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lilmissnisi
06-20-2007, 07:44 PM
hey there. i'm actually new here so hello to everyone first of all.

my problem is finding the right partner. I'm a muslim but i'm not that strict but follow the faith in Islam and believe in God 100%. i pray whenever I have the time but not five times a day and I don't wear a hijab. anyway, that's not my main problem.


i have had 4 partners in the past two of them were from the western culture and two of the were from the eastern culture. All had failed in terms of relationships and i can't find anyone who is like me.

my first serious relationship was when I was 16 and we were only together for three months because he wanted to have sexual intercourse with me. i told him that my faith in islam is strong and i can't brake my promise to Allah that I'll make sexual intercourse before marriage. he told me that sex is love and yeh it's true but if my faith says sexual intercourse is forbidden then it is forbidden. then my second relationship was when I was 18 which lasted 2 years and similar like the first relationship our cross culture got in the way. he couldn't see why Islam could be so strict than Christianity. He proposed to me but ended it after 2 months cos he didn't want to convert. Even if he did convert, would he convert because of marriage or because of religion? I told him a lot about Islam and saw me fasting one time. he said he could never do that and he could never pray 5 times a day. I told him that only if he has time he should pray, once again, only because I'm not that strict. then we ended the relationship because of that reason.

then after the two relationships that I had from western men i thought I'd look at Muslim men, maybe if I dated them, we would have the same beliefs but it wasn't what it was expected. one was very strict. He told me to wear a hijab and told me to stay at home which is what muslim women should do for their husbands and only take of the hijab when i'm at home in front of him. then the second muslim man that i was with didn't want to be with me cos i'm from malaysia and he's from pakistan, his parents didn't want him to marry me cos i'm not from his culture.

what am i supposed to do here? I'd love to find a muslim man that would except me for who i am or find a man from the western culture who accepts my culture and if we're serious about it i want him to understand that if we get married, he'll marry me for religion not only for marriage. i have many malaysian guy friends but they're all my friends.

so all in all, i'm stuck between the western and the eastern culture.

please help
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Abdul Fattah
06-20-2007, 11:00 PM
First of all, it's our responsibility to point out, not only sexual intercourse, but relations by them self are forbidden prior to marriage. Also close friendship with people of the opposite gender is discouraged strongly.

To answer your question. Here's a link on how to chose a wife, obviously you're looking for a man instead of a woman, but I imagen some of the advice is also applicable in the opposite direction.
http://www.al-ibaanah.com/articles.php?ArtID=158

The best advice I can think of is, remember that this life is a test, so chose someone that will help you pass the test. In other words, look for someone who stimulates you to strive for the sake of Allah subhana wa ta'ala.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, I'm indulging a bit in speculation here, but from your post I got the impression that although you do believe, that you have a certain dedicate place for religion in your life. But that somehow conflicts. And I think that is the source of your confusion. You need to understand that Islam is not a hobby. It shouldn't have a dedicated spot in your life, it should be your life.

I hope it didn't seem like I have this "holier-than-you-attitude". Like I said I'm just speculation with the bits of information you gave, you're welcom to correct my mistakes.
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Trumble
06-20-2007, 11:06 PM
Be patient, that's all. The right person will come along.
Reply

tears4husain
06-20-2007, 11:21 PM
:sl: for starters sis muslim women should only marry muslim men I have found marriage outside of the faith is very difficult. Then also I have a very dear friend of mine who is looking for a wife, but he is looking for faith and knowlegde to determine his wife. Maybe it is how you carry yourself on the people you attract.:D
Originally Posted by lilmissnisi
hey there. i'm actually new here so hello to everyone first of all.

my problem is finding the right partner. I'm a muslim but i'm not that strict but follow the faith in Islam and believe in God 100%. i pray whenever I have the time but not five times a day and I don't wear a hijab. anyway, that's not my main problem.


i have had 4 partners in the past two of them were from the western culture and two of the were from the eastern culture. All had failed in terms of relationships and i can't find anyone who is like me.

my first serious relationship was when I was 16 and we were only together for three months because he wanted to have sexual intercourse with me. i told him that my faith in islam is strong and i can't brake my promise to Allah that I'll make sexual intercourse before marriage. he told me that sex is love and yeh it's true but if my faith says sexual intercourse is forbidden then it is forbidden. then my second relationship was when I was 18 which lasted 2 years and similar like the first relationship our cross culture got in the way. he couldn't see why Islam could be so strict than Christianity. He proposed to me but ended it after 2 months cos he didn't want to convert. Even if he did convert, would he convert because of marriage or because of religion? I told him a lot about Islam and saw me fasting one time. he said he could never do that and he could never pray 5 times a day. I told him that only if he has time he should pray, once again, only because I'm not that strict. then we ended the relationship because of that reason.

then after the two relationships that I had from western men i thought I'd look at Muslim men, maybe if I dated them, we would have the same beliefs but it wasn't what it was expected. one was very strict. He told me to wear a hijab and told me to stay at home which is what muslim women should do for their husbands and only take of the hijab when i'm at home in front of him. then the second muslim man that i was with didn't want to be with me cos i'm from malaysia and he's from pakistan, his parents didn't want him to marry me cos i'm not from his culture.

what am i supposed to do here? I'd love to find a muslim man that would except me for who i am or find a man from the western culture who accepts my culture and if we're serious about it i want him to understand that if we get married, he'll marry me for religion not only for marriage. i have many malaysian guy friends but they're all my friends.

so all in all, i'm stuck between the western and the eastern culture.

please help
Reply

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Maidah
06-21-2007, 02:16 PM
sis don't take me wrong but in my opinion if you're looking for a muslim brother to get married to then you can't deny the fact that he will want you to have some characteristics that reflects your deen, such as wearing the hijab or any of that sort. It's not about him not being able to accept you the way you are, because if not him than there is surely sm1 out there who will accept you for who you are, it's just if a man has built his life upon the deen then i'm sure he would want to live the rest of his life with somone who can reflect on him and together they can become stronger in the deen.

I've seen several bro's getting married to non practicing sis who eventually end up practicing, and mostly it's not due to the pressure from the husband but once in a relationship you start to realize how you need to carry yourself in relation to your environment and that's something that comes from within and when it strikes, you gradually start ''ammending'' yourself.

I pray to Allah that you find what you're looking for, and remember relationships are give and take, if you require and anticipate certain qualities in sm1 then there is nothing wrong with assuming that the case could be vice versa, most importantly if it concerns the deen.

I hope i haven't wronged you in any way.
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umm-sulaim
06-22-2007, 09:41 AM
Originally Posted by lilmissnisi
my problem is finding the right partner. I'm a muslim but i'm not that strict but follow the faith in Islam and believe in God 100%. i pray whenever I have the time but not five times a day and I don't wear a hijab. anyway, that's not my main problem.
Assalamu alaykum sis

Just ask yourself this sis..i'm not judgin at all...but this Q changed me so insha'Allaah i hope it does the same for you: 'How do we expect Allaah to answer our du'aas when we don't fulfill our obligations upon him?'

Um...those 2 points you mentioned should be a main concern :X I say this cos If you're good to Allaah, it won't go unnoticed Allah says in the qur'aan: ye who believe! If ye will aid (the cause of) Allah, He will aid you, and plant your feet firmly.' How do we help Allaah? By establishing that which has been mandatory upon us and by doing good deeds...
Allah also Informs us in the qur'aan to: 'seek (Allah's) help with patient perseverance and prayer: It is indeed hard, except to those who bring a lowly spirit' (baqarah)

Make loadsa du'aa n seek guidance from Allaah sincerely n inshaa'Allaah maybe through your righteous actions Allaah will answer your du'aa and someone suitable will come along...

sorry if i'm naggin or if it seems that way but your my sis i hope u understand,

wassalaamu alaykum
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skhalid
06-22-2007, 09:53 AM
lets just get one thing clear (I sound like a teacher here lol)
In islam a relationship between a girl and a boy (or a man and a woman) is only permitted through marriage.
A relationship that takes place before marriage has been forbidden (you should know why but I'll explain further)
a relationship outside marriage could lead to sin....i.e. sexual intercourse(i hate this word but I have to use it for my explanation) unwanted pregnancies and many more!!!
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skhalid
06-22-2007, 10:28 AM
why ask a question u already know the answer to? :?
Dowry is actually suppose to be decided by the woman getting married, even though it is decided by the parents...they must ask her first of what she desires...now sum ppl take this to there advantage....:rolleyes:
'i want a car...a house, a swimmin pool' etc...a dowry should be too expensive..in fact it should be something simple....such as jewellery...
money is the most used dowry but U ENT BUYIN THE PERSON :zip: so other things are prefered...some of us gals (us nice ones :coolious: ) don't want anythin..just to get married and have a good future with our husbands (ameeeen* :coolalien ) :peace:
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vpb
06-22-2007, 10:30 AM
:sl:

actually nowdays I think marrying muslim sister is much harder than non-muslim. cuz many of them just require everything. like all muslim brothers are milionares. it seems that the modesty has been lost. :(

may Allah guide this ummah. Ameen.
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
06-22-2007, 10:32 AM
Originally Posted by vpb
:sl:

actually nowdays I think marrying muslim sister is much harder than non-muslim. cuz many of them just require everything. like all muslim brothers are milionares. it seems that the modesty has been lost. :(

may Allah guide this ummah. Ameen.
assalamu alaikum

but thats not really tru always bro :), the bad seed does always seem greater in quantity then the good but there are so many people who dont demand much of brothers at all. just in my family i can name so many lol Alhamdulillah and then wen i go to my friends theres another whole load :D see islam is flourishing Alhamdulillah
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-22-2007, 10:34 AM
:sl: brothers and sisters.

i don't think i can advice you, but one thing did stand out for me in your post sis, lilmissnisi. and i don't mean to judge, or to be offence, or to even direct this at you. I am abit annoyed of people saying things like oh i guard my self from illegal sexual intercourse, or i guard my self from drinking, or i do alot of good deeds, but im not strict with my prayers. i am in no way denying that sexual intercoure out of marriage, or drinking are major sins. my point is, why are people so strict on gaurding themselves from the major sins, but when it comes to prayer, they are like, whatever..

anyways, thats my two cents. like i said, i don't mean to offend, or to sound harsh. but i do wish people will wake up!!
if anyone finds this too harsh (and i mean for da'wah reasons-people my feel that it's not the right way to advice others), mods, feel free to delete my post.
:sl:
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vpb
06-22-2007, 10:35 AM
but thats not really tru always bro , the bad seed does always seem greater in quantity then the good but there are so many people who dont demand much of brothers at all. just in my family i can name so many lol Alhamdulillah and then wen i go to my friends theres another whole load see islam is flourishing Alhamdulillah
I dunno bro. but in general people have lost their modesty and concentrated on this dunya so much.
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vpb
06-22-2007, 10:39 AM
i don't think i can advice you, but one thing did stand out for me in your post sis, lilmissnisi. and i don't mean to judge, or to be offence, or to even direct this at you. I am abit annoyed of people saying things like oh i guard my self from illegal sexual intercourse, or i guard my self from drinking, or i do alot of good deeds, but im not strict with my prayers. i am in no way denying that sexual intercoure out of marriage, or drinking are major sins. my point is, why are people so strict on gaurding themselves from the major sins, but when it comes to prayer, they are like, whatever..
:sl:

one of the imams was giving a lecture, and he said , when your nafs sees something that can tempt you, don't say "it's allright, I have strong eman , it will not affect me", he said "runnnnnnnnnnn, don't try to be brave with your nafs". and also Allah swt doesn't say "don't commit zina", but says "do not approach zina".
So we should get away as much as possible. and that's why having boyfriend/girlfriend is a bad thing . cuz our nafs may dig a trap for us and we don't see and suddenly we just fall on it.

also Allah swt told us that prayer keeps us from doing bad things.

:w:
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skhalid
06-22-2007, 10:44 AM
Originally Posted by vpb
:sl:

actually nowdays I think marrying muslim sister is much harder than non-muslim. cuz many of them just require everything. like all muslim brothers are milionares. it seems that the modesty has been lost. :(

may Allah guide this ummah. Ameen.
just give em wot dey want ini lol millionaires :coolious:
Reply

vpb
06-22-2007, 10:46 AM
:sl:
just give em wot dey want ini lol millionaires
of course, if they require to buy them airplane, we'll buy them airplane.
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skhalid
06-22-2007, 10:52 AM
Originally Posted by vpb
:sl:

of course, if they require to buy them airplane, we'll buy them airplane.
how bout an island lol :coolious:
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
06-22-2007, 11:05 AM
Originally Posted by vpb
:sl:

one of the imams was giving a lecture, and he said , when your nafs sees something that can tempt you, don't say "it's allright, I have strong eman , it will not affect me", he said "runnnnnnnnnnn, don't try to be brave with your nafs". and also Allah swt doesn't say "don't commit zina", but says "do not approach zina".
So we should get away as much as possible. and that's why having boyfriend/girlfriend is a bad thing . cuz our nafs may dig a trap for us and we don't see and suddenly we just fall on it.

also Allah swt told us that prayer keeps us from doing bad things.

:w:
:sl: brothers and sisters.

sorry brother, you have to clarfiy that further. i didn't fully understand it.

:sl:
Reply

skhalid
06-22-2007, 11:06 AM
Originally Posted by vpb
:sl:

one of the imams was giving a lecture, and he said , when your nafs sees something that can tempt you, don't say "it's allright, I have strong eman , it will not affect me", he said "runnnnnnnnnnn, don't try to be brave with your nafs". and also Allah swt doesn't say "don't commit zina", but says "do not approach zina".
So we should get away as much as possible. and that's why having boyfriend/girlfriend is a bad thing . cuz our nafs may dig a trap for us and we don't see and suddenly we just fall on it.

also Allah swt told us that prayer keeps us from doing bad things.

:w:
interestin ^o)
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Abdul Fattah
06-22-2007, 03:02 PM
Originally Posted by maryam11
:sl: brothers and sisters.

sorry brother, you have to clarfiy that further. i didn't fully understand it.

:sl:
I think what the brother meant was that, any path which has a possibility of leadnig towards a sinfull act is considered a sinfull act in itself, even if there isn't anything else wrong with it. That is because instead of making it hard on ourself by placing ourselves in a position with a lot of temptation it's better to avoid temptation altogheter, that way there is lesser risk of doing bad stuff in a moment of weakness, and everybody has his/her moments of weaknes.
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Skywalker
06-22-2007, 03:50 PM
Here's some relationship advice:

DON'T GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP!

...unless of course you're looking to get married and all parties have gone through the proper channels (ie. parents) :D
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vpb
06-22-2007, 03:55 PM
sorry brother, you have to clarfiy that further. i didn't fully understand it.
many people tend to say that "ohh it's allright , I'll do it, it will not make do haram, I have a strong eman", or "what's wrong with having a girlfriend/boyfriend, I will not have sexual intercourse, I will never do it", so this is what I was talking about that you may think that you are strong enough to have a relationship outside marriage with someone and not have sexual relationship, but you never know, the nafs can dig a ditch for you, and you can fall on it anytime. so that's why Allah az. tells us to stay away from zina, why? bc Allah knows that we tempted, and it's possible that we may commit zina even we think our iman is strong. so that's why we have to "runnnnn" from something which might lead us to a sinful act.
We should avoid those paths that lead to sinful act rather than being brave and saying "i can have a girlfriend, but I will never do zina, I have a strong eman". u never know.

Allah knows best.
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youngsister
06-22-2007, 05:41 PM
:sl:
actually nowdays I think marrying muslim sister is much harder than non-muslim. cuz many of them just require everything.
When you marry a non muslim the relationship is most of the times 50/50, the same could be with a muslimah but your duty is to provide from clothes to food to knowledge basically everything :w:
Reply

irfan alam
06-22-2007, 06:06 PM
Its Allah who controls the hearts, so turn to him in obedience and Dua, he will respond.
Anyone can get married, but what people desire is Happieness, comfort.
because you plan to spend the rest of your life together. Allah says in the quran that verily in the remembrance of allah do the hearts find rest. so follow the way of life allah has sent down to the best of your ability, and Allah will soon join you with someone who will help u in that. Together u will live, then die, then meet again in Jannah where u will abide therein forever, with Allah of course. Look for someone who obeys and is trustworthy to his lord allah. That way u know he will be trustworthy and true to u. if someone does not appreciate the blessings, Allah has given him, then I doubt very much he will appreciate u as a person, instead his main goal will be to satisfy his desires.
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