The Polygamist Fantasy And The Distressing Of Sisters

**Ibn Abi Ahmed** · 09-28-2009

Br. AbdelRahman Murphy hits the nail on the head:

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The Polygamist Fantasy And The Distressing Of Sisters

Guest post by AbdelRahman Murphy

One night, during a conference that I went to in the summer, my wife and I had a conversation about the day’s events. One topic in our conversation that came up was the issue of American-Muslims and the struggle of marriage.

Earlier in the day, during his session, one of the lecturers asked for a quick show of hands as to how many people in the audience were married. Being a newly-inducted member into this (seemingly) exclusive group, I raised my hand and took a glance around the room, expecting to see a good number of brothers and sisters with their arms in the air. To my concern, the amount of raised hands in the was less than 20 - out of the 130 people in the room, approximately 110 of them were not married (as a piece of information to help paint the picture, the majority in the room was sisters).

As my wife and I discussed this odd phenomenon of young, practicing, Muslim singles remaining single, I asked the stereotypically male question, “Why are there so many unmarried people here? You would think that with such a large quantity of actively-Muslim Muslims that there would be a high percentage of brothers and sisters that were hitched.”

My wife shrugged, “Not sure, and it’s not like they don’t want to get married, a lot of the sisters I’ve met are looking for a husband.” And then it dawned on me - the proverbial apple had dropped from Isaac’s tree and struck me on the head, pulling to the forefront of my mind, an amazing idea: “Why don’t the brothers and sisters here who are unmarried just marry each other!” It was so simple! I was on my way to becoming the matchmaker of the century, and had already began imagining my acceptance speech as the new president of Practimate.com.

“Pfft,” she said.

“Pfft? Is that such a terrible idea? We have two groups of unmarried people here, is it so hard to imagine that there would be some marriage-matches amongst them?”

“It’s possible - if the guys act like men.”

Whoa! Where was this coming from? The brothers I’d met during my time at the conference were, masha Allah, rising stars of dawah in America. The level of knowledge that was to be seen on the Y-chromosome side of the classroom was admirable, and I felt lucky to be a part of the group. Surely, brothers who were actively racing towards gaining knowledge from their teachers had passed the proverbial gate of maturation into manhood!

“Act like men? Huh?”

“The sisters would be interested, if they noticed any guys who would act mature. The main complaint I’m hearing on the girls’ side is that the guys aren’t acting like candidates that the girls would be interested in. For example, today when the shaykh mentioned the phrase “second wife,” the brothers started giggling and high-ﬁving like...boys! Just watch for the next couple of days and tell me what you think.”

And so the Achilles heel of the situation was revealed; the sisters’ allergic reaction to polygamist tendencies.

I had decided to take my wife up on her suggestion and keep an eye on the personalities of the brothers as a group, particular when any topic of marriage was discussed, monogamist or polygamist.

Surely enough, as the days went on, I noticed precisely what my wife was saying. At any point during the seminar when any word or phrase that had a relation to having one or more than one wife was mentioned, there would be at least a small group of brothers who would make a smart comment, completing their ritualistic statements with some sort of testosterone-ﬁlled body gesture, whether it be a ﬁst-pump, a high ﬁve, or simply a ﬁst raised in the air (as though on an Olympic medal podium of the 1948 summer games). And then it dawned on me, as did many things in this blessed past year of marriage, the perspective from the “other” side. My wife had shed some light on the situation from the point of view of the sisters, and, as a public service (read: sadaqah jaariyah), I’d like to share some advices in regards to that utopian vision many of you may have.

Be Real

For those of you who are single, a quick math refresher: you have to have one before you can have two! It’s fine if you genuinely and truly want more than one wife in this life (for the right reasons) - some guys do, and are actively looking for it. But realize that you, single brother, haven’t even experienced what marriage is like, yet. You haven’t felt the responsibility of maintaining a wife and a family - it is quite a handful, though the work doesn’t mean it’s not enjoyable. See if you can handle having one wife first, insha Allah, before you decide that having two is a piece of cake. Who knows, you may find the allure of having multiple wives not so strong when you get married for the first (and probably only) time.

It’s Hurting Your Game

Now, since we’ve established that getting married is a goal for you, brother, maybe taking a look at how these actions of pseudo polygamist rhetoric affect your standing with the sisters could give you some insight into how to ﬁx your problem of involuntary singularity. As this article is bluntly stating, most sisters don’t enjoy the thought of their potential spouse scoping out their wedding for wife numero dos. If you’re serious about carrying out this particular Sunnah for your own personal reasons, then seek out sisters who are predisposed to accepting it as your lifestyle. But if you’re just doing it because the dream excites you or makes you feel “macho,” then drop the gig, because it’s not helping you, and is actually hurting your chances for finding Sr. Right.

Read the rest here: http://muslimmatters.org/2009/09/28/...ng-of-sisters/

**S_87** · 09-29-2009

Good read. i do see that a lot of brothers who say theyre gonna have more than one wife tend to be unmarried.

**Cabdullahi** · 09-29-2009

We are ultimately working to convince the ''slender frame'' to accept another ''slender frame'' but 2 slender frames will prove too much for the ''lame masculine''

**convert** · 09-29-2009

Originally Posted by amani

Good read. i do see that a lot of brothers who say theyre gonna have more than one wife tend to be unmarried.

I see a lot of brothers who only want 1 wife stay unmarried. That article is an absolute joke. As a male, I am embarrassed for the brother; it is obvious that he has allowed himself to be henpecked.

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 09-29-2009

^

I see a lot of brothers who only want 1 wife stay unmarried.

you need your eyes checked.

i thought the author was being considerate and sensitive...not many are willing to do when it comes to this topic. (not directed at you)

**convert** · 09-29-2009

Originally Posted by Umm ul-Shaheed

^
you need your eyes checked.

i thought the author was being considerate and sensitive...not many are willing to do when it comes to this topic. (not directed at you)

All I got out of that debacle was this:

"Hey folks, my wife says guys are immature. So stop being immature ok?" *wife pats him on the head like a good pet*

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 09-29-2009

^with all due respect, i think your male ego is talking.

**convert** · 09-29-2009

Originally Posted by Umm ul-Shaheed

^with all due respect, i think your male ego is talking.

Likewise, I think your feminine sensitivity is overwhelming you

But yes, as a man I find it very insulting when another male goes on a feminist trip like this. This article is overly-simplistic and pandering to women. Oh well, I guess its always the brothers' fault.:rolleyes:

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 09-29-2009

Originally Posted by convert

Likewise, I think your feminine sensitivity is overwhelming you

it may be, but i dont see how it makes the points he made invalid.

**convert** · 09-29-2009

I'm sorry but he is speaking on tertiary issues here. Women are unmarried because guys are immature? Come on now ukhti. Talk about pandering to an audience...

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 09-30-2009

^you might be actually surprised....polygamy is one of the ways in men can be immature... i wouldn't marry someone who is immature as im sure many other sisters (and brothers) wouldn't either.

**convert** · 09-30-2009

Originally Posted by Umm ul-Shaheed

^you might be actually surprised....polygamy is one of the ways in men can be immature... i wouldn't marry someone who is immature as im sure many other sisters (and brothers) wouldn't either.

Define "immature". keep in mind: emasculated pseudomales are not "mature".

**Silver Pearl** · 09-30-2009

convert-Though the article seems 'wrong' in the the eyes of brothers. That is very much how alot of sisters view this situation. While a guy may think this kind of behaviour by no means defines his masculinity or level of maturity, to sisters that is exactly what it shows.

I've known enough sisters who will shoot down a brother who starts getting all grin-ear-to-ear whenever polygamy is mentioned and their constant slogan of "Inshaa'Allaah I'm going to take on a second wife in the future'. What this says to the sister is "We aren't even married yet but I'm sure I'll feel incomplete somewhere down the line soon." And women don't want that insecurity. Why settle for him when she can find a brother who will be content with her, and only her?

So yes to brothers this seems absurd, over simplified and rooting for feminism but in reality, that is how women view the situation. The author stated the obvious and the sooner brothers get over this syndrome of "I want the second wife but I can't seem to get one," the better for both parties.

And Allaah knows best

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 09-30-2009

^good post...

Originally Posted by convert

Define "immature". keep in mind: emasculated pseudomales are not "mature".

tell me you dont think this is mature

For example, today when the shaykh mentioned the phrase “second wife,” the brothers started giggling and high-ﬁving like...boys! Just watch for the next couple of days and tell me what you think.”

and

One thing that I’ve learned from taking classes with different teachers on marriage and family life is that a man should never dangle a second wife over the first wife’s head as a threat or motivation to “do better.”

expecting a sister not to get distressed over things like this shows a degree of lack of maturity in itself.

secondly the author was just relating what his wife had told him. so, it maybe her opinions more then his...

and your comments about masculinity are rather disturbing. it seems you (and many other brothers as well) associate being a "man" with distressing sisters about polygamy...just because a guy has the "i can marry whoever i want and i dont care what my wife says, its her fault and problem for not accepting what allah has permitted

" attitude doesn't make him more of a man! (wth???)...this attitude seriously needs to go...get over yourselves.

and it would be funny to see a brothers reaction if polyandry was allowed. i wonder if the same song would be sung...

**convert** · 09-30-2009

Originally Posted by Umm ul-Shaheed

^good post...

tell me you dont think this is mature

and

expecting a sister not to get distressed over things like this shows a degree of lack of maturity in itself.

secondly the author was just relating what his wife had told him. so, it maybe her opinions more then his...

and your comments about masculinity are rather disturbing. it seems you (and many other brothers as well) associate being a "man" with distressing sisters about polygamy...just because a guy has the "i can marry whoever i want and i dont care what my wife says, its her fault and problem for not accepting what allah has permitted

" attitude doesn't make him more of a man! (wth???)...this attitude seriously needs to go...get over yourselves.

and it would be funny to see a brothers reaction if polyandry was allowed. i wonder if the same song would be sung...

ukhti, you don't know me. i am playing a serious devil's advocate here. my personal views on polygamy are that it should not even be considered until all the single males in a community are married.

newsflash to you ladies (sorry guys, im revealing a secret here): most guys do not want a second wife and make fun of guys who do.

however, there is a terrible problem in america today (i have harped on this LONG before i took shahadah) with masculinity and the erosion of gender identity/relations.

i do believe there is a terrible problem with masculinity in the united states with regards to masculinity and this article does nothing but prove my point. men who pander to the every whim and desire of a woman are not "mature" by any stretch of the imagination. they are weak, a disgrace, and are only attributing to the further "immaturity" (which does not include men cracking jokes... sorry ladies, we do that) of men in this society.

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 09-30-2009

^ok, i quit. whatever floats your boat. the point of the article is crystal clear for anyone who wishes to see it for what it is.

**Intisar** · 09-30-2009

Originally Posted by Maalik

My wife shrugged, “Not sure, and it’s not like they don’t want to get married, a lot of the sisters I’ve met are looking for a husband.” And then it dawned on me - the proverbial apple had dropped from Isaac’s tree and struck me on the head, pulling to the forefront of my mind, an amazing idea: “Why don’t the brothers and sisters here who are unmarried just marry each other!” It was so simple! I was on my way to becoming the matchmaker of the century, and had already began imagining my acceptance speech as the new president of Practimate.com

“The sisters would be interested, if they noticed any guys who would act mature. The main complaint I’m hearing on the girls’ side is that the guys aren’t acting like candidates that the girls would be interested in. For example, today when the shaykh mentioned the phrase “second wife,” the brothers started giggling and high-ﬁving like...boys! Just watch for the next couple of days and tell me what you think.”

I can totally relate to this. I mean, it's as if some brothers get a high from the mere mention of the two words...''second wife''. And it's usually the unmarried ones (by far). :rolleyes:

Be Real

For those of you who are single, a quick math refresher: you have to have one before you can have two! It’s fine if you genuinely and truly want more than one wife in this life (for the right reasons) - some guys do, and are actively looking for it. But realize that you, single brother, haven’t even experienced what marriage is like, yet. You haven’t felt the responsibility of maintaining a wife and a family - it is quite a handful, though the work doesn’t mean it’s not enjoyable. See if you can handle having one wife first, insha Allah, before you decide that having two is a piece of cake. Who knows, you may find the allure of having multiple wives not so strong when you get married for the first (and probably only) time.

It’s Hurting Your Game

Now, since we’ve established that getting married is a goal for you, brother, maybe taking a look at how these actions of pseudo polygamist rhetoric affect your standing with the sisters could give you some insight into how to ﬁx your problem of involuntary singularity. As this article is bluntly stating, most sisters don’t enjoy the thought of their potential spouse scoping out their wedding for wife numero dos. If you’re serious about carrying out this particular Sunnah for your own personal reasons, then seek out sisters who are predisposed to accepting it as your lifestyle. But if you’re just doing it because the dream excites you or makes you feel “macho,” then drop the gig, because it’s not helping you, and is actually hurting your chances for finding Sr. Right.

I totally agree with this!

I mean what sister in her right mind would feel happy if her husband mentioned the word ''second'' and ''wife'' to her? Seriously. And sometimes husbands say it as a joke or a threat, so as to make their wives work better. Which, btw, never works since it just hurts her feelings and makes her feel useless.

I mean seriously, is it the idea of just having more than one wife (and the fact that is merely ''halaal'') just so enticing that brothers have to fret over it every time marriage is mentioned or talked about?

Like the brother in the article said, before you think about marrying a second wife make sure you can maintain the first (as well as any children) and understand the responsibilities that come with it.

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 09-30-2009

Seriously. And sometimes husbands say it as a joke or a threat, so as to make their wives work better. Which, btw, never works since it just hurts her feelings and makes her feel useless.

ahh but what are you talking about sister, as long as it keeps her working, what do her feelings matter

**Intisar** · 09-30-2009

Originally Posted by Umm ul-Shaheed

ahh but what are you talking about sister, as long as it keeps her working, what do her feelings matter

Her feelings matter enough to make her stay in the marriage, lol.

**vlamrko** · 10-01-2009

lots of men everywhere have that problem, convert. it is common among them everywhere in the world.
if women do not like them then do not marry them. there are men who do not behave that way, find them. there's no need for an article to be written on the subject.