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Thread: Marriage & Dua

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    Maryam1's Avatar
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    Marriage & Dua

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    Salaam
    I want to understand the meaning of Dua and marriage as I have read several versions and it has only confused me

    I am a muslim sister at the age of 30 wanting to get married. I met someone (family friend), we wanted to get married, did istikhara and there were mixed signs, mostly negative. Both of us were heartbroken but we were told circumstances can change therefore istikara can change over time, so we held onto that. Apparently black magic/Nazar can have an impact on the ‘feeling’ you may get during istikhara. What if this is why we feel negative we questioned?

    We both have tried for marriage for years historically & it never seems to happen. This time we both were convinced we are made for each other, yet again it’s the same old story…bad feelings. Has someone created marriage restrictions for us both?? via to Black magic/Nazar? We are both 30 why at this age this is happening?

    For this reason we went to see a Maulana who gave us extracts to read from the Qu’ran. He said if you are affected by any bm/nazar then this ilaaj will eliminate it. Allhamdulillah we both felt calm and positive after this treatment. It made a world of difference. He experienced strange shakimgs during the night etc so Allah knows if he was affected. He has been to see people in the past for nazar
    Simply reading extract directly from the Quran helped us both. Maulana said if we both agree to dedicate our lifestyle towards deen, then nothing can affect our marriage, so we both very positively went forward with this mindframe.

    Families met, we were setting dates, marriage was due next year.

    However he started feeling scared & doubtful as time went on. His worries are based on a 100 things, some so irrelevant but he worries about them. I can’t change that. I tried but a persons heart cannot be influenced. He decided to go Ummah for peace and guidance during Ramadhan. He came back and within 2 weeks called it off. He felt uneasy. That was his reason. He was unhappy for months he said.

    As you can imagine I was heartbroken. With no real reason, my rishta broke? Unhappiness & doubt can come from the shaitaan too right? He said he tried and tried to find peace and couldn’t. He was unhappy. Some of it was due to our silly childlike arguments & as he is so sensitive with words, this added to his unhappy feeling. In marriage these arguments will happen for fun, you need to be strong and fight the whispers from the shaitaan. My family are upset, more due to the way he’s committed to me then called it off. They don’t want him anywhere near me.

    Allhamdulillah since he’s back from Umrah, his deen has changed dramatically. He says if it is written then nothing can change it. But he can’t go ahead with his unhappy feeling. He does sometimes question what if he’s making a mistake but its still a no.

    My question is can my dua have any impact on this situation? My heart is telling me he has made the wrong decision. I have cried endlessly because I have lost someone based on no valid reason. And I make dua to Allah to make him see and bring him back. Is my dua wrong? How does dua work vs marriage? Because Allah has already written our fate, but then dua can change this?

    I know most people will give me the same advise I’ve heard a million times, and with the above yes I’d say the same.
    But my question is towards how can my dua have any impact on my future with him? I am heartbroken hence I am trying so so hard for this. I don’t want to lose him. Allah knows best. My heart keeps saying this is not right. He made the wrong decision

    Jazakallah Khair

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    aaj's Avatar
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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    wasalaams

    If you know people will give the same advice you heard a million times then why are you still asking for advice? Are you expecting them to tell you what you want to hear rather then be sincere in their advice?

    You did istakhira, both of you did. Do you know the meaning/translation of the istakhira. You are asking Allah for His divine guidance into a matter. And if it is good for you then bless you with it, if it is not good for you then distance you from it.

    Maybe it's nazar/hasad or maybe it's istakhira that's keep you from going with this. You seem quite attached to this non-mahram and don't want to let go. As you mentioned he is very sensitive, and it seems indecisive. Maybe it's best to find something else who would be better. As you mentioned, you are already 30. Do you want to keep waiting for something that isn't happening or let it go and find someone while you still have time?

    I"m just offering a different perspective than what others may say in telling you to hang in there and all. Perhaps a look at the reality of the situation is in order. I know you are emotional and quite attached to this person, or maybe you feel you won't find anyone at this age. Either way, you cannot force him and his inability to decide to continuously saying 'no' means maybe it's time to move on.

    Regarding dua. Yes, dua can change qadr. Nazar can as well. Which one will win may depend on which one is stronger. If it is nazar then it depends on who gave you nazar. Some nazar is strong enough to paralyze a person or even kill him on the spot. Dua too depends on the person. If the person's eman is strong and connected to the deen and he/she is upon the deen strongly then he/she will have her dua more likely to be accepted. If they are weak on the deen, such as not doing all prayers, fasting, dhikr, etc. and/or haram income or other sinful acts then their dua will be weak and less likely to make it to the heavens.

    Also, with regards to dua. There are 3 outcomes. It either gets accepted or it is used to avert a calamity that have befallen you, or it is saved and you get the ajr of it (not being granted) on J-day.

    As for your situation. In addition to what is stated above, I think it would be wise to listen to the wise adults in your life who are aware of the situation better than us rather then be emotionally attached to this and not being realistic.
    Last edited by aaj; 09-07-2016 at 08:42 PM.

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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    May Allah help you find a solution.

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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    Assalamu Alaikum @Maryam1

    Istikhara is to lead you both to what is better for your iman. If circumstances are not allowing you to get married, then make du'a and move on from it. Do not occupy yourself with worry and sadness. If he is meant for you, then qadr (destiny) will not change and under better circumstances you will get married. If he is not good for you then inshallah Allah will replace him with something better than you imagined. May Allah heal your broken heart. You can absolutely make du'a, and in fact du'a is what can change qadr, but I suggest that you ask Allah to grant you someone who is best for you and your afterlife inshallah. If this man is the man, then surely he will be in your future, and if he's not then someone better will replace him. May Allah ease your affairs ameen.
    | Likes Huzaifah ibn Adam liked this post
    Marriage & Dua

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    Jzk Khair for your response. I appreciate your honesty.

    Yes it seems like I am desperate to hear what I want to hear & I'll be the first to admit that. The reason I am like this is because I know even after making his decision he was hesitant. And his decision is based on nothing but fear of the future. His sisters divorce destroyed the family and now they live in paranoia. I don't want his fear to be the reason why he has ended this. He has been trying to get married for like 7 + years & he has suffered from Nazar for years.

    I have deleted his number, and have taken the advise given to me. We have accepted it. Moving on now. But my heart is broken & I have hope. Is this hope worth anything via duas? My question is can my dua have any impact on this situation? Allah has written our fate, is there a chance my dua will be granted? I sincerely believe by improving our deen, nazar will be eliminated, so that's the true battle.

    Allhamdulillah we pray our 5 namaz, fast, have done for a long time, I now even pray Quran everyday (not due to this) which is such an improvement in deen - still long way to go I know. But we are not bad people Allhamdulillah (I hope)

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    Maryam1's Avatar
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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    Quote Originally Posted by aaj View Post
    wasalaams

    If you know people will give the same advice you heard a million times then why are you still asking for advice? Are you expecting them to tell you what you want to hear rather then be sincere in their advice?

    You did istakhira, both of you did. Do you know the meaning/translation of the istakhira. You are asking Allah for His divine guidance into a matter. And if it is good for you then bless you with it, if it is not good for you then distance you from it.

    Maybe it's nazar/hasad or maybe it's istakhira that's keep you from going with this. You seem quite attached to this non-mahram and don't want to let go. As you mentioned he is very sensitive, and it seems indecisive. Maybe it's best to find something else who would be better. As you mentioned, you are already 30. Do you want to keep waiting for something that isn't happening or let it go and find someone while you still have time?

    I"m just offering a different perspective than what others may say in telling you to hang in there and all. Perhaps a look at the reality of the situation is in order. I know you are emotional and quite attached to this person, or maybe you feel you won't find anyone at this age. Either way, you cannot force him and his inability to decide to continuously saying 'no' means maybe it's time to move on.

    Regarding dua. Yes, dua can change qadr. Nazar can as well. Which one will win may depend on which one is stronger. If it is nazar then it depends on who gave you nazar. Some nazar is strong enough to paralyze a person or even kill him on the spot. Dua too depends on the person. If the person's eman is strong and connected to the deen and he/she is upon the deen strongly then he/she will have her dua more likely to be accepted. If they are weak on the deen, such as not doing all prayers, fasting, dhikr, etc. and/or haram income or other sinful acts then their dua will be weak and less likely to make it to the heavens.

    Also, with regards to dua. There are 3 outcomes. It either gets accepted or it is used to avert a calamity that have befallen you, or it is saved and you get the ajr of it (not being granted) on J-day.

    As for your situation. In addition to what is stated above, I think it would be wise to listen to the wise adults in your life who are aware of the situation better than us rather then be emotionally attached to this and not being realistic.


    Yes it seems like I am desperate to hear what I want to hear & I'll be the first to admit that. The reason I am like this is because I know even after making his decision he was hesitant. And his decision is based on nothing but fear of the future. His sisters divorce destroyed the family and now they live in paranoia. I don't want his fear to be the reason why he has ended this. He has been trying to get married for like 7 + years & he has suffered from Nazar for years.

    I have deleted his number, and have taken the advise given to me. We have accepted it. Moving on now. But my heart is broken & I have hope. Is this hope worth anything via duas? My question is can my dua have any impact on this situation? Allah has written our fate, is there a chance my dua will be granted? I sincerely believe by improving our deen, nazar will be eliminated, so that's the true battle.

    Allhamdulillah we pray our 5 namaz, fast, have done for a long time, I now even pray Quran everyday (not due to this) which is such an improvement in deen - still long way to go I know. But we are not bad people Allhamdulillah

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    Huzaifah ibn Adam's Avatar
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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    Rasoolullaah صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

    ما من مسلم تصيبه مصيبة فيقول ما أمره الله: إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون، اللهم أجرني في مصيبتي وأخلف لي خيرا منها إلا أجره الله في مصيبته وأخلف الله له خيرا منها.

    "There is no Muslim who is afflicted with any calamity and thereafter says what Allaah has commanded him to say: "Innaa Lillaahi wa Innaa Ilayhi Raaji`oon. Allaahumma Ajurnee fee Museebatee Wakhluf-lee Khayram Minhaa." (To Allaah we belong and to Him we shall return. O Allaah, reward me for the calamity [that has afflicted me] and grant me something better than it [i.e. what I've lost]), except that Allaah will reward him and substitute (whatever he/she has lost) with something better than it." [Narrated in Saheeh Muslim.]

    So read this Du`aa, sister, and know that Allaah Ta`aalaa will give you something much better, In Shaa Allaah. Much better than you could have imagined.

    May Allaah Ta`aalaa make things easy for you and protect you from all sadness and grief,


    آمين يا رب العالمين
    Marriage & Dua

    اللي مالوش حد له ربّنا

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    Maryam1's Avatar
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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    Jzk khair
    I want to be stronger I really do. Time is a healer please make dua for me
    I am gutted because we got on so so well and he is an amazing person
    Life has given me many tests and this is another one Allhamdulillah
    Please make dua

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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    Maybe In Shaa Allaah the two of you will get married in the end, anyway. The hearts of people are in the control of Allaah Ta`aalaa. He can change the heart of any person.
    Marriage & Dua

    اللي مالوش حد له ربّنا

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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    Quote Originally Posted by fhmn63 View Post
    May Allah help you find a solution.
    Ameen Jzk Khair

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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    Quote Originally Posted by Huzaifah ibn Adam View Post
    Maybe In Shaa Allaah the two of you will get married in the end, anyway. The hearts of people are in the control of Allaah Ta`aalaa. He can change the heart of any person.
    In Shaa Allah
    May Allah bring khair in his decision. May Allah give us strength. Ameen
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    aaj's Avatar
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    Re: Marriage & Dua

    If his sister's divorce devastated the family then that is something the family needs to get through and over, especially him. That usually happens with cultural Muslims who think divorce is the end of the world.If you are living in the East, then often times re-marriage is often very bleak but still not end of the world. Even if he is hesitant and feel insecure or afraid to make a commitment, this is something that he has to get through himself first. Until he knows where he stands and can be at peace with it, it will be difficult for him to move forward, especially with any commitments.

    I think all you can do for him is make dua that he and his family are above to overcome this trauma of theirs and are able to move forward. He has unresolved issues here and unless these are resolved, it will be difficult for him to move forward, as is evident from his inability to stick to a decision and attempting to marry for the past 7+ years.

    Regarding duas and nazar. Nazar is something something of supernatural realm. It requires a remedy and not just duas for the cure. The sunnah as prescribed the remedies one must perform in order to protect themselves from it happening and to relieve one self after this has happened. While Dua can change qadr, I don't know if dua alone is enough for to deal with nazar. One should also do ruqyah as prescribed in the sunnah.

    By improving your deen and reciting your daily morning and evening adkhars, you can prevent future nazar affecting you. As for the current one, it's best do ruqya as well. Reciting the Quran helps as there is shifa/healing in it.

    As for your dua being accepted. Only Allah knows. As mentioned previously, there are three outcomes for it.

    May Allah help him and his family get over their paranoia, issues and problems, and help you in your affairs and bless you with whats best for you. Ameen.


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