Help... I'm driving myself to a unhealthy path

First thing Sister, is to know it wasn't your fault what happened in the past. These men, both were simply evil and had no love or respect for you. Second, saying the Shahada and embracing with all your heart that there is only one God and Muhammad is His slave and messenger. Allah/God forgives all the past sins of whoever embraces Islam, and you come into Islam like a new born baby, clean and sin free.

If you are having difficulties coming to terms with what happened, seek professional aid, somebody to talk to. Pray to Allah to help and he will send guidance to you. As for finding a husband, don't despair. Inshallah (God willing) the right man will come and will complete you. It may not be as soon as you wish but better to wait longer and be with a good Muslim man who will cherish and honor you, than hurry and end up with somebody who is not worthy of you.

I often come across people who lose hope due to their previous sins. Some people have this idea that they could have been perfect had they not sinned earlier in their lives and now just because they made some big mistakes, they degrade their self-worth to such an extent they think 'hey, I'm already bad and I've already made big mistakes, I might as well go all the way and do all sorts of other sins'.

The truth is, even if we've done the worst sins there is no reason to lose hope. We can still become close to Allah and that too, overnight. We just need to draw a line over our mistakes and make sincere dua for forgiveness and guidance and strive to discontinue from sinning - that's not to say we will automatically become so strong that we won't sin again - we are sinful by nature, but we can strive to not let our sins drag us down. Each time we slip up, we should make an effort to rectify the wrong by asking for forgiveness which in itself is a good deed so in essence we'd be following up a bad deed by a good one. In fact, each time we feel regret over our sins, we'd be earning the pleasure (and inshaAllah reward, too) of Allah.

Don't lose hope of being good and remember, 'perfection' is just an illusion. We can never be perfect. Life is a journey and our experiences make us who we are. We shouldn't look back and think 'if only we had done this’ or ‘if only we had done that' but rather use our past experiences and learn from them, use them to try to better ourselves. With the blessing of hindsight, we know how we went wrong in the past and are in a better position to not let it happen again in future (even use it to benefit other younger people). The past is spilt milk. It's done and dusted but the present and future are still there for us to gain goodness from so don't let the past affect our future - that is a cunning trap of the shaytan.

Allah is All Merciful and his mercy is vast and he can forgive any and every sin if we repent. Don't let other people say anything that affects this for you. Don't let what you think other people might think of you for your sins affect this either. Their opinions are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. We will face Allah alone on the day of judgment and wouldn't care less of anything anyone else thinks so don't bother with it now either.

Build a strong relationship with Allah such that you become content with him and desire nothing but his pleasure and happiness and live your life based on that one goal, such that even if everything were to be taken away from you - your health, wealth, family, loved ones, you’d still remain content and such that even if the entire world were to be handed to you, you’d not find it of any real worth in comparison to the relationship with Allah that you enjoy.

The best way to build a relationship, in my opinion, is to make dua each night where you simply pour your heart out and talk to him. Ask for forgiveness and guidance and contentment and for him to look favourably at you and elevate your status and grant you a consciousness of him. Even better would be after two rakah non-obligatory salah.

Remember, there is always hope. Our lives are cyclical in nature. We’re either in a state of sin or in a state of goodness. We need our net balance of good to be greater than our balance of bad as that’s what matters most in the end. We can use our sins in our favour by repenting, as each time we think back to them and repent, we earn the favour of Allah. So, Alhamdulilah!

Thank you for all the replies, I am sorry it took forever to come back online and reply.. University has been keeping me busy as a bee!

I am better Alhamduillah, but the only problem I am having now, is that I keep thinking Allah doesn't love me... I had a muslim helper at the mosque tell me everything I am going through was because "Allah test those he loves"

But is this even considered a test? I feel like it was not a test, maybe it was... but I feel like I am not pure anymore.

Lastly I am interested in this man, he is perfert in my eyes... and the only problem is... I feel like he deserves better. I don't know his past beside having a relationship that ended and I didnt ask him... because I don't see a point... but all I can think is I am a bad person, no matter how much repenting I do I really makes me sad, especially during this holy month...

format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude

I often come across people who lose hope due to their previous sins. Some people have this idea that they could have been perfect had they not sinned earlier in their lives and now just because they made some big mistakes, they degrade their self-worth to such an extent they think 'hey, I'm already bad and I've already made big mistakes, I might as well go all the way and do all sorts of other sins'.

The truth is, even if we've done the worst sins there is no reason to lose hope. We can still become close to Allah and that too, overnight. We just need to draw a line over our mistakes and make sincere dua for forgiveness and guidance and strive to discontinue from sinning - that's not to say we will automatically become so strong that we won't sin again - we are sinful by nature, but we can strive to not let our sins drag us down. Each time we slip up, we should make an effort to rectify the wrong by asking for forgiveness which in itself is a good deed so in essence we'd be following up a bad deed by a good one. In fact, each time we feel regret over our sins, we'd be earning the pleasure (and inshaAllah reward, too) of Allah.

Don't lose hope of being good and remember, 'perfection' is just an illusion. We can never be perfect. Life is a journey and our experiences make us who we are. We shouldn't look back and think 'if only we had done this’ or ‘if only we had done that' but rather use our past experiences and learn from them, use them to try to better ourselves. With the blessing of hindsight, we know how we went wrong in the past and are in a better position to not let it happen again in future (even use it to benefit other younger people). The past is spilt milk. It's done and dusted but the present and future are still there for us to gain goodness from so don't let the past affect our future - that is a cunning trap of the shaytan.

Allah is All Merciful and his mercy is vast and he can forgive any and every sin if we repent. Don't let other people say anything that affects this for you. Don't let what you think other people might think of you for your sins affect this either. Their opinions are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. We will face Allah alone on the day of judgment and wouldn't care less of anything anyone else thinks so don't bother with it now either.

Build a strong relationship with Allah such that you become content with him and desire nothing but his pleasure and happiness and live your life based on that one goal, such that even if everything were to be taken away from you - your health, wealth, family, loved ones, you’d still remain content and such that even if the entire world were to be handed to you, you’d not find it of any real worth in comparison to the relationship with Allah that you enjoy.

The best way to build a relationship, in my opinion, is to make dua each night where you simply pour your heart out and talk to him. Ask for forgiveness and guidance and contentment and for him to look favourably at you and elevate your status and grant you a consciousness of him. Even better would be after two rakah non-obligatory salah.

Remember, there is always hope. Our lives are cyclical in nature. We’re either in a state of sin or in a state of goodness. We need our net balance of good to be greater than our balance of bad as that’s what matters most in the end. We can use our sins in our favour by repenting, as each time we think back to them and repent, we earn the favour of Allah. So, Alhamdulilah!

format_quote Originally Posted by dqsunday

Allah/God forgives all the past sins of whoever embraces Islam, and you come into Islam like a new born baby, clean and sin free.

This makes me feel happy, but I feel like ehat happened in the past, I feel like it never will leave my life... I feel like I am a bad person, and I don't deserve a this good man (who is as well interested in me), no matter how good my heart is... I feel like when I get married it may cure this hurt, but than again I think what if I always feel guilty and I go crazy?!

I just feel like I am no good, and I feel like my sins will alway be there! I don't feel like innocent person.

thanks for the reply....
I just dint know how to live myself anymore. I dint feel like a righteous person anymore.
I feel like I don't deserve a.righteous man...
if I didnt get raped.i wouldn't have been in this place, I wouldn't have been vulnerable, why am I so hurt I can't stop this.saddeness

Assalamu-alaikum my dear sister,

JazakAllah khayrun for sharing your experiences with us, and seeking help in this matter.


Dear ukthi, we have ALL committed sins in the past, and we will continue to make mistakes in our future.
Such is the nature of man.
With the exception of the ambiyaa (alaihi salaam), there is no human, past maturity, that is completely flawless, free from sin and 'pure' of every possible vice that exists.
We need to accept this fact, or else this can weigh us down trememdously.

However, of importance, is that once we recognise that we haven fallen into sin and that we have transgressed the commands of Allah (subhanawatáala) -

- we turn away from it,
- we are remorseful and regretful,
- we are full of sorrow for ever displeasing Allah Taa'la,
- we shed tears and beg of our Creators mercy and forgiveness,
- and we have sincere intent never to repeat this mistake again.

Once we have made sincere tauba (repentance) - it is encumbent on us, as believers, to have faith in the mercy of Allah.
His mercy surpasses all.
And He dearly wants to forgive us.
He dearly wants us to turn back to Him.
He dearly wants the best for us.
He dearly wants us to be saved from the fires of Jahannum.

We need to believe this - implicitly.

It may be difficult for us to forgive ourselves - and sometimes this may be a good thing, as it means that we are so remorseful, that we will never consider falling into similiar error again.

However, reflect on the words of our Rabb:

“Say: O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (39:53);

“Will they not repent to Allah and ask His forgiveness? For Allah is the Forgiving, the Merciful". (5:74)

“And who can forgive sins except Allah?” (3:135);

“And those who, when they commit a lewd act or wrong themselves with evil, remember Allah and ask forgiveness for their sins and who forgives sins except Allah? And they do not persist in what (wrong) they were doing while they knew it. For such, the reward is forgiveness from their Lord and Gardens with rivers flowing through, wherein they shall abide forever. How excellent is the reward of the doers (of good)!” (3:135-136).


Allah says,
"O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind.
O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you.
O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it." (Tirmidhi)


So, dont be so hard on yourself.
Allah (subhanawatála) knows whats in your heart. And He knows your deepest thoughts and emotions.

And the fact that you are still here - alive and breathing - means that Allah, in His great mercy, is giving you the chance to TURN to Him.
Do you realise that if Allah so wished - He could have snatched your life away, there and then - in the moments that you now regret.
It is His MERCY that He has afforded you, and us all, so many opportunities to make amends.
To leave the past behind, and turn our lives around.

When we take our final breathe - this opportunity will forever be lost.
NOW is the time to make the most of the bounties that Allah has blessed us with - and dedicate our lives in His obedience.

Finally, dear ukthi -

Do realise that our past does not define our future.

Remember the lives of the sahaba?
They lived a life of wine and women, and a culture so far removed from any sense of morality.
Yet, they became the most beloved to the prophet (sallahu alaihi wasalam), a guide for us all and the promise of Jannah.

Even some of the greatest enemies of the prophet (sallahu alaihi wasalam) - who inflicted the greatest amounts of pain upon him, his family and the muslims - took shahada from his blessed lips, and have been forgiven! (e.g Abu Jahal and so many others)

SubhanAllah!

Do not despair ukthi.

It is Ramadaan.
Occupy yourself in the remembrance of Allah (subhanawatála)
And put this past, for once and all, behind you - were it belongs.

A brighter future awaits, insha Allah : )

format_quote Originally Posted by ~Zaria~

With the exception of the ambiyaa (alaihi salaam), there is no human, past maturity, that is completely flawless, free from sin and 'pure' of every possible vice that exists.
We need to accept this fact, or else this can weigh us down trememdously.

Salaam Sister Zaria,

This quote is very true... it is just hard for me to remember and not be so very hard on myself...

format_quote Originally Posted by ~Zaria~

we turn away from it,
- we are remorseful and regretful,
- we are full of sorrow for ever displeasing Allah Taa'la,
- we shed tears and beg of our Creators mercy and forgiveness,
- and we have sincere intent never to repeat this mistake again.

Actually everything quoted above is everything I felt and feel, Alhamduillah I guess I am on the right path but I just can't see it? I am not sure? I think I am very difficult on myself and It is so hard to forgive myself.

format_quote Originally Posted by ~Zaria~

Do realise that our past does not define our future

Thank you! This is something I have to print and hang on my wall so I see it everyday, and just thank Allah for the chance. I just don't know why I don't go to counseling for the the past (the trauma and hurt that has happened)...

I seriously need to just move on, but it is hard... well I moved on but hard on myself. :/

Ramadan Kareem dear sister Zaria!!! InshAllah you have a very blessed one!

format_quote Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim

ister, stop overthinking and start LISTENING

Haha, brother you are so right!!! I listen then despair months later... I do not know who to just move on and be happy since I am doing all a human can with repentance and InshAllah in Allah's eye's I am doing more..

Wa Alikim Asalaam brother, and Ramadan Kareem to you and your family... InshAllah you have a very bless one.

format_quote Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim

what everyone on this thread is saying is solid, but you are ignoring it

Wallah from the bottom of my heart I am not trying to ignore it, I listen and than I think I am bad months later... I just need to realize that the past doesn't define me... but I am super hard on myself... and sometimes it is not good because I start to think and get depressed again and I hate being sad since I love smiling and laughing and making jokes to make people laugh...

But I guess with the past... if you read my last post it has been very sad and hard for me... and I am trying to deal with is as much as possible. But it was really transmitting and I just hope for now on I can be happy... I am just trying to sort my feeling and unanswered questions out..

The thing is I always "google" a question and I feel bad after wards... Like a righteous women is one who hasn't had any experiences and I think, is rape an experiences that makes me un-pure? or not righteous? Like I think with I should have done this... but Wallah I had no control over a situation that was just tragic. I am alive that is all I can say, and I am so thankful I survived. I guess what I am trying to say is; would a good muslim man want to marry me?! I feel like it maybe no...

Oh is rape a sin, and is it a sin if the "sins" you made were because of the rape? as in you were in a bad time in life?

format_quote Originally Posted by Scimitar

I do not believe that Allah will punish anyone who acted wrongly because they were in an affected state of mind and heart, as you were. Your trust in life, was broken at an early age, and this has affected you... Allah keeps the account of those who transgressed, and I do not believe you are amongst those who transgressed from what you have shared with us.

This is my concern, always! I know my state of mind was off due to a tramatic event (that is NO excuse). But I do know that it was not me who acted the way I did... I felt like dying, I felt like who cares... life is miserable is what I was feeling... and I don't blame myself for feeling that way then, it was a very hard time.

ALthough I am still a virgin, and all... I just feel like no man deserve me for everything I have gone through... the rape... depression... you know!

InshALlah I will remember you when I feel sad, and remember all that has been said... and feel happy again... I pray for all of you!
Jazak Allah khair

There is an article that I think would help. It's called;

Why would Allah forgive a big sinner like me?


lt is reported by a trustworthy man of the past that as he was passing through a street he saw the door of a house open. A woman came out with a child who was crying and pleading while she was pushing him out. She left him outside the house and slammed the door shut in his face. The child left the door and walked a distance. Then he stopped, looked about, began to think, and not finding any other place but his own house where he could take shelter nor anyone who would care for him as his mother would, he returned to his house dejected, sad. He found the door shut. He sat at the sill, put his cheek on the threshold and slept with tear marks on his cheeks. He was in this state when the mother opened the door. When she saw him in this state she could not control herself. She bent down, grabbed him to her bosom, began to kiss him and say in tears: "Oh my boy! My dear child! My very soul! Where were you? Didn't I tell you not to disobey me? Do my bidding, and don't force me to punish you, while I hate to do that." Then she carried the child back and closed the door behind her.

That is the story of a mother and a child: the story of disobedience, punishment, return, forgiveness and unbound love. But the Prophet, salla Allah u alihi wa sallam, has told us that: "Allah loves His creation more than a woman does her child." In fact, there is no comparison between the love of a mother for her child and that of Allah whose Mercy encompasses everything. Allah, azza wa jall, is immensely pleased with a man when he repents and turns to Him. And we shall never be deprived of anything by a Lord who is more pleased with the repenting man, than that man..

"..who was traveling through an arid land. He dismounted and took shelter under a tree seeking some rest. He lay there with his beast, loaded with food and water, at his side. But when he awoke, lo! The beast was gone! He began to search for it frantically. He climbed a hill but couldn't see a trace of it. He climbed another hill and still no trace of it. Finally, when hunger and thirst overtook him, he said, 'Let me go back to the tree, and lay down there until death overtakes me.' So he went back to the tree, and lay there with eyes closed - in total despair. And lo! As he opened his eyes and raised his head, there the beast was, right before his very eyes, with all the food and water loaded on it intact! He rushed to it and picked up its halter. (Can you imagine his happiness) But lo! Allah is happier with a man when he turns to Him seeking His forgiveness, than the man who found his beast when he had lost all hopes."

Know it, my dear brother, that true repentance of every sin also brings with it humility and devotion to Allah, and that pleading of a penitent is very dear to Allah. So that what follows after repentance is obedience of a greater degree to the extent that sometimes Satan regrets that he enticed him into that sin at all. That is why you will see that those who repent become very much changed personalities.

Allah does not abandon a man who comes to Him a penitent. Compare the situation with that of a father who used to look after his son with great love and care, providing him with the best of clothing, food and toys. Then one day the father sent him on an errand. But, as the boy was walking an enemy took hold of him, tied him and carried him away to the land of the enemies. There his master treated him exactly in the opposite manner. So that whenever the boy remembered his father and his treatment, his eyes swelled with tears, and the heart with pain. He was in this condition of ill-treatment at the hands of his enemies, when their caravan happened to pass by his father's place again. As he looked around he found his father standing nearby. He ran to him and threw himself at him crying "My father! My very father!". His master followed him and was trying to pull him away, but the boy clung to his father, refusing to let him go. What do you think of this father? Do you think he will abandon him to the enemy, refusing to take back the child? If not, then what is your opinion of the Lord whose love of His creation is greater than the love of a father for his child? When a slave of His runs away from his enemies, and throws himself at the threshold of His door, rolling down in dust before him, saying: "O my Lord! Have mercy upon him who has no one to show Mercy save You, no Helper save you, no refuge save You, no Savior save You, I am Your slave, in Your need, dependent on You, beggar at Your door, You are the refuge, with You is the shelter, there is refuge but with You, nor escape from You except to You" then surely the Lord is not going to turn him back empty handed.

Come along then. On to the good deeds, to virtuous living, in the company of the righteous, steering yourself safe from deviations after the right direction, and misguidance after guidance. And Allah is with you.

Also having access to free Islamic books may help you greatly so here is a link I saw awhile back:

************************************************** ************************************************** *************


As far as feeling sad. There is an article about why Muslims are not encouraged to feel sad:

"May the Peace and Blessings of Allah be Upon You"

Praise be to Allaah, we seek His help and His forgiveness. We seek refuge with
Allaah from the evil of our own souls and from our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allaah
guides will never be led astray, and whomsoever Allaah leaves astray, no one can
guide. I bear witness that there is no god but Allaah, and I bear witness that
Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.


Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam 'ala Rasulillah
As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu



Being SAD is NOT Encouraged In Our Religion


So do not become weak [against your enemy, nor be sad... (Quran 3: 139)

And grieve not over them, and be not distressed because of what they plot.(Quran
16: 127)

Be not sad, surely Allah is with us. (Quran 9: 40)

Referring to true believers, Allah informs us that:
Upon such shall come no fear, nor shall they grieve. (Quran 2: 38)

Sadness
enervates the souls will to act and paralyzes the body into
inactivity. Sadness prevents one from action instead of compelling one
towards it. The heart benefits nothing through grief the most beloved
thing to the Devil is to make the worshiper sad in order to prevent him
from continuing on his path.

Allah, the Exalted, says:

*Secret
counsels [conspiracies] are only from Shaytaan [Satan], in order that he may
cause grief to the believers. (Quran 58: 10)

In the following hadith, the Prophet (bpuh) said:

"In a company of three, it is forbidden for two to hold secret counsel to
the exclusion of the third, since doing so will be a cause of sadness
for him."

Contrary to what some believe (those who have an
extreme ascetic bent); the believer should not seek out sadness, because
sadness is a harmful condition that afflicts the soul.The Muslim must
repel sadness and fight it in any way that is permissible in our
Religion.



There is no real benefit to sadness; the Prophet
(bpuh) sought refuge from it in the following supplication: "O Allah, I seek
refuge in you from anxiety and grief."

Grief is coupled
with anxiety in this hadith. The difference between the two is that if a
bad feeling is related to what is going to happen in the future. Then
one is feeling anxiety. And if the cause of this feeling concerns the
past, then one is feeling grief both of them weaken the heart, causing
inactivity and a decrease in will power.

Despite what has been
mentioned above, grief may sometimes be both inevitable and necessary.
When they enter Paradise, its dwellers will say:All the praises and
thanks be to Allah, Who has removed from us [all] grief. (Quran 35: 34)


This
verse implies that they were afflicted with grief in this life, just as
they were afflicted with other forms of hardship, both of which were
out of their control. So whenever one is overcome by grief and there is
no way to avoid it, one is rewarded, because grief is a form of
hardship, and the believer is rewarded for going through hardship.
Nonetheless, the believer must ward off grief with supplication and
other practical means.



"Whatever befalls the believer in terms of anxiety, hardship or grief, Allah
will remove his sin"

It
indicates that grief is a trial with which the believer is afflicted,
and through which some of his sins are atoned for. However, it does not
indicate that grief is something to be sought after; the believer should
not seek out means of finding grief, thinking that he is performing an
act of worship.

And as for the alleged hadith, "Verily, Allah loves all sad hearts," the chain
of its narrators is unknown, so it is not an authentic hadith, especially in
view of the fact that the basic
principles of our religion are contrary to it.



In this
verse, Allah says of his Prophet Israaeel (Israel):And he lost his
sight because of the sorrow that he was suppressing. (Quran 12: 84)

Here
we are informed of his grief over losing his beloved son. Simply
informing about something does not in itself signify either approval or
disapproval of that thing. The fact is that we have been ordered to seek
refuge from sadness, as it is a heavy cloud that hangs above its
victim, and is a barrier that prevents one from advancing to higher
aims.


There is no doubt that sadness is a trial and a hardship,
and is in some ways similar to sickness. However, it is not a stage,
level, or condition that the pious should actively seek out.








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