reason that I suggest the journalling. In journaling, it is more like you are writing for personal reflection. You tell about an important even of the day, and then consider how and why it impacted you. This still lets you share with her, but also encourages you to do some introspection that will be important for you own continued growth.

Actually, if you and she were to stay connected, I would encourage much the same thing be a part of your relationship in that scenario too, because you cannot develop a long-term love out of the passion of a single moment no matter how strongly it burns. There is more heat in many small but well maintained fires than in a single blaze that burns brightly for a time, but will eventually go out when the fuel is gone. So, what I am encouraging you to do now is the only way you can sustain what you want to keep either way. But in your reflection, if you really take the time to look within and grow from it, you will find guidance that will let you heal and become whole once again.