Which is worse: physical or verbal abuse?

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

Sorry to hear about the abuse youve gone through, you seem very strong. I'm a victim of verbal abuse. My father constantly berates me, puts me down, swears at me, calls me names, etc. I feel extremely worthless and suffer from low confidence and self esteem. If my friends compliment me or say something nice about me, deep down inside me I feel Im undeserving of that praise and cannot fully accept anything positive about me.

It took a toll on my life because I lost motivation in many things and dont have dreams and aspirations. My father would tell me I'm useless and wont succeed in life, and it just made me feel hopeless and not good enough. His cruel words left a deep wound in my soul and still continue to do so. I've been physically abused on a few occasions, nothing severe, but I feel its absolutely nothing compared to verbal abuse.

Abuse from a parent is very damaging and requires that you take immediate action to begin your healing process, especially if you are approaching marital age. You should not go into a relationship without working on this first. You may end up with an abuser due to the treatment you have learned to tolerate.

Please don't feel it is a lost cause though, because it isn't. This is a matter of changing the beliefs your father has instilled in you. The first step is by recognizing that he is wrong by saying those things and is probably suffering himself. He may have a psychological disorder, or who knows. That isn't your problem. You have to focus on your own belief system and reassuring yourself that everything he said is not true. Every human is worthy and has amazing potential. Abusers love to belittle those who they feel threatened by. My ex doesn't like smart women. The first thing he said to me about his new wife is that she is dumb and now I understand why it was necessary for him to make sure I depended on him for reassurance. It is no surprise that I bloomed and developed intellectually after we split. This is usually the case in most abuse situations. This includes parents. Some parents are jealous, some parents are vindictive and some just don't know how to control their anger, but the truth is it doesn't matter WHY they hurl hurtful words and again, it isn't your business. Don't waster time trying to justify it, just focus on healing from it.

I just hate how people make a big deal about physical abuse and think domestic violence is only physical. Many put so much emphasis on physical and forget the damage caused by verbal abuse.

It is sad, but it is due to ignorance. I have similar sentiments, but really, they are not better or worse than the other.

Btw, sister I wanted to ask you, is getting abused by a husband something a wife should overlook or should it be a dealbreaker?

It should NEVER be overlooked. The first time my ex hit me, it was a light slap to the face. Coming from a background of parental physical abuse (not so much verbal, Alhamdullilah) I had endured much more physical pain and didn't think much of it. Had I known how to recognize what's to come, I would have done something about it. Once he realized I wouldn't do anything, it became more constant.

It gets very tricky when there are children involved. Both men and women tend to overlook the abuse, especially if they tolerate it well due to childhood trauma. This is how the vicious circle continue. Some will never do anything about it and the behavior is passed down to children and it just continues.

So the moment a husband hits or swears at his wife, should she call it quits or give him a chance and set boundaries in the relationship? Whats the best way to deal with abuse in marriage?

Calling it quits shouldn't be the first option, especially if there is a family established. However, the victim should be firm and I personally suggest leaving for a while, until the other person seeks help and shows proper improvement. They both should seek help actually as there's a reason why the abuser felt it was okay to abuse the other in the first place. It is unwise to continue to stay in the household and being intimate with the abuser as they will get the impression that their behavior is tolerated and acceptable.

Dear anonymous
Sad to read that you went through verbal abuse at the hands of your father. Both forms of abuse let me say again are damaging. Words can either make you or break you and Some abusers have that stinging vocabulary to break your self esteem. Consequently, some victims of abuse don't survive and heal and ultimately they become silent victims enabling this vicious cycle.

You shouldn't consider healing as impossible. It's possible once you stand up for yourself. Every time your abuser tells you that you are a loser, you prove the statement wrong by taking firm actions.

This is a sensitive issue and I think victims of abuse should never feel ashamed or scared to talk about it, which most of the time is seen in society. Either the survivors become healers and help out other victims to eradicate this social evil from society or they are silent about it. So, bringing up this subject can be beneficial for many people.

format_quote Originally Posted by samirbrazendale

Yes "seriously"

The person asked which is worse. Once you choose an option between the two destructive measures - you have inadvertently promoted one above the other in hierarchy.

If you don't understand my point - seek Daleel in shariah and see what you come up with and you will get point.

Read between the lines, the OP asked for examples of the forums experiences.

The OP wasn't literally asking for a open/shut answer. They wanted to discuss a situation.

Talking promotes healing.

Delayed Edit

format_quote Originally Posted by samirbrazendale

It was actually a poll with radio buttons which means you cant choose both. So the OP has logically created a option whereby you can only choose one hence proving my point.

What Poll????

If you think you have explained your 'point' then well done.

I'm telling you - you missed the bloody logic in the question and the humanity behind it.

Stop behaving desensitised, you've answered the question. Now leave it to that.

You cannot be a good Muslim if you cannot be a good human first.

It requires empathy.

format_quote Originally Posted by samirbrazendale

If you scroll to the top of the screen you will its a polling question. (So much for "reading between the lines" you even missed the most blatant thing)

Islam defines humanity - humanity does not define Islam.

I access the forum via my phone.
I have now looked into your poll claim.
Yes it exists, I had this verified.

Read the OP's statement.

'Which type of abuse has more long lasting impacts and seems damaging? I want to hear your opinions.'

Seems like YOU missed the most blatant thing!
Wouldn't you agree?

format_quote Originally Posted by samirbrazendale

Stupid Question.
In fact a rather condescending one because whichever you choose will indirectly promote the other.

Look at what you wrote, you didn't just take the poll you wrote your opinion!!

At least the rest of us tried to explain our reasons.

Stop getting defensive.

Your answer really didn't echo the 'Quran or the Sunnah'.

'Stupid question'
Your words described your human temperament. It was exactly that which I responded to.

Why don't you do justice? Give the Islamic answer.

format_quote Originally Posted by samirbrazendale

I did not miss that - My position if you do recall was solely on the fact that a poll was created.
I certainly hope you justice to the OP by answering from a Quran and Sunnah stance instead of your whims and desires.

You will not understand why the question is unfair unless you know base principles of an Islamic Science called Jhr Wa Tadeel.
Wasalaam.

These are your words.

Your the one who accused me & others not answering from the Quran & Sunnah.
You accused us of taking a stance based on our whims and desires?

You seem to know what's the correct answer.. kindly answer it instead of playing verbal ping pong.

Personally I don't believe you can back up your statements. Stop playing silly games because your just wasting my time.

Both affect mind and soul.

Difficult to choose