Need help with Life decision -married life issues

**DavidM** · 04-11-2018

AssalamuAlaikum brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts.

I have been married to a revert for 4 years now, we have 2 children, one 2 and a newborn.

When I married my wife we planned to live on our own, but my dad was persistent and got us to live with them. The house was full with me and my wife, my brother and his wife and son, my sister, and my parents.

My parents are both in their 70s. My dad and my sister control the house. My dad has been overcontrolling of our lives and still is.

My wife has not gotten used to our culture, I had promised her that we'd move out once the house is paid for. We began having issues between my siblings and my wife, which led to my brother and his family moving out. My brother had promised he'd never leave the house, but to fix his relationship with his wife he moved out. Which left me my wife and my sister with my parents.

My wife hasn't said much but she has shown she has wanted to move out on our own.

My brother and his family visit and sleep over every weekend, which still causes us issues at times. We argue and most of the time it's due to conversations our wives have.

My wife hasn't felt this to be her house as she can't change anything, can't design etc.

I don't know what to do. If i were to tell my parents we want to move out, my whole family will turn on me. My family follows culture more than religion, it's our culture that says the son has to take care of the parents.

But with my brother gone, everyone will be mad at me to a point they might not forgive me.

If i don't find another place, my wife will be upset and sad.

We recently finished paying for our house, but I'm scared of getting disowned, or anything else to the point i'll be blamed forever. They may never speak to me again, but it's causing issues within my own marriage.

My dad is not one to let this go easily and will not be happy one bit, he has a temper issue, and gets angry if he does not get his way. I'm afraid and not sure what i should do. Please help/

**Misbah-Abd** · 04-11-2018

I don't know what culture says that you have to live with parents until they pass away but seems a bit much when you got multiple families living cramped under one roof. And the fact that there is in fighting suggests tension. I can understand that a wife want a nest of her own to raise children and make day to day decisions for her family. Culture can't take precedence when there is fitnah involved. The fitnah must be removed and that would suggest removing yourself and family away from it . Parents can still be respected but don't have the right to force their children to live with them all their lives. You have a right to your own space and so does your wife.

**MazharShafiq** · 04-11-2018

w Slam
Parents can still be respected but don't have the right to force their children to live with them all their lives. You have a right to your own space and so does your wife.

**azc** · 04-11-2018

Can you convince your father to let you live in a separate home. Talk when he is happy with you.

Or

Convince your wife to keep patience as your father can disown if gets angry.

Be calm in all situations.

**Tayiba** · 04-12-2018

I think you must talk to your parents about how you and your wife feels and what, why you want to do. They are your parents after all and at the age of 70 may Allah bless them. Ameen

You say that your father has a short fuse, well if talking and explaining does not often go smoothly and understood then maybe you can try write to your parents, so both can calmly read it together? You do not have to be away to give the letters to both your parents, you can simply hand it to them and 2 gifts at a quiet time and go about your day. Writing can be a helpful way to express how you feeling and explain without confrontation,

verily, with every hardship comes ease! 94:6
Be patient some more with your parents and family, as hardships can teach the value of ease and to be responsible and grateful when everything becomes stress-free. May Allah grant you and wife patience and relief, Ameen