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dawah_786
10-21-2007, 01:26 PM
I don't know the answer to this one, so this is the scenario, please advise as to how to resolve. Recently my wife and I have been planning to go to hajj inshallah next year. I went to my sister house not long ago and told her of my intention to go. As I have been kicked out my parents house long time ago (reasons for this as some of you may wish to know can be found in previous posts that I have sent) my sister went to my mum house and told everyone about this and also said that she will be comining along too. everyone at my mums undermined me saying we will see if he does have the will power to go so in a sense they challenged it which led my sister to challenging them back to giving them her word that "watch I will go next year with my brother and his wife and ill show you that when time is nearer" and she gave her qasam etc. Anyhow the problem is this that as me and wife have never been out of the uk before she assumed the prilgramige would be the best way forward if we did wish to go out the Uk. now she kinda upset with the fact that my sister wishes to come along too. what do I do to resolve this matter?
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Al-Zaara
10-21-2007, 01:56 PM
Thread approved.
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S_87
10-21-2007, 02:01 PM
:sl:

has your sister performed haj before?
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dawah_786
10-21-2007, 02:04 PM
No but I think her own husband doesn't want to go as yet which is why she making the plans to go with me
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S_87
10-21-2007, 02:08 PM
:sl:

hmm well i can see why your wife wouldnt want a sis in law tagging along and if it was a holiday id totally understand.
but this is hajj something that is necessary, and you are a mahram for your sister. why not explain this to your wife?
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dawah_786
10-21-2007, 02:13 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by amani
:sl:

hmm well i can see why your wife wouldnt want a sis in law tagging along and if it was a holiday id totally understand.
but this is hajj something that is necessary, and you are a mahram for your sister. why not explain this to your wife?
Yeah she knows that but is kinda upset as my sister has a tendency to giving her word to my family about other things that involve me like recently without consulting or asking me she told everyone at home tht I'm going to take her leicester to buy her eid clothes whereas she didn't even ask me so my wife kinda fed up with her unruly ways of tagging along to places
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جوري
10-21-2007, 02:16 PM
Tell your wife, it isn't up to her to deny someone a religious right!-- she may have a say in other matters, but not whether someone prays, fasts or makes pilgrimage..

speaking as a woman, I sometimes myself can't understand the rational behind the behavior of other women?..

Emotions, emotions all over the place.. sob7an Allah-- I pray she finds away to understand that the meaning behind pilgrimage or fast or prayer isn't just in the ritual but in the positive change in self.. it is about reformation, making peace, reaching out, being a better person..
Do people honestly believe Allah needs our prayers, fasts or pilgrimage? It is for our own personal benefits..

Believe me I understand the discord between sisters in law, given that my own sister in law has tormented me and come between my bros and me and all of my family repeatedly.. but if there was just one opportunity for her to make a fulfill an obligation, no matter what it is. I'd find a way to put aside the differences and wish her the best on her endeavor...

I suggest you reason with your wife.. insha'Allah, she will see things from a pragmatic approach..
May Allah make this easy for all of you
:w:
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dawah_786
10-21-2007, 02:23 PM
Sister, she is understanding in that aspect but as my wife is going to work so that she can save for both her and me to go to hajj (im working to but paying household expenditure) she knows that if my sister comes along too she will have to pay for her expenses once she reaches saudi, I know my sister will pay the airfare to get there but she will expect the rest to come from me but in actual fact it will be the wife paying seeing as she will looking to pay for the entire cost of the journey and in that sense it doesn't seem fair on her but as she doesn't like to cause any hurt/upset to any I know my wife will keep schtum about it but deep down I know it may get to her
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sevgi
10-21-2007, 02:27 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by amani
:sl:

hmm well i can see why your wife wouldnt want a sis in law tagging along and if it was a holiday id totally understand.
but this is hajj something that is necessary, and you are a mahram for your sister. why not explain this to your wife?
lol..

shes gna be stuck with her the whole time...not u bro...

its slack! she wants to do hajj without external intervention and reminders from the 'real world'...

shes being rightfully selfish i reckon!
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ayesha309
10-21-2007, 02:28 PM
i thnk ur wife seems like a very nice and accepting women so Insha'Allah things will work out but just have a word with ur sister
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dawah_786
10-21-2007, 02:33 PM
but how would I tell my sister as anything that I would say regarding the matter would probably result in her saying she doesn't want to go overall and then I will have to bear with her hateful attidue that she tends to give when she doesn't get her way around me
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sevgi
10-21-2007, 02:40 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by dawah_786
but how would I tell my sister as anything that I would say regarding the matter would probably result in her saying she doesn't want to go overall and then I will have to bear with her hateful attidue that she tends to give when she doesn't get her way around me
lol...who is she again?

ur sister...

u have a life..u have a family of ur own...u have a wife. thank god she isnt like ur sister.imagine what u wud do then.

well...

u have to break someones heart.

take ur pick.

be wise.
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Amz
10-21-2007, 02:43 PM
u gota have a chat with ure sis...i knw itz gnna b tough, but its got 2 b done
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Maidah
10-21-2007, 05:32 PM
bro if ur sis is capable of going with her own husband, i think she should make plans to go with him. But going hajj is one of those things that is up to Allah, sometimes we can have everything planned and ready but we still don't end up going, it's when he wills for us to come that we are able to go.

I'm sure if you explain to ur wife she will inevetably accept it, but i see no harm in you speeking to your sister about this and ask for her opinion on this matter.

And hajj is hajj, not a survey trip of the place. so if ur sis gets to do the hajj through you (as you're her mahrem), then you'll just get sawab for it.

:peace:
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MaiCarInMtl
10-22-2007, 11:48 AM
I think you need to talk to both your sister and your wife.

Your wife shouldn't be upset that your sister wants to come along on Hajj - I think it sounds like a great idea (isn't it better in groups?). If it's a question of money, then your sister and her husband should make sure that she takes responsibility for all of her expenses (you and your wife are already paying for your part). Also, your sister shouldn't be speaking for you - you're an adult, you can speak for yourself and make your own decisions.

Simply my $0.02.
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S_87
10-22-2007, 11:56 AM
:sl:

oh it seems the issues not hajj at all but your sister. so how about telling your sister that she cant come anywhere with you unless shes invited or asks first?

and if she IS coming for hajj your wife will NOT be paying for her but she can pay for herself? and if she comes up with the i cant afford it excuse then just tell her if she cant afford to go for hajj then it is not necesary for her
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Ummu Sufyaan
10-22-2007, 12:06 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by dawah_786
I don't know the answer to this one, so this is the scenario, please advise as to how to resolve. Recently my wife and I have been planning to go to hajj inshallah next year. I went to my sister house not long ago and told her of my intention to go. As I have been kicked out my parents house long time ago (reasons for this as some of you may wish to know can be found in previous posts that I have sent) my sister went to my mum house and told everyone about this and also said that she will be comining along too. everyone at my mums undermined me saying we will see if he does have the will power to go so in a sense they challenged it which led my sister to challenging them back to giving them her word that "watch I will go next year with my brother and his wife and ill show you that when time is nearer" and she gave her qasam etc. Anyhow the problem is this that as me and wife have never been out of the uk before she assumed the prilgramige would be the best way forward if we did wish to go out the Uk. now she kinda upset with the fact that my sister wishes to come along too. what do I do to resolve this matter?
:sl:
no, i dont think your being selfish. i think its your sisters fault for doing the qasam. im not too sure what it has to do with you. did you promise that you would take her? no.
i agree with your wife. i would be pretty upset too if someone decided to butt in.
:sl:
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
10-22-2007, 12:08 PM
take your sister to hajj, she stuck her neck out for you, its the least you can do !
Reply

Malaikah
10-22-2007, 01:17 PM
:sl:

This is HAJJ we are talking about, one of the five pillars of Islam!

You might want to find out from a sheikh, but you might actually be obliged to take her.
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UmmSqueakster
10-22-2007, 03:07 PM
I'm of the camp where you sit down with yoru sister and explain the money issue. If the issue is that you'll have to pay for her and you, her brother, can't afford it, that's how you have to explain it. From my understanding, the money your wife makes is hers and hers alone. If she wants to give it to someone else, then she can, but no one else has a right to that money.
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IbnAbdulHakim
10-22-2007, 03:09 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Janaan
I'm of the camp where you sit down with yoru sister and explain the money issue. If the issue is that you'll have to pay for her and you, her brother, can't afford it, that's how you have to explain it. From my understanding, the money your wife makes is hers and hers alone. If she wants to give it to someone else, then she can, but no one else has a right to that money.
Agreed !

i didnt realise there was a financial issue here, no its not selfish if your the one paying, i thought your sister was about to pay for herself. If the issue was due to an invasion of privacy, then i would have considered that slightly selfish...
Reply

Chyna
10-26-2007, 12:53 PM
Assalamu Alaikum Brother,

InshAllah this response reaches you in strong Iman.

I have read your question and put simply, your sister is not your responsibility. If she is married, her husband must look after her and is responsible for her in all regards.

Once you are married, your wife then becomes your primary responsibility (after your parents if course). Why would you expect your wife to accept this, and further more to contribute financially to the trip for your sister (of course, this is unless she, from the goodness of her heart offers to do so). If your wife is working, like another poster has stated, the money she makes is hers and hers alone. It is not for you or your sister to spend.

Secondly, you and your wife are a partnership. All that goes on between you or that involves you must be discussed between you both. This is the key to building a strong relationship and also respect between you both. It is a normal reaction for your wife to be slightly uneasy or uncomfortable with your married sister to be tagging along on this trip. Make dua that your sister is able to fulfill this duty with her husband inshAllah, or her son in the future if she is unable to do at the moment.

In regards to the issue that your sister is making decisions without your knowlegde, and sharing them with the rest of the family, well that needs to stop and you would need to be the one to bring this up in a polite, yet firm manner. This could potentially cause very severe problems between you and your wife in the future. Brother, try to put a stop to it now inshAllah.

Lastly, if your wife accepts your sister coming along with you both, then the reward is with her InshAllah.
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piXie
10-26-2007, 01:59 PM
:sl:

^ Absolutely, n 100% agreed!

Masha'Allaah, couldn't have said it better myself...
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
10-28-2007, 09:01 AM
:sl:
what bothers me the most, she made decisions about you, without you. if i was in that situation, that reason alone, i most likely wouldn't take her.
:sl:
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Sunnih
10-28-2007, 10:37 AM
Assalamu alaikum. Dear brother. Your question comprises of e few components. As far as the validity of you taking your sister to perform hajj this is valid although she has a husband just like the Messenger ordered Abdurrahman ibn Ebi Bakr (Aisha's brother) to take Aisha to perform the rites of hajj although He was there.

As far as your wife being cautious about her money by not wanting to pay or being reluctant to pay for your sister's expenses, this is her right because although she does work, she is not obligated to work and the maintenance and expenses for hajj should be covered by you. Her money belongs to her and you have no right over it except in what she freely and willingly gives you from it which I think is the case. Also she will get reward for doing this as this is counted as charity with double reward. So she may distribute her charity as she pleases i.e to pay for you but not for your sister. However she should take into consideration that paying for the hajj of someone is from the best deeds that one may perform with his/her money. If she still does not want to pay for her and you can not afford it then you may borrow the money from her and such a practice is somehow being neglected in our time thus taking the rights of our wives without right. Yes it is valid to borrow from your wife and yes she does not have to work and it is your burden.

As far as the attitude of your sister boasting by relying on you this is wrong no doubt however this does not have any bearing on the ruling of you taking her to hajj. Rather you should try to advice her and explain to her two things: Your rights and obligation toward your family members and also tell her to always say inshallah after speaking about the matters in future.

So in conclusion: You should talk to both your wife and your sister about this matter and this is the best thing to do.

Lastly, I pray to Allah to facilitate your going to hajj (your sister too) and to make it a hajj mabrur.
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islamic
10-28-2007, 11:00 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by dawah_786
I don't know the answer to this one, so this is the scenario, please advise as to how to resolve. Recently my wife and I have been planning to go to hajj inshallah next year. I went to my sister house not long ago and told her of my intention to go. As I have been kicked out my parents house long time ago (reasons for this as some of you may wish to know can be found in previous posts that I have sent) my sister went to my mum house and told everyone about this and also said that she will be comining along too. everyone at my mums undermined me saying we will see if he does have the will power to go so in a sense they challenged it which led my sister to challenging them back to giving them her word that "watch I will go next year with my brother and his wife and ill show you that when time is nearer" and she gave her qasam etc. Anyhow the problem is this that as me and wife have never been out of the uk before she assumed the prilgramige would be the best way forward if we did wish to go out the Uk. now she kinda upset with the fact that my sister wishes to come along too. what do I do to resolve this matter?
brother, you are going to perform haj and haj is not just traveling out of your country. I think you should tell to your wife, your sister, and your family what does haj mean and with what intentions and how should people go to haj. You don't have to fight about who will go and what will do there and ... whatever! Haj is not that, haj is something else.
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RespectAll
10-28-2007, 10:21 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by dawah_786
Yeah she knows that but is kinda upset as my sister has a tendency to giving her word to my family about other things that involve me like recently without consulting or asking me she told everyone at home tht I'm going to take her leicester to buy her eid clothes whereas she didn't even ask me so my wife kinda fed up with her unruly ways of tagging along to places
^ Your sister is clearly using you. Sort it out before it gets out of hand.

It makes no difference whether it's hajj or not, your wife has a moral right to decide who will accompany her aborad. In actual fact, the scholars have written that when one goes for hajj, one should not take ones relatives with, as this may cause arguments etc - which more bad done than good. Especially in hajj, when ones concentration should be on Allaah subhaanahu wa ta`alaa.

Don't take personal offence when your wife doesn't want your sister to tag along; she may not even want her own sister to tag along. The truth is everyone needs their space, especially a married couple, and don't let your sister come in between your relationship - it's clearly not worth it!
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islamic
10-28-2007, 11:45 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by RespectAll
Especially in hajj, when ones concentration should be on Allaah subhaanahu wa ta`alaa.
:bravo:
Reply

YusufNoor
10-28-2007, 11:58 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Chyna
Assalamu Alaikum Brother,

InshAllah this response reaches you in strong Iman.

I have read your question and put simply, your sister is not your responsibility. If she is married, her husband must look after her and is responsible for her in all regards.

Once you are married, your wife then becomes your primary responsibility (after your parents if course). Why would you expect your wife to accept this, and further more to contribute financially to the trip for your sister (of course, this is unless she, from the goodness of her heart offers to do so). If your wife is working, like another poster has stated, the money she makes is hers and hers alone. It is not for you or your sister to spend.

Secondly, you and your wife are a partnership. All that goes on between you or that involves you must be discussed between you both. This is the key to building a strong relationship and also respect between you both. It is a normal reaction for your wife to be slightly uneasy or uncomfortable with your married sister to be tagging along on this trip. Make dua that your sister is able to fulfill this duty with her husband inshAllah, or her son in the future if she is unable to do at the moment.

In regards to the issue that your sister is making decisions without your knowlegde, and sharing them with the rest of the family, well that needs to stop and you would need to be the one to bring this up in a polite, yet firm manner. This could potentially cause very severe problems between you and your wife in the future. Brother, try to put a stop to it now inshAllah.

Lastly, if your wife accepts your sister coming along with you both, then the reward is with her InshAllah.
:sl:

i agree with this post, and would only differ IF you were your sister's wali! which you are not.

if your sister wanted to go purely for the sake of Allah(swt), you might be want to make it all work, but i'm pretty sure the reason for Hajj isn't so you can win an arguement with your parents...^o)

another $.02

:w:
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al Amaanah
10-29-2007, 12:10 AM
I agree with Chyna.

:w:
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