Question: What should parents living in a Western country do if they find out that their 20 year old son has been secretly dating an older woman and now wants to marry her? While Islamically he is allowed to marry whomever he chooses, is it right to take part or support a marriage that started off wrongly, keeping in mind that he was raised in a religious environment and knows perfectly well that his actions have always been unacceptable, not only in Islam but in his culture as well?
In a Western society, parents need to use wisdom and take the environment into consideration.
To begin with, this young man should be guided and made familiar with what is good for him and for his future. He should then be advised that this is for his own sake in order to avoid any future harm befalling him, that he may not be able to imagine at this time on account of his youth and inexperience.
He should know that admiring and loving someone is one thing, but marriage is something else entirely.
In our religion, the man is requested to look for a pious wife. However, a woman who accepts to have a relationship with a stranger is already not pious. The same advice could be given to her regarding him.
Some of the attributes of a good woman are mentioned in Allah's saying: "It may be, if he divorced you (all) that Allah will give him in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (their wills), who believe, who are devout; who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who fast, whether previously married or virgins"[Sûrah al-Tahrîm: 5]. All these attributes reflect religion and good manners, save the last one mentioned, which is according to people's preferences.
Allah also wants us to marry modest women. He says: "The adulterer cannot marry any but an adulteress or an idolatress and the adulteress may not have anyone marry her but an adulterer or an idolater ; to the believers such a thing is forbidden." [Sûrah al-Nûr: 3]. This is the ruling before repentance. However, if they repent and reform, then there is a disagreement among scholars if the man and woman who commit adultery can be married to each other. Many scholars allowed it if their repentance is true.
On the other hand, marriage is a system of comprises, of duties, rights, and the intention to start a family. The spirit of marriage is trust between the two parties. How can a husband and wife trust one another if they had been doing wrong from the start, even if only with one another.
It has been related that a man came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and complained that his wife will not prevent anyone who tries to touch her. The Prophet (peace be upon him) advised him to divorce her. The man complained again that he loved her. Then the Prophet (peace be upon him) told him to keep her. [Sunan al-Nasâ'î] Although the authenticity of this hadîth is in dispute, it was upheld by some scholars. Some narrators explained that the meaning of this story that the woman talks and jokes with strangers and does not get angry if someone touches her, but she does not go further and that is why the Prophet (peace be upon him) allowed him to keep his wife.
Also, it is preferable for the person who had commited a sin and repented to avoid whatever reminds him of his sin. How could this be achieved if these two people see each other day and night?
Another point to consider is that the man's wealth comes after his honor in importance and Islam requires him to safeguard it. How could a husband trust a deceiver and entrust his money with her while she is not honest in her dignity? Likewise, how should she entrust her future to him?
What we have presented to you are some Islamic rulings and some general advice. We are not there with you and do not know the reality of the situation. Whether you support your son in his decision to marry her or decide not to do so is a decision that you will have to make on your own.
You know your son. You also have some familiarity with that woman. You are in a better position to assess the situation than anyone else.
Finally, this man should be advised that this passionate love will fade as the realities of married life will set in, a life which is not a transient pleasure, but a comprehensive system full of responsibilities, rights and duties.
Answered by Sheikh `Abd al-Rahmân al-Mujaydil, professor at al-Imâm University in Riyadh
Bookmarks