I am making this thread cuz I really feel like I am evil, and no I am not attention seeking.
Firstly let me give a bit of background:
Before I was a practicing Muslim, I was a calm shy person with decent manners. I was patient, but I could become annoyed easily. Allah SWT saved me from various sins, and showered me with mercy. I started praying and becoming pracitcing, not knowing much of Islam, but only that it enjoins good and forbids evil.
So before practicing Islam, there was this kafir who always bullied / mocked me. I got angry once and hit him once, I hit my one of my relatives. It made me guilty, and I cried, I cry very easily sometimes.
So now when I practiced Islam I always thought good etc. And then, Allah SWT tested me once again with this kafir, and I didn't hurt him, I was very patient etc. and he continued, so I called my teacher and told her how it was, etc. So we established a meeting where she reprimanded this kafir (she is herself a kafir) but she was kind, etc. So I thought, he did much wrong to me, he hit me, and stuff. So I thought of what The Prophet SAW would do, without knowing much except that he SAW was moral.
So I thought " I know this is hard, I hate what he did, but I'll choose to forgive him" as to follow the Prophet Muhammad SAW's example.
I could demand justice, but rather I forgave, I became guilty of all the bad I've done, etc. and repented to Allah SWT. Without demanding anything from anyone for the hurt they've done to me.
So it went good, and I thought to not hate others, it never passed my mind to do so, as Allah SWT knows best their state, etc.
Now, 1 year ahead, and I learnt more about Islam, I felt myself becoming more regular with prayers. But one thing seemed to happen.. my good character seemed to fade, the more knowledge I got, the more confused I became, I began to doubt myself, Islam, etc.
I read the Quran and I liked it.. And then I chatted with someone and they told me a harsh Islam, etc. I couldn't take this harsh harsh Islam, so I ignored the thoughts, but they built, and I tried to stay good, but the doubts came.
And then the verses stuck with me, the verses that makes me feel harsh, rude, and stuff like that. I began to dislike my character.
So I did a self-analysis on myself and asked myself "would you convert to Islam if serinity did dawah to you?" the reply was "no". and this is confirmed by my brother who says:
"you do not represent Islam very well, looking at you, I wouldn't even want to start."
So I thought "why do people even come to Islam, what attracts them? What attracted me?" the reply was "good character".
So what do I do wrong?? I know, I am harsh, rude, self-righteous, bigoted, hateful, etc. I knew I was wrong.. But The ayats kept me from becoming good, although I knew that The Quran says the Prophet Muhammad SAW is the best of creation with high esteemed character.
I know Islam says to repel evil with good, and I did, but then verses came, and I indulged myself in issues of Jihad, Al wala wal bara..
And I started to think "does becoming righteous mean becoming isolated, hateful, and unapproachable?" I know I was wrong.. But I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head..
So I started to think "I rather be moral, and be a sinner, than be righteous and harsh." It hurt me, to think like this, but no matter what, the verses kept coming to me, although there are verses speaking of good and to be good, so I thought it is out of context..
So I started to be good again, but whenever I tried to intent good, the verses came to me, and it made me guilty, and I felt imprisoned..
I feel self-righteous, bigoted, hateful, imprisoned etc. I kept saying "I know I am interpreting Islam wrong, for how come people find it beautiful and not me?!"
I couldn't see the mercy, peace, and serenity in Islam anymore. But I know Allah SWT is Merciful, The source of all Peace, etc. But something made me think Islam is a cult-like religion. Be harsh to kuffar, be merciful to the muslims..
But I know I am wrong, cause this is all out of context..
So I ask, what do I do? How do I escape this cycle of trying to become good, but being smashed down because of this? It pains me.
This is painful, and I know I am getting something wrong - but I can't seem to puzzle this together.
I try to be wise and moral, and use my logic, but whenever I do, The ayats come and I get stuck! I thought of blaming Islam - But I know this is wrong.
So I blamed myself - but this feels like cutting and stabbing my own heart.
I really don't want to give up, so how do I puzzle this together? I want to love Allah SWT, but something is preventing me from loving Him SWT more than I do now.
I don't know why you have so much trouble with this. I honestly think maybe you should see an Islamic counsellor to discuss these issues.
Do you have any friends at college? I think you're isolating yourself more than what is required and you seem incredibly lonely. Your country is not exactly a Muslim majority country so perhaps you don't have many Muslim friends?
From your posts it seems that you don't even want to sit next to a non believer or even study with them. This level of isolation will ultimately lead you to becoming a very bitter and very angry person, kinda like that Abu Haleema guy. Incredibly pious man but very aggrieved. You'll have achieved nothing but becoming a horrible person.
Inshallah try to use logic and reason to deal with everyday social situations and not to refer to an ayat every single time you have to interact with kufr.
That is what I will do. I usually like loneliness, but I like to communicate with people.
I don't mind studying with a kafir, but Islam prevents me.. Or so I feel.
If you really find it this impossible to be near them, I highly suggest that you finish college, do your programming and then move to Saudi Arabia or something where there is little to no Muslims.
Otherwise you'll just have to accept that you will be living amongst the non believers so you should probably learn to just deal with it.
I think you were brainwashed, basically. It seems that you try so much to contain your emotions so now they are coming out as rage. It's OK to cry. It's OK to be upset. It's OK to care. Don't let your heart turn stone cold. You seem like an introvert where it's that you like to spend time with people, but you feel most comfortable alone. I'm like this too, but you have to realize that there's a difference between being introverted and being angry. You have both and those are not a good mixture. You have to be at peace with yourself and content, which you are not. This isn't an islamic issue, it's a personal issue. By being angry and bottling up your emotions, you focus your attention on the things that resonate with your feelings (eg. that kaafirs are bad), instead of seeing the beauty of the things around you and learning about your religion with a content heart. I do think you have to get out more and be around positive influences and seek activities that can have a positive impact on you. You're putting yourself in a box and of course this is going to stunt your spiritual and mental growth. You need to breathe.
I feel it is Islam that makes me like this, before practicing Islam, I was very calm. Now I feel very hateful - I don't like it.
The problem is that your doubts has re-surfaced again. Say NO to doubts, and you will be okay. There's no need to feel hateful; just see that you are practising. You know you cant changed the world, but you can change yourself.
And then I chatted with someone and they told me a harsh Islam, etc. I couldn't take this harsh harsh Islam, so I ignored the thoughts, but they built, and I tried to stay good, but the doubts came.
This is why you are like this. Someone brainwashed you.
Islam is a beautiful religion, and you clearly said that you loved it until you met this person. If this negative person is the only version of Islam you were exposed to, anyone would start to feel bothered. It's even worse when you already have a lot of sadness and anger in your heart especially towards kaafirs.
You're a smart kid mashallah, but you seem to be a bit empty inside. Even if you resorted back to "before practicing" you'd still have the negative feelings deep down inside, but I think they are just manifesting into something worse because you don't have anything to comfort you. What you had (loving islam) was ruined because of an individual's sad attempt to educate you.
This is why you are like this. Someone brainwashed you.
Islam is a beautiful religion, and you clearly said that you loved it until you met this person. If this negative person is the only version of Islam you were exposed to, anyone would start to feel bothered. It's even worse when you already have a lot of sadness and anger in your heart especially towards kaafirs.
You're a smart kid mashallah, but you seem to be a bit empty inside. Even if you resorted back to "before practicing" you'd still have the negative feelings deep down inside, but I think they are just manifesting into something worse because you don't have anything to comfort you. What you had (loving islam) was ruined because of an individual's sad attempt to educate you.
Now I just want to follow my logic, my brain, but then this reminds me:
Those who follow anything other than the Quran, or prefers to follow anything over The Quran, is a kafir.
So what do I do? I want to use my brain!
I have this anger and hate because from twhat I see now, that is what Islam wants from me - to hate kuffar.
I feel enslaved to this harsh Islam. I just want to be that guy I was. I can do it, I can become like I was 1 year ago. But this feeling.. It feels like betraying Allah SWT.
I will just reset my memory and knowledge and start from 1 year ago. Tho it feels like betraying Allah SWT. But I hope HE Swt will forgive me.
You hated kuffar from before because you were bullied. You have unresolved anger.
If you hate something so much that it affects your day to day life and your iman, then your hatred is futile.
It's likeee in the movies, when someone hates someone sooo badly and so they spend their entire life create this huge revenge plot, and you just sit there thinking this dude just wasted his whole life cuz of some stupid idiot. You're giving the people you hate power over you. Have you even completed reading the Quran?
How do you can say that it´s Islam who wants you to hate kafirs? I never haven´t had same kind of feelings and I think many others too haven´t had it. Ok, we don´t take our habits or life styles or believes from them but why to hate them? I don´t find from kind of idea any sense and I think you have found this idea from somewhere else than from Islam.
If you want to fight for your iman you have to seek knowledge until your doubts and your heart is cleared up. Stick with the basics, speak with people of knowledge (scholars) and stay away from the people who put these negative thoughts in your head. If you don't like kaafirs, so what? But no one is really forcing you to hate anyone. Do your own thing and don't worry about them. Find good Muslim brothers to hang out with, there's no point in obsessing over these little thoughts.
May Allah guide you brother. The Quran is meant to make us feel at peace. This individual negatively impacted you so stay away from him. You were already reading the Quran and feeling good in your heart and soul, so continue to do what you were doing before, and forget everything this individual has told you. As always we are here to help you inshallah.
Don't feel as if you will be punished, I think you punished yourself enough for no reason! lol. There's nothing you really have to carry out physically other than the five pillars, so put your focus on that As you learn everything will fall into place inshallah.
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