Which is worse: physical or verbal abuse?

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

Assalamu alaykum,

I just wanted to know what you guys think is worse and why? Please don't say both.

Which type of abuse has more long lasting impacts and seems damaging? I want to hear your opinions.

Jazaka Allahu Khairan.

Both can kill,scar and disable.
This is like one of those philosophical questions that can be deeply explored but there can be no real answer to.

wa-alaikum salam wa-rahmatullah

Life isn't so simple to go with what YOU want to be the truth. The truth is, they are equally as harmful. Based on what do i say this? In both cases the end result is psychological harm. In case of for example a kid psychically being harmed the end result being a messed up kid when turned in to a adult. In case of a kid psychologically being harmed (verbally) again, you end up with a messed up kid.

To take myself as an example, i have been through both i can say, but ALHAMDULILLAH never gone past having hatred and also that alhamdulillah i am healed from it to know what is forgiveness. So to take myself as the experiment and observing my own behavior sometimes thinking about it what happened AFTER that off course you get emotional. However going through that to be where i am now, i say ALHAMDULILLAH. I have learned a lot in a very short period of time and even to this day i take NEW wisdom from it.

So no, they are the same and it is very dangerous to just say things out of nowhere, as one does not know somebody's background. Always be lenient to people and have patience.

Of course we will say both. That's like asking what form of torture is better

They are both harmful and have a lasting impact and can take many years to heal from with very dedicated efforts (which most don't have energy to do). As someone who has endured both, I can testify to this.

Verbal abuse left me with a form of PTSD and was more damaging to me than the physical abuse I endured years prior. I was left frightened of phone notifications, and e-mails they'd send me into panic mode because the level of verbal abuse I suffered with those two methods was constant for years. Even until today, I will let e-mail pile up for a few days before I check my inbox. It may sound silly, but the effects can be very strong. I managed to get through most of it, Alhamdullilah.

The physical wasn't so bad after the matter, but during the period of abuse, it was absolutely debilitating, especially because it was coming from a husband at the time. Granted, I am a tough girl and not petite so I could defend my self quite easily, but not while pregnant, which is when I endured most of it.

So.... really, that's an unfair question.

Another thing to keep in mind is that physical abuse usually comes with the verbal abuse, whereas verbal abuse sometimes comes alone. So you can rest assured that if you know somebody being physically abused, chances are they are also being verbally abused.

Women are notorious for verbal abuse and I've seen some very ugly and damaging behavior coming from women, so I hope this doesn't turn into a gender bashing thread. Abuse is wrong, no matter who it comes from and it can really hurt the victim for many years after. Some people don't have it in them to heal after the matter.

Brother or sister,

You cannot FORCE people to choose by now also introducing a poll. This whole topic seems very dishonest to begin with. To me it rather looks like you have had a discussion with some other person and based on this you are trying to find who is "right" and who is "wrong", while the TRUTH is both are equally harmful.

So pursue the road of truth or please ask the admins to delete this topic.

Assalamualaikum

I cannot choose one form of abuse because abuse in any form is harmful equally damaging. I had to go through physical abuse in my marriage and it left me feeling frightened of my x husband at the time. He had threatened me that he would kill me and I felt unsafe and paralysed by fear at that time. I gradually mustered up my courage to leave him for good because I knew that I could never be safe and happy with such a man. The effects of physical abuse can be very traumatic because I felt acute amount of ptsd and panic attacks. Therapy can help you get back on track but ultimately i had decided to take a stand for myself and my faith in Allah proved fruitful as I didn't loose hope in Allahs mercy. My message to those suffering in physical and verbal abuse would be to stand up for yourselves! Don't give in to cowards. Believe in yourself talk to your family friends counsellor whoever is trustworthy. The worst thing I notice is when some family members take abuse as minor and tell the woman to endure it. Muslim is by whose hands and tongues another muslim is not hurt. May Allah guide us heal us give us the strength and grace to live with dignity and happiness and may Allah make it easy for all. Ameen.

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

If you dont mind me asking, which abuse affected you more, physical or verbal? Did you go to therapy to get healed from the abuse?

Well which abuse affected me more, it is hard to say as both of them in the end being finished as psychological abuse resulting in hatred from my side towards that person. The hatred that i felt the best i could describe it, is when somebody looks at something that terrifies that individual to the core if they would have understood how hateful the hate became in me and i was capable in doing. I'll better not use more details besides that but all i can say is that hatred eats you from inside. Still sub'han'Allah it never made me go soft or so in the sense become all weak, it rather was the fuel for my own ambitions to achieve worldly things. What did heal me from all of this? Well it took some time to be honest.

I female colleague of mine when i talked to her one time about it, she said..what if you would have achieved all of it..then what? To be honest, that was the FIRST time i had nothing to answer. So the ambitions i had that was part of the hatred, went that day out of the window. That was the first time i became depressed, because i lost the purpose i had in life..my life goal you could say. Although i still had the hatred, but it wasn't anymore the life goal. It took later on about 5 years that also took away the other hatred. Somebody said to me when i explained it to that person, ignore it. Having hatred you will achieve nothing, rather forgive that person as forgiving that person hits them even harder so to say. It is for example the SAME as when somebody insults you and instead of you going against it, you just don't see that person worth your time and ignore that person. This hits that person even harder.

About half year later i became Muslim by choice. We often don't ponder about what resides in our heart but when you look at it, you must well see it as a vessel.. IT MUST be filled with something. The choice is yours. What do you want it to be filled with? In case of your father belittling you etc. ask yourself are his words true? I mean i can say "you are A LIAR"..but just because "I" say you are a liar doesn't make you a liar right?

There are 2 types of people.

Type 1: Gives you feedback on your bad behavior so you can learn and change your behavior towards good. These people are good people who care about you.
Type 2: Belittles you. For example saying "you are nonsense". Huh? Why am i nonsense? based on what do you say this?

So this type 2 people, these are intellectually very poor. They have no strong opinion but follow like sheep the society. These people have only one thing to react on, ignore. Ignorant as ignorant can be and not worth your attention. I have in my own family also such people although they do not belittle me but other people, but just say something out in the open. These people if they say such a offending thing about other, will also talk about you with others. Off course they have the wrong person in front of them as i HATE this behavior when they belittle others. I say for example, you have FOR sure made 1000 mistakes in your life and i have for sure made 1 million mistakes in my life, so why talk about others when we ourselves are not perfect right? Off course they cannot something else but say you are right. Hopefully they start pondering the next time as i can belittle them, but rather having a different approach.

So with people who belittle you, rather start a intellectual conversation about the subject matter. For example if they say, "you are worthless". Say based on what do you say i am worthless? And do you know what is worthless? What do you pursue? What do you want to achieve? Off course i must keep in mind, this is how MY character is, not necessarily yours also. So if not, all i can say is go again towards what i said as if i say you are a liar, doesn't make it a fact you know. In other words i am not worth listening to. Why do i say this? In Allah's eyes if the WHOLE world said homosexuality is OKE..good..etc. STILL in the eyes of Allah is bad. So never look from the perspective of others, rather look if Allah is pleased with you.

There are other family members of mine although they have been Muslim their whole life, they suddenly want to try to "tame" me when it comes to Islam and want me to be like them "culture"-Muslims. But i am VERY DIRECT as i have grown up in the west. If i see hypocrisy i see hypocrisy and speak against it, although in the last years i have seen that many of my own family KNOW some things are prohibited, but still do it. I leave them be. Rather took a distance from them when it comes to such things. I say ALHAMDULILLAH everybody ends up in their own grave. Right now i see my own family members as people who have rights over me more than others. For the sake of Allah i do not cut these ties as Allah has prohibited us to do so or else i would have done all along. So i try to have patience and be friendly with them and try to give them their rights whenever possible.

In my head i live already on the Day of Judgement. These people will try to gather good deeds from me whenever possible, so i try to always be polite and educate them on small things, try to make them ponder about what i am saying. But still try to stay shallow not go so much in depth as they are easily offended and they have their own road to walk on and come to a conclusion. If they want money..here take it, if they want help i help..if they want anything else i try my best to help them with it. However ALWAYS Allah goes on #1. In the past they wanted me try to achieve things with the authorities as they wanted to migrate to the west and so i find ways. However there are NO legal ways and i do NOT do illegal things also go and lie. As on the Day of Judgement i will be held responsible for lying not them. So i clearly make the border to not cross over.

Stupid Question.
In fact a rather condescending one because whichever you choose will indirectly promote the other.

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

If you dont mind me asking, which abuse affected you more, physical or verbal? Did you go to therapy to get healed from the abuse?



Sorry to hear about the abuse youve gone through, you seem very strong. I'm a victim of verbal abuse. My father constantly berates me, puts me down, swears at me, calls me names, etc. I feel extremely worthless and suffer from low confidence and self esteem. If my friends compliment me or say something nice about me, deep down inside me I feel Im undeserving of that praise and cannot fully accept anything positive about me.

It took a toll on my life because I lost motivation in many things and dont have dreams and aspirations. My father would tell me I'm useless and wont succeed in life, and it just made me feel hopeless and not good enough. His cruel words left a deep wound in my soul and still continue to do so. I've been physically abused on a few occasions, nothing severe, but I feel its absolutely nothing compared to verbal abuse.

I just hate how people make a big deal about physical abuse and think domestic violence is only physical. Many put so much emphasis on physical and forget the damage caused by verbal abuse. Btw, sister I wanted to ask you, is getting abused by a husband something a wife should overlook or should it be a dealbreaker?

So the moment a husband hits or swears at his wife, should she call it quits or give him a chance and set boundaries in the relationship? Whats the best way to deal with abuse in marriage?

I just wanted to let you know that I have read this just now and I'll be back with a detailed response soon, insha'Allah.

This is a good subject to discuss and unfortunately quite a common occurrence. It is NOT stupid question by the way.

The word "abuse" is so vague that I don't know why people use it. Especially with catch cries like "verbal abuse", "physical abuse", "sexual abuse" etc. Everyone seems to be suffering from "abuse".

format_quote Originally Posted by Karl

The word "abuse" is so vague that I don't know why people use it. Especially with catch cries like "verbal abuse", "physical abuse", "sexual abuse" etc. Everyone seems to be suffering from "abuse".

It isn't a vague word, but it is overused, especially in cases of false allegations in order to win a custody case, acquire alimony, free legal aid or in cases of revenge in a relationship and sometimes even to gain sympathy and attention. So I do understand your sentiments, however, you shouldn't blanket everyone.

People who are abused don't usually talk openly about it and resort to anonymous forums to ask for help or guidance. Most domestic violence helpers and advocates have never suffered abuse themselves and oftentimes belittle or exaggerate what abuse may look like. Also, not all cases of abuse are the same. Some are mild and the person is spared of any real damage and some of it ends in death of the victim. Then, you have to consider the feminist movement in all of this. I've seen some ridiculous stuff being marketed which basically says "If your partner doesn't let you do everything you want, he is controlling therefore abusive." That's another subject though and totally off from the original post.

format_quote Originally Posted by Finding MEMO

What word would you use?
Do enlighten us.

I'd love to know if your terminology changes the situation?

Well insulted would be better and for anything physical just say what it is. I would never say "I was physically abused". I would say "I was punched in the face". The word "abuse" is used by politically correct liberals many of whom profit from the multi billion dollar "abuse" industries of victimhood.

format_quote Originally Posted by Finding MEMO

What word would you use?
Do enlighten us.

I'd love to know if your terminology changes the situation?

Well insulted would be better and for anything physical just say what it is. I would never say "I was physically abused". I would say "I was punched in the face". The word "abuse" is used by politically correct liberals many of whom profit from the multi billion dollar "abuse" industries of victimhood.