College, Time Management, and Friendships

**haal** · 09-25-2019

Salam,

It is currently my first year attending college at Cambridge. Myself and a few friends came here, and thus I don't feel alone and tend to always be busy whether it be studying or conversing. A notable friend of these, a female, took my interest during high school, and as such we grew closer though nothing more occurred. Once we realized we were attending the same college, we became close again nearing the end of summer and now, during most of our non-class time, spend time studying together.

This is of course great, until I start putting her agenda and priorities and satisfactions ahead of my own. I tend to make time where there is none, afraid of saying no and unsatisfying her. To an extent, I feel obligated to her due to our history though on a different note, at times, perceive a future in which she is a part of. Currently though, I do not know what I want, due to this:

Last year, our last year of high school, I split from a long-time best friend. He was much closer to this female than I was, wanted much more, and saw me as a threat slowly as the year progressed, and thus began despising me, manipulating others to also despise me and think twice about their stance on me. I attempted to make amends, and did so temporarily during the summer, though I came to the realization that he only made amends with me to make amends with her, as she couldn't understand why he still despised me.

Now, this person is still very close and in touch with her, though long-distance as he attends a different university, and has again began to despise me and manipulate others into the same, and I am unsure as to why, whether it be jealousy, anger, or fear.

I feel as if her relationship with him affects that of mine with her, though I constantly have thoughts of putting her to the side to focus on my studies despite the fact that my studies are going well. Despite the fact that she is my closest friend here and I spend the most time with her, I feel sometimes as though that is only because of our history and because I am without choice and without others.

At times I feel exhausted of helping others, and at other times, in the moment, I couldn't imagine it being any other way (as in, to clarify, I enjoy helping her).

All in all, I am confused and need some guidance. I have been praying for answers and continue to do so.

Thank you in advance.

***charisma*** · 09-25-2019

Originally Posted by haal

Salam,

It is currently my first year attending college at Cambridge. Myself and a few friends came here, and thus I don't feel alone and tend to always be busy whether it be studying or conversing. A notable friend of these, a female, took my interest during high school, and as such we grew closer though nothing more occurred. Once we realized we were attending the same college, we became close again nearing the end of summer and now, during most of our non-class time, spend time studying together.

This is of course great, until I start putting her agenda and priorities and satisfactions ahead of my own. I tend to make time where there is none, afraid of saying no and unsatisfying her. To an extent, I feel obligated to her due to our history though on a different note, at times, perceive a future in which she is a part of. Currently though, I do not know what I want, due to this:

Last year, our last year of high school, I split from a long-time best friend. He was much closer to this female than I was, wanted much more, and saw me as a threat slowly as the year progressed, and thus began despising me, manipulating others to also despise me and think twice about their stance on me. I attempted to make amends, and did so temporarily during the summer, though I came to the realization that he only made amends with me to make amends with her, as she couldn't understand why he still despised me.

Now, this person is still very close and in touch with her, though long-distance as he attends a different university, and has again began to despise me and manipulate others into the same, and I am unsure as to why, whether it be jealousy, anger, or fear.

I feel as if her relationship with him affects that of mine with her, though I constantly have thoughts of putting her to the side to focus on my studies despite the fact that my studies are going well. Despite the fact that she is my closest friend here and I spend the most time with her, I feel sometimes as though that is only because of our history and because I am without choice and without others.

At times I feel exhausted of helping others, and at other times, in the moment, I couldn't imagine it being any other way (as in, to clarify, I enjoy helping her).

All in all, I am confused and need some guidance. I have been praying for answers and continue to do so.

Thank you in advance.

Walaikum Assalaam

Listen to your brain not your heart. Stay away from the girl and focus on your studies. Take heed of this advice. Trust in Allah that if this girl is meant for you, then Allah will make the road to her very clear and apparent and you will not be having this conflict inside of you. IF she is not meant for you then you have given yourself ample time to forget about her and move on to whatever Allah has in store for you. This internal conflict you're having happens when you feel there is something wrong. It's harming your conscience but you also don't want to lose something that you believe to be special. Leave the special thing to Allah and clear your conscience by doing what is right. Shaytan will play with your head if you don't and this can go sideways very quickly.

**haal** · 09-25-2019

Originally Posted by *charisma*

Walaikum Assalaam

Listen to your brain not your heart. Stay away from the girl and focus on your studies. Take heed of this advice. Trust in Allah that if this girl is meant for you, then Allah will make the road to her very clear and apparent and you will not be having this conflict inside of you. IF she is not meant for you then you have given yourself ample time to forget about her and move on to whatever Allah has in store for you. This internal conflict you're having happens when you feel there is something wrong. It's harming your conscience but you also don't want to lose something that you believe to be special. Leave the special thing to Allah and clear your conscience by doing what is right. Shaytan will play with your head if you don't and this can go sideways very quickly.

I definitely enjoyed reading this, though wish it was that easy. As I mentioned, I find it hard to distance myself and feel as if I do, I may just be overthinking what may be a simple friendship and do more harm than good.

***charisma*** · 09-25-2019

Originally Posted by haal

I definitely enjoyed reading this, though wish it was that easy. As I mentioned, I find it hard to distance myself and feel as if I do, I may just be overthinking what may be a simple friendship and do more harm than good.

You may definitely be doing that, but even if you weren't it'll still be harmful for you. Because either 1) you'll fall into committing more sins which you've already done since you've grown fond of her (ie. not lowering your gaze, being alone together, feeling as if you're obligated to help her and be there for her while slowly neglecting your priorities and your studies), 2) you will grow more fond of her but realize it was never anything to her more than just getting help from you which will break your heart and affect you emotionally and psychologically, 3) she may not be the right girl for you and she may lead you on without having any intentions of marrying you which will suck, 4) Everything is going well, but Allah's decree stands in the way, and for whatever reason you just do not end up together which will not be worth the pain because it will take away your happiness from what is meant for you.

If you are truly interested in her romantically, then take the steps of asking for her hand properly through her wali. Even if she rejects you, at least you will know and you won't be guessing and bothering yourself with the "what if"s, heartbreaks, sins, and so on. If you are interested in her romantically but do not want to pursue her right now, then stay away from her. I'm sure you'll be able to find her once you're ready and explain everything at that point and ask for her hand. Trust me she will respect you 100% more for doing this. Also if Allah blesses you with good job prospects and you are able to protect yourself from going down this rabbit hole, then surely you will be more eligible for marriage and Allah will not forsake you from it. Who knows, maybe you will grow fond of someone else who is more suitable for you, but either way you will never know if you stay close to this person while angering Allah for not lowering your gaze and getting close to her. Allah can choose to punish you in this world and remove you from being successful. It seems that you have a good head on your shoulders, so stick to what is right and feel content with that. Let your heart feel cool and happy, not confused and knotted. Sleep with a clean conscience.

**'Abdullah** · 09-25-2019

Originally Posted by haal

Salam,

It is currently my first year attending college at Cambridge. Myself and a few friends came here, and thus I don't feel alone and tend to always be busy whether it be studying or conversing. A notable friend of these, a female, took my interest during high school, and as such we grew closer though nothing more occurred. Once we realized we were attending the same college, we became close again nearing the end of summer and now, during most of our non-class time, spend time studying together.

This is of course great, until I start putting her agenda and priorities and satisfactions ahead of my own. I tend to make time where there is none, afraid of saying no and unsatisfying her. To an extent, I feel obligated to her due to our history though on a different note, at times, perceive a future in which she is a part of. Currently though, I do not know what I want, due to this:

Last year, our last year of high school, I split from a long-time best friend. He was much closer to this female than I was, wanted much more, and saw me as a threat slowly as the year progressed, and thus began despising me, manipulating others to also despise me and think twice about their stance on me. I attempted to make amends, and did so temporarily during the summer, though I came to the realization that he only made amends with me to make amends with her, as she couldn't understand why he still despised me.

Now, this person is still very close and in touch with her, though long-distance as he attends a different university, and has again began to despise me and manipulate others into the same, and I am unsure as to why, whether it be jealousy, anger, or fear.

I feel as if her relationship with him affects that of mine with her, though I constantly have thoughts of putting her to the side to focus on my studies despite the fact that my studies are going well. Despite the fact that she is my closest friend here and I spend the most time with her, I feel sometimes as though that is only because of our history and because I am without choice and without others.

At times I feel exhausted of helping others, and at other times, in the moment, I couldn't imagine it being any other way (as in, to clarify, I enjoy helping her).

All in all, I am confused and need some guidance. I have been praying for answers and continue to do so.

Thank you in advance.

If your close friends can create some stories and manipulate others using your interaction with this female then it could be dangerous in future for you and for her. Talk to her directly that people are making up stories about your friendship with her and for you it is very important to know if she has any other feelings about you. If she says yes then talk to your parents and arrange to have nikkah. If she says no then part your ways and tell her that it is best for both of us to end this friendship because these rumors may have a negative impact on her and your life in future.

**keiv** · 09-26-2019

This is of course great, until I start putting her agenda and priorities and satisfactions ahead of my own.

That's not good. Good for her maybe, not for you. Better make your intentions clear to her before you get "friend zoned". I've seen guys go out of their ways for girls who never really cared for them in that kind of way and the girl would play along with it to take advantage of the situation but the guy was too blind to realize it despite everyone telling him otherwise. Regardless of what you decide to do, you need to make sure you stick to the Islamic principles on this one. I think the story of Barsisa is a good example of how the shaytaan works in case you think it can't happen to you.