Should I as a daughter pay rent for staying at my mum house?

[salam786]

Salaam, islamically should a daughter have to pay rent to live in my mum house? Reason why I'm asking is I constantly get told to pay my way around the house if I want to have a bath or even to put the heater on. However I am unemployed but when I was working (part-time just on a saturday) I paid £50 on a monthly basis (thats all I could afford). I have money saved away but that is because my mother has told me that she cannot pay for my wedding therefore I will have to make my own arrangements despite my mum spending horrificly on her sons just to please them. Not so long ago is gave my older brother £13,000 to buy a new car and nearly every week my younger brother demands either the latest gadgets/clothing which he gets. My mum and my sister have a tendency to open my mail so they know I have money stored away which is why they demand I pay for bills rent etc. Once the situation got so out of hand that I was told to have a bath elsewhere and not to use any appliances. So for about 3 months I had my bath/shower down my mates house, I would fill a coca cola bottle up with water so I could take home and use it every morning to wash and brush my teeth with.
Anyway I'm getting really fed up at constantly being picked at,what do I do?

['Abd al-Baari]

:sl:

that is sooo sad :cry:..i don't think i would be able to cope if my own family were treating me like that.

May Allah swt guide them and ease your affairs..Ameen thumma ameen :cry:

[-xRafeenax-]

salam sista thats really sad there must be a reason as to why they are treating you like that.my older brother is sumtimes told to help out financially thats because he is getting paid,but it is vert sad to be told that in your own home.
i hope everything is ok for you inshallah

[Whatsthepoint]

I suggest you have a serious discussion with your mom. Tell her what bothers you, tell her why you feel it is unfair and wrong, tell her what you think should be done and she might change. If things don't improve move to a friend's place or find yourself a job rent an appartment or a room.

Hope things sort out well.:happy:

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[Ali.]

:O I feel so sorry for you! :'(

Yeah, I would do what Whatsthepoint said; have a discussion with your Mum and see if you can sort anything out. Tell her how your feeling and how you've seen nobody else being treated like this before (or have you?) and that you think it's unfair.

I hope changes for the better will occur :D.

[muslim1]

I just type this word to emotionally support you. You must be feeling so bad for this unfair of treatment from the should be closest person to you!

I want you know that life will still have good people without hearts cut from stone!

You have to keep good spirit and have the strength to face life with its good and bad. You have to know that many hearts are close to you even long distances are there!

This site and many other spots in this world are full of kind hearted people that wish to help you in every way they could. Just the feeling is very important.

Try every possible means as Whatsthepoint said, she may treat you as she ought to!

My prayers to you

[islamic]

Salaam, islamically should a daughter have to pay rent to live in my mum house? Reason why I'm asking is I constantly get told to pay my way around the house if I want to have a bath or even to put the heater on. However I am unemployed but when I was working (part-time just on a saturday) I paid £50 on a monthly basis (thats all I could afford). I have money saved away but that is because my mother has told me that she cannot pay for my wedding therefore I will have to make my own arrangements despite my mum spending horrificly on her sons just to please them. Not so long ago is gave my older brother £13,000 to buy a new car and nearly every week my younger brother demands either the latest gadgets/clothing which he gets. My mum and my sister have a tendency to open my mail so they know I have money stored away which is why they demand I pay for bills rent etc. Once the situation got so out of hand that I was told to have a bath elsewhere and not to use any appliances. So for about 3 months I had my bath/shower down my mates house, I would fill a coca cola bottle up with water so I could take home and use it every morning to wash and brush my teeth with.
Anyway I'm getting really fed up at constantly being picked at,what do I do?

hm !! common some good muslim brother to contact this sister and marry her! anyone? please, get her married so she would not have to pay to her mother for BATH!!!
c.c.c. SubahanAllah ....

[islamic]

:hmm: no bro, no...you've lost the plot completely, this site isn't for matrimonial purposes. Sheesh...that sounds kinda...lol

well common brother, I know that this site is not for that purpose BUT the sister got a problem and I think this is the only way for her to solve the problem. I think this web site is that .. to give advice of solving the problem .. and in some way to solve the problem .
Anyone to help her financial??? to send her some money that she could pay to her OWN MOTHER (hmmm) so she could allow her to take a bath !
common MOM !! she is a girl, you should protect her, your sons should protect her .. how could you ask money from her??? common MOM ... are you MOTHER or what?
sorry brothers and sisters for this kind of post BUT i am really angry!!!

[Woodrow]

I am curious why a parent would even have to ask any child to pay rent. It seems the child should desire to help if they have the ability too.

[islamic]

I am curious why a parent would even have to ask any child to pay rent. It seems the child should desire to help if they have the ability too.

well brother, if the child work, the child would not be crazy to not help in the family with money!!! right? yes sure, I would help with money in my family because those are my money and that is MY FAMILY.
in this case, it's about HER DAUGHTER ...
If i was in that house, i would pay rent to stay there because I would not be a daughter or a son.
Hm, there are many muslims family that take muslims at their houses for NOTHING, why? because they are muslims!
this is too much, big problem.

[salam786]

I think the main cause for my mum to react the way she does is because I have maintained a relationship with my older sister who has left home on her own accord and my mom wants me to cut ties of with her but I am not willing to do that because after all she is my blood relative. Also as my mum suffer from severe ocd, its impossible for anyone to enter the house(so as far as someone coming to my house to ask for my hand, well that thought out the window) as psychological she will feel though the house needs thorough cleaning again. It has been years with me putting up with this kind of absurd behaviour but like some days today constantly putting me down as I don't pay my way aroung is just getting to me. I did want to leave home at one point but I never want my mother curse so I decided to stay. I've thought deeply about how I can help matters get better but nothing springs to mind, even if I was to discuss the way I feel with my mum she thinks I answer back to her and mock her which is why I don't want her to feel that I'm disobeying her and yet again don't want my mum to hold or bear any grudges against me as I know she has a tendency to curse so I sit there on most days just listening to it without saying anything, then I would go up into my room and think where have I gone wrong

[جوري]

I find this situation disheartening, I don't want to create a rift between you and your mother.
You should be taken care of, but if your mom were poor and you wanted to help out, out of your own accord then that is nice of you but not your obligation.
She should have thought of what it means to have a child before she consented to having you.

I'd like for you to find some immediate solutions that will cover you short term until things are easier for you insha'Allah

1- can you find a social worker or someone to talk to about your problems?
2- if you can find more hours for work, I suggest you move out all together and find some female Muslim roomate who will share rent with you, until you finish school
3-if you must stay with your mother, try alternate routes to using heat so she doesn't charge you. For instance try using a hot water bottle instead of the heater.
I use a hot water bottle during the winter because the heater makes me very sick as well gives me nose bleeds even with a humidifier.a water bottle is very effective without all the harmful side affects of artificially heated air.
4- can you find some family member who will intercede on your behalf or at least houses you if the other routes aren't feasible?
5-I don't know what your culture is? but in Islam a man is to pay a dowery not the woman, thus you can use that money to prepare yourself for marriage.
it is a personal opinion I share of course but I really don't think every young lady needs a massive wedding.
It is like a cacophony of fogies who will eat your food, mock you and find some way to be ungracious.

Think it is about time you had a talk with your mother and asked her, if she doesn't have care or respect for you as a daughter, then perhaps she should as if toward a fellow human being..

I am sorry for your troubles dear sis..

Allah khyra almost3an, khyra 7afe'than wa khyer wakeel.

:w:

Addendum: I think your mom needs psychiatric attention. OCD is a mental disorder not a desire,there are medications to help alleviate the impulses of her condition!

[snakelegs]

i do not think you have gone wrong - i think your mother needs help.
also, i think as soon as you can possibly manage it, you should move out on your own.
in the meanwhile, i think if your mother would listen to an imam or a social worker, it might be good to seek outside help.
i wish you the best - sounds like your life is pretty horrible.

[salam786]

No outsider can intervene as whoever does come to the house is either spoken to through the letterbox or they open a window to talk, most times they don't open the door to anyone.As far as a relative intervening or talking to my mum I think that off the agenda as well as since my father passed away nine years ago no-one from his side has maintained a relationship with us and my mother side of the family are all abroad. I keep quiet as over the years I have found silence is the golden key, also I once was told a story about how the prophet ordered someone to be burnt to death despite being the person being so pious as the mother of the person was not able to forgive him but soon did after she found out what was going to happen to her son, therefore as the saying goes there is jannat beneath a mother feet, I wouldn't want to leave home and find that the doors of heaven are closed for me as my mother will not forgive me.

[Intisar]

:sl: Subhanallah that is so sad. Ameen to Abdullah's du'ah. Why would your mother and sister treat you in such a horrible way? May Allah ease your affairs, ameen (truly Allah is the best disposer of affairs!). As for what you should do, like Whatsthepoint said, speak to your mother about this and remain calm. I know it seems hard to keep your sabr in such a tough situation, but inshaa'Allah if you keep your calm and you remain steadfast in the deen Allah will make it easy for you. If they do not comply or listen to your pleas, then I would bring a sheikh/scholar to have a chat with your mother.

Inshaa'Allah everything turns out for the best. :cry:

[NoName55]

No outsider can intervene as whoever does come to the house is either spoken to through the letterbox or they open a window to talk, most times they don't open the door to anyone.As far as a relative intervening or talking to my mum I think that off the agenda as well as since my father passed away nine years ago no-one from his side has maintained a relationship with us and my mother side of the family are all abroad. I keep quiet as over the years I have found silence is the golden key, also I once was told a story about how the prophet ordered someone to be burnt to death despite being the person being so pious as the mother of the person was not able to forgive him but soon did after she found out what was going to happen to her son, therefore as the saying goes there is jannat beneath a mother feet, I wouldn't want to leave home and find that the doors of heaven are closed for me as my mother will not forgive me.

Please do not say anything About any Prophet without giving reference. thank you

[جوري]

No outsider can intervene as whoever does come to the house is either spoken to through the letterbox or they open a window to talk, most times they don't open the door to anyone.As far as a relative intervening or talking to my mum I think that off the agenda as well as since my father passed away nine years ago no-one from his side has maintained a relationship with us and my mother side of the family are all abroad. I keep quiet as over the years I have found silence is the golden key, also I once was told a story about how the prophet ordered someone to be burnt to death despite being the person being so pious as the mother of the person was not able to forgive him but soon did after she found out what was going to happen to her son, therefore as the saying goes there is jannat beneath a mother feet, I wouldn't want to leave home and find that the doors of heaven are closed for me as my mother will not forgive me.

:sl:
dear sis.. I believe the story goes..Some pious man was on his death bed, and as they were asking him to say asha'hada he couldn't mouth it out, they kept at it, until they found out that his mother was upset with him, over something trivial, but they sought her out and she forgave him, after which he was able to mouth off ash'ahada and pass on in peace. I don't believe the prophet sala Allah 3lyhi waslaam would order the burning of someone for having a rift with his/her mother. and Allah knows best!

I also realize that your mom has some psychological illness, that you may deem a personal trait but it ISN'T, until she gets the help she needs and probably deserves, you'll be looking at this same situation for some time to come. I pray that she gets the help she needs so you can both get on with your lives..

:w:

[NoName55]

Had this thread been posted in advice forum, I would have been the first to reply to it, anonymously of course.

since it is not, I waited and consulted with another brother and we are of the opinion that all we can see is that a helpless widow is desperately trying to keep her family together and is trying to teach them self-reliance

:(

[Al_Imaan]

May Allah make it easier for you...It really hurts my heart to hear stories like that. Some people flip when they're asked to clean their rooms...May Allah give us all the sabr, ameen.

:sl:


I'm really sorry to hear all that ur going through...^^I feel the same way. Ameen to the dua's, and May Allah always be with you. srry that i can't give advice, if i knew how to give good advice, I would be able to help myself out in hardships...:uuh:

[جوري]

Had this thread been posted in advice forum, I would have been the first to reply to it, anonymously of course.

since it is not, I waited and consulted with another brother and we are of the opinion that all we can see is that a helpless widow is desperately trying to keep her family together and is trying to teach them self-reliance

:(

:sl:
The problem indeed with such threads is that we only getting one side of the story, and it may be very true as seen through the eyes of this young lady, her mother undoubtedly views this from a completely different angle..
Whatever the case I really think some counseling is in order for both of them together and separately, if the mother is going through depression or depression linked to OCD as they are often a co-occurrence, that she gets the help she needs insha'Allah. There was a time when the whole Muslim community would reach out to one another, now families have cut ties from their own kin and as I seem to notice, even more during time of need...
What a sad condition our world is in..
Sob7an Allah

:w:

[NoName55]

May Allah make it easier for you...It really hurts my heart to hear stories like that. Some people flip when they're asked to clean their rooms...May Allah give us all the sabr, ameen.

I'm really sorry to hear all that ur going through...^^I feel the same way. Ameen to the dua's, and May Allah always be with you. srry that i can't give advice, if i knew how to give good advice, I would be able to help myself out in hardships...

How about someone saying a prayer for the poor widow? Asking Allah ta'ala to help her cope with the tripple whammy of trials He is testing her with?

[NoName55]

:sl:
The problem indeed with such threads is that we only getting one side of the story, and it may be very true as seen through the eyes of this young lady, her mother undoubtedly views this from a completely different angle..
Whatever the case I really think some counseling is in order for both of them together and separately, if the mother is going through depression or depression linked to OCD as they are often a co-occurrence, that she gets the help she needs insha'Allah. There was a time when the whole Muslim community would reach out to one another, now families have cut ties from their own kin and as I seem to notice, even more during time of need...
What a sad condition our world is in..
Sob7an Allah

:w:

Jazak illah Khairan wa salam alaikum

[snakelegs]

:sl:
The problem indeed with such threads is that we only getting one side of the story, and it may be very true as seen through the eyes of this young lady, her mother undoubtedly views this from a completely different angle..
Whatever the case I really think some counseling is in order for both of them together and separately, if the mother is going through depression or depression linked to OCD as they are often a co-occurrence, that she gets the help she needs insha'Allah. There was a time when the whole Muslim community would reach out to one another, now families have cut ties from their own kin and as I seem to notice, even more during time of need...
What a sad condition our world is in..
Sob7an Allah

:w:

this is true. noname's suggestion - to pray for the mother - is good too.

[Malaikah]

since it is not, I waited and consulted with another brother and we are of the opinion that all we can see is that a helpless widow is desperately trying to keep her family together and is trying to teach them self-reliance

That might be true- but why is she picking only on the daughter and not her sons and other daughter? According to the first post, they get everything they want, even a car, whereas she has to pay even for her water.

To the original poster, you are worried about how leaving the house might upset your mum and she might curse you. I think you should go speak to a shaykh, because you are not he one oppressing your mum, she is the one oppressing you. Speak to a shaykh, tell him everything you told us and see what he says. I might be that your mother cursing you for something out of your control is invalid (but I don't know, so check with a shaykh inshaallah).

[NoName55]

That might be true- but why is she picking only on the daughter and not her sons and other daughter? According to the first post, they get everything they want, even a car, whereas she has to pay even for her water.

:sl:

for that we need mother to tell us her side, for that reason Sr. Ambrosia suggests counselling.

and we saw distortions of stories about Prophet P.B.U.H. If his views can be spun what is a mere widow?

[jouju]

Assalamu alyku sista in islaam

REmember its jus a trial from Allah...pls hav sabr tho i know its tough

Have a talk wit your mum and sister/bros tell them how u really feel it myt help
Change ur passwords ur after all entitled to some privacy...Try get a job to support urself
i know how it feels wen ur family is against u...its baaad!!! but REM ur Lord is still wt you jus pray to him for help
In a hadith of d prophet we were told that Allah loves wen his subjects ask him and He cant return u empty handed
Am praying dat Allah eases d burdens for you but b strong.

[jouju]

Do rem d story abt Aisha RA d wife of d prophet

An Ayah eventually came down to cleanse her
Even the prophet himself had trials...and he is most loved to Allah, he was nearly killed , persecuted..Rem wen he was stoned in taif?
First he was born an orphan, den his family were against his preachin....he lost all his sons wen they were still young, a tym came wen he din receive wahy fooor sssooooo long..d list goes on

Allah has to giv us trials pls be strong, Tawakkalii ol wil b great inshallah

[jouju]

purest ambrosia, its amust for you to look after ur parents wen dey age..will try get d daliil 4 u

[جوري]

Dear joujou. I don't need a daleel to know to take care of ones' parents as they age. simply read the Quran and you'll find it

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُواْ إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيمًا {23}

[Yusufali 17:23] Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour.
[Pickthal 17:23] Thy Lord hath decreed, that ye worship none save Him, and (that ye show) kindness to parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age with thee, say not "Fie" unto them nor repulse them, but speak unto them a gracious word.

وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا {24}

[Yusufali 17:24] And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood."
[Pickthal 17:24] And lower unto them the wing of submission through mercy, and say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both as they did care for me when I was little.

perhaps that will make your search easier for you? but I am not sure I am the one you need to be addressing it to!

Jazaka Allah khyran

:w:

[islamic]

I think the main cause for my mum to react the way she does is because I have maintained a relationship with my older sister who has left home on her own accord and my mom wants me to cut ties of with her but I am not willing to do that because after all she is my blood relative.

try to tell your mother that according to Islam, cutting ties with family members is not good thing. And as I can see , your mother is not in good health condition so ... if you work, PAY her some money, her health is damaged. I though she is OK but in that condition, don't make situation worse for her, she has her health problems so you can RELAX the situation. After all, she is your mother.

[NoName55]

try to tell your mother that according to Islam, cutting ties with family members is not good thing. And as I can see , your mother is not in good health condition so ... if you work, PAY her some money, her health is damaged. I though she is OK but in that condition, don't make situation worse for her, she has her health problems so you can RELAX the situation. After all, she is your mother.

tell your mother that according to Islam, cutting ties with family members is not good thing.

1)what If a family member elopes with a Non-mahram?
2)Is a parent permitted to disown a disobedient child of low character?
3)Should a parent worry about remaining children catching the same disease as the one, parent severed ties with?

:w:

[islamic]

1)what If a family member elopes with a Non-mahram?
2)Is a parent permitted to disown a disobedient child of low character?
3)Should a parent worry about remaining children catching the same disease as the one, parent severed ties with?

:w:

I don't know brother. You should ask an Expert about that. I know that we in general should keep together, we should not cut ties in family, but normally for specific conditions there are specific conditions.
:w:

[NoName55]

^^ Jazaka Allahah khair wa salam alaikum

[salam786]

Can someone with expert islamic knowledge please answer the above answered questions as it is something that I often wonder about

[salam786]

Can someone with expert islamic knowledge please answer the above answered questions as it is something that I often wonder about

Sorry meant to say "above asked questions"

[جوري]

I think Br. Noname posed the questions in a rhetorical sense... I mean I don't believe you need a scholar to know the answer to those?

Allah knows best

:w:

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:



may Allah help u , sis.

It's common in Indo-Pak sub continent that parents spend more money on sons . Reason is so that in future when they will earn , they will take care of parents . Normally parents don't expect that girls will spend for them .

anyway sis , u may discuss the matter with mom ..take help of ur aunt , uncle , grandparents ( if they are alive )

Ever thought why mom is so hard on u when she is so kind to her other kids ? Evaluate ur past behaviour with her .....u hurt her feelings badly ???


Keep praying , ask help from Allah. InshaAllah , everything will be ok :)

[ashley66]

Assalamualaikum dear sister,
My heart goes out to you. My du'a is for Allah to give you patience and reward you for your suffering and your consideration to your mother. Sabr and solat. I hope Allah will soon make your mom well and treat you and yr other sibling equally. For all we know, maybe she didn't meant to hurt your feeling but she couldn't help it due to her condition. She needs help medical and couselling but if that is difficult, the best is dua'.

[ummzayd]

:sl:

It's true that we usually only see one side of the story here on the advice and support board. But I think it's reasonable to respond to the side we have heard and not have suspicions that there is any deception going on. And on the basis of what we have been told, the girl is on the receiving end of some unIslamic behaviour.

I do feel sorry for the mother on the basis that she is a widow with children (almost all of them fully grown). However if what her daughter says here is correct then she clearly has some psychological problems, and I pray that Allah ta'ala will help her and give her ease ameen. We can't overlook the fact that this puts a strain on other family members, and they also deserve our sympathy and support, and prayers.

(I have to admit that my own personal circumstances might bias me a bit here - as growing up with a mother with severe mental problems blighted my childhood as well as my teenage years and twenties).

I know that in some cultures it is the custom to always blame the children for everything and excuse the parent all kinds of behaviour, but remember that in Islam everyone has rights, parents have a right on us and deserve our utmost respect and kindness, but children also have rights due to them from parents.

One thing that struck me from this girl's post was how she felt driven away from washing at her own home to take baths and showers in the house of a friend. I do feel it is a daughter's right to have her dignity and honour protected; perhaps by the mother nagging and complaining about the expense of washing she felt driven to go to a stranger's (comparative) house, which was wrong of the mother (if correctly reported here). It is important to acknowledge where rights have not been given, even though they are the rights of offspring. Otherwise we are opening the way for our young people to feel resentful and even bitter, and drive them away from our homes and from Islam, nauthubillah. chidren sometimes have a very keen sens of justice, especially where their own rights are concerned - and why not?

I have just been reading about how Surah Yusuf deals with the consequences of favouritism within a family and the hatred, rancour and conspiracies that can occur when parents deal unequally with their children. And there is a hadith of the prophet pbuh (I will try to find the ref) which states that he (pbuh) did not allow a man to give a garden to one of his children, unless he gave a gift of equal value to the other. It is very hurtful and damaging when a child feels unloved or loved less than a sibling.

Being prone to cursing people, even one's own children, is not an admirable or Islamic trait but I see it happening a lot. Perhaps because the one on whose head is heaped curses or who puts up with verbal abuse for fear of being cursed, will one day get their own back by cursing their own children. I believe the cult of the vicious mother-in-law is perpetuated in the same way. As the mother of 3 sons, I seek refuge in Allah swt from that fate.

Whatever the ins and outs or rights and wrongs of this particular situation, I ask Allah Most Merciful to increase the love and understanding between all this family's members, and to give us all sabr to cope with our families ameen.

:w: