Today i wanted to share something thats been bothering me a lot lately.
I am constantly reminded by all the suitors that I am not good enough coz I have brown/golden complexion.
Although I am very similar to my elder sisters in terms of features but I am a little darker in complexion when compared to them. My sisters have never had any issue with proposals and have got married AlhamdulliAllah.
So I have done my masters and I earn more than what most of the proposals ( through some marriage consultants )
are sent. I am passionate about cooking and very particular cleanliness. Most important of all i offer namaz 5 times a day and read Quran (though my Arabic is not that great) .
So the point I am trying to make is though I have got some qualities in me why is it that I am still not preferred by anyone. It makes me feel unwanted and not being worthy of any happiness.
When i was in college a lot of other faith people walked up to me to compliment me . I was complimented for a pretty face and for looking a lot younger than my actual age.
Now that my mom and brother have started looking for matches I am rejected almost all the time. Sometimes someone rejects by saying she is not fair and some reject by saying she is not tall enough. Once a lady rolled up her sleeves to tell my mom that she is looking for someone who is as fair as her arm. I felt humiliated in front of everyone.
My question if Allah has chosen this body and complexion for me then why I am being insulted and humiliated . Nobody even tries to know the qualities that i have and rejects me just coz of my complexion.
Allah says in Quran that we were made different so that we could be recognised then why all the difference.
Sadly the only discrimination I see coming is from Muslims not people of other faith.
I feel that I am not worthy of happiness and should give up on the idea of marriage (live all alone).
I am like the color of sand. It's cool to be that colour, makes me kinda unique and also, I'm more tolerable to heat than others (though more so than other Asians) which is a plus.
Though don't change so people like you, be yourself and the right people will love you
everything is a test and what we do with that test, learn to appreciate and we begin to see a light, not only in ourselves but also in others. Allah created us differently so we can get to know each other right? People are different, there are surely a hundred that love darker skin opposed to the other. Keep your high high and your chin strong. And have some sugar.
I pray this finds you well. Jazakillah khayr, dear sister, for raising a very important issue. Physical attraction Physical attraction is important in choosing a marriage partner, but not the most important quality. As a new mother, I can attest to you the importance of good character in a husband. When you have a screaming newborn who wakes you up in the middle of the night, a husband with fair skin will not help you if he is inconsiderate. On the other hand, a husband with dark skin and good character will sacrifice his sleep and help you tend to your baby. What about both? A husband with fair skin and good character? That would be pleasing to both you and the naysayers around you. However, this is the dunya, and there is no perfection here. “….It could be that you dislike something, when it is good for you; and it could be that you like something when it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.” [Qur’an, 2:216] When we are overly attached to certain ideas (e.g. wanting to marry someone with only x y z qualities), if Allah wants good for us, He will test us in it until we let go of that concept, and hold onto Him. Allah knows better than we do, and it is up to us to trust in His Wisdom. Marriage for the sake of Allah It is wise to marry for the sake of Allah, but unwise to marry someone out of feelings of pity, obligation, or guilt. I strongly recommend that you complete the Islamic Marriage course to deepen your understanding of marriage. Investigate your intentions before committing to something as life-changing as marriage. Physical attraction can grow, the more you get to know someone – within the boundaries of permissibility. But if you truly do not feel attracted to him, then it would be unfair to commit to marriage. Fair Skin Fixation It is unfortunate that in many parts of the world, the post-colonial mindset still obsesses over and priorities fair skin. Reflect on why this could be the case, and choose to either reject or accept this line of thought. The wound of colonisation runs deep in many families, and there is a mistaken assumption that ‘fairer’ immediately means ‘better’, and that ‘darker’ means ‘worse’. This is a deeply problematic belief. The goodness of someone’s heart is not reflected in the pigmentation of their skin. “Vile women are for vile men, and vile men are for vile women; and good women are for good men, and good men are for good women. Those are free from what they (the accusers) say. For them there is forgiveness, and a graceful provision.” [Qur’an, 27:26] A suitable match for you is a good man, inshaAllah, and not necessarily one with fair skin. Tahajjud Whenever in doubt, turn to your Creator. Stand up in prayer, or at the minimum, earnest supplication, in that precious time before the entry of Fajr. Ask Allah to grant you clarity and the strength to make the right decision. Istikhara Perform the Prayer of Guidance until you reach a point of clarity about what to do, or up to 7 times. I cannot give you an answer, but Allah will, inshaAllah. There is no need to look for a dream. The answer will come to you in the manner events unfold, and in the certainty that will settle in your heart. The key is for you to remain open to either possibility, and not automatically reject him based on the darkness of his skin, or out of fear of what people will say. People will always talk, especially amongst circles which thrive on gossip. Your job is not to please them, but to please Allah. Ultimately, it is you who will be in that marriage, and not them. If you do choose to marry him and receive criticism from others, respond with goodness and compassion. Smile and say, “Alhamdulilah.” It is not up to you to change people’s minds, but it is your responsibility to live a life pleasing to Allah. I pray that Allah guides you to the best husband for you, who will be a loving father to your children and your devoted helpmate towards Jannah. Relevant links: 10 Ways to Avoid Marrying The Wrong Person When Love Is Not Enough Is there a concept of soulmates in Islam? Raidah Shah Idil Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
You can but it's not that easy there as well. You have to pay for membership in order to contact others, and it is not cheap. It takes a while to find someone on there. Many on there are either just playing around and not serious, many are just window shopping, and many will not be honest about themselves. You'd have a better chance asking one of the sisters here if they know anyone in their area who is looking and they can or know someone who can vouch for them. Westerners (reverts or not) love marrying "exotic" and "Foreign" women. Maybe a revert would be a good option. That too has its pros and cons.
format_quote Originally Posted by anatolian
Actually the main reason of this is the white supremacy. Indian sub-continent was ruled by the British Empire for a very long time and they established the understanding that white is fair and superior therefore to be obeyed. Today unfortunately your fellow Indians still couldn't get rid off this understanding.
India was subjugated by the Anglo British for 200 years. In that time they committed a Genocide of 2 billion people there. They Anglo British ruled most of the world and wherever they went they forced their ethnocentric superiority onto the public. Those who were of fair complexion were treated better than those of darker complexion and were given better jobs and status in society. Naturally with Anglo imperialists superiority complex, rest of the races under their subjugation developed inferiority complex. What we see here and among majority if not all minority races is this self-prejudice against their own race and preference for those with more fair complexion. Skin whitening creams are a big big business over in those lands. Also a product the British make and ship over there. Unless these people rid their inferiority complex (unlikely), we will continue to see this racism of fairer complexion over darker one.
Personally speaking, I've always found darker skin to be attractive - especially if it is lush and healthy with nur. i can't be the only one, right... tell me I am not alone in this someone
Hey, joining in here and agreeing! The locals in this country also prefer lighter skin. I've picked my local wife a bit darker than average here. I always tell the locals here that they have much more urgent problems than skin tone. For most of them, what about re-programming their brains? Wouldn't that do more to prop up their lousy incomes? People like me make exponentially more money than them -- several orders of magnitude actually -- and I am in fact just a simple guy, while they are the ones picking on other people for silly reasons like their skin colour. Seriously, beggars can't be choosers.
Westerners (reverts or not) love marrying "exotic" and "Foreign" women.
In my ancestry, it actually started a generation ago already. My father is European, but he likes way too much being an arch-patriarch, so he never wanted to marry a European wife. He married two African wives and has seven children. Five of his children are doing really well, but I also have two brothers who aren't, but we have decided not to do anything about that until they have finally come to their senses. My father is in his seventies now, and he actually regrets not having married more wives, and not having made more children. So, the next generation must make good on his mistake. I should probably marry at least three wives and make something like fifteen children. I am not even half-way. So, I still have quite a recruitment and reproduction job ahead of me! But ok, inch'Allah, I should still have time to hit my target! ;-)
You can but it's not that easy there as well. You have to pay for membership in order to contact others, and it is not cheap. It takes a while to find someone on there. Many on there are either just playing around and not serious, many are just window shopping, and many will not be honest about themselves. You'd have a better chance asking one of the sisters here if they know anyone in their area who is looking and they can or know someone who can vouch for them. Westerners (reverts or not) love marrying "exotic" and "Foreign" women. Maybe a revert would be a good option. That too has its pros and cons.
India was subjugated by the Anglo British for 200 years. In that time they committed a Genocide of 2 billion people there. They Anglo British ruled most of the world and wherever they went they forced their ethnocentric superiority onto the public. Those who were of fair complexion were treated better than those of darker complexion and were given better jobs and status in society. Naturally with Anglo imperialists superiority complex, rest of the races under their subjugation developed inferiority complex. What we see here and among majority if not all minority races is this self-prejudice against their own race and preference for those with more fair complexion. Skin whitening creams are a big big business over in those lands. Also a product the British make and ship over there. Unless these people rid their inferiority complex (unlikely), we will continue to see this racism of fairer complexion over darker one.
I am not really sure If there is any such forum here where I can reach out to other sisters for this matter.
Previously there was an "open sister's section" which female full member could join without submit application. But today I don't see that section.
Maybe admin can explain?.
It's still there, only viewable by female members.
To the OP.. please realise that this is THEIR problem, not yours. I don't think it's about physical attraction either. There seems to be a deep-rooted issue within many communities that fair skin is the ultimate ticket to success. This attitude is disgusting.
I've known of certain parents and grandparents who favour their fair-skinned offspring over the darker skinned ones. It's horrible and a sign of ignorance.
You're probably dodging quite a few bullets there, can you imagine living with such a mother in law, who's always talking about your skin or someone who refuses to see past their prejudice and can't see your inner and outer beauty? There's nothing wrong with your skin.
Perhaps Allah is saving you for a righteous spouse who will treat you well. Please constantly make Dua and talk to Allah. As someone else said, focus on the Deen of any potential spouses. Can you or your brother contact any local Masjids or scholars? I'm not quite sure how it works there but they may be able to help.
I tried looking up for such forum but no luck. Can someone please help.
You have to activate your account. I noticed it's not yet activated which limits your accessibility to certain features on this forum..check your emails/ junk mail for an activation link from Islamicboard. If it's not resolved, create a thread in the helpdesk and we will try to help you inshallah.
Last edited by *charisma*; 11-05-2016 at 12:35 PM.
Midst the heat of battle the stones and trees alike shall speak to testify against the Jews to the believers.
The means through which the stones and trees will achieve recognition isn't something as shallow as skin colour or place of birth. No, what is accounted for is much more dignified.
Iman.
I don't want to give you advice but I want you to remember that. Also take comfort in the fact that, should you be fortunate enough to enter Jannah, your husband will spend years contemplating your beauty.
I feel it necessary to add that the current state of our world is a product of colonialism.
Dark skin is not inferior to light skin, notice I do not use the term "fair" as one of the definitions of "fair" is "a beautiful women".
The fact of the matter is a long time ago (1800s) Europeans perpetuated the idea that white is on top and black is on the bottom. Now we have white people who feel superior and other ethnicities who feel inferior.
As you can see this idea has been adopted by the world and now you have light skinned people feeling superior and dark skinned people inferior.
I don't know if this needs to be said or not but I'll say it anyway:
Whether or not your skin colour is light or dark isn't of much importance. It is the ignorant/arrogant who think in the way you describe and neither the ignorant or the arrogant are very attractive in anyway that matters anyway.
While it is understandable that different people have different choices of what they feel as beauty, the way those families described skin tone was an extreme case of jahiliyyah. So Im glad you never went or married into that family. You got saved.
You should look for people who have sound Islamic knowledge even if its basic, and not go to those who have a distorted outlook, backward in culture and steeped in ignorance.
May Allah make it easy for you, keep making dua and effort on your part.
Thank you for your kind words it really helps me to feel good about myself. I do understand that there are preferences when it comes to selecting a partner but the problem is that the preference starts and ends with complexion. I live in India where most of the people are brown complexioned but people still prefer white over brown, our community being the most discriminating.
The proposals don't go beyond the pictures and if they do then the mothers of the suitors who come to my place make me feel as if i am some sort of spot which should be erased altogether.
The problem is so deep rooted that even a dark complexioned guy wants a snow white as a partner and sadly the mothers encourage their behaviour.
I am disheartened coz I have to go through this humiliation each time someone comes with a proposal. It's like i am some dummy doll who has no feelings or emotions and somehow people have got the rights to judge or humiliate me.
Just reading that, I'm offended on your behalf. Just remember, you will find a match, if not then Allah has something even better planned for you.
Whether you get married or not (always go with positive energy - try your best - but do not overburden yourself - leave it to Allah)
Back to the point, whether you get married or not, while trying your best, know that the greatest gift from Allah is Imaan. That is something priceless, that is worth more than this whole world all that is in it.
So find relief in that Allah will protect you, and rely on Allah.
I testify to the fact that none has the right to be worshipped except for Allah, and the Prophet Muhammad is His :saw: final Messenger.
I swear to Allah, seeking happiness in this world is futile. As it is temporary. Never exchange Imaan for temporary fading happiness. Keep chin high, and be happy that you are Muslim! Really!
Be the best you. Find confidence in yourself - believe in yourself!
Meaning of Shirk according to The Qur'an
" Worshipping anyone or anything besides Allah " or " distributing anything exclusive to Allah, to anyone or anything else "
Meaning of Tawheed according to The Qur'an Worshipping none but Allah. Affirming whatever is exclusive to Him, Him alone.
Whether you get married or not (always go with positive energy - try your best - but do not overburden yourself - leave it to Allah)
Back to the point, whether you get married or not, while trying your best, know that the greatest gift from Allah is Imaan. That is something priceless, that is worth more than this whole world all that is in it.
So find relief in that Allah will protect you, and rely on Allah.
I testify to the fact that none has the right to be worshipped except for Allah, and the Prophet Muhammad is His :saw: final Messenger.
I swear to Allah, seeking happiness in this world is futile. As it is temporary. Never exchange Imaan for temporary fading happiness. Keep chin high, and be happy that you are Muslim! Really!
Be the best you. Find confidence in yourself - believe in yourself!
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