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Thread: Am I evil?

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    Am I evil? (OP)




    I am making this thread cuz I really feel like I am evil, and no I am not attention seeking.

    Firstly let me give a bit of background:

    Before I was a practicing Muslim, I was a calm shy person with decent manners. I was patient, but I could become annoyed easily. Allah SWT saved me from various sins, and showered me with mercy. I started praying and becoming pracitcing, not knowing much of Islam, but only that it enjoins good and forbids evil.

    So before practicing Islam, there was this kafir who always bullied / mocked me. I got angry once and hit him once, I hit my one of my relatives. It made me guilty, and I cried, I cry very easily sometimes.

    So now when I practiced Islam I always thought good etc. And then, Allah SWT tested me once again with this kafir, and I didn't hurt him, I was very patient etc. and he continued, so I called my teacher and told her how it was, etc. So we established a meeting where she reprimanded this kafir (she is herself a kafir) but she was kind, etc. So I thought, he did much wrong to me, he hit me, and stuff. So I thought of what The Prophet SAW would do, without knowing much except that he SAW was moral.

    So I thought " I know this is hard, I hate what he did, but I'll choose to forgive him" as to follow the Prophet Muhammad SAW's example.

    I could demand justice, but rather I forgave, I became guilty of all the bad I've done, etc. and repented to Allah SWT. Without demanding anything from anyone for the hurt they've done to me.

    So it went good, and I thought to not hate others, it never passed my mind to do so, as Allah SWT knows best their state, etc.

    Now, 1 year ahead, and I learnt more about Islam, I felt myself becoming more regular with prayers. But one thing seemed to happen.. my good character seemed to fade, the more knowledge I got, the more confused I became, I began to doubt myself, Islam, etc.

    I read the Quran and I liked it.. And then I chatted with someone and they told me a harsh Islam, etc. I couldn't take this harsh harsh Islam, so I ignored the thoughts, but they built, and I tried to stay good, but the doubts came.

    And then the verses stuck with me, the verses that makes me feel harsh, rude, and stuff like that. I began to dislike my character.

    So I did a self-analysis on myself and asked myself "would you convert to Islam if serinity did dawah to you?" the reply was "no". and this is confirmed by my brother who says:

    "you do not represent Islam very well, looking at you, I wouldn't even want to start."

    So I thought "why do people even come to Islam, what attracts them? What attracted me?" the reply was "good character".

    So what do I do wrong?? I know, I am harsh, rude, self-righteous, bigoted, hateful, etc. I knew I was wrong.. But The ayats kept me from becoming good, although I knew that The Quran says the Prophet Muhammad SAW is the best of creation with high esteemed character.

    I know Islam says to repel evil with good, and I did, but then verses came, and I indulged myself in issues of Jihad, Al wala wal bara..

    And I started to think "does becoming righteous mean becoming isolated, hateful, and unapproachable?" I know I was wrong.. But I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head..

    So I started to think "I rather be moral, and be a sinner, than be righteous and harsh." It hurt me, to think like this, but no matter what, the verses kept coming to me, although there are verses speaking of good and to be good, so I thought it is out of context..

    So I started to be good again, but whenever I tried to intent good, the verses came to me, and it made me guilty, and I felt imprisoned..

    I feel self-righteous, bigoted, hateful, imprisoned etc. I kept saying "I know I am interpreting Islam wrong, for how come people find it beautiful and not me?!"

    I couldn't see the mercy, peace, and serenity in Islam anymore. But I know Allah SWT is Merciful, The source of all Peace, etc. But something made me think Islam is a cult-like religion. Be harsh to kuffar, be merciful to the muslims..

    But I know I am wrong, cause this is all out of context..

    So I ask, what do I do? How do I escape this cycle of trying to become good, but being smashed down because of this? It pains me.

    This is painful, and I know I am getting something wrong - but I can't seem to puzzle this together.

    I try to be wise and moral, and use my logic, but whenever I do, The ayats come and I get stuck! I thought of blaming Islam - But I know this is wrong.

    So I blamed myself - but this feels like cutting and stabbing my own heart.

    I really don't want to give up, so how do I puzzle this together? I want to love Allah SWT, but something is preventing me from loving Him SWT more than I do now.

    And Allah SWT knows best.
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-28-2016 at 05:09 PM.
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    Re: Am I evil?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Umm Abed View Post
    The whole problem is that you have alot of doubts, self-doubts. Dont let this stop you from conveying the message of Islam. You have shown excellent character on here and do continue to do so. Also, you have never been harsh on here, nothing of that sort. Your advices are great masha'allah, and dont stop giving them.

    Just remember, to be a good muslim, continuous self-inspection is needed in order to keep on the straight path. May Allah keep you guided and firm on Iman and give you Jannatul Firdaus ameen!
    I am trying to keep myself firm, but some interpretation of some verses of the Quran is preventing my character growth..

    How silly I am!! It is all in context!

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    I recognize my own hypocrisy right now. I demanded others (in my head) to be moral, etc. yet I didn't see how judgmental and angry and hateful I was..

    I whole-heartedly feel like a hypocrite atm. But In shaa' Allah soon I will be able to do what pleases Allah SWT with love and a want for Allah SWT's pleasure, and not with harshness and stuff.

    I have no good character, I just feel soo bad.
    If you had no good character the. You wouldn't be able to catch your own flaw and be shamed.

    Patience, and hope in GOD.

    Remember the lessons you are learning now and grow from them, by GOD's will and your patient perseverance.

    Peace
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by popsthebuilder View Post
    If you had no good character the. You wouldn't be able to catch your own flaw and be shamed.

    Patience, and hope in GOD.

    Remember the lessons you are learning now and grow from them, by GOD's will and your patient perseverance.

    Peace
    you are right in the character I think. I've just been supressing myself and character growth.

    and I don't like to see myself as righteous or better than others. I don't feel nice like that. I know I am sinful, I know I should improve.

    I don't like to think arrogantly cause I know that is just delusion. If I think to myself "ha, I am a Muslim, pray 5 times a day, righteous, better than those peasants!"

    my own self says that the arrogant prideful, those who look down on others and don't wish for them what one wishes for themselves, guidance from Allah SWT, Al-Islam. Has not understood what it means to be humble and righteous.


    I recognize I am sinful and have flaws, that is better than deluding oneself into thinking he is perfect.

    I have things to improve - and that is good! I know Allah SWT knows and He SWT understands, so I just ask for change. And I know it starts with me, focusing on myself, If Allah SWT wills of course. After all it is Allah SWT that wills everything before anything happens, so indirectly it is Allah SWT that willed it to start, kinda thing.
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-28-2016 at 02:39 PM.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    I am trying to keep myself firm, but some interpretation of some verses of the Quran is preventing my character growth..

    How silly I am!! It is all in context!
    LOL you are driving your ownself crazy, you know the answers to these verses,
    If you have a android phone download this app called "Quran tasfir pro"
    I use it for classes, when you click on verses it gives you the tasfir and context of the verses and explains them.
    You are letting shaytan twist the meanings in your head, which is what happend to me aswell, reading the tasfir, watching lectures on verses helped Alot it cleared up alot of doubts i had.

    Most of the doubts i thought, was exactly what kaffir said/thought about islam i came across this video once and it was over a hour long about the Quran being full of hatred and violence (auhdu billahi minash shaytanir rajeem) using the specific verses you bring up, then i listend to scholars and muftis talk about the exact same verses and it was the complete opposite of the other video, it beautified islam, it made it warm and inviting, BUT it also showed islam to be firm giving rights to defend yourself if necessary, to show peace if the violence stopped.
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    Am I evil?

    Narrated Jubair ibn Mut’im: The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W), said: "He is not one us who calls for `Asabiyah, (nationalism/tribalism) or who fights for `Asabiyah or who dies for `Asabiyah." [Sunan Abu Dawud (Vol. 2, pg. 753) No. 5121]

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B View Post
    LOL you are driving your ownself crazy, you know the answers to these verses,
    If you have a android phone download this app called "Quran tasfir pro"
    I use it for classes, when you click on verses it gives you the tasfir and context of the verses and explains them.
    You are letting shaytan twist the meanings in your head, which is what happend to me aswell, reading the tasfir, watching lectures on verses helped Alot it cleared up alot of doubts i had.

    Most of the doubts i thought, was exactly what kaffir said/thought about islam i came across this video once and it was over a hour long about the Quran being full of hatred and violence (auhdu billahi minash shaytanir rajeem) using the specific verses you bring up, then i listend to scholars and muftis talk about the exact same verses and it was the complete opposite of the other video, it beautified islam, it made it warm and inviting, BUT it also showed islam to be firm giving rights to defend yourself if necessary, to show peace if the violence stopped.
    I am still drawn to hatred.. I dislike it.

    my mind is like auto-referencing to the Quran for every action I am about to do, and I doubt some actions etc. LOL. I know it is wrong.

    But one HUGE step would be to rid all the doubts I have. JazakAllah khayr sis, you are very helpful.

    I've tried to read some tafsir, I perhaps misunderstood the tafsir, but it did not make me more peaceful, it made me more hateful, split and confused.
    And Allah SWT knows best.
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-28-2016 at 03:04 PM.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    I am still drawn to hatred.. I dislike it.

    my mind is like auto-referencing to the Quran for every action I am about to do, and I doubt some actions etc. LOL. I know it is wrong.

    But one HUGE step would be to rid all the doubts I have. JazakAllah khayr sis, you are very helpful.

    I've tried to read some tafsir, I perhaps misunderstood the tafsir, but it did not make me more peaceful, it made me more hateful, split and confused.
    And Allah SWT knows best.
    Barakallahu feek
    What about doing an online tasfir class, or doing tasfir class at a masjid of your choice, that way youd be able to interact and ask the questions you have to clear the doubts,
    when you read tasfir from classical books they are related to those times, and when you do classes they (the teachers) refer to those classical tasfir but also explain how we can apply these to our times now (lessons, how to act, handle situtions, handle people, improve our character, etc etc)

    Surround yourself with good muslims if your able to, so their good character rubs off onto you, try not to be alone all the time as this is when these thoughts manifest and take hold, even if you have just one reliable brother that can help you and advice you that is good.

    Ofcorse its good to auto reference our actions to the Quran, but you have to understand the Quran first to know when certain actions should be applied and when they shouldnt, ie certain situations call for different actions to be done
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    Am I evil?

    Narrated Jubair ibn Mut’im: The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W), said: "He is not one us who calls for `Asabiyah, (nationalism/tribalism) or who fights for `Asabiyah or who dies for `Asabiyah." [Sunan Abu Dawud (Vol. 2, pg. 753) No. 5121]

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    Re: Am I evil?

    I know I am corrupt, I don't see.

    But what I do know is the attributes of Allah SWT, and He SWT only forbids evil and enjoins good. So I will assume the best.

    I am corrupt or perhaps I am not thinking the way I should.. Allahu alam. All I know is Allah SWT loves the doer of good, and He SWT tests you with bad people and good people.

    May Allah SWT grant me and all of us righteous company, ameen.

    Ok, I will try, no more rambling!
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-28-2016 at 03:33 PM.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    I know I am corrupt, I don't see.

    But what I do know is the attributes of Allah SWT, and He SWT only forbids evil and enjoins good. So I will assume the best.

    I am corrupt or perhaps I am not thinking the way I should.. Allahu alam. All I know is Allah SWT loves the doer of good, and He SWT tests you with bad people and good people.

    May Allah SWT grant me and all of us righteous company, ameen.
    Ameen

    Your not corrupt brother, if you was you wouldnt see your mistakes and try to move foward from them and also learn from them.
    Alhamdulilah your on the right path brother, just keep striving to do better and be better, believe in yourself

    Just take this as a test from Allah to better your character and learn more about your deen, take this as a opportunity Allah has given to you to turn back to Allah and ask for help, ask for Allah for guidance, ask Allah to fill your heart with truth, wisdom, love, peace, ask Allah to soften your heart and remove the hatred you feel inside cry to Allah do whatever you feel is needed but fully submit yourself to Allah, fully feel you are nothing without his help, fully feel that you are lost without the guidance of Allah and just beg and plead Allah to help you, in sha Allah the help of Allah will come, you just have to believe the best of Allah and his deen and by the will of Allah He will set your affairs striaght and ease your heart, but only if you ask Allah not us
    Am I evil?

    Narrated Jubair ibn Mut’im: The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W), said: "He is not one us who calls for `Asabiyah, (nationalism/tribalism) or who fights for `Asabiyah or who dies for `Asabiyah." [Sunan Abu Dawud (Vol. 2, pg. 753) No. 5121]

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    Re: Am I evil?

    I just have this feeling, and will ask Allah SWT to fill me with love, compassion, good character, sound wisdom, and guidance, and His SWT love.

    But thing is.

    When I am with muslims, I feel relieved, and I feel no constrictions, I feel more free.

    With kafirs, I know I have to be kind, and merciful, etc. But I feel a harshness in my heart as a gate is closed.. That 'gate' is opened with my muslim bros. I think that is a good thing..

    But I feel very disconnected with kuffar. I can easily talk with them, etc. But I do not connect with them.

    I think it is because I feel Islam prohibits me from liking a kafir as human being. Cause when I was non-practicing I always felt this .

    I like good mannered people, whether kafir or muslim. But there will always be a 'gate' closed .. But yeah.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    I feel it is Islam that makes me like this, before practicing Islam, I was very calm. Now I feel very hateful - I don't like it.
    I think you are BLOWING IT OUT OF PROPORTION. There is absolutely nothing that prevents us from living among the "kafirs". You should also refrain from using that word. It has a very negative connotation, you should use "non-believers ".

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    I just have this feeling, and will ask Allah SWT to fill me with love, compassion, good character, sound wisdom, and guidance, and His SWT love.

    But thing is.

    When I am with muslims, I feel relieved, and I feel no constrictions, I feel more free.

    With kafirs, I know I have to be kind, and merciful, etc. But I feel a harshness in my heart as a gate is closed.. That 'gate' is opened with my muslim bros. I think that is a good thing..

    But I feel very disconnected with kuffar. I can easily talk with them, etc. But I do not connect with them.

    I think it is because I feel Islam prohibits me from liking a kafir as human being. Cause when I was non-practicing I always felt this .

    I like good mannered people, whether kafir or muslim. But there will always be a 'gate' closed .. But yeah.
    Whether you are muslim, jewish, christian, or whatever, you are EQUALLY HUMAN. As long as you walk on this earth and breath the same air around as everyone else, we are all equal. Do not look down on people of different religions. Do not treat people of different religions lesser of that of the same. Do not make them feel as if you see that you are over them.

    You need to get over your stigma of hating the non-believers choice of belief. When I see a person, I first judge them by their morals, and see if I can associate with them without them influencing me in a bad way. Notice how I said I judge them by their morals, not their religion. Why is that? Because your morals define who you are, and to be a true muslim you have to have good morals in place first. However, good morals are present in people of all religions, not exclusive only to muslims. Please keep that in mind when you look at non-believers. Even though they may not be muslim, there are many who are most likely better than you and I many folds, by what they do to improve the world around them. They just haven't really been properly exposed to Islam yet.

    Also, surround yourself by good people. I have 2 Jewish friends, many Christian friends, and one who is a muslim. I feel that in the time of need, all of these friends would open their homes to me. It's the person that counts, then his religion.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    This hatred is just super ingrained in me. May Allah SWT help me. Ameen.

    I feel like I am disobeying Allah SWT without hatred, but that ain't true. I know people of other faiths can have good character.I used to be like you @Helikido

    I never judged by religion, I only judged by the good character they had. Even if some non-believer had Unislamic manners, I knew it was because they didn't know it was haram.

    I loved the good of everyone, kafir or muslim. Now this hatred and stuff and frustration is just ingrained lol.

    I feel like if you just feel a bit of love towards kuffar -->instantly a kafir. If you show affection -->kafir.If you get a crush on a kafir girl -->instant kafir.

    I feel I have to be a human void of all compassion or feelings.

    you can marry the people of the book, but if you love your wife -->kafir. I feel.

    These things are all illogical and oppressive. How can we not show affection, when that is what compassion, kindness, mercy, needs.. Compassion, kindness, etc. Without affection/love. That is just, harsh.
    As if I have to cut away a chunk of my humanity.
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-28-2016 at 05:14 PM.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    This hatred is just super ingrained in me. May Allah SWT help me. Ameen.

    I feel like I am disobeying Allah SWT without hatred, but that ain't true. I know people of other faiths can have good character.I used to be like you @Helikido

    I never judged by religion, I only judged by the good character they had. Even if some non-believer had Unislamic manners, I knew it was because they didn't know it was haram.

    I loved the good of everyone, kafir or muslim. Now this hatred and stuff and frustration is just ingrained lol.

    I feel like if you just feel a bit of love towards kuffar -->instantly a kafir. If you show affection -->kafir.If you get a crush on a kafir girl -->instant kafir.

    I feel I have to be a human void of all compassion or feelings.

    you can marry the people of the book, but if you love your wife -->kafir. I feel.

    These things are all illogical and oppressive. How can we not show affection, when that is what compassion, kindness, mercy, needs.. Compassion, kindness, etc. Without affection/love. That is just, harsh.
    As if I have to cut away a chunk of my humanity.
    One cannot have compassion, mercy, or kindness without empathy. I haven't read anywhere that we are supposed to be cold callous people towards any. And you are right. It is illogical. How can you show mercy toward a others without empathy? How can you feel empathy without knowing of your own pain first?

    How can one be giving if they only want for themselves?

    I understand you are of Islamic Faith and will not tell you to read other books; but I will say that perhaps you need to read yours without preconceived bias.

    You cannot have mercy without compassion.

    Lack of mercy on our part towards all without bias, will be reciprocated back to us in our judgement.

    Peace friend.

    I wish I could be of more help.

    Be thankful to GOD for all things, mostly tests and trials. As with great potential comes great responsibility.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    I will just do good, if I go against the Quran, so be it.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    You are the sum of your deeds, not your thoughts.

    Scimi
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    Am I evil?


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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    I will just do good, if I go against the Quran, so be it.
    Do not worry. You won't be going against the Qur'an.

    Peace
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    Re: Am I evil?

    I will go ask a scholar, and be as good as possible. Atm, I feel defiant, but that is probably because I am not understanding the beautiful verses of The Qur'an.

    I will try to do good, and seek out the good in everyone, think positive, and let the haters hate. I won't be indulging in those games anymore.

    Ma shaa' Allah, I see good in your heart popsthebuilder, may Allah SWT guide you to Islam and attract your heart to Islam. Ameen.

    I am tired of all this hatred, bigotry and prejudice. Not from Islam anyway as it makes me miserable.

    I will see people as human beings and not aliens or satans. I'm just aiding shaytaan by being hateful and bigoted, right?
    I follow what I feel is good. I've been ignoring my soul for too long.

    And Allah SWT knows best.
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-29-2016 at 09:54 PM.

  23. #78
    popsthebuilder's Avatar
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    I will go ask a scholar, and be as good as possible. Atm, I feel defiant, but that is probably because I am not understanding the beautiful verses of The Qur'an.

    I will try to do good, and seek out the good in everyone, think positive, and let the haters hate. I won't be indulging in those games anymore.

    Ma shaa' Allah, I see good in your heart popsthebuilder, may Allah SWT guide you to Islam and attract your heart to Islam. Ameen.

    I am tired of all this hatred, bigotry and prejudice. Not from Islam anyway as it makes me miserable.

    I will see people as human beings and not aliens or satans. I'm just aiding shaytaan by being hateful and bigoted, right?
    I follow what I feel is good. I've been ignoring my soul for too long.

    And Allah SWT knows best.
    Thank you for your kind words.

    Islam is derived from the Arabic root "Salema": peace, purity, submission and obedience. In the religious sense, Islam means submission to the will of God and obedience to His law.

    I strive to find peace as well. Utter submission is something I still fight though I wish not to.

    We are all in this together brother.

    Though I know little to nothing of Islam but what I have read in the Qur'an, and may not be Islamic by the standards of others, I will rest and submit wholly to GOD when it is time. There is no direction or way that can deter the will of GOD. All we do in our attempts is kill ourselves. I may die in my bodies refusal to submit, but my heart is of Islam. GOD knows this.

    With humility; peace, and thank you again.

    I wish you the very best. Amen
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    Re: Am I evil?

    No Serenity, you are not evil. Harsh and a little intolerant sometimes towards kafir like myself, yes, but no, not evil. Not even close. And I would be your friend if you decide to allow it. And I second what popsthebuilder said above. Tune in to your sense of empathy. If you feel it conflicting with what you think is Islam, talk to some other Muslims for guidance... as that may be where you'd be going off the right path.
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  26. #80
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Pygoscelis View Post
    No Serenity, you are not evil. Harsh and a little intolerant sometimes towards kafir like myself, yes, but no, not evil. Not even close. And I would be your friend if you decide to allow it. And I second what popsthebuilder said above. Tune in to your sense of empathy. If you feel it conflicting with what you think is Islam, talk to some other Muslims for guidance... as that may be where you'd be going off the right path.
    I think that the fact that in my sense of empathy I feel conflicted with Islam shows that perhaps what I know to be Islam is not Islam.

    I understand tho hatred and stuff like that only harm the hater. I don't hate you, for what will that bring except strife? I mean I don't like your state, but hating you ain't the answer. Idk you so how can I hate you?

    I do know and understand that my harshness may have been because me not understanding Islam. Actually it was because of some verses.

    I'll be peaceful. But seriously my grandpa was like one of the kindest. Not like I see Islam.

    Allah SWT knows best your hearts, and I am tired of acting self-righteous and prejudiced using one ayat and labelling every kafir ignorantly.

    I think being with good muslims is a good idea. I don't like to act prejudiced and bigoted. May Allah SWT forgive me if I said any wrong. Ameen. And Allah SWT knows best
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-30-2016 at 03:59 AM.


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