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Thread: Am I evil?

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    Am I evil? (OP)




    I am making this thread cuz I really feel like I am evil, and no I am not attention seeking.

    Firstly let me give a bit of background:

    Before I was a practicing Muslim, I was a calm shy person with decent manners. I was patient, but I could become annoyed easily. Allah SWT saved me from various sins, and showered me with mercy. I started praying and becoming pracitcing, not knowing much of Islam, but only that it enjoins good and forbids evil.

    So before practicing Islam, there was this kafir who always bullied / mocked me. I got angry once and hit him once, I hit my one of my relatives. It made me guilty, and I cried, I cry very easily sometimes.

    So now when I practiced Islam I always thought good etc. And then, Allah SWT tested me once again with this kafir, and I didn't hurt him, I was very patient etc. and he continued, so I called my teacher and told her how it was, etc. So we established a meeting where she reprimanded this kafir (she is herself a kafir) but she was kind, etc. So I thought, he did much wrong to me, he hit me, and stuff. So I thought of what The Prophet SAW would do, without knowing much except that he SAW was moral.

    So I thought " I know this is hard, I hate what he did, but I'll choose to forgive him" as to follow the Prophet Muhammad SAW's example.

    I could demand justice, but rather I forgave, I became guilty of all the bad I've done, etc. and repented to Allah SWT. Without demanding anything from anyone for the hurt they've done to me.

    So it went good, and I thought to not hate others, it never passed my mind to do so, as Allah SWT knows best their state, etc.

    Now, 1 year ahead, and I learnt more about Islam, I felt myself becoming more regular with prayers. But one thing seemed to happen.. my good character seemed to fade, the more knowledge I got, the more confused I became, I began to doubt myself, Islam, etc.

    I read the Quran and I liked it.. And then I chatted with someone and they told me a harsh Islam, etc. I couldn't take this harsh harsh Islam, so I ignored the thoughts, but they built, and I tried to stay good, but the doubts came.

    And then the verses stuck with me, the verses that makes me feel harsh, rude, and stuff like that. I began to dislike my character.

    So I did a self-analysis on myself and asked myself "would you convert to Islam if serinity did dawah to you?" the reply was "no". and this is confirmed by my brother who says:

    "you do not represent Islam very well, looking at you, I wouldn't even want to start."

    So I thought "why do people even come to Islam, what attracts them? What attracted me?" the reply was "good character".

    So what do I do wrong?? I know, I am harsh, rude, self-righteous, bigoted, hateful, etc. I knew I was wrong.. But The ayats kept me from becoming good, although I knew that The Quran says the Prophet Muhammad SAW is the best of creation with high esteemed character.

    I know Islam says to repel evil with good, and I did, but then verses came, and I indulged myself in issues of Jihad, Al wala wal bara..

    And I started to think "does becoming righteous mean becoming isolated, hateful, and unapproachable?" I know I was wrong.. But I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head..

    So I started to think "I rather be moral, and be a sinner, than be righteous and harsh." It hurt me, to think like this, but no matter what, the verses kept coming to me, although there are verses speaking of good and to be good, so I thought it is out of context..

    So I started to be good again, but whenever I tried to intent good, the verses came to me, and it made me guilty, and I felt imprisoned..

    I feel self-righteous, bigoted, hateful, imprisoned etc. I kept saying "I know I am interpreting Islam wrong, for how come people find it beautiful and not me?!"

    I couldn't see the mercy, peace, and serenity in Islam anymore. But I know Allah SWT is Merciful, The source of all Peace, etc. But something made me think Islam is a cult-like religion. Be harsh to kuffar, be merciful to the muslims..

    But I know I am wrong, cause this is all out of context..

    So I ask, what do I do? How do I escape this cycle of trying to become good, but being smashed down because of this? It pains me.

    This is painful, and I know I am getting something wrong - but I can't seem to puzzle this together.

    I try to be wise and moral, and use my logic, but whenever I do, The ayats come and I get stuck! I thought of blaming Islam - But I know this is wrong.

    So I blamed myself - but this feels like cutting and stabbing my own heart.

    I really don't want to give up, so how do I puzzle this together? I want to love Allah SWT, but something is preventing me from loving Him SWT more than I do now.

    And Allah SWT knows best.
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-28-2016 at 05:09 PM.
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  2. #101
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    Re: Am I evil?

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    I think we all can agree on what it means to be good, this is not rocket science. It seems I confused war and being at peace or neutral. But I will continue asking.

    But one thing I know is to follow my fitrah, and follow what I know deep inside to be good, and avoid confusions.

    I really from the bottom of my heart try to just be a good Muslim, and I want no harm.

    I sometimes don't understand some ayats, but I have to keep in mind that Allah SWT is All-wise and thus jumping to conclusions on 1 ayat is just ignorance.

    See me as judgmental or whatever, but I honestly am just trying to understand Islam, and I do know I've gone from one extreme to another. From intolerance to tolerance, from being harsh to being kind, etc. Fluctuating.

    me calling being good not rocket science yet here I am -.-' If I've ever been rude, I apologize.

    @Pygoscelis I have noticed that you said I was harsh and intolerant. Know that it was not because I hate you as a person, cuz I don't know you, but rather I didn't understand myself, nor did I understand Islam, so yeah..

    Idk, we do disagree on beliefs and stuff, and this is a big jump, but lets just shake hands and end this.. If I don't start showing mercy how can I expect mercy in return. I don't seek anyone's pity. I am just trying to better myself.

    I forgive all the extremists who have brainwashed me and I henceforth won't let anyone destroy my view on Islam, and I will strive to do good, cause why do evil?

    This sounds so cheesy of me.. XD
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-30-2016 at 09:25 PM.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    GROUP HUG!
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    Re: Am I evil?

    *Hug*

    There is nothing kufr about following the Fitrah, yeah? Sometimes when I read a verse in isolation ( I know not a good idea) in my fitrah, the way I understand some verses, goes against the very core of the fitrah.

    I'm probably overthinking, nothing wrong in thinking, double-checking, and stuff.

    anyways if something is bothering me then it is obviously my understanding of it that is flawed. Cause why would so many kafirs come to Islam, cause the way I saw Islam, back then, it was illogical.

    Anyways, I will think for myself, and stuff like that.

    EDIT: actually my whole point is illogical, of course I should think, reason and follow my Fitrah! Doing otherwise is being like a sheep, and I doubt Allah SWT says that..

    Only by thinking, reflecting and searching can one reach Truth, Al-Islam.

    May Allah SWT forgive me if I said any wrong. Ameen.
    Last edited by Serinity; 05-31-2016 at 09:39 AM.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    I feel really bad for being cruel at heart. I was blind to the good character of the Prophet SAW. I will try to emulate his (SAW) character for now.

    Alhamdulillah now I can start fresh. In shaa' Allah.

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    Re: Am I evil?

    IMO, I really believe that in Islam is the most balanced of the three divinely revealed religions, and it was the last one, so this makes sense.

    The Jews are the most harsh in terms of their beliefs. Look at the many verses in the Old Testament/Torah and look at the Talmud. They are taught that non-Jews are basically beasts, and that they are only there to serve the Jews. And they are not encouraged to try to bring in converts to their religion, unlike Christians and Muslims. Of course not all Jews are like this, but this is in a general sense.

    The Christians on the other hand are taught that God/Jesus loves the sinner as if it doesn't matter what people do (but at the same time Christians believe that if you don't accept Jesus as your lord and savior, then you are going to hell - so what good is it if that according to them Jesus or God "loves" you?), and that when people are wronged to in essence always turn the other cheek. However, how are you supposed to defend yourself?

    So with Islam, this is a middle path. A way to live that is a balance of sorts between the two extremes. And I'm aware of these verses that teach to be harsh against the disbelievers. There are others that teach to be kind, fair, and just even if is against yourself and in favor of the non-believers. Correct?

    And also I think that certain Sunni Muslim sects IMO seem to emphasize the more harsh verses to a certain extent. Not saying they are wrong. There's a time for these verses, but as far as I have observed, Muslims are taught to be the middle nation, the one that is not one of the two extremes, and the one that takes the middle path, etc.

    There's a story about Ali in the Hadeeths. It's beautiful actually. He's on the battlefield. You guys probably know it. And the bottom line of the story is that he stops himself from doing something out of anger, because this would have been from his Nafs (desires?), and not for the sake of God.

    There's another story I've heard in the Hadeeths that say that the Prophet Muhammad is in essence like someone standing at the front of a campfire at night, and he's trying to catch the moths before they fly into the fire, as of course moths are attracted to the fire. And this represents that he was a Mercy sent to all of humanity by God to help people not enter the Hellfire in the same way that someone would try to stop moths from going into a campfire at night. And this is another way to look at the fact that Muslims need to at times not be harsh but merciful to others because God is merciful and God doesn't want people to go to the hell fire.

    Please correct me if I'm wrong. Thank-you.
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    Re: Am I evil?

    Oh and I'm sure you are in no way "evil."

    You should never thing that.

    You sound like you're decent and kind but like a lot of people to some degree or another, you have stuff you've got to deal with and take care of.

    Peace and blessings
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    Re: Am I evil?

    *think
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