During my first trip to Makkah, as a 24-year-old, I met an inspirational mother of one, who eleven years after giving birth to her first child, desperately wanted another baby.
Three years after going through a divorce, I too, was desperate – to get married again.
When I told this sister about the feelings of disillusionment and loneliness I was experiencing, she told me how she was addressing her need during her time in this blessed city, and advised me to do the same. She told me that in every step she took during her pilgrimage, she would fervently make du’aa to Allah, asking Him to Bless her with another child. She said she did this during tawaaf, between Safaa and Marwa, everywhere she went, she reminded herself to make this du’aa, and she suggested that I implore Allah in a similar manner.
I left the sister’s hotel room, with a spring in my step, on a similar mission.
Everywhere I went, I begged Allah to Bless me with a husband: ‘Oh Allah Grant me a husband who is a haafidh,’ ‘Oh Allah, Bless me with a husband who loves knowledge and is actively seeking it,’ ‘Oh Allah, Bless me with a husband who is willing to give up his life in Your Path.’
I didn’t want to return home, to live the unfulfilling and empty life I felt I had been living, and poured these feelings out in my prayers, crying my heart out every step of the way.
When I returned to South Africa, I received a call from a relative, who told me she wanted to introduce me to a brother who had memorized the Qur’aan and who was actively studying the Deen. Excited that Allah had answered my prayers, I immediately agreed to the introduction.
Well, I met the brother, I prayed Salaatul Istikhaarah, and you know what? I didn’t end up marrying him.
After three years of not having being introduced to marital prospects, after Hajj I suddenly found myself inundated with calls from friends and family eager for me to meet brothers they felt I would be compatible with.
I met them all. And I did not end up married to any of them.
You see, our Merciful Rabb was showing me that the time wasn’t quite right for me to marry, that though there were hundreds of brothers in the world who possessed the criteria I was looking for, they were not necessarily the marriage partners He had destined for me, nor was the time right for me to marry. When the time was appropriate for me to marry, in His Divine Estimate, not in my limited understanding thereof, He would bring the right person into my life.
Uplifted by this realization, I re-motivated myself, and re-channeled my energy. I continued making du’aa for marriage yes, and I didn’t stop making an effort towards meeting prospective husbands, but it was no longer the obsession it had become, the yardstick by which I had measured fulfillment. I sought fulfillment in other ways, immersing myself in teaching Islam to women and teenage girls, publishing Islamic reading material, working for Islamic radio stations and engaging in other forms of da’wah.
You’re probably waiting for the part where I tell you about my happy ending – that, a few years later I met the man who had everything I wanted and more, and we got married and lived happily ever after.
But dear sister, influenced by the West, we attach different meanings to concepts which Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta’ala has already defined, in the Qur’aan and through the teachings of Rasoolullaah sallallahu alayhi wassallam. Happiness doesn’t start and end with getting the guy you want and living a life of bliss with him. Happiness is about passing the tests we are faced with in this world, remaining firm on our faith in spite of these tests and presently ourselves to Allah on the Day of Qiyaamah, rich in good deeds.
I did get married, yes. But again, it didn’t work out.
So I’m living the ‘single life’ again. And dear sister, it isn’t half as bad as people sometimes make it out to be.
Of course I want to get married again. And if anyone out there is unmarried, of course, you too, should want to marry and make an effort in this respect. For did not the Rasool of Allah Sallallahu alayhi wassallam tell us, ‘Marriage is a sunnah (way) of mine, and whoever does not follow my Sunnah is not of my followers. Get married because I will display your outnumbering the other nations on the Day of Resurrection. Whoever has wealth should get married, and whoever does not should fast, because fasting is a restraint (of desire) for him.’ (Ibn Maajah, authenticated by Al-Albaanee)
And this beautiful union has undeniable benefits. Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta’ala has told us in the Qur’aan: ‘And among His signs is that He created for you, from yourselves, spouses that you may dwell (in joy and security) unto them, and He set between you love and mercy; surely in that are signs for those who reflect.’ (Surah Ar-Room 30:21)
And: ‘They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them.’ (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187)
But having said that, we have to remember that just like marriage is an integral part of faith, so too is exercising trust and patience in the decree of Allah.
People may say that you and I are not married because we are too fussy, or difficult to get along with, etc. etc. and perhaps we can analyze what they are saying and if we conclude that they are correct, then we can work hard towards rectifying that aspect of our character for the Pleasure of Allah. But having done that, we have to realize, that ultimately, we are not married because Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta’ala has Willed for us to be single at this point in time.
Now we have a choice. Either we can lose sleep over it, beat ourselves up every day, and feel really sorry for ourselves.
Or we can recognize that the time we have on our hands is a gift from Allah, an amaanah, not to be wasted in counter-productive thoughts and futile tears and fears.
And we can start spending this time beneficially, by engaging in activities which our married sisters might not always be able to enjoy: seeking knowledge, being active in da’wah, volunteering our time to organizations which serve the poor and aged, spending quality time with our parents, babysitting for our married friends so they can spend some time engaging in these activities, the list goes on and on.
And this my dear sister, is how the single life should be lived. If Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta’ala Wills, somewhere in the midst of living and reveling in the joy and fulfillment such a life brings, Mr. Right will come along. And if he doesn’t, so what? Perhaps he will be waiting for you in Jannah, a reward for the patience you exercised in this transient world!
Being unmarried undeniably comes with its challenges, just like marriage does. But it isn’t the end of the world. And it shouldn’t be. So get up, take a deep breath, hand this affair over to Allah, and start living the life He has given you! ♥
Beautiful, my favorite part:"Mr. Right will come along. And if he doesn’t, so what? Perhaps he will be waiting for you in Jannah, a reward for the patience you exercised in this transient world!" (y)
It is a very lonely life being on your own. The western world that we live in teaches you to be independent and allows both men and women to work.
We work and we lead our separate lives. Together living with families but doing our own individual activities. There's no togetherness and no unity left anymore.
My problem is i over-analyse - i think and think and it leaves me with not being able to make important decisions in my life. I'm very indecisive and i wish this was something that i was good at - making decisions.
May Allah swa help us all Ameen.
Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.
Mr. Right will come along. And if he doesn’t, so what?
One thing that made me grateful in my life was easiness which I had when I was looking for life partner. I didn't need to be bothered to find someone and convince her to accept me. But I just accepted someone who I knew was willing to be my life partner.
And actually the secret behind this success was because I did not expect Miss Right.
There's an important lesson about love and marriage that I've learned since I was kid. Getting married is different than buying clothe. If I want to buy clothe I could go to a store, select a clothe that I like, pay, and this clothe is belong to me now. But if I want to get married, could I select a woman like I select a clothe?. No! I might be interested to marry a woman, but if she was not willing to accept me, how could I marry her?.
Then I heard a beneficial advice about love which came from women. Here the advice: "Rather than you expect a man who you love, it's better you accept a man who love you".
It made me thinking. Hmmm, .... that's right! If I interested to a woman, maybe I could get her after I convince and seduce her. But will she really loves me?. How if she accept me just because she feel pity, and then she change her mind again?. But if someone interested to me, so it would be easier for her to accept my disadvantage.
So, instead of hunting to get Miss Right, I just accepted someone who saw me as Mr. Right.
Imagine if I was obsessed to get Miss Right. I would be in competition with other guys, and very possible I would be rejected few or many times before I could get my Miss Right, if I was lucky. Yes, if I was lucky. If I was unlucky I would never get married!
Now at sisters. Do you expect Mr. Right?. It’s not difficult to find Mr. Right. Just look around and you will find someone who meet your criteria of Mr. Right. But the question is, does he interested to marry you or not?.
So, sisters, rather than obsessed to Mr. Right who maybe will never come, it’s better you accept someone who see you as Miss Right. If you can love him too, later he will become your Mr. Right who makes you happy with him.
And you will become Miss Right, if people have positive impression on you which people sure that you are potential to be a good wife.
Don't worry if you are not physically beautiful. Not every man obsessed to physical beauty. Even the man who is potential to be good husband is a man who prefer to look at inner beauty, rather than outer beauty.
So, sisters, rather than obsessed to Mr. Right who maybe will never come, it’s better you accept someone who see you as Miss Right. If you can love him too, later he will become your Mr. Right who makes you happy with him.
I just want to point out, I am sure its common sense and you already have it in your mind. Not every man that sees a Miss right is suitable. A girl just cannot accept anyone who sees her as Miss right! That's like saying accept anyone. Some guys are not worth this girl! The girl could be great while the guy not so, they obviously want to be with a great girl for different reasons such as being the one who has to do everything, being a slave to them etc. My sister accepted the first man who saw her as Miss right! he was so not right at all. It ended up in divorce. Someone who sees good does not necessary mean they practise good.
format_quote Originally Posted by ardianto
I know few unmarried women, and I found that all of them ever received marriage proposals. But they rejected these proposals.
Now they are still unmarried while the men who they ever rejected have been married with other women.
Its easy for a man to pick the wife they want especially if they own a lot of things, European passport, car, house etc. In our society some girls still do not have much say on who to choose for marriage. So most men can have anyone even if the girl is not interested in them. How do we not know that these men wives are happy with them? Maybe those women that refused are better off without marriage rather than having to accept them.
1) If you do not go after what you want, you will never have it
2) If you don't ask, the answer will always be no.
3) If you do not step forward, you'll always be in the same place
My problem is i over-analyse - i think and think and it leaves me with not being able to make important decisions in my life. I'm very indecisive and i wish this was something that i was good at - making decisions.
Sometimes I do this . . . no, I tell a lie, I did do this often. The root cause of this is fear of failure imo. So look at it from the other way round. What's the worst consequences over what is the desired result. Can I live with the worst result in the attempt of a chance for the desired end? If yes, then what 'resources do I have to ensure success? If I have a 'tick' on both points, Go For It.
Sometimes I do this . . . no, I tell a lie, I did do this often. The root cause of this is fear of failure imo. So look at it from the other way round. What's the worst consequences over what is the desired result. Can I live with the worst result in the attempt of a chance for the desired end? If yes, then what 'resources do I have to ensure success? If I have a 'tick' on both points, Go For It.
Amazing advice! Very thoughtful jazahka Allah.
Your very right - it is fear of failure. Very true. Scared to make a move in case i make the wrong decision.
My feelings and mind always seem to contradict each other as well. I think nafs and desires come from feeling and it's always wise to act on a decision which is thought about in the brain.
Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.
Ooops. Might be slightly out of context as we are talking about relationships, here...
But on another thread about 'partners' I did mention qualities in a person (aside from religious aspects). When I found, I dived in. That was 20+ years ago. It has been really challenging, rewarding, and in essence, you get what you put in. It becomes too easy to take each other for granted. Then, becoming a parent also is something totally different.
I just want to point out, I am sure its common sense and you already have it in your mind. Not every man that sees a Miss right is suitable. A girl just cannot accept anyone who sees her as Miss right! That's like saying accept anyone. Some guys are not worth this girl!
I didn't say a girl should accept anyone. She still should be selective to avoid her get wrong guy.
The point of my advice is, sisters should not be obsessed to a man who they see as Mr. Right because it can make them feel disappointed. I still remember disappointment of few girls who were obsessed to me when they realize they could not get me. One of them was even crying. Some of them felt this disappointment more than once because they were rejected by other Mr. Right too.
And the worst thing that can be happen if a woman obsessed to Mr. Right is, she can be obsessed to man who has been married. It's happened to me too. A girl was ever obsessed to me although she knew I had been married.
Yes, I was Mr. Right in the eyes of some girls. I knew it from their comments about me. So my advice was from the view of Mr. Right.
Mostly of women have their own criteria of ideal man, and when they see a man who meet their criteria, this man becomes Mr. Right in their eyes.
It's okay if a woman expect to get Mr. Right as her husband, but she should not to be obsessed with "I should get my Mr. Right". There are enough much women who still unmarried because this obsession. They reject men who they think are not Mr. Right, while Mr. Right himself never comes to them.
I do not suggest sisters to accept any man. My suggestion is, rather than obsessed to get Mr. Right who maybe will never come, it's better if sisters consider men who interested to marry them because probably those men can be good husbands. Of course, sisters should be selective too.
By the way, when I was young few aunties ever told me that their husbands were not Mr. Right in their eyes when the first time their husbands proposed marriage. But then those unties tried to consider and started to find some good things in men who later become their husbands. And they live happily.
format_quote Originally Posted by Nájlá
Its easy for a man to pick the wife they want especially if they own a lot of things, European passport, car, house etc. In our society some girls still do not have much say on who to choose for marriage. So most men can have anyone even if the girl is not interested in them. How do we not know that these men wives are happy with them? Maybe those women that refused are better off without marriage rather than having to accept them.
If the men who I mean in my post had car and house, probably they would not be rejected. But those men were poor, and far from handsome!
However, rejection did not make them lose their hope to have a wife, and finally they got married. I know it from people around me. Also I had met two of them, which one of them had become manager with good income. Yeah, we don't know what will happen to someone in the future. Poor man can be rich in the future, rich man can be poor in the future too.
Are their wives happy?. I don't know. But maybe those wives feel grateful because at least they can have a husband. Yes, the women who become their wives were not women who became favorite of men. That's why those women were not fussy in expecting a husband.
My problem is i over-analyse - i think and think and it leaves me with not being able to make important decisions in my life. I'm very indecisive and i wish this was something that i was good at - making decisions.
Decision to accept someone as life-partner is decision for life. You should be careful and thinking long when you make this decision. But you also should not be hesitate to make decision if you sure that the man who propose marriage is good enough.
The common mistake that people make in choosing is thinking that the next choice must be better. Often enough happen, a girl reject proposal from a man who actually good enough because she think, the next man who will come must be better. But then the next men who come are not better and even worse than the man who has been rejected.
Great article, thanks for sharing sister Muslim Woman.
Just a few of my thoughts:
1. Allah tests His servants in so many different ways.
We are able to realize this when we are tested by means of our health, wealth, loss in lives/ possessions.....yet when it comes to marriage, we EXPECT it to occur - at the 'right' time and with the 'right' person.
Its almost as if everyone "has to" pass through 'defined' stages in life: Childhood, schooling/ educative years, adulthood which includes marriage, employment and children, retirement and then death.
What we do not consider, is that just as Allah can test us WITHIN these stages of life.....so too, can He test us by either delaying a stage of life, or denying it completely.
e.g. Everyone will not make it to adulthood - some die young.
Everyone will not obtain an education, and they may struggle their entire lives seeking employment.
Everyone will not be blessed with children.
And in the same manner - everyone will not find marriage to the 'right person' at the 'right time' and 'live happily ever after'.
The delay/ denial/ dissolution of marriage, just like any other bounty in life, is a TEST.
One that we should accept from the wisdom of Allah - because Allah has chosen His tests for His servants selectively:
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286).
A test that Allah desires for us to be borne with patience (in other words, don't complain to others - complain to Allah alone) and perseverance (by means of duaa and making the correct effort).
And to remind oneself that:
Perhaps Allah is warding off a greater calamity by means of delaying marriage - e.g. from an abusive spouse, divorce, etc.
Perhaps Allah knows that by means of this test, the person is making so much duaa.....and without it, the person will be heedless/ not as devoted in ibaadat. And so, He withholds this blessing as a benefit to that persons imaan and connection to Allah.
Perhaps Allah is withholding this bounty, for something that is far greater in the aakhirah, in shaa Allah.
2. The single person is often accused by their family/ friends/ loved ones of being 'too fussy', and having turned down many 'good' suitors, they remain unmarried.
This argument bears little weight if:
- The person based his/ her decisions upon istikharaah.
- The most important criterion held when choosing a partner is his/ her piety (as mentioned in authentic hadith)
^ This does not mean that everyone seeks marriage to a hafidh/ hafidha, or a scholar in deen.....but if there are any concerns with a potential suitors current way of life, this should be sufficient reason to decline his/ her proposal.
This is not a sign of 'fussiness', but rather an indication of just how much importance the person places on deen, when making major life decisions.
3. There are many reasons for the 'epidemic' of divorce amongst our brothers and sisters today.
I think one of the most prevalent reasons is a lack of connection of either one/ both spouses with Allah, and when the commands of Allah are neglected within a home.
Marriage is not just a physical bond between two people.
More than this, it is a spiritual bond between the couple and Allah.
And when Allah does not feature prominently - either before or during the union of marriage, then He withdraws His mercy upon it.
To my unmarried brothers and sisters:
If you are making a sincere effort in living your life, truly seeking ALLAH's pleasure in ALL things, then in return, Allah will place such contentment and peace in your heart despite any test that you may face - including this.
When Allah becomes the GOAL, then the journey that we take towards Him - even it is short of a spouse, kids, perfect health, looks, wealth - starts to pale in comparison.
A few decades of living in this temporary world is NOTHING in comparison to an afterlife that is for eternity.
So, hold on, be patient and place your trust in Allah - you going to get there eventually!
True success is finding our Creator pleased with us, having passed the tests that He chose for us in this life.
too many looking for MR Right and Mr perfect, nobody wants Mr Humble and Simple.....
Humbleness and modesty are the things which can make a woman feel comfortable with a man and see him as Mr.Right. But it's depend on character and maturity of this woman.
There is no exact criteria of Mr.Right. Mr.Right for some women maybe is not Mr.Right for other women.
So, do not try to be Mr.Right like described by the medias. Just be yourself.
It is highly important to understand that good and bad, are not conditioned to like and dislike. The two cases are independent of each other, yet they can coexist in a single situation.
We can gauge the person, but we cannot ascertain his/her tomorrow personality. People do change, and that is undeniable reality. we have to accept the present person, and be willing to live with who they become tomorrow, upto bearable limits.
Having said that, I appreciate the fact that, lack of managing a conflict does more harm to families than conflict per se.
Didn't wanna start a new thread but here's a question for sisters: Say your family is friends with another family, who have a son similar in age to you. He's interested in marrying you... how would you prefer to be approached? Would you prefer the request coming formally from his parents to your parents? Orr.. would you prefer it coming, I guess more casually, from a girl (let's say his sister) to gauge your interest back.
‘Say: If the ocean were ink wherewith to write out the words of my Lord, sooner would the ocean be exhausted, even if We added another ocean like it.’~Al Qu'raan (18:109)
As the girl have not answered, my take is the guy must make the first move. He has to ask the girl. If it goes as planned then get the parents involved.
Didn't wanna start a new thread but here's a question for sisters: Say your family is friends with another family, who have a son similar in age to you. He's interested in marrying you... how would you prefer to be approached? Would you prefer the request coming formally from his parents to your parents? Orr.. would you prefer it coming, I guess more casually, from a girl (let's say his sister) to gauge your interest back.
In the above situation, parents to parents, definitely.
Stunningly beautiful adhaan from the Dome of the Rock in Masjid ul Aqsa Download (right click and choose "save target/link as").
This is a clear message for mankind in order that they may be warned thereby, and that they may know that He is only One God, and that those of understanding may take heed (14:52)
Indeed Allah knows, and you know not (16: 74, part)
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