Totally confused after saying 'yes'

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
I am to be married next year and have been 'engaged' for nearly a year now. When I recieved the proposal and after I saw the person, I did Istikhara which came out positive. I did it twice and it came out positive both times.

My husband - to -be is overseas. Ever since I came back home, my mother has been nagging me and trying to get some sort of reaction from me. She keeps talking about how old he is, that he should have a better job, etc etc. She keeps mentioning all these negative things about him and seriously making me doubt my own decision.
I remember saying yes to his proposal after my istikhara and how happy I was. Now she keeps putting heaps of negatives in my mind and asking me whether I am sure. It is a torture for me everyday, thinking about the decision I made. I am not married yet, so i suppose there is time for me to refuse him, but my istikhara came out positive and I have been trying to go along with it. If Allah gave me the green light, who am I to reject it?

But my mothers constant interference and bringing up his negatives is making me cry everyday because I feel I am on the verge of saying no to him. I respect my mother and take seriously everything she says. Maybe she is not the best person for advice though. I just dont know what to do about her constantly reminding me of why he is not good enough for me and the fact that this is affecting my view of him, and how to deal with this in terms of my istikhara.

Could someone please shed some light on this and what i could do because i am so totally confused and I cry nearly all the time about the decision. It has been a year nearly and without contact and the time difference, there are just too many questions.

Mother keeps asking whether 'i am sure' about my decision - i said 'i dont think anyone is ever 100% sure. I only met the guy twice, then i did istikhara. I am trusting what Allah hinted to me through istikhara.' I am totally confused.:-\

[AnonymousPoster]

*bump*

[InToTheRain]

:sl:

LOL, reminds me of what my little sister is going through but she get's it from all her family members (Mother, 7 brothers, sister, uncles etc etc). so forgive me for laughing.

I think it's natural that your famility members criticise your potential partner. For example I would add some positive statements but then go on to say some negative ones...Just enough to make her feel that she has every right to reject the proposal (I hope :zip: ). Thing is we don't want the sister to feel like she should get married coz everyone says what a good guy he is. It should be completely her own choice, so in order to make sure she has enough conviction in her decision we add a dosage of negative comments to see what she says.

So it's your decision sis and don't blame you for getting cold feet coz it's a big one.

[Woodrow]

:w:

You have to understand a parent's concern.This is one of the most serious events in your life. Your mother is concerned as she rightfully should be.

Perhaps this is a test for you or an evaluation to verify to you that you are making the right choice. You are going to have to search hard and deep to convince your mother that it is the right choice for you. This searching and evaluating will force you to think about things you did not consider. Use this as a time and a method for you to decide if it is the correct choice.

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[-Elle-]

:sl:

Ok,before I say anything,I need you to know that this is just advice based on my own personal opinion...the final decision is yours and yours only,and it should not be influenced by anyone,ok sis? :)

You know,marriage is a big,big deal...it's a life long commitment therefore I somewhat understand your mother's actions.She might be concerned for you and only want you to,not only marry a good man,but have a good life too.

But as for her telling you wether you should(not can) marry him or not,I definetly disagree with that.She can advise or against/for it as much as she wants,but in the end,you're the one who's going to marry this guy,you're the one who's (insh'allah) going to spend the rest of your life with him.

And finally sis,if you truly like this man and feel that he is the one for you,(haha,I sound all cheesy),if you are a hundred percent certain of your decision(forget about everyone else,focus on your own opinion on this situation),if you are CLEAR OF DOUBTS,then you need to stay strong no matter what....

You need your mother's blessing,so try and let her know how you feel and what her words are doing to you,tell her your side of the story,there's obviously a reason why you said yes in the first place,so remind her of that.

and think about it this way,if your mother wasn't negatively influencing you, would you even have any doubts...?

hope it helps and good luck :)~!

[.: Jannati :.]

wa'alaykum asalaam

I understand your mothers concern, she may just be wanting to make the negative aspects of your potential spouse's character apparent and clear to you so you are aware of what kind of person you're marrying. Our parents want us to be happy and only have our well being at heart. Yes these things that you're being told may hurt you but in one way or another they're also going to be of benefit to you, whether you like it or not.

I suggest you perform Istikharah once again, and indeed Istikharah not only means your seeking Hidayah (guidance) from Allah in what to do reagrding your affairs, but also while doing so, you're asking Allah to take away & protect you from that which may be harmful & detrimental for you, your Deen, Dunyah and Akhirah.

Place your trust in Allah sis, and remember Allah Alone is the Knower of al Ghaib (the unseen), He Alone is the most knowledgeable about the reality of the affairs and their results, their benefits from their harms, their good from their evil, in this world and the Hereafter.

"With Him are the keys of Ghaib (all that is hidden) none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is on the earth and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record." (6:59)

may Allah guide & bless you with all that is best for your Deen, Dunyah and Akhirah Aameen

[al Amaanah]

you say you were positive about it, alhamdulillah. so tawakal 'alaa Allah and make the step bi idhnillah.

[AnonymousPoster]

Thanks brothers and sisters. Truth be told, the doubts are running wild in my head. I don't know whether it was other people who planted them there but I know a few are of my own. But seriously, who goes into a marriage without one single doubt in their head? I'm sure people must have a small inkling that one aspect or other is not right with the other person. Like, is there such a thing as being totally satisfied with someone? I don't think there is. But the negatives at the moment just seem to be so outweighing everything, that I cannot reconcile these thoughts in my head and heart, with my positive istikhara. If I feel my decision is so wrong sometimes....why does my istikhara say otherwise?

[~Taalibah~]

This reminds me of a friend of mine who got married. She used to feel the same, her aunts, uncles etc made her worry alot about her decision. She made Istikhara namaaz more than once, coming out positive. Alhamdulillah she's well and happily married now.

i think you have to have some negative feelings after all no one is perfect, if the Istikhara is coming out clear i would say Bismillah....You can also make Dua unto Allah Ta'aala to help you.
All in all its your choice sister, i wish you the best with whatever happens. not forgetting one day i have to make tha decision too.

[islamirama]

Thanks brothers and sisters. Truth be told, the doubts are running wild in my head. I don't know whether it was other people who planted them there but I know a few are of my own. But seriously, who goes into a marriage without one single doubt in their head? I'm sure people must have a small inkling that one aspect or other is not right with the other person. Like, is there such a thing as being totally satisfied with someone? I don't think there is. But the negatives at the moment just seem to be so outweighing everything, that I cannot reconcile these thoughts in my head and heart, with my positive istikhara. If I feel my decision is so wrong sometimes....why does my istikhara say otherwise?

Sometimes we may not understand the istakhirah and take it to mean the opposite of what it showed us. Other times we see the istakhirah but choose to follow the outside pressure. Now that you have many negative thoughts and 2nd thoughts, it would be best to inshallah clear these up before going forward.

Firstly, you're mother has had a troubled past and right now you seem to be the only one that is kind to her. Either she may not want you to leave her side, or she's afraid of you ending up with a looser and a bad marriage. In either case, you should talk to her and clear up things in her heart/mind and tell her to trust in Allah and best thing she can do for you is to make dua for your happiness.

For yourself, you should see what is troubling you and take care of those things. If you need to talk to the guy to clear things up then talk to him so there's no misunderstandings, misconceptions, or just false assumptions going around. If it's something troubling you only then you need to either talk to yourself (speaking out loud helps or writing a diary to yourself) or talk to a wise and trustworthy person about your concerns and see what advice they can offer.

Lastly, you should make duas for yourself against fitnah, whisperings of shaytan, evil eye of others and just in general. here's a good link to check inshallah
http://www.geocities.com/mutmainaa/dua.html

[-Elle-]

Thanks brothers and sisters. Truth be told, the doubts are running wild in my head. I don't know whether it was other people who planted them there but I know a few are of my own. But seriously, who goes into a marriage without one single doubt in their head? I'm sure people must have a small inkling that one aspect or other is not right with the other person. Like, is there such a thing as being totally satisfied with someone? I don't think there is. But the negatives at the moment just seem to be so outweighing everything, that I cannot reconcile these thoughts in my head and heart, with my positive istikhara. If I feel my decision is so wrong sometimes....why does my istikhara say otherwise?

From my point of view,having doubts is absolutly normal.Every big change that occurs in someone's life brings along doubts.Example?When choosing what to study.Even if you know exactly what you want to do,doubts will arise within yourself,and you'll ask yourself,am I making the right choice?My future depends on this...what if I can't get a job in the future?

Same goes for marriage,you'll probably ask yourself a thousand times if your decision is the right one,but you'll never be a hundred percent sure.Only Allah(SWT) knows what the future holds...

I believe that the negatives seem to be outweighing everything else now because you are constantly hearing about them.If you we're only listening to positive things about this man,then I truly believe that you're thoughts would be reversed...but im no psychologist.:rolleyes:

Now,if you are having doubts,talk them through(someone mentioned earlier to write them,that's a good idea)ask all the questions(to him,to his family) you need to,and don't feel embarassed when doing you...the more questions you have answered,the fewer the doubts will be.

This is a serious decision,therefore sis,make sure you not only have good facts to base your final decision on...but good feelings too.Sometimes,we just need to go with our gut.(I know this is easier said then done.)

Insh'allah all goes well :)

[AnonymousPoster]

I want to thank you all for helping me so much. Sabeeha, islamirama and houda, thankyou especially. May Allah reward you guys with the best of everything ameen. Your words resonated with me very deeply.

I had a talk with the guy about what was going on in my head and alhamdulillah, things have cleared somewhat. Actually, they have cleared majorly.

I have decided to go with my Istikhara. I am not saying that all the fears have gone completely, because it wouldnt be normal if i wasnt a little apprehensive about making such a major decision. Most of my fears are to do with moving and his family. But even these fears have been alleviated a little bit and I have decided that I'm going ahead with my istikhara.

Jazakallah and may Allah grant you all Jannatul Firdos for your efforts. I make dua like this in this precious month for you all.

Remember me in your duas too.
:sl:

[~Taalibah~]

Alhamdulillah, i am glad!
Insha Allah all will go well and i hope you will be happy sister.
:w:

[-Elle-]

jazaka'allah kheir sis:) Im glad I could help...this is what muslims are supposed to do...help each other in whichever way they can ;)

Insh'allah all goes well,im happy to hear that you are now more confident in your decision,may Allah(SWT) only give you positive influences and strength from now on.


and btw...in my second post,
this line,

and don't feel embarassed when doing you...

I meant when doing so,lol,I had written smtg else but then erased it,*sighs*Limited members don't get the edit button...;)

Anw,

good luck sis!I'll keep you in my du'ahs,

:w:

[S_87]

Ask her the same question.. Does ur mom like him or not..If she doesnt like him.. dont marry him.. Its better to keep your parents satisfied than for the person you love to be satisfied... Its a sign of Qiyamat on this Issue... People nowadays love their spouse more than their parents.. (not everyone tho)

:sl:

yeh but some parents are negative for the sake of being negative or because the guy isnt the right colour or culture.