Femininity and Dignity

**anonymous** · 11-12-2017

Assalamualaikum brorhers and sisters,

I want to ask a query about a mental and emotional crisis im facing recently. I would expect only valid responses in the light of islam and Sunnah.

I always thought of myself as a classic daughter, perfect and loved by my parents. I acted like one too but in reality that was not the case. Though I always yearned for my parents un conditional love , being the darling of my two brorhers and adored by my two older sisters, that never happened in reality. My parents had a meaningless and dysfunctional relationship with each other so they modelled the same values to us and being the sensitive one I often became the target for my parents verbal abuse. Such conditions made me closed off un naturally which was a blow to my naturally open and frank personality. Another problem or un spoken rule I had to endure was never to express my feelings, and even if I did I would be considered alien!
My father had very masculine expectations from his daughters, though he had two sons but he expected us to focus fully on a career never worrying or caring about marriage. Subsequently, he made the wrong hasty decision to marry me off to a fraudulent, abusive and unfaithful man. It ended in divorce. My parents continued shaming me after that.
My father recently told me that I should focus on my career first as my job should be my first priority! I feel pressured by his strict attitude when he starts to scream at me even if I take a day or two off....my parents are puritanical and extremely hard on me if I make any effort to provide my self with fun and happy time..I feel exhausted that my parents can't accept me when im being my feminine self...loving and kind, free and generous, happy and radiant....they want me to worry about where I will pay my next bills from and my father gets angry when he finds out I have a off day from work. It's all very stressful for me that I have to worry about feeding myself alone and there's no one out there to provide for me, I know Allah provides Al hamdulillah... It's just stressful when my father never understands my womanly feelings what makes me feel secure, safe and loved... Just because it's easy and convenient for him to pressure me like this! Please advice me what to do, my eyes are dryed from tears now... What can I do?

**AbdurRahman.** · 11-13-2017

Walaikum Salam wrwb

aaah poor sister!, don't cry sis inshallah things will get better

I think best for you is try to find a husband in a halaal way as possible and get married and then you can move away from your parents and will also have a husband to bring home the bread so you can have the time to be a stay at home feminine woman

**anonymous** · 11-14-2017

Originally Posted by AbdullahAziz

Walaikum Salam wrwb

aaah poor sister!, don't cry sis inshallah things will get better

I think best for you is try to find a husband in a halaal way as possible and get married and then you can move away from your parents and will also have a husband to bring home the bread so you can have the time to be a stay at home feminine woman

Thanks brother. What else can be done as how can one build confidence and self reliance in an environment of belittling...I sound like a complaint box now hahaha, my intensions are pure as I love and respect my parents deeply but I still feel like this...

!

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My request to Administer. Please change the title of my discussion to Femininity and Dignity. I tried to change but it's not working ...,thank you.

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My request to Administer. Please change the title of my discussion to Femininity and Dignity. I tried to change but it's not working ...,thank you.

***charisma*** · 11-15-2017

Walaikum Assalaam,

Your father's treatment towards you is a bit harsh. However, from what you say it seems that your father has a very strong work ethic and has probably had a rough life. Maybe he is not really sensitive towards others, or rather he does not show it. He may also be very overprotective of you especially after your divorce. Perhaps the way he feels is similar to how many fathers feel, but the way he presents his message is not correct. You've known your father all of your life. He has most likely been this way for a long time and I don't think he will change because he doesn't feel the obligation to do so. So then what's the solution? You have to change your reaction towards his actions. You have to accept that this is the way he is, so ignore the tone and listen to the message. You will save yourself a lot of headache if you don't become emotionally reactive to every criticism. Maybe this is his way of trying to make you stronger as a person..you know "tough love." In the end, you can't accept others to change for you..you have to learn to adapt to the difficulties that around and look at it from the perspective of the other person. Your other option would be to live with one of your brothers if you are not comfortable at home. In any case, may allah ease your affairs ameen.

**AbdurRahman.** · 11-16-2017

Originally Posted by anonymous

Thanks brother. What else can be done as how can one build confidence and self reliance in an environment of belittling...I sound like a complaint box now hahaha, my intensions are pure as I love and respect my parents deeply but I still feel like this...

!

- - - Updated - - -

My request to Administer. Please change the title of my discussion to Femininity and Dignity. I tried to change but it's not working ...,thank you.

- - - Updated - - -

My request to Administer. Please change the title of my discussion to Femininity and Dignity. I tried to change but it's not working ...,thank you.

In the meantime be patient sis and try to ignore your dads shouting.