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  1. #1
    peacefulone's Avatar
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    Cool polygamy and my rational thought diatribe

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    assalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
    I know people here have seen this topic come up a million times and are probably tired of it but I did a search for my question and only found 5 posts none of which were very relevant.

    All humans can change their feelings just like that. It could be one day he loves you most of all and the next month he's with her and says he loves her most of all. And what if you stumble over a text or love note to her. Its really a trying situation. I love my husband and I know love does not have to be matched 50/50 for it to be real so IF he loves someone else then given the mentality of men, I might let him stay in a halal relationship with both of us.

    Heres my rationalization:
    So if he loves the other woman and its a halal relationship, my love for him should not want to sever that relationship and cause him pain, as long has he is not make my life harder (ignoring me, not giving me time, etc). I think one rationalization we can make is that woman actually CAN control their feelings more than men. We have more experience talking about our feelings and mulling things over in our head before making a choice. How many times (in mostly non muslim countries) have we heard about that crazy man in a group of men at a bar or club taking a woman home because he feels like it and in one night destroys his whole family and married life (as he did something haraam and unfair to Allah and his wife and family) because she will always find out eventually (ie someone saw them, he confesses, she finds evidence, etc). It happens way more with men that can't control their lust and wind up in an intimate situation they can't control and cannot stop. But its not so common at least from my 38 years of seeing things in this world for a woman to do the same. Women can step out of those situations by calling a friend and talking or distracting herself or just not getting engaged in those things when they are being started.
    My point is that women have the ability to see the bigger picture even if the risk of harm is small (like hurting only one man as opposed to multiple wives).They don't need lots of help to prevent them from cheating. so women can decline a guys advances more simply and quickly and be happy with their one husband.
    I think men, on the other hand, benefit more from having to invest more in multiple wives. They have to give more of their time, attention, money and resources and at the end of the day they will be stretched to the max in terms of energy and time if they are doing it right. Men have a natural advantage that they tend to be able to endure stress like that much better than women. They can find the energy almost out of nowhere to push through obstacles. Maybe that is why they are cut out for polygyny. So if a lady comes along who is attractive and beautiful, but he already has enough wives to handle, then he can see in his head that he is pushed to his max level of commitment and responsability than he can get tired thinking about the whole thing and leave it. My point is that it takes more of a responsability and more pressure to change mens minds, they need that pressure to help them avoid the haraam so its actually to womens advantage to let them marry enough women they can AFFORD to marry. I think women can change in relatively simple ways by listening to feelings and thoughts and respecting the outcome and women do not need all this pressure to change.
    Another thought of mine is that women give all they have to the men they love. They don't ration out their love like its going to run out. So it is hard for me to imagine loving multiple men at once and giving everything to all of them. Thats kind of illogical and ridiculous. Women even though they have a better handle on understanding feelings, they do not deal with love in practical ways. That shows up when women go all in on whatever plans their husband has and invest in things for him like houses and cars and end up the loser in the end when he divorces them and leaves them in debt. it sounds crazy right? But look at all the divorced women who actually are in debt after marriage which is not from the courts, it is usually from them giving their money out of love to their husband. Yeah sounds unislamic but it does happen frequently especially with nonmuslims, and its part of the womens mentality of going all in for love of one man. Now imagine them doing that with multiple men? That would not happen because its theoretically impossible.
    Does this make sense to anyone?
    I think this rationalization helps me to feel better about if I would be in polygamy or probably already am as the nature of men is to hunt even if one women loves them to the max. They will hunt until they exhaust their resources and because the goal is to come back with enough not to get one and go home.

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    Zafran's Avatar
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    Re: polygamy and my rational thought diatribe


    I think your generalizing people to much - some women cant deal with men being with more then 1 wife (most men are monogamous). Women can be as jealous and adulterous as men. The difference is that society lets men get away with alot more then women. Women are normally stuck with the kids.

    Another thing is that not all men are responsible some men are just slaves to there lower nafs of lust and greed. One needs to work to control that - thats a real man - the one that has good akhlaq (Character) and adab (manners), Taqwa (God fearing). Not an animal that jumps to women to women.

    My 2 cents.
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    polygamy and my rational thought diatribe

    Do you think the pious don't sin?

    They merely:
    Veiled themselves and didn't flaunt it
    Sought forgiveness and didn't persist
    Took ownership of it and don't justify it
    And acted with excellence after they had erred - Ibn al-Qayyim

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