Would you let your husband take another wife(s)? (OP)
Before I got married, my friends used to keep saying that I should have the polygyny questions done as soon as possible. Most of the times, it was brought up as a joke between us friends, but when I actually got married, I gave it a thought and asked my wife about it last Ramadaan. She instantly said no. I didn't insist anything, but I added that she shouldn't give the answer away as an impulse as what I'm asking is not something haraam, but something which Allah has permitted. She thought about it for a while, and then she said that she WOULD LET me take a second wife if I want to in the future. Although she also mentioned a couple of conditions which I found to be completely fair (but mighty expensive).
I don't want to take a second wife, but I wanted to know what my wife thought about it. Alhamdulillah, the discussion I had with her over it educated me so much more about what kind of polygyny is allowed in Islam. One of the conditions include that I should build her a house. That condition itself taught me that it is best that only the affluent class goes for multiple wives as they have the resources to maintain more than one household.
Along with that my wife added that she agreed to it because she feels that as Allah has allowed it then inshaAllah He will also provide her with the patience for dealing with it. MashaAllah I was very pleased to hear such pious words from my wife. In fact, after a few days I came to know about a hadeeth which says that when women are exposed to situations that make them jealous, and they hold fast to patience in such situations then those women are rewarded like the martyrs. I'm not sure about the authenticity of it, although I've read somewhere that it is da'eef.
As I have the green signal from my wife, I actually considered another wife, only to realize that another wife meant maintaining another household. That was enough to shoo me away as maintaining one household itself is pretty difficult in today's economy.
Sometimes, I also think that my wife would worry if I start making more money, because then I'll be able to afford another wife.
There are also situations when a fellow Muslim sister is in need, and there's no one to take care of her. Helping a helpless Muslimah opens a door of rewards, and that's another motivation behind my wife's consent. Here and there, my wife has told me that if I take a second wife, I should use that opportunity to support someone in need.
So dear sisters, would you allow your husband to take another wife?
If Allah helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allah (Alone) let believers put their trust.
Surah Ale Imran : 160
It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) climbed up Uhud, accompanied by Abu Bakr, ‘Umar and ‘Uthmaan, and the mountain shook with them. He struck it with his foot and said: “Stand firm, O Uhud, for there is no one on you but a Prophet or a Siddeeq or two martyrs.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (3483)
Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala) does not inspire seeking forgiveness in a slave whom he wishes to punish.
This was why, he is finding it extremely difficult to manage two sets of everything. If he gets something for one wife the other must have the same or all hell breaks loose (first wife is not very cooperative). He gets questioned twice as much as far as his whereabouts, he gets twice as many complaints, he has to be sure his time is split equally and that usually means no "me" time for him or there will be issues.
Yep. He can make time for himself only when he's in his parents house. He can have his "me" time with only those people who will let him be a kid regardless of his age. Accommodate parents separately so that you can your "me" time.
format_quote Originally Posted by cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn
If polygamy is to be attempted, both the first wife and the husband must be very pius people to make this work, otherwise everyone's naffs will wreak havoc. Selfish people cannot be involved in polygamy. end of.
The husband needs lots of piety because he'll need many qualities to be invested in the scenario such as patience, time management, anger management, resources management, crisis management, and on and on.
format_quote Originally Posted by cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn
I strongly feel that, if the first wife makes this realization, and she has beena good wife (that is key here) she shouldn't worry so much,she shoudl be reassured that his love for her won't change even if another wife comes in the picture. The first wife is the one who supported the husband in the low times and built up with him, to where now he can afford a second wife, so why would that position be taken from her? That is usually one of the first wive's biggest fears ie: "I struggeld so much with my husband, went without XYZ, got him through school and built all of this, only to have some woman come take it?" "now that my figure is bad, I bore him X amount of children, he wants somebody else and he is going to forget about us" the list goes on. The test for the first wife would be learning how to share and work as a unit with the other wife/wives. She will have to learn to break her naffs, and that is actually in her benefit if she cares about the akhira. She can make the best of what she has or destroy it.
I will always respect my wife for this, because she did bear all the difficulties we've faced so far with so much maturity. If I ever take any more wives in the future, my first wife will be the benchmark for all of them. They have to be prove to be at least as good as her, if not better. The preference to first wife in terms of respect and endearment can't be helped. It is something which the other wives just have to cope with.
The first wife shouldn't be worried about these things, because if the husband is a noble man then he will always be grateful to her for all of it, and also be more considerate towards her because he knows that the arrangement just can't be easy for her.
If Allah helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allah (Alone) let believers put their trust.
Surah Ale Imran : 160
It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) climbed up Uhud, accompanied by Abu Bakr, ‘Umar and ‘Uthmaan, and the mountain shook with them. He struck it with his foot and said: “Stand firm, O Uhud, for there is no one on you but a Prophet or a Siddeeq or two martyrs.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (3483)
Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala) does not inspire seeking forgiveness in a slave whom he wishes to punish.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
The only time I've ever seen polygamy work well is when the man is really rich and can afford to treat each wife fairly. The wives actually get along well and have a strong sisterhood or they live seperately and don't have to bother with each other. I say only take on what you can afford.
No reasonable sister wants to marry a broke guy who keeps bringing more mouths to feed into the house-- for what? To bicker over table scraps? Nah, I'll be single if that's what it boils down to.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
I would. And would offer him Khul' right after that for sure.
Polygamy is not for everyone and most polygamist are losers.
I don't want to be buried and resurrected near polygamist, audhubillah.
Polygamy is not an issue of Emaan, is selfishness in most cases.
The interesting point here is that brothers are measuring the love of their wife by this question ''Can I take second wife''? I've seen that a lot.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
poly gamy is allowed in islam .so we can never discuss against it.and in quran it is clearly said one take up to 4 provided he treat them equally.the question is can they.he has to share days equally,money equally etc.a thing much of the men cannot andfurther quran says if they fear theycannot they,ll have to be satisfied with one.in these days i doubt highly wether men can treat them equally unless their iman is high.
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Indeed Allah knows, and you know not (16: 74, part)
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
format_quote Originally Posted by Insaanah
Do you know most polygamists?
That's unfortunate. I'd give anything to be buried and resurrected next to the Prophet .
And there may be many other polygamists who are better than us in respect of their deen.
And Allah knows best and may we die and be resurrected among the righteous, ameen.
SubhanAllah sister. I was going to say the EXACT same thing. The best of men of our ummah were polygynists.
For all the people who are replying for the first time in this thread, I request that you go through the other replies beforehand because this topic has been discussed extensively. The exchange has been highly educational, to say the least. It also has questioned the generalized opinion held of this topic.
Last edited by Ali_008; 02-04-2013 at 09:23 PM.
If Allah helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allah (Alone) let believers put their trust.
Surah Ale Imran : 160
It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) climbed up Uhud, accompanied by Abu Bakr, ‘Umar and ‘Uthmaan, and the mountain shook with them. He struck it with his foot and said: “Stand firm, O Uhud, for there is no one on you but a Prophet or a Siddeeq or two martyrs.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (3483)
Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala) does not inspire seeking forgiveness in a slave whom he wishes to punish.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
Question is flawed as Allah Subhana Wata'ala has allowed polygamy thus theres no reason for any Muslim to object to it.
I do feel Muslims of TODAY have lost the true meaning of Polygamy but on the whole its a noble deed if done with the right intention as there are Widows and children out there who need food on the table, and to care and provide for them surely carries immense rewards Inshaa Allah.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
format_quote Originally Posted by Muslimlearner
I would. And would offer him Khul' right after that for sure.
Polygamy is not for everyone and most polygamist are losers.
I don't want to be buried and resurrected near polygamist, audhubillah.
Polygamy is not an issue of Emaan, is selfishness in most cases.
The interesting point here is that brothers are measuring the love of their wife by this question ''Can I take second wife''? I've seen that a lot.
The masculine ego is really funny.
And you're saying this as a married woman who has had a co-wife at least once? Allah, the One who is free from all desire, has permitted this for the men because it is better for men and women. Are you now going to say that most men who are trying to fulfil a sunnah are just chasing lust and satisfying their "masculine ego"? If a bad response to this isn't a reflection of one's emaan then what is it?
And verily for everything that a slave loses there is a substitute, but the one who loses Allah will never find anything to replace Him.” [Related by Ibn al-Qayyim in ad-Dâ' wad-Dawâ Fasl 49]
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
Interesting article posted today on WebbCounselors over at SuhaibWebb.com. The point that struck out to me was,
Bear in mind also the legalities of such an arrangement in countries that do not allow for polygamy. Are you comfortable being married to a man who could potentially be breaking the law? And how can you ensure that your individual rights and the rights of your future family will be preserved in a polygamous marriage?
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/polygamous-marriage/
This is really important, that in most places where we live, the legal system does not allow for more than one wife. How ethical is it, as a Muslim, to break the law? It's not ethical and we need to realize that even though it's allowed in Islam, if we're living in a land that doesn't allow it, it's upon us to follow the law of the land where we live. This point, I think is sufficient to make this discussion irrelevant for the majority of people here.
Last edited by Ibn Abi Ahmed; 02-05-2013 at 12:40 AM.
“Do not argue with your Lord on behalf of your soul, rather argue with your soul on behalf of your Lord.” - Dhul-Nun
"It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness." - Victor Frankl
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
format_quote Originally Posted by Ibn Abi Ahmed
Interesting article posted today on WebbCounselors over at SuhaibWebb.com. The point that struck out to me was,
Bear in mind also the legalities of such an arrangement in countries that do not allow for polygamy. Are you comfortable being married to a man who could potentially be breaking the law? And how can you ensure that your individual rights and the rights of your future family will be preserved in a polygamous marriage?
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/polygamous-marriage/
This is really important, that in most places where we live, the legal system does not allow for more than one wife. How ethical is it, as a Muslim, to break the law? It's not ethical and we need to realize that even though it's allowed in Islam, if we're living in a land that doesn't allow it, it's upon us to follow the law of the land where we live. This point, I think is sufficient to make this discussion irrelevant for the majority of people here.
I would not trust suahib webb as i would not trust hamza yusuf. They are sufi and such a deviant sect has no place in Islam, nor should we take knowledge from such deviant sects. You're aqeedah and akhira is on the line here.
Suhaib Webb admits he is a Sufi/Ashari at the 57 mark;
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
The problem with polygamy is not polygamy itself, that permissible. But the men who commit polygamy. There are many wives and their children who neglected, they must struggle hard to live because their husband do not fulflil their needs but fulfill other wives needs. Should those neglected wives ask divorce?. This is what their husbands want.
But, those neglected wives do not want to ask divorce. They just want their husbands can be fair. Something that cannot be done by their husbands.
Mostly of polygamy in Indonesia are polygamy like this. Only small number that committed in accordance with sunnah.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
LOL. Thanks man, but this isnt the 90s.
format_quote Originally Posted by islamica
I would not trust suahib webb as i would not trust hamza yusuf. They are sufi and such a deviant sect has no place in Islam, nor should we take knowledge from such deviant sects. You're aqeedah and akhira is on the line here.
Suhaib Webb admits he is a Sufi/Ashari at the 57 mark;
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
Polygamy is very tough to discuss and very personal. No one person is right or wrong here.
Polygamy hits very close to home for me and it's really annoying. Watching polygamy play out in most people's lives I know is like watching a hurricane destroy a small town. I can agree to polygamy if it was performed the way the Prophet SAW handled it, but most men are not that devoted and pious.
My hubby is from a polygamous family and most of his brothers have multiple wives. These guys cannot afford to care for one family, much less two or three wives and a bunch of children! The wives are neglected most of the time. When the wives and children get sick, they call my husband asking for money to help pay for medical costs and sometimes food. It's really ridiculous!
I also know a few families here in America where the husband exercised his rights to have four wives, and yes he took all four wives-- although he doesn't have a job to suppport any of them. Each wife lives in the projects or with their parents and struggle with the children. These women work (some of them work) or they live off of welfare and government assistance. Yes, he sees the children and divides his time amongst his wives, but he cannot provide any financial support for any of them. The Wives and Children suffer.
One of my hubby's friends has two wives here and they all live together in one big house. He is a business owner and can support his family, but why does he complain almost every day about how he sometimes hates to go home because the wives bicker and nitpick about everything?
When I asked my nephew-in-law about polygamy, he said that he doesn't like it because his mother was a first wife and still lives apart from her husband, while he is here in America. He was upset when his dad took a second wife and immediately got her pregnant. He brought her to the house and left her to be "company" for the first wife while husband went back to America. Now, the guy has a health ailment and he must decide which wife to bring over to America to live with him. The other will have to stay in the other country with the remaining children.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
format_quote Originally Posted by cottonrainbow
Polygamy is very tough to discuss and very personal. No one person is right or wrong here.
Polygamy hits very close to home for me and it's really annoying. Watching polygamy play out in most people's lives I know is like watching a hurricane destroy a small town. I can agree to polygamy if it was performed the way the Prophet SAW handled it, but most men are not that devoted and pious.
My hubby is from a polygamous family and most of his brothers have multiple wives. These guys cannot afford to care for one family, much less two or three wives and a bunch of children! The wives are neglected most of the time. When the wives and children get sick, they call my husband asking for money to help pay for medical costs and sometimes food. It's really ridiculous!
I also know a few families here in America where the husband exercised his rights to have four wives, and yes he took all four wives-- although he doesn't have a job to suppport any of them. Each wife lives in the projects or with their parents and struggle with the children. These women work (some of them work) or they live off of welfare and government assistance. Yes, he sees the children and divides his time amongst his wives, but he cannot provide any financial support for any of them. The Wives and Children suffer.
One of my hubby's friends has two wives here and they all live together in one big house. He is a business owner and can support his family, but why does he complain almost every day about how he sometimes hates to go home because the wives bicker and nitpick about everything?
When I asked my nephew-in-law about polygamy, he said that he doesn't like it because his mother was a first wife and still lives apart from her husband, while he is here in America. He was upset when his dad took a second wife and immediately got her pregnant. He brought her to the house and left her to be "company" for the first wife while husband went back to America. Now, the guy has a health ailment and he must decide which wife to bring over to America to live with him. The other will have to stay in the other country with the remaining children.
What would Allah SWT think about this?
Asalaamu Alaikum,
I think the point is that you shouldn't generalise. Someone could say the same thing as you did, they have experienced a lot of hate from Muslims, and thus think Islam is bad or all Muslims are bad - just based on their own perceptions, rather than looking at things from a proper scope. Not all "Polygamists" are like that, some of them are much better than most "monogamists" could ever be. In fact, the best of people was a polygamist, the Prophet(saw).
Fair enough if you have a preference (which I completely understand), but please, think twice before hating on something that is a Sunnah for those that can handle it.
Last edited by Perseveranze; 02-05-2013 at 01:42 AM.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
format_quote Originally Posted by islamica
I would not trust suahib webb as i would not trust hamza yusuf. They are sufi and such a deviant sect has no place in Islam, nor should we take knowledge from such deviant sects. You're aqeedah and akhira is on the line here.
Suhaib Webb admits he is a Sufi/Ashari at the 57 mark;
Deviants? No place in Islam? How on earth can you say that when some of the greatest Imams of the past were Sufi's? You warn others of Akhirah and Aqeeda but at the same time openly slander Millions of Muslims and disrespect two well respected Scholars by labelling them deviants?
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
format_quote Originally Posted by Vision
Deviants? No place in Islam? How on earth can you say that when some of the greatest Imams of the past were Sufi's? You warn others of Akhirah and Aqeeda but at the same time openly slander Millions of Muslims and disrespect two well respected Scholars by labelling them deviants?
Your well respected "scholars" are sufi and deviant. Shai scholars are well respected as well. It doesn't make it right to follow them.
And please educate yourself on sufism before going any further.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
format_quote Originally Posted by Ibn Abi Ahmed
Interesting article posted today on WebbCounselors over at SuhaibWebb.com. The point that struck out to me was,
Bear in mind also the legalities of such an arrangement in countries that do not allow for polygamy. Are you comfortable being married to a man who could potentially be breaking the law? And how can you ensure that your individual rights and the rights of your future family will be preserved in a polygamous marriage?
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationsh...mous-marriage/
This is really important, that in most places where we live, the legal system does not allow for more than one wife. How ethical is it, as a Muslim, to break the law? It's not ethical and we need to realize that even though it's allowed in Islam, if we're living in a land that doesn't allow it, it's upon us to follow the law of the land where we live. This point, I think is sufficient to make this discussion irrelevant for the majority of people here.
Allahu Alam as to how updated Wikipedia is with regards to this information, but among the English speaking nations only Canada, Caribbean, and United States do not recognize polygamy. UK, Australia, and New Zealand recognize polygamous marriages that took place at locations where they are legal. Although it isn't the right practice, people with multiple wives do live in US, Canada, and Caribbean anyway.
There are exceptional cases as well like India, Sri Lanka, and Singapore where polygamy is illegal except for Muslims.
format_quote Originally Posted by islamica
I would not trust suahib webb as i would not trust hamza yusuf. They are sufi and such a deviant sect has no place in Islam, nor should we take knowledge from such deviant sects. You're aqeedah and akhira is on the line here.
As long as someone is spreading truth, it doesn't matter what aqeedah or faith they follow. They are just talking about the legality of the issue in various nations. Even if a non-Muslim had highlighted it, it would still have to be respected, because it is, indeed, highly significant to take the country's legislature into consideration before committing anything.
format_quote Originally Posted by cottonrainbow
Polygamy is very tough to discuss and very personal. No one person is right or wrong here.
Polygamy hits very close to home for me and it's really annoying. Watching polygamy play out in most people's lives I know is like watching a hurricane destroy a small town. I can agree to polygamy if it was performed the way the Prophet SAW handled it, but most men are not that devoted and pious.
My hubby is from a polygamous family and most of his brothers have multiple wives. These guys cannot afford to care for one family, much less two or three wives and a bunch of children! The wives are neglected most of the time. When the wives and children get sick, they call my husband asking for money to help pay for medical costs and sometimes food. It's really ridiculous!
I have been stressing this point from the beginning of this thread that multiple wives should be only considered by those people who are wealthy enough to maintain multiple households. I had also given the example of Saudi Arabia in my earlier posts that the polygamy system there is much more logical, because it is believed that if a man is really wealthy over there then he must have multiple wives. It is more of a status symbol thing than an obligation in that culture.
format_quote Originally Posted by Muslimlearner
I would. And would offer him Khul' right after that for sure.
Polygamy is not for everyone and most polygamist are losers.
I don't want to be buried and resurrected near polygamist, audhubillah.
Polygamy is not an issue of Emaan, is selfishness in most cases.
The interesting point here is that brothers are measuring the love of their wife by this question ''Can I take second wife''? I've seen that a lot.
The masculine ego is really funny.
Please refrain from using generalized statements all the time especially when it includes our beloved Prophet and the first four Caliphs of Islam. RadhiAllahu Anhum
A man asked the Prophet about the Hour (i.e. Day of Judgment) saying, "When will the Hour be?" The Prophet said, "What have you prepared for it?" The man said, "Nothing, except that I love Allah and His Apostle." The Prophet said, "You will be with those whom you love." We had never been so glad as we were on hearing that saying of the Prophet (i.e., "You will be with those whom you love.") Therefore, I love the Prophet, Abu Bakr and 'Umar, and I hope that I will be with them beCause of my love for them though my deeds are not similar to theirs.
If Allah helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allah (Alone) let believers put their trust.
Surah Ale Imran : 160
It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) climbed up Uhud, accompanied by Abu Bakr, ‘Umar and ‘Uthmaan, and the mountain shook with them. He struck it with his foot and said: “Stand firm, O Uhud, for there is no one on you but a Prophet or a Siddeeq or two martyrs.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (3483)
Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala) does not inspire seeking forgiveness in a slave whom he wishes to punish.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
format_quote Originally Posted by Ali_008
I had also given the example of Saudi Arabia in my earlier posts that the polygamy system there is much more logical, because it is believed that if a man is really wealthy over there then he must have multiple wives. It is more of a status symbol thing than an obligation in that culture.
I don't agree with that. I have been in the Middle East for a very long time and I know how people talk of polygamy. In fact those with one wife have higher respect in the society and our shaykhs (rulers) are often given as examples of humbleness and good morals.
Marriage to a second is not that easy for an Arab, the families are involved, often they are close relatives and that brings lots of criticism and pressure to the future polygamist.
In Shari'ah is allowed the father of the bride to offer some money to the groom and make sure he will not get second wife and hurt his daughter. Well, nowadays families share business and for this and many other reasons man prefer to keep the second marriage a secret. This of course means the second wife will not get even close of getting her rights given by Allah.
That's why I said most polygamist are losers, and I know many and I heard stories. Lots of sisters ended up divorced and are single mothers now as result of such '' trials'' to have more then one.
And not the wealthy, but the Islamic teachers, preachers and scholars are those who do that often, from what I have seen here. The reverts are easy target, hopping for a perfect islamic marriage life, ending up divorced soon after the secret nikah .. Allahulmustaan.
Re: Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
format_quote Originally Posted by Ibn Abi Ahmed
Interesting article posted today on WebbCounselors over at SuhaibWebb.com. The point that struck out to me was,
Bear in mind also the legalities of such an arrangement in countries that do not allow for polygamy. Are you comfortable being married to a man who could potentially be breaking the law? And how can you ensure that your individual rights and the rights of your future family will be preserved in a polygamous marriage?
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/polygamous-marriage/
This is really important, that in most places where we live, the legal system does not allow for more than one wife. How ethical is it, as a Muslim, to break the law? It's not ethical and we need to realize that even though it's allowed in Islam, if we're living in a land that doesn't allow it, it's upon us to follow the law of the land where we live. This point, I think is sufficient to make this discussion irrelevant for the majority of people here.
That's a good point and I agree with it. Though, I don't think it can really prevent polygamy in the UK for a Muslim because the process of nikah is not recognised by law. If a man and a woman decide to do nikah and live together without getting their union recognised by law, it's no different (in terms of law) to a man and woman living together as girlfriend/boyfriend. A man in a relationship with multiple girlfriends in the UK, where all concerned are happy with the arrangement, would not be breaking any law (to my knowledge) and that example can be applied to a man who has done nikah with more than one person. Not saying it's a wise thing to do but just saying it's possible to do it without breaking any law.
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