Reasonable and Practical Mahr?

Hmmmmmmmm Mahr?? The normal is about £200 i think but i am happy to please ,i wouldn't want that either just a promise that my hubby to keep me happy and safe at all times and love me with all my faults and all........................

format_quote Originally Posted by Faizah

A reasonable mahr is simply one that is reasonably affordable for the groom, i.e. one that will not burden him, or put him in to debt.

I remember reading the book of marriage, particularly the chapter on mahr, in al-Mulakhkhas al-fiqhi, by shaykh Fawzaan helped me a lot when I had to make such a decision. I remember this quote by Ibn Taymiyyah in that chapter:


"If the dowry given is much, it is not deemed detestable as long as the groom is able to afford it, unless the large amount is offered for detestable purposes, such as boastfulness, showing off, and the like. However, if the groom is unable to afford such a large dowry, it is detestable for him to present it.

[...]

If the amount of dowry is much and it is deferred to be paid later, it should be deemed detestable also due to the difficulty caused to the groom by the burden."


An interesting point that the shaykh expalined, was that whatever the girl's father/guardian requests from the groom, such as clothes or jewellery, this counts as the mahr. So yes sisters, be reasonable in this matter too. I know in the Somali culture, the groom has to present the wife with suitcases full of duroo3 (a type of dress, typically worn by Somali women), which are normally bought from the Emirates nowadays, and loads of gold, as well as the mahr. Obviously, that puts a lot of strain and burden on young brothers who are struggling to get married.

Shaykh 'Uthaymeen (rahimahullaah) stated:

"Extravagance in dowry payments and wedding celebrations are all in conflict with the Islamic Law, because the most blessed marriage is the least expensive one; and the more the expenses are decreased, the more the blessing are increased."

- Fatawa Islamiyah - ;The book of Marriage; Volume 5, pg.300


And as for all those sisters who are whining about making hijrah, or going abroad to study the deen. If you're really sincere, then you won't place your husband in to endless debt, for this dunya, or status etc. I say status, because a lot of the time it's all social status, and israaf. Really, do you think any amount of money can cover what you're worth? The mahr is a gift, not a price tag.

I'll just end with the speech of our Messenger (salAllaahu 'alayhi wa 'ala aalihi wa sallam) on this matter:

Uqbar bin Amir (radiyAllaahu 'anhu) narrated that the Messenger of Allaah (salAllaahu alayhi wa sallam) said, "The best dower is the easiest one." {Related by Aboo Dawood. Al Haakim graded it as saheeh}

Great post sis, jazaki Allah khair.

format_quote Originally Posted by SAYA

I heard of a man got married and made his wedding a legendary one, very very expensive part, and after that going in a honeymoon....according to the wife request, but what was the result?

all the money he got was from bank and he got his first child after 1 and a half year of his marriage while he still pay back for his debt to bank. The child needed money as well for his care a well as the wife. problems start raised between the couples because of the money and the husband blamed the wife for her hard requests before the marriage........finally they ended up getting divorced

Sadly that is not surprising to read, lot's of couples go into debt because they decided to go ''all out'' on their wedding day, spending over $50, 000.00 on one night that most people will forget by the next day. :rolleyes: SubhanAllaah and so many of them are mixed, where's the barakah in that?

Sisters have to be more mindful of what a brother can afford, especially if both of you are young and aren't exactly well off.

format_quote Originally Posted by Faizah

An interesting point that the shaykh expalined, was that whatever the girl's father/guardian requests from the groom, such as clothes or jewellery, this counts as the mahr. So yes sisters, be reasonable in this matter too. I know in the Somali culture, the groom has to present the wife with suitcases full of duroo3 (a type of dress, typically worn by Somali women), which are normally bought from the Emirates nowadays, and loads of gold, as well as the mahr. Obviously, that puts a lot of strain and burden on young brothers who are struggling to get married.

JazakAllaah khair macaanto, I especially agree with this point a lot. SubhanAllaah the amount of durooc that Somali women have is just shameful sometimes. Especially with it not being Islamically ''appropriate'' unless worn with a garbasar (most women don't do this). The colours aren't pretty either, and it doesn't come cheap. I only own one pair and I'd never ask for one diraac let alone a suitcase full of them...akhaas!

Really though, sisters need to be reasonable especially about a prospective brother's situation, don't put a load on him that he doesn't need.

It is hard for a sister to think of what she'd want as a mahr, but the whole end result is a union between two people that plan on spending not only this life but the next life (Jannah inshaa'Allaah) together.

So inshaa'Allaah just make du'a and think of something that will not put stress on the brother, nor a burden.

I kinda always was confused about mahr... I mean why do sisters ask for so much or bros make a big deal about it, if at the end of the day... You're gonna be having the same money together anyway.:confused:

format_quote Originally Posted by Faizah

An interesting point that the shaykh expalined, was that whatever the girl's father/guardian requests from the groom, such as clothes or jewellery, this counts as the mahr. So yes sisters, be reasonable in this matter too.

great post! but what if the father/guardian requests something that
a)the girl doesn't want and
b) the potential cant afford?

what do you do then? and also, what if the father/guardian asks for a huge amount, etc but the girl doesn't agree. does she have a right to go against him in this respect?

From Faizah's post
"Really, do you think any amount of money can cover what you're worth? The mahr is a gift, not a price tag."

I think that plays a big part in the whole matter, really, it's probably the most important thing.
The parents and (sometimes) the girl feel if they ask for a small mahr, it means that the girl is worth a small amount. Usually for example, the "prettier" the girl is, the more "educated" she is, the higher social status she has, etc. the more mahr she gets offered. So when a girl considers having a smaller mahr, a lot of the time it's like saying "i'm not as pretty/smart/etc. as that other girl who got more than me". And her parents think the same way. That's also a reason why some girls ask for huge mahrs.

So yeah, the correct way to look at the mahr is a gift, not a price tag, liks sis Faizah said.

format_quote Originally Posted by Banu_Hashim

I kinda always was confused about mahr... I mean why do sisters ask for so much or bros make a big deal about it, if at the end of the day... You're gonna be having the same money together anyway.:confused:

who said sisters have to share the mahr money with their husbands? its gift so basically its hers only but its up to her whether she wants to share
Dont know why people make big deal about the mahr either its just a gift but most people i know see it as price tag :X

I've seen in the Bengali culture anyway, it's the parents that do the demanding. The sister probs too shy to say a thing. The parents don't get the money anyway, so I don't understand...
Anyways, in some weddings, it absolutely ridiculous, they announce the mahr of what the dudes giving the girl, something along the lines of £10,000. And if they've bought the gold for the bride, then they'll state that the cost's taken from the mahr.
Yes, some women are stupidly demanding, but I've seen that the cost of the wedding itself is ridiculous (In the region of £35,000!!!!) so why put the extra strain on.
Seriously it's so sad to see the state of weddings now. Then it feels like there's some sort of pressure to live up to how much someone else has spent. Meh.
Insha'allah, am hoping mine'll be a simple one. Who knows.

You seem scared. Usually, that cost is just incurred on the brides side, for the hire of hall, catering, decoration, limo etc. Allah knows what the dude pays, as they pay for wedding dress, walima dress, mehndi dress, limo, hall hire etc for walimah. I feel sorry for 'em.

format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude

Seriously though, what could they possibly do on that day that would cost up to £35,000?

"the hire of hall, catering, decoration, limo" couldn't be worth that much, surely? :><:

those asian wedding dresses cost around £2000 alone...

I dunno, some halls cost £10,000 then you gotta think of insurance and security. All depends on location etc. Seriously, weddings have become too extravagent here and if someone chooses to have a simple one, they're regarded as cheap.
Some people are tooooo materialistic for their own good.

It's ridiculous all the same and is a reflection of the whole spend more than you earn society.

What the....!?

I know this day can be special for some people and everything but it's just one day! (ok... you have the Walima as well but still... £30, 000??) Most likely people won't dwell on it for too long...

It depends... if he's intelligent.
If he is, I already have exactly what I want, someone I can learn things from! priceless!

on a side note:
There used to be this one physics teacher (well she's still at my highschool) lol she told us she and her husband do physics problems together.

if he's not too intelligent, no biggy....
a bookstore giftcard
we can learn together.

My old Arabic teacher, he told us his wife asked for him to buy wedding dress.


I know my dad was poorer than my mom a bit, I wonder what he got her. I should ask.

format_quote Originally Posted by transition?

on a side note:
There used to be this one physics teacher (well she's still at my highschool) lol she told us she and her husband do physics problems together.

Oh Dear... if only there was a "nerd" smiley.

format_quote Originally Posted by Banu_Hashim

What the....!?

I know this day can be special for some people and everything but it's just one day! (ok... you have the Walima as well but still... £30, 000??) Most likely people won't dwell on it for too long...

Weddings are so crazy blingish nowadays.
I always excuse people from having big extravagant weddings, thinking "Oh, they have MashAllah a big family and lots of cousins." The materialism is disgusting . I wonder how people live with such extravagant wives. No. actually. How do people even get engaged and choose such spouses? There is an overwhelmingly unnecessary concern about financial stability.

format_quote Originally Posted by Banu_Hashim

Oh Dear... if only there was a "nerd" smiley.

it's lovely! It could be worst, they could be partners in crime instead of physics.
oh: It's amazing finding someone who you love and loves doing something you love too.

format_quote Originally Posted by transition?

it's lovely! It could be worst, they could be partners in crime instead of physics.
oh: It's amazing finding someone who you love and loves doing something you love too.

I supooose... I just don't like physics