All about me: depression, love, virginity, loneliness, muslim women, dreams....

format_quote Originally Posted by cinnamonrolls1

Maybe we got our wires crossed then( its an expression..)
I am not saying that its bad to marry a virgin. I am saying that if that is your absolute sole factor when looking for a spouse then its a bit unpractical( in my opinion). I mean lets say you have other criteria right? So lets say you meet.. Hmm a divorced woman who is like amazing but shes not a virgin, what would you do? Ofc ideally all non married muslims should be virgins because of zina not being allowed. I was also a bit confused because i didnt really read anything about your desire to be muslim because you like Islam etc. I would discourage you from making assumptions about the muslim community from a couple of our opinions.

Honestly your previous speech has bothered me.
A few years ago, when I still believed in the Catholic community, I had written in a Catholic forum asking for advice on this: why i cant meet a girl with my own values?
I suffered the worst humiliations and offenses especially by women (if you want I tell you), from that day I decided to get away from the whole community. I do not know if I'm better or worse, but I definitely dont want to be the same as them who use the word "God" as a shield and wipe their conscience.
One of the most painful offenses I've received is "You're mentally insane". And inside myself i started to think to have really some psychological problems. And do you know what i have done? I really went to a psychologist.
And when you wrote "unhealth mindset" I tried the same emotions again.

I am 28. Of course, I'm not a child, but why should I marry a divorced or widowed at my age?
If I were 50 then I should consider the fact that, at that age, I couldnt find some young girls but only mature women with a past behind, perhaps with children.

If I happened to meet a divorced 25-year-old girl I would not accept. And im not talking only about virginity. I would like my first experiences to be the first even of my future bride, without ghosts of her past: being able to have the opportunity to grow together, starting from the inexperience of both.

Greetings and peace be with you Artic090;

To freely choose to remain a virgin until the age of 28, and to seek a virgin bride is to be commended. But what would happen if you met a Catholic virgin, and you were both attracted to each other, would you still turn to Islam?

As our Muslim brothers and sisters have said, try and work out your priorities sincerely.

Blessings

Eric

Assalamu ALaikum

If he has been pure all of his life, for 28 years, then he deserves to choose whomever he wishes. Repenting to Allah can remove the sin, but it doesn't take away the experience. The repentance can make her a better worshipper, but some don't need to make that type of mistake to worship Allah better.

Brother @Artic090 there are pure CHASTE women out there. And as everyone has already mentioned, you do have other options as well but I know you're not interested in those. You will find what you're looking for in Islam, however if you genuinely seek Islam for MORE than the marriage as we all hope you are, then I suggest you learn ARABIC first so you can better understand the religion instead of learning Urdu. A chaste Muslim woman will want her husband to be knowledgable and pious in his religion. Which it seems you'd be willing to go above and beyond to be for someone you'd care about and respect, so I know that won't be too difficult for you to find the motivation for. I also suggest you seek Allah's guidance to whatever it is you desire first and foremost instead of talking to the people. The people will not get you anywhere. There are over 7 billion people and each has their own opinion and you will never please any of them, so seek Allah's guidance first and foremost.

I do want to highlight a few things about the etiquette of finding someone in Islam. Maybe in your culture it is ok to look at the woman for her beauty, but in Islam it's not allowed to stare or gaze at a woman. You should be lowering your gaze to protect yourself from temptation and as respect to her. Secondly freely talking to women about their chastity or sexual nature is absolutely forbidden as well. A girl who is open to talk to you in that manner will probably not be chaste even if she is a Muslim girl. So please keep that in mind. Finally, a girl has male relatives/guardians that you should seek to get approval from because ultimately they are who will be giving her away, even if she somehow falls in love or is interested in you. Therefore you want to present yourself as someone who is respectful, mindful, and pious, not as someone who is marriage-hungry/desperate.

I want you to sincerely look into Islam as the religion, not just the followers. THe followers come from EVERYWHERE with ALL TYPES OF HISTORY...so it would be unfair to judge all girls on chastity when some of them may have converted to Islam after they lost their virginity, or made mistakes due to ignorance, or any other reason. You do have your right to marry a chaste girl and they absolutely exist plentiful, but what I mean is don't expect every muslim in the world to be perfect, we will make mistakes and sin until we die. The girls you talk to may be the worst representation of Islam whereas the ones who are the best you may not find in the manner you are looking for them currently. Perfection is reserved for Allah only, so look into Islam the religion, don't only judge it by it's followers.

The older he gets, the less likely this desire of his isn't going to happen. I thought this guy was at most in his early 20's. This guy is reaching 30.

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The older he gets, the less likely this desire of his isn't going to happen. I thought this guy was at most in his early 20's. This guy is reaching 30.

format_quote Originally Posted by Misbah-Abd

The older he gets, the less likely this desire of his isn't going to happen. I thought this guy was at most in his early 20's. This guy is reaching 30.

I think 28 is a good age for marriage for men. Mid-Late 20's is pretty ideal. A guy's brain is fully developed at 25, so he is ready to be serious by the time he's 28. If it were the opposite, I'd definitely say that the clock is ticking lool. Younger than that would be great if he is mature and is able, but if he was able to remain chaste this long mashallah, then why not keep his values as they are? maybe there's a reason for it.

format_quote Originally Posted by *charisma*

I think 28 is a good age for marriage for men. Mid-Late 20's is pretty ideal. A guy's brain is fully developed at 25, so he is ready to be serious by the time he's 28. If it were the opposite, I'd definitely say that the tock is ticking lool. Younger than that would be great if he is mature and is able, but if he was able to remain chaste this long mashallah, then why not keep his values as they are? maybe there's a reason for it.

And we have seen what happens when men hold out especially priests who end up molesting boys since they are the ones who come into contact with them. Its better to find someone now and settle down then to pursue this obsession that he is more likely not going to find. He is really missing out on love everyday he remains stubborn.

format_quote Originally Posted by Misbah-Abd

And we have seen what happens when men hold out especially priests who end up molesting boys since they are the ones who come into contact with them. Its better to find someone now and settle down then to pursue this obsession that he is more likely not going to find. He is really missing out on love everyday he remains stubborn.

Do they do it because they held out or is it because they had this issue to begin with? Molestation is a form of zina as well so I don't think you should make such a correlation, otherwise we could jump to conclusions that every guy who's held out is secretly a child molester.

I'm not disagreeing with what you said in the end, but most guys in general would prefer a chaste woman especially if they are chaste as well because it's damn hard (i assume) for a guy to control his desires compared to a woman. I don't think a man who goes to marry a girl and she's like "soo I've slept with my boyfriend, but yeah i deeply regret it" he'd be all like "cool let's get married"..nope it'd either be an instant rejection or it may be something which he keeps in the back of his mind and will bother him. If they were both previously married, it would be a different situation...but the point is we do all have our own preferences and deal-breakers and the right to uphold them if we want. Maybe if he never finds the girl he wants he'd prefer to be single for the rest of his life because it will be unfair on his wife if he'd be unable to shake dark thoughts about her previous relationships..living in black and white..but hey it's his life.

Greetings and peace be with you Artic090;

All you can do is pray for guidance, I hope you will be blessed.

Eric

Hello friends,
sorry for the delay in responding.
I was able to do research, get direct and indirect testimonies.
I must surrender to the idea that Islam cant give me what I'm looking for.

Perhaps I will seem arrogant, but I have noticed the same hypocrisy, inconsistency, self-interest of the Catholic religion and of Catholic people.
I met a lot Muslim people i asked "Do you eat pork?" They reply "Absolutely not! It is forbidden by our religion!" ... or "Would you ever marry a Catholic boy?" "Oh, no, it would be against the will of my parents, of the Muslim community, but above all of Allah !.
To the question "Are you a virgin?" they start with "Ehm ... Umh ... so, actually we are all sinners, nobody is perfect, I'm Muslim but I do not follow all the rules, only God can judge me"


I also noticed this: it happens very often that a girl or a boy runs in the forums saying "I had sex before marriage" and everyone to say "Do not worry, ask forgiveness to Allah and he will do it".
Friends, believe me: in this way, Islam loses credibility! Why should a girl or a boy wait for marriage to have sex?
It's so simple, just ask Allah for forgiveness!
In this way the value of virginity will be completely destroyed, it will become impossible to find a virgin girl or boy....especially the new generation they think "If Allah forgives them that they have had sex, He can forgive me too".

Islam is not a supermarket where you can buy what you want and what you need. Why should a beautiful religion be destroyed by personal interests?

Perhaps someone will be disappointed that I wont be able to be part of Ummah, but you have to put in my shoes: Islam had made me born again, given new hopes, and I invested my future on it. Everything I had believed...well, it doesnt exist.

Again with your obsession with virginity like that defines all that the religion is. This is going to be one of the stupidest reasons for your going into the hellfire on the Day of Judgement unless you give up this perversion of yours so you can see the truth of Islam. Not to mention, if you are a Muslim and make it to Paradise, your going to get the pure innocent virgin maidens that will be one of your rewards. But miss out because you want it in this temporal life.

format_quote Originally Posted by Artic090

In this way the value of virginity will be completely destroyed, it will become impossible to find a virgin girl or boy....especially the new generation they think "If Allah forgives them that they have had sex, He can forgive me too".

Islam is not a supermarket where you can buy what you want and what you need. Why should a beautiful religion be destroyed by personal interests?

Perhaps someone will be disappointed that I wont be able to be part of Ummah, but you have to put in my shoes: Islam had made me born again, given new hopes, and I invested my future on it. Everything I had believed...well, it doesnt exist.

May I ask then what you would suggest for someone to advise that person to do?? If someone comes to you and says they have lost their virginity, what do you tell them to do? What should they do? You have presented the problem, what's your solution?

format_quote Originally Posted by Misbah-Abd

Again with your obsession with virginity like that defines all that the religion is. This is going to be one of the stupidest reasons for your going into the hellfire on the Day of Judgement unless you give up this perversion of yours so you can see the truth of Islam. Not to mention, if you are a Muslim and make it to Paradise, your going to get the pure innocent virgin maidens that will be one of your rewards. But miss out because you want it in this temporal life

Im very tired to read your posts against me, seriously!

You are finding the ways to provoke and offend me
My "obsession" is my personal choice, dictated by my moral.
And my morality is not perversion. Mine is a COHERENT choice: I am a virgin and I want a virgin girl. Where is perversion? Where is the hellfire?

If you're fine with a non-virgin girl, well, you're free to choose who you want. But stop, please, call my choice "obsession / perversion".

And stop called my intention "corrupted". If you arent agree with my choice, please, stay out by my topic. As i dont judge your choices, as you dont have to do with mine.

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format_quote Originally Posted by *charisma*

May I ask then what you would suggest for someone to advise that person to do?? If someone comes to you and says they have lost their virginity, what do you tell them to do? What should they do? You have presented the problem, what's your solution?

The best solution would be to follow the rules of Islam, and be consistent.
Nobody obliges anyone to have sex, having sex is a deliberate and premeditated choice. When you have sex (out of wedlock) you know you're sinning, so why then regret it all?
Maybe in this case, the parents and relatives should be more present.

In this way faithful people, especially the new generations, think that religion is like a videogames, a virtual world.

I would not want this mechanism of thought to take off: "we all have a pass, a wildcard for sex. we do it, we enjoy it, and then we apologize."

So I tell you: doing so, the value of premarital virginity will be totally lost. Nobody will marry virgin and chaste, because everyone has used that "wildcard".