PDA

View Full Version : is this shallow



Ummu Sufyaan
11-21-2007, 04:52 AM
:sl:
lets say that someone is interested in getting married and they find the potential spouse, but when they go to meet them, they find them completely unattractive. do you think that this is a legitimate excuse not to marry them. i mean, especially for a sister, as she cant marry more than one at a time. is this okay, islamically?
and please dont say that no matter what one looks like, their religion is the most important and you shouldn't marry one for their looks. yes, ones iman is very important in a marriage, but so is someones looks.
:sl:
Reply

Login/Register to hide ads. Scroll down for more posts
Nicro
11-21-2007, 04:59 AM
If you dont like him you dont like him
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
11-21-2007, 05:00 AM
:sl:
yeah, but should one turn away the other, merely because of thier unattractive looks.
:sl:
Reply

syilla
11-21-2007, 05:07 AM
:salamext:

i'm sure its okay islamically.


On the authority of Hadhrat Abu Huraira رضي الله عنه the Prophet صلي الله عليه و سلم has said:

تنكح المرأه لأربع لمالها و لحسبها و جمالها و لدينها فاظفر بذات الدين تربت يداك

“A woman is married for four reasons:

for her wealth, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so
try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed.”

[Saheeh al-Bukhari: Book 62, Hadith: 5090]

However, as mentioned in the question, it is usually very simple to recognise a person for their wealth, status and beauty; they all are very apparent. But how does one recognise a religious person; that one quality which we are asked to choose over all others.

There are many ways in which one can ‘try’ to determine the piety of a person and to ascertain whether he is ‘religious’.

However, before doing so, it is important to understand what ‘religious’ is and what it refers to.

Many people have the misconception that a religious person is he who has knowledge; one who talks about religion, someone who merely portrays religion or that person who offers his prayers and supplications. However, this is far from the truth.

Once a disciple of Hadhrat Ashraf Ali Thanvi came to him to ask of his advice regarding two proposals he had received for his daughter; one being from a clean shaven, not religious but at the same time very respectful and obedient man, whilst the second being ‘apparently religious’ but very disobedient, unfriendly and disrespectful. Who should the daughter be given in marriage to? Hadhrat Ashraf Ali Thanvi replied instantly that the person who was respectful should be given the daughter.

The lesson given here is that it is easier to teach a ‘human’ the religion of Islam, but it is a much more difficult matter to make a person in to a ‘human’. The person who was ‘apparently religious’ was in reality far from religion; his actions were contrary to the teachings of Islam. Whilst the person who was clean shaven was in actual fact closer to religion due to his behaviour and manners and for that person to become inclined towards religions is far easier and likely.

Therefore, apparently being religious is not the sign of being religious and one should never mistake a person from their appearance, in fact not even entirely through their acts of worship.


This principle is well taught to us by Hadhrat Umar رضي الله عنه when once a witness went to depose before him. Hadhrat Umar رضي الله عنه said bring to me one who knows you. When he brought a person to him, the man began to praise his character. Hadhrat Umar رضي الله عنه asked him: Is he your closest neighbour? He said: No. He then asked him: Were you his companion in a journey? He said: No. Hadhrat Umar رضي الله عنه then asked him: Did you carry on business with him? He said: No. Hadhrat Umar رضي الله عنه finally said: So, you don’t know him. He then said to the man: Go, take one who knows you.


This clearly shows that a person cannot be thought to be religious by just seeing his appearance or his apparent act of worship because being religious is far more than that. Hadhrat Umar رضي الله عنه explained that it is necessary to be a person’s neighbour, to have travelled with him or to have done some business dealings with him in order to really be aware of his true character for these are the affairs and matters that bring out the true colour of a person.

This leaves us with one final question, ‘how are we supposed to look for a religious person or what do you look for in a spouse to conclude or ascertain that they are from what the Prophet صلي الله عليه و سلم classed as بذات الدين.

Insha Allah this question will be answered when that topic comes into discussion and further explanation will be given on this matter.

May Allah give us all the zeal and eagerness to choose those who are ‘religious’ and may He give us the understanding and knowledge to differentiate between those who are religious in its true sense as apposed to those who appear to be religious. Aameen.
source

We can't judge another on the way they choose their spouse but it does saddening when people especially guys choosing beauty rather than religion. Its a pity when an educated man wants to marry an actress or a singer.

But i'm sure, the true muslimah is protected by Allah swt. I'm sure they easily can find a suitable partner.

Because i remember during my u's. My religous friends are usually are the ones who married earlier. And they don't have to do much (making themselves pretty, friendly or etc).


p/s:- and if i have a daughter, i asked her to choose a man that has a great manners. :)
Reply

Welcome, Guest!
Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up
IbnAbdulHakim
11-21-2007, 11:19 AM
Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullaah

Imam ash-shafiee rahimahullah advised us that when finding a spouse we first check to see that we are satisfied with the looks, if that is satisfactory then we can look further, but if it is unsatisfying then even if the others are satisfying this may hold us back.

I got this from yasir qadhi's fiqh of marriage series...

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
11-21-2007, 11:21 AM
:sl:
hmmm....interesting. i had no idea. good point though, and it makes sense.
:sl:
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
11-21-2007, 11:22 AM
there is another extremely authentic hadith that once a sahabi approached our nabi sallallahi alaihi wasallaam telling of his intention to wed and informing him that he has found a wife. Upon finding out about this our Nabi sallallahi alaihi wasallaam asked him "have you seen her?", "No" replied the sahabi, so he was advised to see her and find an inclination to marry her.


i'll post up the hadith when i find it inshaAllaah


assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
11-21-2007, 11:25 AM
:sl:
jazakallahu khair, brother.
:sl:
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
11-21-2007, 11:28 AM
i am 250% sure of the one i have spoken of but i cant find the quote at this time, however i have found this from sunan abi dawud:

Book 11, Number 2077:
Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah:

The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. He (Jabir) said: I asked a girl in marriage, I used to look at her secretly, until I looked at what induced me to marry her. I, therefore, married her.


also i have found from sahihul bukhari

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 58:
Narrated Sahl bin Sad:

A woman came to Allah's Apostle and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have come to you to present myself to you (for marriage)." Allah's Apostle glanced at her. He looked at her carefully and fixed his glance on her and then lowered his head. When the lady saw that he did not say anything, she sat down. A man from his companions got up and said, "O Allah's Apostle! If you are not in need of her, then marry her to me." The Prophet said, "Have you got anything to offer." The man said, 'No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet said (to him), "Go to your family and try to find something." So the man went and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle! I have not found anything." The Prophet said, "Go again and look for something, even if it were an iron ring." He went and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle! I could not find even an iron ring, but this is my Izar (waist sheet).' He had no Rida (upper garment). He added, "I give half of it to her." Allah's Apostle said "What will she do with your Izar? If you wear it, she will have nothing over herself thereof (will be naked); and if she wears it, then you will have nothing over yourself thereof ' So the man sat for a long period and then got up (to leave). When Allah's Apostle saw him leaving, he ordered that he e called back. When he came, the Prophet asked (him), "How much of the Qur'an do you know (by heart)?" The man replied, I know such Sura and such Sura and such Sura," naming the suras. The Prophet said, "Can you recite it by heart?" He said, 'Yes." The Prophet said, "Go I let you marry her for what you know of the Quran (as her Mahr).


from these we can deduce that appearance is indeed important, And Allah knows best


Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Reply

Al-Zaara
11-21-2007, 11:44 AM
Selam aleykum,

Very good posts brother IbnAbdulHakim and sister syilla.

Don't forget maryam11, that marriage contains sexuality and intimacy. Also, it's something you do to avoid fitnah and zinah! How you get into zinah? Through attraction and lust! If you don't find your spouse attractive etc then subhanAllah, you might find some other man that you do find attractive or he might find another woman whom he finds attractive... Argh, you know the story. Heartbreaks, unfaithfullness, divorce...

It's the face you're gonna see first thing in the morning. (most cases) You don't wanna wish to flee or that the ground swallowed you... Right? :skeleton:

Also, if you marry and you're really not happy about his/her looks, you're not hurting only yourself, but him/her too. So better to say no in a nice way, and remind oneself this is not only for you, but also better for him. of course, you might be wrong in thinking you're not attracted; Sometimes it takes time.
Reply

~Taalibah~
11-21-2007, 12:55 PM
I agree with the above. If he's not found attractive, you dont like him, you dont have to marry him.
Reply

------
11-21-2007, 01:09 PM
:salamext:

Some good advice sis Zaara and bro IbnAbdulHakim :D Mashaa Allaah
Reply

Jayda
11-21-2007, 01:48 PM
Originally Posted by maryam11
:sl:
lets say that someone is interested in getting married and they find the potential spouse, but when they go to meet them, they find them completely unattractive. do you think that this is a legitimate excuse not to marry them. i mean, especially for a sister, as she cant marry more than one at a time. is this okay, islamically?
and please dont say that no matter what one looks like, their religion is the most important and you shouldn't marry one for their looks. yes, ones iman is very important in a marriage, but so is someones looks.
:sl:
hola,

obviously i can't give you an islamic answer but i think looks are a reasonable criteria in finding a suitable partner, so long as it is not the sole or most important thing. it is not always an issue of vanity, there are (objectively) very good looking people in the world that a woman simply is not attracted to in that sense. perhaps he is simply not the right fit for you.

you should always respect a person for their character or piety but respect does not mean that you are compelled to marry.

but if your religion tells you that it would be wrong to reject a pious man because of his looks or other qualities and you cannot bring yourself to accept those circumstances at this time then perhaps you should talk to your parents and explore the possibility you are not yet mature enough for marriage. entering marriage when you are not ready is not wise...

que Dios te bendiga
Reply

YusufNoor
11-21-2007, 01:54 PM
Originally Posted by maryam11
:sl:
lets say that someone is interested in getting married and they find the potential spouse, but when they go to meet them, they find them completely unattractive. do you think that this is a legitimate excuse not to marry them. i mean, especially for a sister, as she cant marry more than one at a time. is this okay, islamically?
and please dont say that no matter what one looks like, their religion is the most important and you shouldn't marry one for their looks. yes, ones iman is very important in a marriage, but so is someones looks.
:sl:
:sl:

there's a hadeeth, i'm sure that someone will find in which and already married woman came to the Rasulullah Sallalahu alahe Wa Salaam and told him that she was married to an outstanding Muslim man, BUT she didn't find him attractive in the least and that she feared that if she stayed married to himthat she feared for her religion. the Rasulullah Sallalahu alahe Wa Salaam asked if she still had her dowry, to which she replied yes. He told her to give it back and they were divorced just like that.

methinks that THIS is the one from Bukhari:

Volume 7, Book 63, Number 197:
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:

The wife of Thabit bin Qais came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him)." On that Allah's Apostle said (to her), "Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr)?" She said, "Yes." Then the Prophet said to Thabit, "O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Volume 7, Book 63, Number 198:
Narrated 'Ikrima:

The sister of 'Abdullah bin Ubai narrated (the above narration, 197) with the addition that the Prophet said to Thabit's wife, "Will you return his garden?" She said, "Yes," and returned it, and (then) the Prophet ordered Thabit to divorce her. Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The wife of Thabit bin Qais came to Allah's Apostle and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I do not blame Thabit for any defects in his character or his religion, but I cannot endure to live with him." On that Allah's Apostle said, "Will you return his garden to him?" She said, "Yes."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Volume 7, Book 63, Number 199:
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:

The wife of Thabit bin Qais bin Shammas came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I do not blame Thabit for any defects in his character or his religion, but I am afraid that I (being a Muslim) may become unthankful for Allah's Blessings." On that, Allah's Apostle said (to her), 'Will you return his garden to him?" She said, "Yes." So she returned his garden to him and the Prophet told him to divorce her.

:w:
Reply

Admin
11-21-2007, 04:23 PM
Rejecting a suitable proposal is not from what is good and right. In fact, it has been narrated that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,

"If one whose religion and character pleases you proposes to you, you should marry him. If you do not do so, there will be tribulations in the land and great evil."

No mention of good looks there :playing:
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
11-21-2007, 04:34 PM
Originally Posted by Admin
Rejecting a suitable proposal is not from what is good and right. In fact, it has been narrated that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,

"If one whose religion and character pleases you proposes to you, you should marry him. If you do not do so, there will be tribulations in the land and great evil."

No mention of good looks there :playing:
bro you took that out of context,


"If o*ne whose religion and character pleases you proposes to you, then marry (your daughters to) him. If you do not do so, it will be a cause of trial (fitnah and great corruption) in the land"
[At-Tirmidhi no. 1084]
this is for those couples who are perfect for each other, like each other, both are religious and their parents prevent them for a reason which is not justified islamically.

Do not prevent your brother/sister/daughter/son/cousin or anyone from marrying someone who meets the conditions of being a good spouse.

I hope thats clear now inshaAllah


Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Reply

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

IslamicBoard

Experience a richer experience on our mobile app!