Stigma of Divorce- my rant of the day

sadly it's not a problem only with men . Women members in a family won't approve the idea that their sons, brothers will marry a widow or divorced lady . They will prefer an young , unmarried lady and will make pressure on him about it.


I know a man who got married to a divorced lady with 2 kids. His mom did not accept his wife yet - it's more than 15 years now.

format_quote Originally Posted by Strivingpath

Asalaamu Alaaikum

I absolutely detest the way women who are divorced are stigmatised by our society. Men are in constant search of young gorgeous women and when they do dump them- they magically become too unattractive to be considered for marriage again, and God forbid, they have little bundle of joy to raise. They are left to raise them on their own, while their fathers pluck another new flower to, well, de-flower and the cycle continues with some of these men. And then we wonder where are our men to rescue this ummaah? Where are Umar ibn Khattabs, and Salahuddin of this ummah? Half are busy with these cycles, and the other half have been raised by single mothers many of whom don't have the capacity to raise great men all on their own.

End of my rant. Sorry. I know there are great men out there as well- but I'm so tired of hearing these stories and never seeing any change in how we think. Back in the day- a woman got married whenever she was single. Whether she had kids or not, it wasn't a big deal. Think about it. In the Quraan, Allaah mentions an exception when a man can hint for marriage, at a woman who is in iddah, as long as the iddah is for a irrevocable divorce. Meaning even before her iddah is done, there could be men vying for her attention, so a man can hint before it even ends so that he can 'save' his spot. Allaah mentions in Surah tahreem that if Aisha and Hafsa (ra) don't repent, He will replace them with wives who are righteous, from the virgins and previously married women. Why mention that? Because subhanAllaah, righteousness isn't limited to a woman never married. I just don't understand why men are obsessed with something that doesn't even make sense? A divorced woman can be just as attractive and keep you just as happy as a single woman.

nice rant utkhi!:bravo:

and i'd settle for just 1 Umr ibn al Khattab!

I absolutely detest the way women who are divorced are stigmatised by our society. Men are in constant search of young gorgeous women and when they do dump them- they magically become too unattractive to be considered for marriage again, and God forbid, they have little bundle of joy to raise. They are left to raise them on their own, while their fathers pluck another new flower to, well, de-flower and the cycle continues with some of these men. And then we wonder where are our men to rescue this ummaah? Where are Umar ibn Khattabs, and Salahuddin of this ummah? Half are busy with these cycles, and the other half have been raised by single mothers many of whom don't have the capacity to raise great men all on their own.

I'm sorry you seem like you had a really bad day, but it's not fair to think that unmarried women should be disregarded in favor of previously married ones just on the term of their presumed 'attractiveness'. A man who is 'dying' for a woman's attention usually shows interest to arrange the right settings for him to marry her . I notice you also made a gross generalization claiming that '[all] men are in constant search of young 'gorgeous' women'-which men?. Who are they exactly? and do they spend literally all their time in the hunt for these women?. Are these men even Muslim to begin with?. Secondly you said dump them and not divorce which indicates that the nature of relationships these men have with these women are most likely outside of acceptable Islamic guidelines.

Marriage is a serious issue, it's really central in a marriage that both sides involved share a sense of commitment. As with many marriages today most marriage that are based on physical desires and lust do not last long, it's a given. Attraction (which is a relative thing defined individually) is not just about looks, for some cases looks maybe the gateway to a marriage but appearances and wealth surely do not guarantee that a marriage will last. Marriages become more solid when both partners appreciate the individual collectively and accept that everyone has flaws and is willing to work and communicate effectively throughout the marriage. Besides in Islamic courts most divorce procedures need a liable and validate reason for the divorce to be issued or even granted at all. There has to be some kind of major flaw in that person (this goes for both sides) for someone to consider the option of divorce. Maybe they just weren't compatible.

Another thing, in Islam divorced women are never responsible for raising up the children. In fact, all if not most of the time the man bears full custody and responsibility for raising the children along with all the financial aid bound for him to provide. So most of the time the woman actually does not have to go through the 'burden' of being a single mother (single or not though, they're her children, why would she begrudge raising her own flesh and blood just because their father is not with them anymore, are they not entitled to maternal nourishment?). I think it's just not very nice that some women have to be so selfish and decide that their children are not their responsibility or are priority anymore because they're marriages have failed and their dreams of a fairy tale family have supposedly vanished because a man divorced her. It's selfish and that kind of attitude would put anyone off (man or woman) from considering marrying someone who holds those beliefs.

About the stigma of divorce, contrary to what you may think, it's not only divorced women who are facing this problem but divorced men as well. Society in general tends to blame the divrocee for the failure of the marriage accusing him/her of not being competent enough or qualified enough to begin with. These sentiments are usually expressed with remarks on how they probably weren't marriage material to begin with and so I think both sides get the fair share of social 'disfavor'. However, I believe my last sentence is more a stereotype, I can't really speak for anyone but myself and what I say is purely based on the life experiences I had. I am unmarried and relatively young of age and I would probably think more than twice before I would seriously consider marrying a divorced man regardless of how 'attractive' he is (the only aspect it seems you recognize for him to be acceptable in everyone else's eyes) or his social standing probably due to a couple of reasons. 1. The baggage that comes along with his previous marriage. 2. It's hard enough for couples who weren't/aren't previously married to get along there will always be a sense of doubts. Unmarried people are/will be hesitant to marry divorced people, it's also because society has changed and people's views on life has changed we don't live in the time of Umar RA and so consequently people's attitudes towards these matter have changed as well. I'm not saying it's a good thing but it probably has to do with wanting to avoid as much trouble and discomfort as possible and not wanting to get out of our comfort zones.

I honestly think that people who are divorced should lower their expectations and settle for someone who will accept them as spouse.
Thinking that your looks or money should be good enough reasons that automatically entitle you to marriage is just pure conceit and self-illusion. Life isn't that way, your looks are not what will make people want to live the rest of their lives with you, it's *who you are* and how well you treat them and proving that you're more than just a physical object. What about your intellect?, your passions?, your hobbies?, your outlook on life?, are you a positive person? and most importantly your relationship with Allah, do you observe all your prayers and fasting?, do you opt to increase your faith in Allah through actions not only words? and so on. I think it would also pay if people who are divorced lowered their expectation and accepted reality and settle down for similarly divorced individuals or single parents. They might relate better to each other than marrying a person who hasn't been married before.

Finally on that note I think it is unwise to marry someone because of their 'gorgeousness' especially when you don't know enough about that person or are not sure how the outcome of your marriage will be. It's kind of like when you were a little girl and bought this most lovely doll you saw displayed in the highest roof of the toys shop and were so intensely obsessed with her in the beginning but as days went but your interest in her and your fascination with her slowly disappeared until you no longer saw her necessary and replaced her with another toy and she ended up thrown away mostly tattered and neglected. But when you marry someone you deeply appreciate as a person not a picture it's kind of like that book you always loved reading and no matter how yellowed or torn apart it's pages are you still cherish it very much and use it in your company on a peaceful starry night or a sunny afternoon because you very well know how profound and valuable a book it is making it the more harder for you to throw it away. We all age as humans anyway, at some point in our lives we will lose our health and glowing skin probably in turn of saggy wrinkled ones anyway, if we do actually live that long anyway, even then our bodies will end up 6 meters under ground and most likely will be the feast for bugs and insects.