please help me

[nebula]

asalaamalakum brothers and sisters

im a muslim boy nd im 16 years old.
I have a problem talking to people and looking directly into their eyes because when i do i feel less confident and my eyes usually start watering this isnt a hayfever problem or anything like that as most ppl would think, i cant always talk normally this really depresses me. also i dnt reallly socalise very well with people i just feel really depressed because of my life. i cant really talk to anyone close about this i just cant. ive been finding life really hard because the skool i go to nearly everyone has had a girlfriend gone out with a girl or kissed 1 or something like that. i avoid meeting my friends outside of skool and other people. because if i do they do things that i dnt really feel comfortable with like for example finding girls and etc. ive never gone out with a girl or kissed touched one or anyhting.

but this leads me to doing other bad stuff like watching explicit videos and doing other bad stuff that i really regret. i really try not to do this stuff but because of the environment around me and the fact i havent touched kissed a girl, all this stuff just builds up inside my head and makes me watch exlicit videos and do bad stuff. sometimes i get so fed up i feel like commiting sucide.

i really need help in improving my imaan and becoming a muslim. i really fear death because i kno if i die ill go to hell.

[tryinghard]

Assalamu alaikum brother,

I understand what you are going through because I too went to schools where there were not many Muslims. And, I understand that it can be hard because you feel left out and possibly some pressure to conform. I admit, regretfully that there were times I was tempted by haraam things and I know what it feels like to be afraid of going to hell because you have sinned. Well, you have made progress by realizing that what you are doing is wrong, and that's a start. Resolve to change yourself, perhaps even write down how you are going to change, and then mark every day that you have improved or not done as well as you should have. But, the most important thing to do is to pray and make dua to Allah SWT for forgiveness and for help. It may be hard in the beginning if you're not used to it, but you'll soon realize that praying to Allah and reading Quran will make you feel better.

Also, try and make some friends from your youth group at your masjid. They will be able to understand some of the things you are going through and may offer advice or support. I'm not an expert or anything, but it may be a good idea for you to talk to a psychologist or counselor if your thoughts of suicide become frequent or your depression worsens. Good luck and inshallah Allah will help you

[tryinghard]

I wanted to add this in my previous post, but forgot. Remember, that you are not alone in suffering from depression. Allah puts us all through trials to test us. Please get help and do not contemplate suicide because you are so young and have so much potential to change your life.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

asalaamalakum brothers and sisters

im a muslim boy nd im 16 years old.
I have a problem talking to people and looking directly into their eyes because when i do i feel less confident and my eyes usually start watering this isnt a hayfever problem or anything like that as most ppl would think, i cant always talk normally this really depresses me. also i dnt reallly socalise very well with people i just feel really depressed because of my life. i cant really talk to anyone close about this i just cant. ive been finding life really hard because the skool i go to nearly everyone has had a girlfriend gone out with a girl or kissed 1 or something like that. i avoid meeting my friends outside of skool and other people. because if i do they do things that i dnt really feel comfortable with like for example finding girls and etc. ive never gone out with a girl or kissed touched one or anyhting.

but this leads me to doing other bad stuff like watching explicit videos and doing other bad stuff that i really regret. i really try not to do this stuff but because of the environment around me and the fact i havent touched kissed a girl, all this stuff just builds up inside my head and makes me watch exlicit videos and do bad stuff. sometimes i get so fed up i feel like commiting sucide.

i really need help in improving my imaan and becoming a muslim. i really fear death because i kno if i die ill go to hell.

:sl: brother.
firstly, how do you know that you are going to hell?? thats probably going too far.
secondly, don't worry about not looking into peoples eyes when you talk to them. of course it is important to communicate with people properly, but i know someone that when people look at her in the eyes when they talk to me, it really creeps her out. she reckons it feels like an invasion of privacy.
maybe though it is a physical problem. did you try seeing your doctor??

thirdly, id just like to advice you to be careful about peer pressure. make sure you hang out with the right gang. its okay that you avoid your friends after school. I know a few people who used to do that as well. maybe you could change schools. is that possible??
lastly, I would like you to read the following thread: http://www.islamicboard.com/cyber-co...e-help-me.html

I really believe there are really good lessons to be learnt from it.

:sl:

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[peacechaser]

Waalaikumsalam

Salaam brother. You know what? Prevent yourself from kissing girls, and that's the true pride. Believe me. All members here would argue the same thing, because that's what a true muslim should do. And becoming a true muslim is also the highest pride. Just take a look at the history and sunnah of Prophet Muhammad SAW. He struggled with a huge pride for the sake of Islam, while the majority of people weren't siding with him. In the end, Islam won.

I see that your purpose to fulfill your wish is not because of your sexual desire, but because touching girls becomes a reputation in your environment. if that's the case, then you should know that your kissing friends are just like the foes of Muhammad and Allah. Take a look at Koran, and you will see a lot of verses that said those people will suffer not only in the hereafter, but also in the world, and this is a truthful fact. Do you know what will happen to a people which enjoyment can only be fulfilled by sexual desire, brute, or the other immoral matters? They will find themselves meeting a people with a disloyal attitude, and losing their enjoyment and hope in the end. It's logical.

Now, just forget your desires, because it's a false reputation. However, if you've ever done the things you shouldn't do, then always know Allah The Forgiving. Always remember advises then pick them wisely, and for a start, read Koran with the translation, and let His words flow into your hearts. Be a proud man.

:w:

[Abdul Fattah]

Selam aleykum
Don't worry brother, I don't like to make eye-contact with strangers to.
Some tricks I've learned over the years, just stare at the face off-focus, that way their head is a blur and you don't feel as making eye-contact. Or if you get a headache from that, instead just look at their nose or some central part of there face, don't stare to much though, because then they might become uncomfortable.

because if i do they do things that i dnt really feel comfortable with like for example finding girls and etc. ive never gone out with a girl or kissed touched one or anyhting.

MashaAllh brother, congratulations, there's not many brothers in the west that can say they kept them self clear from zina.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl: brothers and sisters.

brother, i forgot to add one thing from my original post. and that is just becareful of shaytaans footsteps. it seems to me that he was unable to defeat you in going out with girls, so he has softened the way by tempting you to watch haraam things, etc. it seems that the next step is to temp you to do what you were originally avoiding.
do you think that by indulging in a haraam alternative that ahtaan is doing you an favors??
:sl:

[nebula]

well bros and sisters i just wanted to say thanks for the advice.

But i need some advice for something else that troubles me in life i forgot to add this to my original post... well u c im not really comfortable with the way i look but it just bothers me wen i wake up or do something. i dnt have much confidence or self esteem in myself. like ppl treat me differently bcoz of the way i look. ive noticed this alot i try and ignore it but i just cant. like nowdays ppl in school college think they are superior or something because they look better. i dunno why its like this but this really affects me in everyday things.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

bro... Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu :)

bro this may not happen today/tomorrow or even withiin the next 10 years. but at some point you have got to give up each and every evil you commit, FORCE YOURSELF to sit down and read at least a ruku of Quran a day. Pray all your prayers and strive to please your parents whilst aiming to earn Allahs pleasure.


bro trust me, emptiness creates space for sin, but nothing fills up this emptiness better then emaan, and the best way to raise emaan is to pray and read quran everyday regardless of rain/shine/illness or anything.

commitment my brother... it doesnt matter if your whole household is different FEEL THAT PASSION WHICH MAKES YOU STAND OUT!!

[IbnAbdulHakim]

But i need some advice for something else that troubles me in life i forgot to add this to my original post... well u c im not really comfortable with the way i look but it just bothers me wen i wake up or do something. i dnt have much confidence or self esteem in myself. like ppl treat me differently bcoz of the way i look. ive noticed this alot i try and ignore it but i just cant. like nowdays ppl in school college think they are superior or something because they look better. i dunno why its like this but this really affects me in everyday things.

looks are so overrated!

bro dont stress over that and do silly things to make yourself look more cooler. We've been put on this earth to please Allah not people, trust me if we dont care at all about what people think, people will flock to us. I've done it for a long time and it works all the time, try it if you want, just care about what Allah thinks :) and forget what people think

[nebula]

asalaamalakum bros and sisters

I need some advice for something else that troubles me in life i forgot to add this to my other post... well u c im not really comfortable with the way i look but it just bothers me wen i wake up or do something. i dnt have much confidence or self esteem in myself. like ppl treat me differently bcoz of the way i look. ive noticed this alot i try and ignore it but i just cant. like nowdays ppl in school college think they are superior or something because they look better or something, even other muslims dnt get along with me or dnt like me for sme reason ?? i dunno why i try and be polite to people i try and be nice to everyone i meet. i dunno why its like this but this really affects me in everyday things, this issue has gone so bad i cant talk to people without thinking about what they think about me (phyically).

[aamirsaab]

:sl:

....well u c im not really comfortable with the way i look but it just bothers me wen i wake up or do something. i dnt have much confidence or self esteem in myself. like ppl treat me differently bcoz of the way i look. ive noticed this alot i try and ignore it but i just cant. like nowdays ppl in school college think they are superior or something because they look better. i dunno why its like this but this really affects me in everyday things.

I'll tell you this: I'm only 5 foot 3 and I get all sorts of judgements made. But you learn to brush it off and enjoy life. I'll admit it does take a while to get used to but in the end you realise that noone is perfect so it doesn't matter what others say about you.

Keep on moving cus the world isn't going to stop just 'cus you do.

[nebula]

bro like im only 16 atm but i was thinking of maybe keeping a beard when im older but i was thinking will i be able to get a wife u kno if i hav a beard.

[aamirsaab]

:sl:

bro like im only 16 atm but i was thinking of maybe keeping a beard when im older but i was thinking will i be able to get a wife u kno if i hav a beard.

If you want the beard, make sure it's a proper one. And don't think about marriage just yet - you've got plenty of time for that. Keep your chuddies on.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

bro like im only 16 atm but i was thinking of maybe keeping a beard when im older but i was thinking will i be able to get a wife u kno if i hav a beard.

loool your funny i like you, i never even mentioned a beard :D

but yeah keep it, its beautiful, manly and SUNNAH ! (how can something the prophet done not be desired by the believeing women?) and thats who we wanna marry right? believing women! so keep the beard, may Allahg rant you a pious spouse.


yeah you will be able to get a great pious partner inshaAllah, it is all Qadr of Allah. Dont let others put you off, like i sed before bro a Mu'min (believer) is like the single resistance opposing the strongest storms, no matter what people say keep fitnah to a minimal and do what you feel is right. if a sunnah (and understand beard is waajiba ccording to the madhaahib) is going to create fitnah then its perhaps best to perform the sunnah when fitnah is less inshaAllah.


but bro pray, read quran, do this... trust me it will help. when you become a stranger to this world, you will inshaAllah be embraced by the pious and Allah subhana wata'ala

[IbnAbdulHakim]

:sl:

If you want the beard, make sure it's a proper one. And don't think about marriage just yet - you've got plenty of time for that. Keep your chuddies on.

whats up dad :p, lol yeah thinking about marriage too early can be a problem, bros right here i must say

[nebula]

haha :)

[IbnAbdulHakim]

haha :)

just incase you miss it, i posted advice on the previous page :)

[nebula]

yeah i just read it bro thanks :)

[seeker_of_ilm]

:sl:

First and foremost, make sincere du'ah to Allaah.

Also, with regards to the confidence problem, I would advise you, if you haven't already, take up a sport. Sport works wonders for a persons confidence. You'll meet all sorts of people, and your social skills will improve greatly. You'll also, insha'Allah have more self-esteem.

Second, if you haven't already, join up for any Islamic courses in your area, because it will:

A) introduce you to like-minded practicing brothers, and hence, improve confidence and socialising skills.
B) increase your knowledge of the deen
C) it will occupy you, instead of spending time watching explicit videos, and other such vices.

Remember the saying, "The Devil makes work for idle Hands", so make it so that you don't even have the TIME to watch these videos. Make sure you're always occupied with something, and by the will of Allaah your problems should go away.

May Allaah help you.

:w:

P.S. You're not the first teen to go through this, and certainly won't be the last. So just relax, enjoy life, and serve Allaah. :)

[Ummu Sufyaan]

well bros and sisters i just wanted to say thanks for the advice.

But i need some advice for something else that troubles me in life i forgot to add this to my original post... well u c im not really comfortable with the way i look but it just bothers me wen i wake up or do something. i dnt have much confidence or self esteem in myself. like ppl treat me differently bcoz of the way i look. ive noticed this alot i try and ignore it but i just cant. like nowdays ppl in school college think they are superior or something because they look better. i dunno why its like this but this really affects me in everyday things.

:sl: brother and sisters.

why aren't you comfortable with the way you look? i mean im not asking you to describe yourself, but maybe to yourself you aren't good looking, and maybe to someone else you are. it seems to me that you can't be that not good looking because you mentioned in a previous post that you do have friens. so maybe it bothers you that you are not attractive to girls (i don't mean to embarrass you). not everything has to do with looks. when people see the real person, believe me looks become nothing. like someone can have the ugylist looks, but their personality makes their physical looks attractive and vise versa; someone can be really good looking, and yet have the most feral attitude. And this is a good way to see who your real friends are. why would you want to befriend people who judge you on looks.
let me tell you something. I know a large family of 7 girls and two boys. the girls used to get teased and had hardly (and some of them) no friends because they wore hijaab, and plus their dad used to earn this really junky car and everyone used to pick on them for it. so some of the girls had more friends than the others, but the ones who didn't, didn't have friends because of the hijaab. and you know what, of of them said that she looks back and thinks, alhamduliah, because she saw her younger sister go through school and and have friends and they weren't all that much of a good influence. i mean she didn't do anything too bad, but she did get into trouble alot.
and you know what else? one of the sisters was sitting once at school by herself at lunchtime (she was abit of a loner), and a bunch of girls came up to her and one of them said :'you know that if you dressed the way we do, you would have more friends.' and she was like thinking well thank god that i don't, because what a stupid thing tho base your friendships on!!!
anyways my point is it's better to have no friends than to have frends who jude you on looks, and who influence you in a negative way, which disleases allah.
oh and about the beard, i advice you to grow it now. shaytaan will always up an obstacle in your way from doing something good. in the next few years when you plan to grow it, shaytaan will come to you and say: "oh how am i gonna get a good job with this beard." or something like that. im sure you know the drill.

:sl:

[Ummu Sufyaan]

whats up dad :p, lol yeah thinking about marriage too early can be a problem, bros right here i must say

:sl: brothers and sisters.
hmmm.. im gonna have to disagree with you on that one. i think it is better to get married early. your hormonesare going crazy at that stage, and they need suppressing as much as possible and the best way to do it would be the islamic way.
whats the hadith about young people (or is it young men?) getting married early, and if they cannot, then they should fast? im not gonna comment anymore, just in case i oppose it. if i had that hadith, then maybe i would comment alittle further, but better to keep it shut.

:sl:

[rozeena]

that is sooooooooooo true sis. if ur frends dont appreciate you 4 who u r den they not reali ur frends r dey. At the end of the day we have the whole world 2 critisis evry little thing we do but the ppl who dnt criticise u n stick by u r ur family n GOOD frends

[Ummu Sufyaan]

that is sooooooooooo true sis. if ur frends dont appreciate you 4 who u r den they not reali ur frends r dey. At the end of the day we have the whole world 2 critisis evry little thing we do but the ppl who dnt criticise u n stick by u r ur family n GOOD frends

:sl: brothers and sisters.
I kinda feel sorry for Muslim teenagers. i mean all teenages go through it, but i feel sorry for the muslim ones more. they are at such a vulnerable age. they go this way, it will make them. if they go that way, it will break them. i mean young brothers and sisters ask yourselves where is/are these people going to be in ten years time when your life is a mess for hanging out with them. they aren't gonna come to your rescue.

anywayz, thats my two cents.
:sl:

[IbnAbdulHakim]

:sl: brothers and sisters.
hmmm.. im gonna have to disagree with you on that one. i think it is better to get married early. your hormonesare going crazy at that stage, and they need suppressing as much as possible and the best way to do it would be the islamic way.
whats the hadith about young people (or is it young men?) getting married early, and if they cannot, then they should fast? im not gonna comment anymore, just in case i oppose it. if i had that hadith, then maybe i would comment alittle further, but better to keep it shut.

:sl:

assalamu alaikum

sister in an ideal world where everything works perfectly it most certainly is best to think about marriage at a young age and get married young. however if this is a possibility or not is an entirely different issue. If the brother from a young age can look after teh wife, pay for her and give her proper accomodation then let him think about it to his hearts extent assuming that his parents agree with it. However if he cannot meet these conditions then thinking about it will just be a fitnah for him... i hope you know where im coming from

[Hamas]

Assalamu Alaikum,

I would like to say that it is one thing to be able to have girls and stay away from them and another to not be able to have them and stay away from them.

In your case your basically saying when your with your friends they talk about or have girls but you dont show any interest maybe because of your confidence but when your alone you watch porn and masterbate, thats what your saying isnt it? but it turns out to be that your better than them because atleast your doin it in secret.

Sometimes you find ones who can get and have girls and stay away from them but the ones that cannot daydream and wish for them. The one who has girls and stays away from them gets more reward than the one who cannot in the first place because usually the one who cant tell himself oh i cannot get girls so i might as well try not to get them, do you get me?

Assalamu Alaikum :)

[Hamas]

Assalamu Alaikum,

I would like to say that it is one thing to be able to have girls and stay away from them and another to not be able to have them and stay away from them.

In your case your basically saying when your with your friends they talk about or have girls but you dont show any interest maybe because of your confidence but when your alone you watch porn and masterbate, thats what your saying isnt it? but it turns out to be that your better than them because atleast your doin it in secret.

Sometimes you find ones who can get and have girls and stay away from them but the ones that cannot daydream and wish for them. The one who has girls and stays away from them gets more reward than the one who cannot in the first place because usually the one who cant tell himself oh i cannot get girls so i might as well try not to get them, do you get me?

Assalamu Alaikum :)

Assalamu Alaikum,

Brother i would like to say that i wasnt pointing any fingers or refering to you in any way, i was talking in general, your 16 years old and its that time of age for you where your hormones will start to play up.

The best thing for you to do would be to spend your youth and your life in the path of Allah but especially your youth, InshaAllah that would sweeten your life and your imaan. Allah will bless you with a beautifully content feeling when you worship Allah and give up your desires for Him. Im 24 years old and whatever ive done uptill now what i have left to spend in the path of Allah is the peak of my youth if that but your at the begining of yours, You have a very profitable chance and offer here from Allah in regards to your deen. You should research about the reward a person gets who spends his youth in the path of Almighty Allah.

Assalamu Alaikum :)

[rubiesand]

Wa alaikum assalam

When you feel really uncomfortable in yourself and self conscious and anxious about how you look, people around you pick up on that and it affects how they respond to you. People are basically good and well intentioned but are not so great at dealing with anxiety in another. They would prefer not to have to deal with it and try to exit themselves from the situation (and that goes double for schoolgoers because of their lack of maturity and the stage of life they are at). But from your perspective, that looks like they aren't getting along with you or they don't like you or it's all because of how you look. You can be polite and try to be nice, but it won't solve this, because what is going on in your head is affecting your communication with people, and the message other people get from you is not 'he's nice', it's 'he's uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable'.

So can you try and change the message you are sending out? By accepting that how you look is ok, and gradually lessen your self consciousness. You wouldn't dislike someone just because they don't look as good as you would you? Of course not. That would be a mean and shallow attitude to have. So, try not to attribute that kind of nastiness to the people around you. They are not that different from you, and most likely lots of them have their own anxieties that trouble them. Make it your task to relax and help other people feel relaxed around you too.

asalaamalakum bros and sisters

I need some advice for something else that troubles me in life i forgot to add this to my other post... well u c im not really comfortable with the way i look but it just bothers me wen i wake up or do something. i dnt have much confidence or self esteem in myself. like ppl treat me differently bcoz of the way i look. ive noticed this alot i try and ignore it but i just cant. like nowdays ppl in school college think they are superior or something because they look better or something, even other muslims dnt get along with me or dnt like me for sme reason ?? i dunno why i try and be polite to people i try and be nice to everyone i meet. i dunno why its like this but this really affects me in everyday things, this issue has gone so bad i cant talk to people without thinking about what they think about me (phyically).

[nebula]

Wa alaikum assalam

When you feel really uncomfortable in yourself and self conscious and anxious about how you look, people around you pick up on that and it affects how they respond to you. People are basically good and well intentioned but are not so great at dealing with anxiety in another. They would prefer not to have to deal with it and try to exit themselves from the situation (and that goes double for schoolgoers because of their lack of maturity and the stage of life they are at). But from your perspective, that looks like they aren't getting along with you or they don't like you or it's all because of how you look. You can be polite and try to be nice, but it won't solve this, because what is going on in your head is affecting your communication with people, and the message other people get from you is not 'he's nice', it's 'he's uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable'.

So can you try and change the message you are sending out? By accepting that how you look is ok, and gradually lessen your self consciousness. You wouldn't dislike someone just because they don't look as good as you would you? Of course not. That would be a mean and shallow attitude to have. So, try not to attribute that kind of nastiness to the people around you. They are not that different from you, and most likely lots of them have their own anxieties that trouble them. Make it your task to relax and help other people feel relaxed around you too.

thanks sis, inshallah i will accept the way i am and the way allah has made me and inshallah i will try to talk comfortabley and nicely to people around me. u were right about the message ppl get frm me ill try and change that.

i just wanna say thanks 2 everyone for the advice and ask everyone just do dua from me please and remember me in ur duas if u can please i will really appreciate it. :)

[Ummu Sufyaan]

assalamu alaikum

sister in an ideal world where everything works perfectly it most certainly is best to think about marriage at a young age and get married young. however if this is a possibility or not is an entirely different issue. If the brother from a young age can look after teh wife, pay for her and give her proper accomodation then let him think about it to his hearts extent assuming that his parents agree with it. However if he cannot meet these conditions then thinking about it will just be a fitnah for him... i hope you know where im coming from

:sl: brothers and sisters.

i do see where your're coming from, and that is a good point.
:sl:

[saira-k]

dont worry inshAllah things wil get better :)

[vorx]

Things you should know that makes your confident:

-Look at the eyes of your audience.

-Keep your head up when you want and shoulders high.

-For first impressions when you are on the line, make a very strong handshake and deep stare in the eyes with a big confident smile.

-Never bite your nails and lips.

-Dress with your **** tucked inside your pants (no jeans) with matching shoes(no sneakers) when you are going out to give impression. Comb your hair behind with some gel, and make sure you don't smell bad. clean your teeth too.

-If you meet a girl, be yourself and make her interested in the real you. Pick a subject that she has less knowledge about and you sure can handle it comes to a debate. in the first date, you never ever talk about yourself unless she asks you. Its A-L-L A-B-O-U-T H-E-R. so make sure you ask alot of intersting questions..

Hope this help out.

[vorx]

-Dress with your **** tucked inside your pants (no jeans) with matching shoes(no sneakers) when you are going out to give impression. Comb your hair behind with some gel, and make sure you don't smell bad. clean your teeth too.

Hope this help out.

I dont know why i got the word banned but what i meant is you should put your shirt inside your pants.

[Woodrow]

I dont know why i got the word banned but what i meant is you should put your shirt inside your pants.

Since I do not see where any mod edited the post. I believe the auto censor did the deletion. Perhaps you made a typo and the word came out as something on the blocked list.