Broken engagement...what do i do now?

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-11-2009

I have been engaged since last July to a man overseas. My family and i were told they were a good family etc. I spoke to him on the phone with the permission of my parents and i thought i could have a good life with him. He didnt drink or smoke and most of his family was religious.

Things started to deteriorate badly when his aunt and her daughter who live nearby meddled. Its ironic because his aunt set us up.
I dont want to write the whole story but ill give you a short version.

He refuses to have a wedding. My father wants to give me away with a party so i asked him if he will at least do the traditional picking up of the bride we albanians do. He refuses to even do that.

His aunts daughter dis respects me all the time, even in public. He keeps saying its my fault even though i have done nothing to deserve her disrespect.
He says terrible things on the phone to me and all i have done is cried and cried.

I grew up my whole life listening to my parents. I never went clubbing i have never drank alcohol. I never disobeyed my parents and i always strived to be a good muslim. I thought he was a good muslim as well but the things he has said to me, even in regards to my level of devotion to Islam have just hurt me so badly.
My parents know everything and they were even present when my fiance said certain things to me (he did not know they could hear him).
My parents and my brothers are behind me in my decision.

But i am so afraid. I am so afraid that no one will want me now because of this. Im afraid that maybe i might have done something wrong that i cant even remember and im being punished for it now.
I dont understand, and i dont know what to do. I have prayed that if this was meant to be and it is good for this marriage to happen, for it to happen. But if it is not good, then for it to end sooner than later.

I feel so depressed and heart broken. I am so ashamed and worst of all i feel like i let my parents down.

**coddles76** · 03-12-2009

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

Ahh i see what your saying and you are right.
When i went to see him with my father, his faith was weak and it bothered me quite a bit. He even tried to convince me to sleep at his home even though we are not married.

I dont want to be with a person who does not respect the religious rules that are set for us Muslims, rules that protect us.

Alhumdulillah, Thankyou for understanding my point and if you are making the decision based on his level of Iman then you are doing the right thing and remember to always seek guidance and protecion with Allah SWT.

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 03-12-2009

in summary: dump him...dump him like a tonne of bricks i say

he sounds like a feaking control freak! the minute he speaks bad about your family, leave him sis! if he cant even repsct your parents, he doesnt respect you either...people like that arent worth the pain...

i know a sis who married someone like that. after they got married, he prevented her dad from visiting her for no legit reason. her dad stood knocking at he door, whilst noone answered him (even tho they were home).

sis, after you marry your husband, you have to obey his word (expect when it comes to disobeying allah). think about this carefully, and DO NOT get yourself into something you cant get out of

if this is how he is acting now, image what you're gna go through after marriage. its a blessing i think that all this stuff has come up now to be honest...

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

But i am so afraid. I am so afraid that no one will want me now because of this.

get that ridiculous thinking outta your head now!!!

if no-one wants you for things that are beyond your control, then trust me, your not in need of them either. everything is in Allah's hands. just pray that you get someone better (and im sure there are waay better bros out there) nothings too much for allah to do!!!

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

I know in my heart, in my gut, in my head, that i will have only heartache with this man if i married him. I asked Allah(swt) guidance and i am praying that this too shall pass and leave me as minimally scathed as possible.

pray istikhara sis!

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

The thing is they claim its financial reasons. But his parents take month long vacations all the time. Theyre house and their clothes tell a different story.

oh hunni, what are you waiting for. dump him i say

**Snowflake** · 03-12-2009

assalamu alaykum sis,

Your main concern shouldn't be whether he wants a wedding party or not or his refusal of carrying out traditional customs but that he blames you when his cousin disrespects you!? What kinda man does that? His aunt and cousin won't automatically vanish after marriage. And if they have issues with you now, it's probably going to get worse. But forget them, any man who let's his wife to be disrespected isn't worth it. Even a man isn't allowed to behave like that towards his wife, never mind letting other behave like that with her. Good riddence to him, I say!

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 03-12-2009

^ditto at that!

**Al-Zaara** · 03-12-2009

He is saying bad things to you now already? He disrespects tradition and his family already speaks bad of you? One would think people would wait to show their true selves after marriage, hah.

You dump him! Honestly, you are not even married yet! Don't make them feel you worthless, what kind of person does that? They know how tradition and culture is there, they do it all on purpose, probably to make you either go for it or destroy your reputation for God knows what reasons.

There will come something better for you inshaAllah, after you leave the idiot and that family.

Sister, I'm an Kosovo Albanian-Turk, I know how my people can be and I know what kind of pathetic and idiotic drama they like to create. They are so not worth it.

**~Taalibah~** · 03-12-2009

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

I have been engaged since last July to a man overseas. My family and i were told they were a good family etc. I spoke to him on the phone with the permission of my parents and i thought i could have a good life with him. He didnt drink or smoke and most of his family was religious.

Things started to deteriorate badly when his aunt and her daughter who live nearby meddled. Its ironic because his aunt set us up.
I dont want to write the whole story but ill give you a short version.

He refuses to have a wedding. My father wants to give me away with a party so i asked him if he will at least do the traditional picking up of the bride we albanians do. He refuses to even do that.

His aunts daughter dis respects me all the time, even in public. He keeps saying its my fault even though i have done nothing to deserve her disrespect.
He says terrible things on the phone to me and all i have done is cried and cried.

I grew up my whole life listening to my parents. I never went clubbing i have never drank alcohol. I never disobeyed my parents and i always strived to be a good muslim. I thought he was a good muslim as well but the things he has said to me, even in regards to my level of devotion to Islam have just hurt me so badly.
My parents know everything and they were even present when my fiance said certain things to me (he did not know they could hear him).
My parents and my brothers are behind me in my decision.

But i am so afraid. I am so afraid that no one will want me now because of this. Im afraid that maybe i might have done something wrong that i cant even remember and im being punished for it now.
I dont understand, and i dont know what to do. I have prayed that if this was meant to be and it is good for this marriage to happen, for it to happen. But if it is not good, then for it to end sooner than later.

I feel so depressed and heart broken. I am so ashamed and worst of all i feel like i let my parents down.

Sister, if he is in sulting you now and making u so upset saying bad things, what would happen if you married him and lived together?

The person you marry should at least try and understand you leave alone accept certain things.

Further, if his family are disrespecting for things that you havnt even earned is a big sign that they certainly wont later in life.

But i am so afraid. I am so afraid that no one will want me now because of this.

Why? No theres no need to fear this. Keep on making Dua, Allah Ta'aala will bring you the right partner InshaAllah.
Never let this feeling rule you sis.

Fee Amanillah

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-12-2009

Thank you all. Each post i read gives me more and more strength to do this because i know it is the right thing.

Al-Zaara! he is from kosovo, from the capital. I was fooled into believing they were such a good family. But now as i piece together every action, every word, good and bad, i see that it was all just a show.

Inshallah this is the right choice, for i feel that it is. Allah(swt) did me a great favor by bringing this all out now and saving me from even worse pain. For if i had married him who knows what i would have gone through.

Friday, ishallah, my father and uncles will be meeting with his father and him to have the talk. I will fill you all in on what he has to say for himself.
Funny thing is, in front of my father HE ACTS LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yet with me, different story.

One thing i dont know if i mentioned, He told me "Dont tell your parents, brothers or girl friends anything we talk about. Especially not when we have problems. No one needs to know"
Yet i found out he tells all his siblings and mother about the things we have issues with only he makes it sound like it is my fault.

Worse yet, what kind of man tells a girl to keep secrets from the people who raised her? who care about her?
Thank God i did not listen and i have kept my parents informed through this all.

**Al-Zaara** · 03-12-2009

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

One thing i dont know if i mentioned, He told me "Dont tell your parents, brothers or girl friends anything we talk about. Especially not when we have problems. No one needs to know"
Yet i found out he tells all his siblings and mother about the things we have issues with only he makes it sound like it is my fault.

Worse yet, what kind of man tells a girl to keep secrets from the people who raised her? who care about her?
Thank God i did not listen and i have kept my parents informed through this all.

EXACTLY!

You're worth so much more, and my personal opinion, qka edhe thot, leje krejt.

**MinAhlilHadeeth** · 03-12-2009

Allaahul Musta'aan. Sister, this brother sounds like a nightmare. I definitely feel you are making the right decision, and I'm telling you this as a married sister. There will be times when you need a lot of help, support and someone who understands you. This brother doesn't even seem to be hiding the fact that he will disrespect you, and deny you your rights.

One thing i dont know if i mentioned, He told me "Dont tell your parents, brothers or girl friends anything we talk about. Especially not when we have problems. No one needs to know"

That is so wrong. Your parents will only help you and support you with making the right decisions, and they can't do that if they don't have all the details. I suggest that you tell them everything, if you haven't already.

He even tried to convince me to sleep at his home even though we are not married.

How disgusting! If he's making suggestions like that, he obviously doesn't respect your virtue and dignity, subhaanAllaah. I agree with all the others ukhtee. You are worth so much more, and I see his behaviour as a sign and warning from Allaah. You yourself said you made du'a to Allaah, so see this as your answer. As Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala says:

وَقَالَ رَبُّكُمُ ادْعُونِي أَسْتَجِبْ لَكُمْ

"And your Lord said: "Invoke Me, [i.e. believe in My Oneness (Islâmic Monotheism)] (and ask Me for anything) I will respond to your (invocation)..."
[Surah al-Ghaafir (40):60]

**Zahida** · 03-12-2009

Sis pray istikhaara........................

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

Thank you all.

I appreciate the kind words and they are indeed comforting.

How do i deal with people second guessing my decision? I know that in my heart even if he apologizes and turns around to acting the way he did before the engagement first began, he will only do so for a short while before something else causes him to say these things to me. Every time something happens that he dislikes he throws everything in my face and blames it on me and i am thousands of miles away!

I know in my heart, in my gut, in my head, that i will have only heartache with this man if i married him. I asked Allah(swt) guidance and i am praying that this too shall pass and leave me as minimally scathed as possible.

**Snowflake** · 03-12-2009

^Pray istikhara for what sis? It's obvious this guy is a creep. The sis realisez she is better off without him, alhumdulillah. So no need for her to make istikhara in this situation.

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-12-2009

Yes ive already made my decision. I wont be changing my mind.

But nonetheless can someone give Istikhara to me? I havent learned all the prayers and duas yet, i have only been practicing for a few years now and am still learning.

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-12-2009

What do i do about my mother being sad? I can see it is causing her sadness, she supports my decision but she is still very sad it didnt work out the way we had initially imagined. I dont want to see her suffer on my account