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Thread: Am I evil?

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    Am I evil? (OP)




    I am making this thread cuz I really feel like I am evil, and no I am not attention seeking.

    Firstly let me give a bit of background:

    Before I was a practicing Muslim, I was a calm shy person with decent manners. I was patient, but I could become annoyed easily. Allah SWT saved me from various sins, and showered me with mercy. I started praying and becoming pracitcing, not knowing much of Islam, but only that it enjoins good and forbids evil.

    So before practicing Islam, there was this kafir who always bullied / mocked me. I got angry once and hit him once, I hit my one of my relatives. It made me guilty, and I cried, I cry very easily sometimes.

    So now when I practiced Islam I always thought good etc. And then, Allah SWT tested me once again with this kafir, and I didn't hurt him, I was very patient etc. and he continued, so I called my teacher and told her how it was, etc. So we established a meeting where she reprimanded this kafir (she is herself a kafir) but she was kind, etc. So I thought, he did much wrong to me, he hit me, and stuff. So I thought of what The Prophet SAW would do, without knowing much except that he SAW was moral.

    So I thought " I know this is hard, I hate what he did, but I'll choose to forgive him" as to follow the Prophet Muhammad SAW's example.

    I could demand justice, but rather I forgave, I became guilty of all the bad I've done, etc. and repented to Allah SWT. Without demanding anything from anyone for the hurt they've done to me.

    So it went good, and I thought to not hate others, it never passed my mind to do so, as Allah SWT knows best their state, etc.

    Now, 1 year ahead, and I learnt more about Islam, I felt myself becoming more regular with prayers. But one thing seemed to happen.. my good character seemed to fade, the more knowledge I got, the more confused I became, I began to doubt myself, Islam, etc.

    I read the Quran and I liked it.. And then I chatted with someone and they told me a harsh Islam, etc. I couldn't take this harsh harsh Islam, so I ignored the thoughts, but they built, and I tried to stay good, but the doubts came.

    And then the verses stuck with me, the verses that makes me feel harsh, rude, and stuff like that. I began to dislike my character.

    So I did a self-analysis on myself and asked myself "would you convert to Islam if serinity did dawah to you?" the reply was "no". and this is confirmed by my brother who says:

    "you do not represent Islam very well, looking at you, I wouldn't even want to start."

    So I thought "why do people even come to Islam, what attracts them? What attracted me?" the reply was "good character".

    So what do I do wrong?? I know, I am harsh, rude, self-righteous, bigoted, hateful, etc. I knew I was wrong.. But The ayats kept me from becoming good, although I knew that The Quran says the Prophet Muhammad SAW is the best of creation with high esteemed character.

    I know Islam says to repel evil with good, and I did, but then verses came, and I indulged myself in issues of Jihad, Al wala wal bara..

    And I started to think "does becoming righteous mean becoming isolated, hateful, and unapproachable?" I know I was wrong.. But I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head..

    So I started to think "I rather be moral, and be a sinner, than be righteous and harsh." It hurt me, to think like this, but no matter what, the verses kept coming to me, although there are verses speaking of good and to be good, so I thought it is out of context..

    So I started to be good again, but whenever I tried to intent good, the verses came to me, and it made me guilty, and I felt imprisoned..

    I feel self-righteous, bigoted, hateful, imprisoned etc. I kept saying "I know I am interpreting Islam wrong, for how come people find it beautiful and not me?!"

    I couldn't see the mercy, peace, and serenity in Islam anymore. But I know Allah SWT is Merciful, The source of all Peace, etc. But something made me think Islam is a cult-like religion. Be harsh to kuffar, be merciful to the muslims..

    But I know I am wrong, cause this is all out of context..

    So I ask, what do I do? How do I escape this cycle of trying to become good, but being smashed down because of this? It pains me.

    This is painful, and I know I am getting something wrong - but I can't seem to puzzle this together.

    I try to be wise and moral, and use my logic, but whenever I do, The ayats come and I get stuck! I thought of blaming Islam - But I know this is wrong.

    So I blamed myself - but this feels like cutting and stabbing my own heart.

    I really don't want to give up, so how do I puzzle this together? I want to love Allah SWT, but something is preventing me from loving Him SWT more than I do now.

    And Allah SWT knows best.
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-28-2016 at 05:09 PM.
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    Re: Am I evil?

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    @Serinity

    Pygoscelis is right, you should talk to other Muslims to seek guidance. Yes, bro, the cause of your doubt is because you have been trapped by a group that claim themselves as the only right group, while other Muslim groups are deviant. I guess, they use hadith of 73 sects to claim themselves as the only saved sect. It cause doubt in your heart. In one side you that their Islam is extreme. In another side you feel that if you disagree with them, then you are deviant.

    Brother, only Allah who know which the saved sect is!. So don't be deceived by a group which claim that they are the saved sect.

    Leave them, and start learn Islam from other Muslim scholars. Do not stuck only in one group, but learn from scholars from various groups.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    I know being good is Islamic, but they make it seem being good makes you deviant, being human makes you deviant. Like I follow my fitrah and it says that what those guys say is wrong.

    So Following my fitrah is following Islam.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by popsthebuilder View Post
    One cannot have compassion, mercy, or kindness without empathy. I haven't read anywhere that we are supposed to be cold callous people towards any. And you are right. It is illogical. How can you show mercy toward a others without empathy? How can you feel empathy without knowing of your own pain first?

    How can one be giving if they only want for themselves?

    I understand you are of Islamic Faith and will not tell you to read other books; but I will say that perhaps you need to read yours without preconceived bias.

    You cannot have mercy without compassion.

    Lack of mercy on our part towards all without bias, will be reciprocated back to us in our judgement.

    Peace friend.

    I wish I could be of more help.

    Be thankful to GOD for all things, mostly tests and trials. As with great potential comes great responsibility.
    This is what I've been suppresing for so long, whenever I feel empathy or sad, or affection to a kafir, a verse stating no love to kuffar who oppose Allah SWT..

    Oh, I didn't even understand the word compassion.. I thought "so show compassion without compassion, artificial compassion?" but nooooooooooooo

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    Re: Am I evil?

    You were doing so well, Serinity, hope you find peace within yourself again.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    you know what. I will just copy the Islam of @Kiro and let go of all this hatred and stuff.

    I will seek out the peaceful Muslims and avoid the violent ones.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    you know what. I will just copy the Islam of @Kiro and let go of all this hatred and stuff.

    I will be as I am to Muslims and kafirs, although there will always be a gate closed, which is fine tbh.
    I dont think you had any hatred to start of with, you'r just confused with your own feelings.

    Remember dont rely too much on your logic. Follow Islam with true acceptance.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Umm Abed View Post
    I dont think you had any hatred to start of with, you'r just confused with your own feelings.

    Remember dont rely too much on your logic. Follow Islam with true acceptance.
    Well, my Fitrah says to be as good as you can be and just and stuff. Islam says to enjoin good and forbid evil, and I know what that is.

    I will do what I can in my wisdom and if I go against the Quran then may Allah SWT forgive me, cause I honestly can't keep reffering to the Qur'an.. Even if I wanted to.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    Well, my Fitrah says to be as good as you can be and just and stuff. Islam says to enjoin good and forbid evil, and I know what that is.

    I will do what I can in my wisdom and if I go against the Quran then may Allah SWT forgive me, cause I honestly can't keep reffering to the Qur'an.. Even if I wanted to.
    I trust that you do not go against the Qur'an. If you want to refer to the Qur'an and have a doubt in a certain matter it is better to get it cleared first.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    I think I need more exposure to good Muslims, and their view on Islam, and a peaceful Imam. ( I know one Alhamdulillah, my brother know that is. )

    Dw tho, I am firm on my Aqeedah, it is just the morale side.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Alhamdulillah. Keep in good company always.

    May Allah keep you firm on deen of Islam ameen.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    you know what. I will just copy the Islam of @Kiro and let go of all this hatred and stuff.

    I will seek out the peaceful Muslims and avoid the violent ones.
    May Allah subhano wa T'ala elevate the characters of the Ummah, a little closer to that of Rasulallah SAWS. Amin
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Wow... Baraakallah

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    Re: Am I evil?

    I have 5 verses or so that causes me doubts.. Or should I say my understanding of it.

    JazakAllah khayr everyone for being patient with me and kind. This is the Ummah of The Prophet SAW. I feel empty tho. But I know what I should do. May Allah SWT enlighten me and make all the doubts come to mind when I speak to this Imam and finish it once and for all. Ameen.

    Btw, should we really be judgmental against those kuffar who attack us? there are 2 verses, which say that if the one who attacks you - do not be kind, or is it that we should not befriend but still be kind?

    I mean, there are kuffar with a preconcieved bias against Islam, so attacking them or being rude and cruel would just further them in their hatred, right?

    I admit, I have some preconcieved bias towards Islam, but I do not act upon it cuz I know these doubts are wrong and from shaytaan.
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-30-2016 at 11:24 AM.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    This is what I've been suppresing for so long, whenever I feel empathy or sad, or affection to a kafir, a verse stating no love to kuffar who oppose Allah SWT..

    Oh, I didn't even understand the word compassion.. I thought "so show compassion without compassion, artificial compassion?" but nooooooooooooo
    By kafir I assume you mean non believer.

    Know that the only real non believer is he who knows the will of GOD in his life yet actively goes against it.

    Consider the rest ignorant and as such not exactly against GOD

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by popsthebuilder View Post
    By kafir I assume you mean non believer.

    Know that the only real non believer is he who knows the will of GOD in his life yet actively goes against it.

    Consider the rest ignorant and as such not exactly against GOD
    I understand that they may not be against Allah SWT, and may Allah SWT guide those, and Allah SWT is the best judge, and I can't judge.

    But the one's who know about Islam and has not accepted it after knowing it etc. Is a kafir. I can't exactly call someone who doesn't believe in Islam a muslim, as one is only a Muslim by believing in Islam.

    So per Islam anyone who is not a Muslim is a kafir, and Allah SWT knows best how their end is. After all Allah SWT is All-Just.

    But it isn't for us to sentence someone to Hellfire. we can only assume, and the rest is up to Allah SWT.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serinity View Post
    I understand that they may not be against Allah SWT, and may Allah SWT guide those, and Allah SWT is the best judge, and I can't judge.

    But the one's who know about Islam and has not accepted it after knowing it etc. Is a kafir. I can't exactly call someone who doesn't believe in Islam a muslim, as one is only a Muslim by believing in Islam.

    So per Islam anyone who is not a Muslim is a kafir, and Allah SWT knows best how their end is. After all Allah SWT is All-Just.

    But it isn't for us to sentence someone to Hellfire. we can only assume, and the rest is up to Allah SWT.
    Are you assuming that everyone that hears of Islam believes it and that those that don't become muslims knowingly reject it?

    Pops is Christian, so is a non-believer in Islam. Pops isn't that way because he intends to go against God. He simply has a different understanding of who God is and what God wants. I, as an atheist, have a third understanding, and I am also not holding it for some malicious reason or to knowingly go against God.

    As for not feeling compassion for non-muslims, and as for hating, does it actually say anywhere in the Quran that you are to hate? Not loving doesn't mean hating. And refraining from for example going to a party with somebody where there will be alcohol and dancing doesn't mean hating either.

    If the Quran really did require you to hate non-muslims, I dont think Islam could have survived long nevermind spread so widely. After all, every convert was once a non-muslim.
    Last edited by Pygoscelis; 05-30-2016 at 02:38 PM.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by popsthebuilder
    Know that the only real non believer is he who knows the will of GOD in his life yet actively goes against it.
    A non-believer does not know the will of God, by definition. I think you need a new word, and Kaffir seems appropriate.

    Consider the rest ignorant and as such not exactly against GOD
    That would be the real non-believers.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Pygoscelis View Post
    Are you assuming that everyone that hears of Islam believes it and that those that don't become muslims knowingly reject it?

    Pops is Christian, so is a non-believer in Islam. Pops isn't that way because he intends to go against God. He simply has a different understanding of who God is and what God wants. I, as an atheist, have a third understanding, and I am also not holding it for some malicious reason or to knowingly go against God.

    As for not feeling compassion for non-muslims, and as for hating, does it actually say anywhere in the Quran that you are to hate? Not loving doesn't mean hating. And refraining from for example going to a party with somebody where there will be alcohol and dancing doesn't mean hating either.

    If the Quran really did require you to hate non-muslims, I dont think Islam could have survived long nevermind spread so widely. After all, every convert was once a non-muslim.
    Look, I am not to judge hearts, you may be sincere, I can't judge. But all I know is Allah SWT will deal justly and Allah SWT will not wrong anyone.

    But I do know to have a positive outset on life.

    There are 2 types:

    One is ignorant
    The other is arrogant.

    All in all, Allah SWT is the judge. I have no ill feelings against you, you are probably a good human, but I don't like the state you are in, not out of hate, but because I like to see people on the straight path. I like to see people convert to Islam.

    But I can't convert people to Islam, I know. So one has to at least tolerate people's choice. Tolerating doesn't mean accepting..

    and you are right, if the Quran did say for Muslims to hate non-believers, I couldn't imagine a non muslim wanting to convert to Islam.

    But from an Islamic perspective anyone who is not a Muslim is a non-believer. And Allah SWT knows best who goes to Hell, and who doesn't.

    Realise that I am not saying a non muslim is not sincere, or that any christian like pops is not sincere or kind, there are.

    and I am not trying to put out that we Muslims should hate everyone, or that the non muslims are all evil, they are not, I know. But they have disbelief in their heart, and anything that leads to Hellfire is evil, and misleading. Not to say that the person himself is evil.
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-30-2016 at 02:53 PM.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    Guys I am at peace now, I confused the verses of war with verses of peace / neutrality.

    I confused hatred for the bad deeds of kuffar with hatred for kuffar themselves.. I confused rulings of war with rulings when it is peace. I confused ettiquettes during war with ettiquettes during peaceful times / or times when not under attack.

    So killing a person in war is a good and righteous deed (when you are really forced to I think?) but killing now would be a disgusting deed.

    I was always conflicted cuz one ayat said to be harsh and kill, the other the opposite. I now understand it has to do with times.

    I will keep asking but for now I will take a break and focus more on school, as Allah SWT doesn't want me to fail, and college is an important part of learning.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Quote Originally Posted by Pygoscelis View Post
    A non-believer does not know the will of God, by definition. I think you need a new word, and Kaffir seems appropriate.



    That would be the real non-believers.
    I beg to differ as the ignorant are safe or judged by their deeds alone where as those knowing believers and hypocrites have the knowledge and turn from it often turning others away from truth as well.

    It is my personal findings that many atheist or deists insist they are the hypocrite or damned, that just isn't the case for most though.

    I would also like to add that you stated that I am a non believer of Islam because I am Christian.
    This isn't accurate.

    Based on my reading, studies, and what initially brought me into Faith in the One Creator GOD, I make no distinction between Faith. I understand there to be different perceptions or views regarding GOD, but that the attributes, and man's direction by the will of GOD is without change between different faiths.

    What I am trying to say is that the Qur'an, bible, and many other writings refer to the same singular creative GOD responsible for all existence. Though time and cultural differences may interpret or describe things somewhat differently, they refer to the same GOD, for the same reasons. This extends past even the Abrahamic faiths.


    In my humble opinion

    Peace
    Last edited by popsthebuilder; 05-30-2016 at 10:24 PM.


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