Convince my mother to emotionally accept my year abroad

**pastro** · 01-29-2021

Dear internauts,

My University agreed to nominate me for a complete year abroad (as a credit-replacing year) in 2021/2022, insha'Allah in Asia (Singapore), to a prestigious University.

I was thrilled when I learnt about the offer, but my excitement immediately diminished when I heard my mother's reaction over the telephone (I am in the UK, my family is in France).

My mother was demolished by the idea. She was crying in tears and couldn't accept the fact I am old enough to embark on such trips. She was constantly reminding me of how hard it was to give birth to me, how disrespectful it was for me to think about going that far for so long... all her remarks made me feel like a devil. Like an opportunist who jumps at the first occasion.

I worked very hard to get that offer, and many people are claiming it. My father seems to be pretty open to the idea and supportive, but my mother even refuses to think about it. She doesn't want to give it a rational thought, or think about all the benefits that such a program could provide. I understand that it is hard for her, but it's normal for someone of my age to be bold. She was raised in a family that condemned any sort of distance. Traveling abroad was very uncommon for her when she was young, and she grew up with these undetachable tenets.

What would you do if you were in my situation? Have you ever encountered fairly similar?

What would you recommend me to do? I can't have a rational conversation with her, she starts to cry and yell every time I bring up the topic. That's really irritating.

**Al-Ansariyah** · 01-29-2021

السلام عليكم ورحمةالله وبركاته
First try to tell her about how great oppurtunity it is and how successful u can become thru this. And you will keep visiting her once every month or according to ur conviniency. Try this again and again, ask ur father to convince her. Also you can do istikhara. But still if the mother insists u to stay then i dont know but i would have denied the offer and stayed with my mother if i were u.

**pastro** · 01-29-2021

Originally Posted by Yrvhere?

السلام عليكم ورحمةالله وبركاته
First try to tell her about how great oppurtunity it is and how successful u can become thru this. And you will keep visiting her once every month or according to ur conviniency. Try this again and again, ask ur father to convince her. Also you can do istikhara. But still if the mother insists u to stay then i dont know but i would have denied the offer and stayed with my mother if i were u.

Thank you for your reply.
Unfortunately, the country is way too far and my budget doesn't allow more than one return flight, which means that I won't see her for 9 straight months.

The problem is that she will never be ready for it. If I deny that one, it'll imply that I'd have to deny every single offer for the rest of my life. The future starts now.
I can't stay my whole life at the same place, restricting myself on every stage because of that. I think that we have to let things go at a certain point, make the hard decisions, hoping things always adapt later.

I'll definitely seek for guidance and ask my father to have a talk. I am quite afraid to involve my father in a discussion with her as it may lead to a conflict, and I am not even physically present, but that matter should be discussed anyway.

Thank you again.

**Supernova** · 01-29-2021

Originally Posted by pastro

Dear internauts,

My University agreed to nominate me for a complete year abroad (as a credit-replacing year) in 2021/2022, insha'Allah in Asia (Singapore), to a prestigious University.

I was thrilled when I learnt about the offer, but my excitement immediately diminished when I heard my mother's reaction over the telephone (I am in the UK, my family is in France).

My mother was demolished by the idea. She was crying in tears and couldn't accept the fact I am old enough to embark on such trips. She was constantly reminding me of how hard it was to give birth to me, how disrespectful it was for me to think about going that far for so long... all her remarks made me feel like a devil. Like an opportunist who jumps at the first occasion.

I worked very hard to get that offer, and many people are claiming it. My father seems to be pretty open to the idea and supportive, but my mother even refuses to think about it. She doesn't want to give it a rational thought, or think about all the benefits that such a program could provide. I understand that it is hard for her, but it's normal for someone of my age to be bold. She was raised in a family that condemned any sort of distance. Traveling abroad was very uncommon for her when she was young, and she grew up with these undetachable tenets.

What would you do if you were in my situation? Have you ever encountered fairly similar?

What would you recommend me to do? I can't have a rational conversation with her, she starts to cry and yell every time I bring up the topic. That's really irritating.

Asalaamualaykum;

Jannah is under your mothers foot, Jannah is not in a career.

Your obedience and pleasing your mother is way more beneficial in the Akhira than what your career can do for you. In fact - your career is worth nothing in Akhira.

Go and ask a friend or family relative who doesn't have a mother anymore as to what would they give to get a chance to please their mother.

If your mother was asking you do something Haraam - then my advice would be otherwise but she is not asking you do anything Haraam.

Ask yourself a question : Is the tears of mother so cheap that you'd sell it off for a career ?

**Revert alYunani** · 01-30-2021

Unfortunately there are some parents who are toxic.They think their children belong to them and they can do whatever they want with their lives.Some even manipulate and use the fact we have to obey the parents in islam,and they use this to get what they want and keep their children under their manipulation.
I am very sorry you are in this situation.Your mother should not remind you of how hard it was to give birth to you etc.This is not your fault nor a favour she did to you,rather smth that Allah made her went through and if she was grateful for it this would be better for her and she would have been rewarded a lot for it.

The world is getting worst everyday and its very hard to make it our there especially for a man who has responsability and has to provide for his family.She should be happy instead that you have this opportunity that would help you find a good job in the future.Wealthy men always had and have it easier.

Your mother may cry everyday and tell you to go to kenya and live in a wooden hut raising goats.Do we still have to obey that? We have to be reasonable and find a middle ground where everybody profits and is happy.Thus my advise is dont give up on this but try with your father to persuade her and let her see the good in this.

You are already far,already in uk,you will stay there one year,and they live in france where the salaries are high enough to allow them to buy a ticket to visit you if they need it.I dont see why it should be so tragic.

**IslamLife00** · 02-09-2021

I don't remember having similar experience. I had jobs that required me to travel, I had studied out of town for 3 yrs - no one had objections about it. Maybe they knew that I had to go, or I would've gone anyway regardless.
Only when I was very young, like elementary school age, my mother was very protective even suspicious, but even that I still went to wherever I needed - or wanted - to go.

But that's just how I am and what I have experienced. I can't tell you should you go or stay.
If I were you, I would try Yvrhere suggestion, keep trying to convince your mother and do istikhara. Istikhara for sure, because Allah is the only One All knowing, only He truly knows what is best for you. 9 mths or One yr isn't long.