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I will be his second wife

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    SemiraE's Avatar Limited Member
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    I will be his second wife

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    Hello, I am sorry if this is not the place to ask this but here I go.

    I am a 22 years old Christian living in Europe. I met a Muslim man. We bonded very fast without realizing it...but we didn't have any sex other than some occasional kissing....

    heis married since 10 years and has 2 kids, now he wants me to marry him in Islam. What will that mean for me? But for him? Considering I will be his 2nd wife...

    I mention that I won't change my religion and his wife will have no knowledge about this marriage.

    about the religion... it's not that I don't want to but it's takes time to learn about a whole different world and We don't want to commit haram and have relations before being married

    What am I risking if I accept?

    and I know I seem like a horrible person....but please just restrain yourself to advices

    thank you!
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    sister herb's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    Hello to you

    Welcome to forum and thanks for sharing with us this interesting question.

    I don´t think you are horrible person at all so no need to worry about it in here. I am sure many think like I in this matter.

    You are planning to marry Muslim man and become his the second wife? Ok, Islam allows polygamy. Note that in Islam, if man takes more than one wife, he is obliged to treat both his wives equally. If he can´t, he shouldn´t marry with more than one. Also he has responsible to take care about his children. What it takes from you? You better not to be jealous if he still loves his the first wife, contacts her or helps her economically. He has right to have intimacy with her too.

    According the Islamic law, Shariah, polygamy is ok. But polygamy is illegal in Europe. So by law your marriage isn´t valid. And here start your problems.

    "A Muslim living in a non-Muslim society is obligated to follow the laws. We cannot say that their laws are contrary to the Shari`ah, so we have to follow the Shari`ah. Taking a second wife is not a necessary requirement; there is no mandatory duty on the Muslim to have a second wife.

    If a person has become a resident or a citizen in a European country, it is a condition for him to abide by its laws. When a Muslim man in a European country sticks to not having a second wife, it is like giving up a particular right according to his own Shari`ah. The person who has a second wife could be subject to criminal punishment."

    Source: http://www.islamawareness.net/Polygamy/fatwa001.html

    What I advice you to do is to meet some local imam and discuss about this matter with him.

    Note also that my comment was just one way to see this matter. Here might be other and different opinions too.
    Last edited by sister herb; 02-18-2017 at 11:56 AM.
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    keiv's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    Hate to be blunt here but, you're helping this man, who has a family, cheat on his wife. The fact that he's doing it in the first place is wrong, but the fact that you're helping him while knowing that his wife is oblivious of the situation is wrong as well.

    My advice would be to stay away from this guy. The fact that he's doing all this behind his wife's back just goes to show you how sleazy he is. There is nothing Islamic about what he's doing. You're still young. You're thinking about now and not the future.
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    SemiraE's Avatar Limited Member
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    As I know he is not obligated to inform his wife about it. He's gonna marry me in Islam not on paper at the city hall.... so I don't see your point here....
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    Can I talk with an imam if I'm not Muslim ?
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    format_quote Originally Posted by SemiraE View Post
    Can I talk with an imam if I'm not Muslim ?
    Of course you can.
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    I will be his second wife

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    Re: I will be his second wife

    format_quote Originally Posted by SemiraE View Post
    Hello, I am sorry if this is not the place to ask this but here I go. I am a 22 years old Christian living in Europe. I met a Muslim man. We bonded very fast without realizing it...but we didn't have any sex other than some occasional kissing....heis married since 10 years and has 2 kids, now he wants me to marry him in Islam. What will that mean for me? But for him? Considering I will be his 2nd wife...I mention that I won't change my religion and his wife will have no knowledge about this marriage.about the religion... it's not that I don't want to but it's takes time to learn about a whole different world and We don't want to commit haram and have relations before being marriedWhat am I risking if I accept?and I know I seem like a horrible person....but please just restrain yourself to advicesthank you!
    If he is serious for you then he must accept you as your wife before his family and relatives. He must have courage to stand by you in all circumstances.
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    I will be his second wife

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    Re: I will be his second wife

    format_quote Originally Posted by SemiraE View Post
    As I know he is not obligated to inform his wife about it. He's gonna marry me in Islam not on paper at the city hall.... so I don't see your point here....
    Note that also he has no right to lie to his the first wife. If he isn´t going to tell about your marriage to his the first wife (or to his relatives - if his relatives know about new marriage, it´s only a matter of time when also his the first wife knows), I would ask why not.
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    I will be his second wife

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    Re: I will be his second wife

    format_quote Originally Posted by SemiraE View Post
    As I know he is not obligated to inform his wife about it. He's gonna marry me in Islam not on paper at the city hall.... so I don't see your point here....
    - You guys aren't married
    - This guy is leaving his wife and kids at home while he is secretly away making out with another girl
    - What do you think will happen to his wife and kids once they find out about your secret marriage? Will he leave them for you? Leave you for them? Will his wife stick around? Will he be able to support both of you (including the children) financially?
    - This is what I mean by you thinking about the 'now' and not the future. Have you thought it all through or is this all being done on a whim because he charmed you?

    I'm not trying to be mean. I just want you to see the bigger picture here.


    format_quote Originally Posted by SemiraE View Post
    Can I talk with an imam if I'm not Muslim ?
    I would highly recommend that you do.
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    SemiraE's Avatar Limited Member
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    format_quote Originally Posted by keiv View Post
    - You guys aren't married
    - This guy is leaving his wife and kids at home while he is secretly away making out with another girl
    - What do you think will happen to his wife and kids once they find out about your secret marriage? Will he leave them for you? Leave you for them? Will his wife stick around? Will he be able to support both of you (including the children) financially?
    - This is what I mean by you thinking about the 'now' and not the future. Have you thought it all through or is this all being done on a whim because he charmed you?

    I'm not trying to be mean. I just want you to see the bigger picture here.




    I would highly recommend that you do.
    No worries I get you.
    We don't plan on making the marriage serious, like we won't leave together and he will not support me in any way but being besides me if you know what I mean.
    We know each other sine 2 months, I don't want him to leave his wife or kids and I don't plan on converting or any other major change regarding me and him for now.

    I need to know this man first, and I can't if we are not intimate and if he thinks he's doing haram even bough I know he is already just by talking with me for so long already leaving aside the making out part.

    he married young and I am the first one he does this with since then.
    He will never leave aside his children and I don't want him to do that. His wife is extremely jealous to the point she will kill herself without thinking about her kids if she would find out about me. And since this marriage won't be a serious one...I don't think it's a good idea to tell her.

    his father was the one who told him he should marry me after speaking with a local imam.

    so this marriage will be just so we can get to know each other and not committing a major sin.

    I am am not very pleased about it but...I do like him very much and he likes me. It's not about oriental charming here...
    we are serious people coming from a business environment The age difference is of -5 years
    I came here for an outside opinion.

    i don't know what will happen in the future but for now...

    I need to know what are my options. What will change if I do this and what will the consequences be. And how is the process of this marriage...what I have to do and so on...

    hope this picture is big enough for you to understand better and maybe give me some advice?
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    Umm♥Layth's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    You are selling yourself short and he is going to end up using you and ultimately hurting you badly, especially if there's kids involved in the future. You will live as a second secret wife with no Islamic rights and his first wife will likely always come first.

    Under no circumstances should you accept to support yourself, even if you can because you are basically giving him a free pass to just come around when he wants sex and he KNOWS THIS. He is playing you for a fool. I've seen this happen so many times, it's disgusting.

    Tell him to go home and fix his marital problems and take proper care of his marriage. Stay far away from him. If he is touching you in any way shape or form, he is not following Islam, and a man like that cannot and will not be fair to his wives. I cannot stress that enough dear. Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm tired of seeing my womenfolk getting used and abused all the time.
    Last edited by Umm♥Layth; 02-18-2017 at 08:17 PM.
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    I think if he is serious in this relationship he should first give respect to you by acknowledging her wife that he is marrying you . This thing will be very complicated later . And in the end when things get open. He will have choice to keep any one. He will leave u by saying that this marriage is not valid in Europe blah blah...
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    Sister, my ONLY advice is, get a hold of your heart. It is dragging you along and thus you cannot think straight. This whole love stuff is sickening, as it doesn't give you the ability to analyze the situation based on logic, rationality and reason.

    I am a guy and if you need to have advice regarding another man, you need another guy's perspective of the situation, as we men know what is lurking to take us over and control us. This guy is here ONLY to use you. If he had some dignity he would NEVER cheat on his wife. This is NO Islam whatsoever. This is not even Christianity. When one cheats on his wife, you can know that you will also become wrinkled and "ugly" on the outside for him in a couple of years. He is not interested in you as a human being with a wonderful personality..all he is after is your body. When you also become old and ugly for his taste, he will search further as he has done this with his current wife.

    The mentality of these guys is sickening.

    I cannot make the decision for you. That is all up to you. However know that if you still take this path and you end up as we are saying you will ending up. You cannot blame that guy. You cannot blame God. You cannot blame Christianity. You cannot blame your family. You cannot blame Islam. You can ONLY blame yourself.

    If you are hungry and somebody gives you food to eat. You decide to not eat despite being hungry, you are yourself to blame nobody else. So we give you food (STRONG advice), if you decide to not think rationally and follow (NOT eat the food) this STRONG advice, then you are on your own.

    Peace
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    format_quote Originally Posted by Simple_Person View Post
    Sister, my ONLY advice is, get a hold of your heart. It is dragging you along and thus you cannot think straight. This whole love stuff is sickening, as it doesn't give you the ability to analyze the situation based on logic, rationality and reason.

    I am a guy and if you need to have advice regarding another man, you need another guy's perspective of the situation, as we men know what is lurking to take us over and control us. This guy is here ONLY to use you. If he had some dignity he would NEVER cheat on his wife. This is NO Islam whatsoever. This is not even Christianity. When one cheats on his wife, you can know that you will also become wrinkled and "ugly" on the outside for him in a couple of years. He is not interested in you as a human being with a wonderful personality..all he is after is your body. When you also become old and ugly for his taste, he will search further as he has done this with his current wife.

    The mentality of these guys is sickening.

    I cannot make the decision for you. That is all up to you. However know that if you still take this path and you end up as we are saying you will ending up. You cannot blame that guy. You cannot blame God. You cannot blame Christianity. You cannot blame your family. You cannot blame Islam. You can ONLY blame yourself.

    If you are hungry and somebody gives you food to eat. You decide to not eat despite being hungry, you are yourself to blame nobody else. So we give you food (STRONG advice), if you decide to not think rationally and follow (NOT eat the food) this STRONG advice, then you are on your own.

    Peace
    Assalamualaikum brother,


    The situation that I m in, my husband is not using me for his bodily needs. He is taking complete financial care of me n my kids. Yes but to spare his love/ lust( he can't love anybody if he can't love his wife) and money he has quite many options. I have two small kids whom I can't leave with a person like him plus I don't have financial strength or parents support to upbring my kids. He has recorded my calls so he knows that I was indulged in shirk. But he has been cheating on me ever since I know him for 8 years before our marriage.. I don't know really what to do. I m already wrinkled and trashed from within. Also he is frustrated about what I have done to him. ( If he can't b mine physically then none else can own him) he is more frustrated from me. The magician refused to reverse that thing and says people come to me and then they ask to reverse the done but after sometime they again ask to do the same thing again. I m in the middle of nowhere. I really need peace. My life can't continue like this.
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    format_quote Originally Posted by Muslimaah2 View Post
    Assalamualaikum brother,


    The situation that I m in, my husband is not using me for his bodily needs. He is taking complete financial care of me n my kids. Yes but to spare his love/ lust( he can't love anybody if he can't love his wife) and money he has quite many options. I have two small kids whom I can't leave with a person like him plus I don't have financial strength or parents support to upbring my kids. He has recorded my calls so he knows that I was indulged in shirk. But he has been cheating on me ever since I know him for 8 years before our marriage.. I don't know really what to do. I m already wrinkled and trashed from within. Also he is frustrated about what I have done to him. ( If he can't b mine physically then none else can own him) he is more frustrated from me. The magician refused to reverse that thing and says people come to me and then they ask to reverse the done but after sometime they again ask to do the same thing again. I m in the middle of nowhere. I really need peace. My life can't continue like this.
    Sister, your biggest problem is your obsession with your husband. You want things to go how you want things to go, not how things go as they are destined to go. To give you a example. When you pour some water on the ground and leave it be, it will flow the easiest way down. It will NOT go as for example how YOU want it to go. This life is the same, we only are carried through it it not knowing where it will bring us or what situation we will face. I have read your topic last night, but i decided to not reply to it, as many other brothers and sisters already commented on it.

    However, i guess Allah(swt) made it so, that i have to reply to your problem. As this is what i mean with sometimes it cannot go as we want it. I did NOT want to reply to it, but it is NOT up to me what i want or not want, Allah(swt) made you reply on my comment in this topic that i cannot decide to "ignore" it. So Allah(swt) chooses also my path.

    You have NO and i mean ABSOLUTELY NO trust in Allah(swt). You THINK you control everything, but the ONLY control you and i have is the choice Allah(swt) gives us. Do you choose good or do you choose bad? Nothing else.

    Rasullah(saws) has said that what kind of spouse we have to choose to marry. In case of sisters, they have to choose a spouse that has good character and practices his deen accordingly. This was your first biggest mistake and you can only blame yourself. As you yourself said that you and him already committed sin before marrying one another. So don't be surprised that your husband is like this, as you have not followed Islam properly to have a successful marriage.

    Because you are obsessed with him, you are capable of all sort of things. I mean doing even shirk by using black magic says two things. You have committed shirk and thus left Islam and your husband has very weak imaan, or else it would have no effect on people with strong imaan as far as i know. So your marriage already was based on .."yeah we are Muslim"..that is enough type of mentality you could almost say.

    When one marries a spouse ..in other words completes his or her deen, the connection between you and him or him and you is Allah(swt). When your spouse dies, you know he is not death, but has returned to Allah(swt). However, this connection it seems you do not have. You are so to say emotionally directly attached to your husband instead first to Allah(swt) and then through Allah to your husband. If you would have emotionally attached to your husband through Allah. Than you would have easily let him(your husband) go. It is NOT your husband who takes care of you. It is Allah. Allah gives you food to eat, Allah gives you shelter, Allah gives you children, Allah gives you eyes to see, air to breath, tongue to speak. EVERYTHING is because of Allah. That Allah(swt) let your husband do what he wanted to do, is NOT Allah(swt) fault, it is YOUR fault. You married him and it was YOUR choice as any real practicing sister or brother would have already said that that guy wasn't a good choice to marry.

    So the question is, what now?

    - Stop this nonsense this instance..the whole shirk stuff, as you want things to go how you want it to go. It is Allah(swt) who decides how things should go (destiny). Give up your whole obsession with your husband.
    - Second thing, renew your Islam, as you currently are NOT a Muslim.
    - Third thing, make genuinely tubaw (repentance).
    - Fourth thing, Allah(swt) will take care of you even if you might think everything will head towards bad. Never think it will head towards bad. I mean you have committed shirk YET Allah(swt) has NOT ordained till now that you should die. This is ALSO part of his mercy so you have time to make tubaw.
    - Let things go as they are destined to go, like water going its own way. Surrender your control as Allah(swt) is the One in control.

    If your husband stays with you and stops doing all those stuff..then he stays with you..if your husband does not stay with you..then he does not stay with you. If your husband still commits adultery with other women then divorce him.

    Surrender to Allah(swt) and say to Him i give up as You are in charge and i know You do not bring any harm to your servants if they decide to follow Your path.

    BTW: Do not go to that magician anymore. So also not to "undo" as you still believe they have the power, however they have NO power. It is Allah(swt) who is permitting them to do those stuff.

    Also read your own topic as many brothers and sisters are giving good advice regarding tubaw.

    Peace and take care.
    Last edited by Simple_Person; 02-19-2017 at 07:22 AM.
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    Above answer looks good.
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    The things which should ring the alarm bells are:

    - "We don't plan on making the marriage serious"


    In Islam marriage is a serious thing which is meant for the life time (yes, divorce is possible but it´s not recommendable).

    It seems to me that he is trying to justify a close relationship with you as masking it as "Islamic marriage". Marriage for fun (or sex or "get to know each others") is not what in Islam marriage should means. It is a serious relationship and its purpose is the creation of family - just like in Christianity. Now it seems to be a western-style common-law marriage.

    - "His wife is extremely jealous to the point she will kill herself without thinking about her kids if she would find out about me. And since this marriage won't be a serious one...I don't think it's a good idea to tell her."

    No serious purpose for marriage, just spend some time with husband of other woman. This is called as cheating, not marriage. This man may feel it is a marriage if imam is involved with the process but to you? Not serious?

    This kind of marriage sounds like those temporary marriages of shias. But they aren´t Islamic marriages at all. This man is however a Sunni Muslim, right?
    I will be his second wife

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    Re: I will be his second wife

    Actually this sister is looking for fun ...look there are millions of people who feel deppressed and staying single due to not finding anybody to love them.Look for someone like that who values good family life and take care of you and family forever.
    | Likes Umm Abed liked this post
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  23. #19
    noraina's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    Assalamu alaykum,

    It's important to understand that if in most European countries you enter into a marriage as a second wife, it is not recognised legally. Meaning, you have *no* rights under the law and are at the mercy of this man.

    And, sadly, many Muslim men pull out the 'Oh but polygamy is halal' card. They're so keen to follow this 'voluntary' practise of Islam without following the 'fardh' or compulsory duties of Islam. For example, it is compulsory for a Muslim to have no contact with the opposite gender outside of marriage, and to respect the rights of his wife.

    And if a man cannot uphold the compulsory aspects of his religion, how can he be expected to honourably uphold that parts which are voluntary for him - such as taking on a second wife.

    I understand this may be hard to hear as you have feelings for this man, but please do not fall into this trap. He seems far from sincere and reliable, and just because he puts an 'Islamic' perspective on it, it does not mean that his outward religiosity reflects his inner character or personality. Definitely protect yourself, sister, as you're worth so much more, in'sha'Allah.
    I will be his second wife

    Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, Thabbit Qalbi Ala Deenik
    Oh turner of the Hearts make my heart firm on Your Deen


    islamb 1 - I will be his second wife



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  25. #20
    Kiro's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: I will be his second wife

    A man who is behind his wife's back is probably not a man of good character.

    What if that was your sister? Mother? Or daughter?

    Would you like it for them?
    Last edited by Kiro; 02-19-2017 at 10:15 PM.
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