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anonymous
06-08-2007, 06:47 PM
Salam..

I'm quite young and my mum treats me inequally. She treats my brothers like royalty and whenever they do something wrong she doesn't shout at them as much as she shouts at me. I'm the eldest in my family and I have another little sister but she just swears at me and shouts at me so much and when it comes to my brothers she never ever sees them in the wrong. It upsets me so much because in Islam boys and girls are supposed to be treated equally. The other day she made a comment like "Boys are more important than girls, so my sons come first." That made me so upset I was in tears, its not fair. All i can do is pray to Allah and I really do try to make her happy but we always end up arguing and me in tears. I feel like I'm adopted and my mums mind is so backwards.. What should I do? Please help.. :(

Wasalam..
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Kittygyal
06-08-2007, 08:04 PM
Salamualikum.
It happens TRUST me flex. She still loves ya marn, YOU tell me who's MAM won't love them? OFCOURSE she loves ya but erm it's kinda a fact the oldest one and the youngest one gets more love LIKE am ze youngest and at time when em mam was alive i used to get ENOUGH love aww i miss me mam :(
Ma'assalama
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Abdul Fattah
06-08-2007, 09:53 PM
I geuss this is a punch that has been passed down for generations. It's not fare, but you shouldn't hold it against her. For all you know she passed down a softer punch, and that's already something.
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bint_muhammed
06-08-2007, 09:57 PM
lol! happens a lot! thats what me an my mum argue about, but my dad used to spoil us girls! its the mentality they have it doesnt mean she loves you any less trust me, they were brought up like that culturally believing men need special treatment!
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ummAbdillah
06-08-2007, 10:14 PM
:sl:
I'm sorry to hear that sis, Talk to your mother about how you feel sis in a polite manor.
Islam teaches us that parents must treat their children equally :)
Showing Kindness To Daughters
:w:
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 06:50 PM
I feel the same way about myself..I am the youngest in the family tho.. It seems like my mom likes my older brother more than she likes me.. I got kicked outta school for something stupid.. and since then my mom liked my brother more.. and I remember the day she was so proud of my older brother because he got accepted to University.. and now when my Brother is in trouble.. she comes to me for help.. this made me really mad.. because when I went through all the struggles in my life.. NO ONE HELPED ME except myself.. My dad's in Egypt.. my mom and brother hardly help me.. I had to turn myself into a man.. and now they see me suceeding and yet still dont help me.. I became an optimistic person from a pessimistic person.. and now since I'm so positive.. I feel like my mom and brother wanna pull me down or something.. like they are jealous that im enjoying my life.. ahhh man so much stress... so much stuff to say... but dont wanna get any further than this..
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ummAbdillah
06-09-2007, 07:02 PM
:sl:
Brother in Islam, Don't let jelousy get to you. For at least you have a family :)
Forgive your mother because paradise is under her feet. I am sure that she loves you. Make duaa for her and us all :)
:w:
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 07:06 PM
I dont really have a good relationship wit my brother..and I use to be jealous.. not anymore because my life became better.. and I dont rely on my brother and parents to do anythin for me.. To be honest they always say negative things.. and that makes me think they wanna pull me down or something.. My brother isn't religious.. he drinks smokes etc..
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ummAbdillah
06-09-2007, 07:11 PM
:sl:
Thats sad :( May allah giude your brother. Ameen.:)
You can't lose ties with him for that reason brother. Forgive and forget allah will reward you inshallah. :) Make duaa for us all.
:w:
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 07:39 PM
Ameen:)
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HBot 5000
06-09-2007, 08:47 PM
Culture :(
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Umar001
06-09-2007, 08:53 PM
Maybe it's time you emphasised with her more? Maybe you have done so already.

But realise, who is she? A mother, she is a woman herself, once a girl, for her to say that indicates she thought that herself before. Imagine how she must have felt as a child, maybe she was the only child, but I doubt it Allah knows best. Maybe her scars have not healed and the only way she can cope with what happend is by doing the same?
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MusLiM 4 LiFe
06-09-2007, 09:02 PM
Originally Posted by sister-aisha
:sl:
Brother in Islam, Don't let jelousy get to you. For at least you have a family :)
Forgive your mother because paradise is under her feet. I am sure that she loves you. Make duaa for her and us all :)
:w:
umm sis cn i juz correct u a lil :-[ there is no hadith dat says "paradise is under ur mothers feet" its juz like a sayin.. a gud sayin :D

n i agree its all culture.. n stupidity..
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AnonymousPoster
06-09-2007, 09:03 PM
Originally Posted by Al Habeshi
Maybe it's time you emphasised with her more? Maybe you have done so already.

But realise, who is she? A mother, she is a woman herself, once a girl, for her to say that indicates she thought that herself before. Imagine how she must have felt as a child, maybe she was the only child, but I doubt it Allah knows best. Maybe her scars have not healed and the only way she can cope with what happend is by doing the same?
Actually bro, shes the eldest of 5 brothers and 2 sisters and my grandma always loved her and treated her good and with justice.. i dont know why she does this
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barney
06-09-2007, 09:11 PM
This is a very sad situation for you.

Keep in mind that whatever she says boys are NOT more important than girls.

I wonder if it's one of those situations where there is nothing you can do that will be enough for her.

Some people spend their lives chasing the good opinion of others.
Try to be confident in yourself and live your life for you and those who appreciate you.
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iwuvaziaf
06-09-2007, 09:15 PM
Originally Posted by Al Habeshi
Maybe her scars have not healed and the only way she can cope with what happend is by doing the same?
I often felt neglected for other reasons... you know i realised that true happiness are within yourself and since i started practising.. I dont look for friends to make me complete.. I dont depend on my siblings.. Expectation not met kills a person... I know it was doing that to me.. It was doing no harm to anyone else but me..

People here are giving some good advice.. especially the sister who said to make her aware of how she should treat u... its really easy to say that talk to ur mum, but if you dont have that kidn of a relationship, how do u do it..?

Build up the moment.. help her in the kitchen... when she is reading or finished prayers and has a moment say something like "mum i need to talk to u" u would be surprised.. i started talkin to my mum on serious topics from the age of 20.. alhumdullilah.. am the youngest so it was quite difficult because the age difference between me n mum is 13 years more than my mum and my sister...

I pray for uu.. crying alone doesnt feel nice but try to be happy inside.. look at the better things in life.. seek refuge in Allah! even if everyone in this world denies you, He will be there.. ! pray to him and turn to him in times of loneliness..
I wish you feel happy soon.. InshaAllah! *hugs from your sister* :cry:

Salamaleykum
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ScoobyGurl
06-09-2007, 09:19 PM
I think you should try to talk to her about it. However, that doesn't mean that she'll get where you're coming from. My umm was the only girl and she told me that she felt that my grandmother was always harder on her than my uncles. One day my grandmother told her it was because she expected a lot of my mother, especially since (at the time) my mother had children while my uncles didn't. I guess different people have different ways of showing their love to different people. I'm sure your mother loves you.
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.: Jannati :.
06-09-2007, 09:29 PM
Wa'Alaykum AsSalaam sis..

InshaAllah sis, like someone mentioned before talk to your mum and tell her how you feel, while remembering she's your mother, whom the Prophet :arabic5: commanded we respect, love and cherish even more than our fathers. Take care that you don't hurt or offend her sis, as she is entitled to your respect. Remember that she not only nourished you in her womb, but went through pain and suffering, bringing you up to the person you are today. Mothers love us even before we were born n both of our parents have a right over us to be treated with extreme kindness at all times as we can never repay them for their kindness for the support they provide us with, when we are weak and in need of help.

"And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents. In travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in two years was his weaning. Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents; to Me is thy final goal." (31:14)

Sometimes some of the things our parents do may not make sense to us, and perhaps does seem wrong...but it is important that we realise, they are our parents, who do love us than anyone possibly can regardless of how they may show it. Whether you realise this or not, your parents would never want to hurt you or make you feel the way you are now as they care for you too much to do so. We should make sure that we are not giving them reasons, to be displeased with us. As indeed in pleasing them, you also gain the Pleasure of Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala). Even a smile brings happiness to your parents and each time they are happy you are rewarded for it! ..SubhanAllah how beautifully easy Allah has made it for us to gain his Pleasure yet we make it hard on ourselves to even do little things which make such a difference.

Especially if you have siblings who are younger than you, being the eldest you've got to realise how they too need attention, love and care as you received it when you were younger. It is difficult for your parents to always share this love for you all, at the same time, equally. Even if it seems like that they care for your brothers more, you have to understand, especially being the eldest - that they care for you too, even if they don't show it. By understanding this you can help your parents in loving your younger brothers and sisters. Arguments etc will only take place if you have a lack of understanding in how your parents feel, try to put yourself in their shoes.

Remember sis, not everyone has parents...we should be thankful for all our blessings, sometimes we don't realise how great of a blessing something is without loosing it. I'd say to you sis, make Du'aa to Allah to improve your's and your mother's relationship and try your best to be good to her as much as you can, and indeed Allah is aware of all that we do.

Culture and things do play apart, but sis its your test, n you've been tested through this way as you can bear it. Indeed Allah does not overburden any soul... so patiently just continue doing all that you know is right & Allah will help you.

"O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer: for Allah is with those who patiently persevere." (2:153)

WaSsalaamuAlaykum...
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iwuvaziaf
06-09-2007, 09:33 PM
SubhanAllah.. so beautifully put sis Muhsinah!
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 09:53 PM
The reason parents think sons are more important than daughter is because...once the parents become old.. they can rely on sons better.. because another man is gonna take ur daughter away..and she is not gonna work to pay her parents...Men do most of the working so..the parents can rely on their son to give them money.. once they are old..

^^Not sure if I wrote it clearly..
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iwuvaziaf
06-09-2007, 10:01 PM
Originally Posted by Bangsta
The reason parents think sons are more important than daughter is because...once the parents become old.. they can rely on sons better.. because another man is gonna take ur daughter away..and she is not gonna work to pay her parents...Men do most of the working so..the parents can rely on their son to give them money.. once they are old..

^^Not sure if I wrote it clearly..
bruv.. isnt that culture again? because islam doesnt say anywhere that sons have to support the parents... children have same obligations towards their parents...

we really need to see past culture.. if we want to live islamically (if thats a word) these man made traditions are all bogus :enough!:

maybe am wrong.. plz correct me if i am.. ya Allah forgive me if i have said anything wrong..

salamaleykum
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MusLiM 4 LiFe
06-09-2007, 10:04 PM
yeh bangsta datz true.. dey fink coz der daughters are gna go of n marry in2 sum uva family dat dey not important so dey treat der sons better coz deyr d ones who gona b wid dem wen deyr older wich is sooo not tru bcuz wen ur older ur daughter will actualy lukafter u more dan ur sons will coz ur sons will bcum so obsesd wid der wives etc deyl 4get abt u..trus me its happened in my family aswell as utha families.. quite sad to be honest :-\

n all d blame goes 2 culture personally dtz wha i fink.. n maybe the upbringin of the mother..
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Kittygyal
06-09-2007, 10:07 PM
Originally Posted by Bangsta
The reason parents think sons are more important than daughter is because...once the parents become old.. they can rely on sons better.. because another man is gonna take ur daughter away..and she is not gonna work to pay her parents...Men do most of the working so..the parents can rely on their son to give them money.. once they are old..

^^Not sure if I wrote it clearly..
salamualikum.
:blind: :rollseyes
That does not make sense never heard of that before. Well i know for definate in a christain family this does NOT happen but erm a dunno ..

am outcha ere :skeleton:

ma'assalama
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MusLiM 4 LiFe
06-09-2007, 10:08 PM
well it happens in a bengali family.. n ino dat 4 sho..
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 10:09 PM
^^im bengali :)

kittygal:
thats because usually the muslim females become housewives...
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Kittygyal
06-09-2007, 10:11 PM
Originally Posted by Bangsta
^^im bengali :)

kittygal:
thats because usually the muslim females become housewives...
Salamualikum.
Not all. Well i know for sure some people don't actually become housewifes as they have there inlaws there.

ANYWHO AM OUTCHA ERE FOR REAL.

SO MA'ASSALAMA
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 10:13 PM
stop tryin to fight with me all the time kittygal :P
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Kittygyal
06-09-2007, 10:14 PM
Originally Posted by Bangsta
stop tryin to fight with me all the time kittygal :P
Salamualikum.
OM.. i never want to fight with anyone.
Ya allah whats happning.... :cry:
Forgive me if i do or did but my intention is NEVER to hurt anyone.
Ma'assalama
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 10:15 PM
The purpose of a wife is to protect the child.. the purpose of a man is to protect the family and earn money for the family.. thats why a mans body is bigger than a females body..
but im gonna make my wifey work :P:P:P, becuz I dont want her to be depressed at home all by herself ...
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Kittygyal
06-09-2007, 10:16 PM
edit
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 10:17 PM
Originally Posted by Kittygyal
Salamualikum.
OM.. i never want to fight with anyone.
Ya allah whats happning.... :cry:
Forgive me if i do or did but my intention is NEVER to hurt anyone.
Ma'assalama
Im jokin lol.. I always joke wit people :) .. but if tings gets serious:raging:
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 10:18 PM
PS.. I HATE CATS :P:P:P

I bet ur cat is a JINN :P:P:P :raging:
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Umar001
06-09-2007, 10:24 PM
Originally Posted by iwuvaziaf
People here are giving some good advice.. especially the sister who said to make her aware of how she should treat u... its really easy to say that talk to ur mum, but if you dont have that kidn of a relationship, how do u do it..?
I've only spoken to my mom properly once as far as I can ever remember, in my whole life. For some it's not easy, what a person could do, and depending on the mother, is maybe leave Islamic books around, with bookmarks on pages referring to mother-daughter reletionships, with ahadith and so on. Or if the mother normally asks what the daughter is doing, the daughter could read more, and when the mom asks, the daughter then can talk about the various ahadith about the virtue of raising daughters.

Always different ways, a brother, which I think was saying a joke said something like, 'When I became Muslim I had to leave my family clues, like leaving my prayer mat out in places' lol, so for some people its easier to leave clues, for others its easier to speak direct.

Originally Posted by iwuvaziaf
I pray for uu.. crying alone doesnt feel nice but try to be happy inside..
For me personally, maybe other reverts can add, but there were times and are where you cry alone, just you and Allah and you ask Allah to help you, and I don't know if it's just me having been a lone guy, but it makes you realise, that at the end of the day its gonna be between you and Him.

Originally Posted by Bangsta
The reason parents think sons are more important than daughter is because...once the parents become old.. they can rely on sons better.. because another man is gonna take ur daughter away..and she is not gonna work to pay her parents...Men do most of the working so..the parents can rely on their son to give them money.. once they are old..

^^Not sure if I wrote it clearly..
You know, there was an article ages ago in a newspaper, it had a picture, an indian girl tied up by string to a pillar or something, reason was because she was yet another female child to the family who would not be able to help them financially so they left her there.

Pretty sad.
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 10:26 PM
Originally Posted by Bangsta
The reason parents think sons are more important than daughter is because...once the parents become old.. they can rely on sons better.. because another man is gonna take ur daughter away..and she is not gonna work to pay her parents...Men do most of the working so..the parents can rely on their son to give them money.. once they are old..

^^Not sure if I wrote it clearly..
ye and My World Issues teacher told me about this too ^^^^
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BanGuLLy
06-09-2007, 10:36 PM
One of the signs of Qiyamat is.. the husband or wife will love their spouse more than they love their parents..

wow...we kinda got off topic..:offtopic:
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bint_muhammed
06-09-2007, 11:11 PM
Originally Posted by Bangsta
One of the signs of Qiyamat is.. the husband or wife will love their spouse more than they love their parents..

wow...we kinda got off topic..:offtopic:
is this true!
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iwuvaziaf
06-09-2007, 11:13 PM
Originally Posted by Bangsta
but im gonna make my wifey work :P:P:P, becuz I dont want her to be depressed at home all by herself ...
oh how noble of you!

Originally Posted by Al Habeshi
For me personally, maybe other reverts can add, but there were times and are where you cry alone, just you and Allah and you ask Allah to help you, and I don't know if it's just me having been a lone guy, but it makes you realise, that at the end of the day its gonna be between you and Him.
am not great at writing what i want to say but yes you've said it.. exactly! it about u n Him.. everything in between.. this life.. family.. friends.. situations.. are all a test.. everything is test!

Ya Allah.. forgive me if have said anything incorrect..

Assalamaleykum

p.s. Bangsta.. y do u always go off topic... ah! nevermind :rollseyes
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Kittygyal
06-10-2007, 01:57 PM
Originally Posted by Bangsta
PS.. I HATE CATS :P:P:P

I bet ur cat is a JINN :P:P:P :raging:
salamualikum.
Do you want a slap now? WHATS jinn gotcha do wiv cats.
Get a life blud.

ANYWHO AM JOKIN :exhausted
ma'assalama
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BanGuLLy
06-10-2007, 02:47 PM
Jinns can be anythin they want.. and they become mostly cats :giggling:
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Snowflake
06-10-2007, 03:58 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Salam..

I'm quite young and my mum treats me inequally. She treats my brothers like royalty and whenever they do something wrong she doesn't shout at them as much as she shouts at me. I'm the eldest in my family and I have another little sister but she just swears at me and shouts at me so much and when it comes to my brothers she never ever sees them in the wrong. It upsets me so much because in Islam boys and girls are supposed to be treated equally. The other day she made a comment like "Boys are more important than girls, so my sons come first." That made me so upset I was in tears, its not fair. All i can do is pray to Allah and I really do try to make her happy but we always end up arguing and me in tears. I feel like I'm adopted and my mums mind is so backwards.. What should I do? Please help.. :(

Wasalam..
salam sis,

I'll share with you something that I learnt recently. And it was about time I did - considering my age. That's the beauty of getting older btw, lol. I know where you're coming from. Really I do. Without going into the nitty-gritty, I'll just say that I've mildly experienced some of what you have and that in general my relationship with my mother hasn't always been easy.

You see, I always compared how my mother treated me to how other mothers treated their children. And I was hugely disappointed. However, if I'd looked deeply, I would've realised a long time ago that my mother was still a child herself when she had me, so motherhood didn't come easy to her. She wasn't evil or anything - I just expected her to be different.

All my life, due to my feeling let down by her, I felt resentful and found it hard to appreciate her and show her affection. Then recently alhumdulillah, I read an Islamic book called 'Kindness to Parents'. It was full of hadith & Quranic verses and more and really scared the life out of me. I realised that my treatment of my mother was far from desirable in the eyes of Allah. Although I wasn't nasty to my mother, I found it hard to be affectionate to her physically and verbally. But after reading the importance of kindness to parents (mother especially) I realised I had to overcome my psychological issues and break the barrier between us.


I then vowed that from then on I would at every opportunity I'd show my mother that I love, respect and appreciate her and also ask for her forgiveness.

I did that the next day when she was visiting me. It was hard, trust me. But I forced myself to cross the line that was between us and touched her feet and asked her to forgive me for all the times I'd hurt her. She must've been shocked as she sorta chuckled, as did I. I then hugged and kissed her face.

I cannot tell you what a difference that one act made to our mother-daughter relationship. I could see my mothers face glowing, as if I'd given her something she'd wanted for a long long time. Her speech became softer towards me and she was smiling and laughing more. I realised that If I had had expectations of my mother then she'd also had some from me - even when I was just a child. And looking back, she also hadn't got the obedient loving daughter that she had wanted in me. It was catch 22.


You've gotta show her your love, so that she sees that no matter what, daughters can be more loving and caring than sons and also be best friends and confidantes when older. Don't hold back like I did. Hug her, love her and laugh and joke with her to make her feel loved. When she does something for you, kiss her cheek and tell her she's the best mum ever. Everyone likes to be loved and I bet your mum would feel on top of the world if you show her such affection. She will also realise that sons might be the support she'll need when she's old, but the relationship between mother and daughter has it's own rewards to offer.

Finally, don't feel jealous of your mothers relationship with your brothers. Mothers share a special bond with sons as father do with daughters.

As a mother myself, I will be brave enough to admit that we can be silly sometimes. Deep down we just want our child to love us more than anything in the world and if we get annoyed with them, we might pretend like we don't care and all that. But we can be crying inside and wanting our child to apologise so we can show him/her just how much we love them. We want our child's love and affection as much as our children want ours. And if we feel unloved, we can get moody too! Lol, there! Now you know.

Just love your mother hun. Show it in every way possible. I promise she will love and show her affections back thousand time more. Yes, a mother loves her children unconditionally. But don't be fooled into thinking that she shows her love unconditionally when the child she loves so much doesn't seem to be appreciating her. Go and give your mum a hug and a kiss right now and tell her she's the best (even if you don't think so). Make yourself say it and watch her reaction in turn. May Allah increase the love and respect between you both. Ameen.

:w:
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ummAbdillah
06-10-2007, 05:11 PM
Originally Posted by MusLiM 4 LiFe
umm sis cn i juz correct u a lil :-[ there is no hadith dat says "paradise is under ur mothers feet" its juz like a sayin.. a gud sayin :D

n i agree its all culture.. n stupidity..
:sl:
“Be at your mother’s feet and there is the Paradise.” (Ibn Majah, Sunan, Hadith no. 2771)
:w:
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MusLiM 4 LiFe
06-11-2007, 08:25 PM
Originally Posted by sister-aisha
:sl:
“Be at your mother’s feet and there is the Paradise.” (Ibn Majah, Sunan, Hadith no. 2771)
:w:
oohh well.. sheikh yusuf sed in 1 of his lectures dat it woz juz an old sayin.. oki weird :S
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Kittygyal
06-11-2007, 08:29 PM
Originally Posted by Bangsta
Jinns can be anythin they want.. and they become mostly cats :giggling:
Salamualikum.
Ya Allah just leave it out blud :skeleton: :enough!:
Ma'assalama
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MusLiM 4 LiFe
06-11-2007, 08:32 PM
oki random buh sis whtz wid u n all ur ghetto style.. b4 i left u werent like dis.. ^o) hm.. :S
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