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  1. #1
    Array Muslima97's Avatar
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    Fiancee and porn (OP)


    Hi, i feel embarrased to even ask such a question. But i need some help. I am supposed to have my nikkah with a man who recently confessed to me that he has watched p*** and has also masturb.- Due to stress. He prays, fasts and i honestly did not see this coming. I thought maybe when a boy is young he slips but to know that he watches and induldged in such acts has left me feeling uneasy. I told him how before me, he must fear Allah Swt. He was very guilty and said he will stop completly but it isnt easy, and he honestly had forgotten/lost sight of the magnitude of that sin. He prayed for repentence. But its only been a few days since all this has happend. I dont know how to even approach this situation. Do i still marry him knowing this, i dont know.

  2. #21
    M.I.A.'s Avatar
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    Re: Fiancee and porn

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    Quote Originally Posted by HabibUrrehman View Post
    Thank God that Allah will be the Judge on the day of Judgement. If it is upto the humans then they would not forgive their own parents and kids.

    Why we need to be so extreme? We should hate the sin and not the person. If someone needs help to be cured spiritually or physically and if it is possible for us to help, then we should help them.
    What would you do if the guy we are discussing is your real brother? Would you stop talking to him and socially boycott him because according to your description he is hypocrite and one should stay away from evil people. Would you not look to help him? What would you do if your own son has this disease? Would you never search to marry him with someone?

    Is it possible that he is doing this because he never had halal means to fulfil his sexual desires? This is one of the major reason. We are so much focused inbuilding our careers that it has become a norm to get married in late 30's. Even when a guy wants to get married, his parents will say no, you need build your career first.

    Is it possible that once he has halal means he can be cured? Yes, more than 80% are able to get rid of this habit after getting married. Marriage is a new start of life for many and most people seriously starting following Islam after getting married. That is why marriage is said to be half the faith.

    What could happen if sister says no after he trusted her? His parents and may be the friends would also find out that why he was rejected and this could be a final straw for him. He could be humiliated to a point that he would prefer to find the company of people who will not make fun of him and would say what he is doing is normal. Those friends could be non Muslims and could take him away from Islam. Anyways this is how we turn people away from Islam. People make mistakes and when they repent, we should try to provide them the good company they need. If our good can't change a bad person then we also have a problem.

    From what I understand, the guy is remorseful and sincere. He could have kept this a secret and there is nothing which OP could do about that. We should appreciate his sincerity. It appears that the guy is now praying regularly. I dont know how sincerely he is practicing Islam but I would give him benefit of doubt.

    Sister who originally posted this question knows her situation better and knows how sincere this guy is and we should leave it up to her to decide.
    We should hate the sin and not the person
    yeah really because most people are unaware of how they behave and what moves them at the very heart of it.
    allah swt is very much real and the whisperings of the shaitan are also.
    people do feel remorse and there is hope for those that want to change and distance their sins from themselves.. and those that follow them.

    we are easily mislead by false desires.. things that we really do not want once we reflect on them and think rationally about them.. and if we are strong enough to say no to the people that may offer them to us, then we should be able to reject them when our own minds present them.

    as for the opening post, its entirely up to her if she says no to what is being offered.

    i dont know what the correct choice is or what living a successful life is about.. because i was and am far from perfect..

    in a selfish world, i dont know if he was sent to her or if she was sent to him..

    but ghandi said..

    “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”


    and some actions do carry weight.

    ..i dont know much about ghandi but i saw it somewhere and consider it to make sense in isolation.


    Chapter (45) sūrat l-jāthiyah (Crouching)


    Sahih International: Have you seen he who has taken as his god his [own] desire, and Allah has sent him astray due to knowledge and has set a seal upon his hearing and his heart and put over his vision a veil? So who will guide him after Allah ? Then will you not be reminded?
    Last edited by M.I.A.; 4 Days Ago at 01:53 PM.

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  4. #22
    Studentofdeed's Avatar
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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    First of all, we should never accuse any one of hypocricy. Second if the brother trusted the sister with his problem, we have to understand why he told her. Was it because he wanted to entice her or was it because he was planning on still doing it and her catching him on it. Or he could have genuinely stopped and only telling her out of shame and regret. We need to look at the intention. Honestly if has other good conduct such as 5 times salah, tahjjud, quran and good to his wife, then this is simply an affliction and a test the brother is struggling from. He could have been unknowingly exposed to it and since then stuck with it. I know good brothers who have better character than me and tahajjud, salah, quran and even are hafiz!! Even me I used to listen to music because the culture and environment exposed it to me. Once I learned it was bad I was able to quit. So the brother could be trying to quit but he could be addicted. So pray istikhara because Allah knows best and if it is good for you, allah will make it easy and if not then allah will make it difficult.

  5. #23
    HabibUrrehman's Avatar
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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    Islam allows Muslim men to marry Christian and Jewish women. Do we ever ponder on this why, I mean we are talking about marrying a non-Muslim here? Because there is a good chance that these women will accept Islam if we Muslim men practice Islam. Islam is that tolerant and easy. Please don't make it hard for yourself and others.

    Unfortnately some brothers have given very extreme views to this post and pretty much have declared this guy a hyporite. We try to preach Islam to non Muslims and hate our own Muslim brothers and sisters. We are quick to judge others and forget that Allah knows everything and he knows our shortcoming as well. If someone is accepting his mistake and is trying to overcome it, we should support him instead of start passing our judgement and fatwas.

    Islam cured people who were addicted to drugs and alcohol. It is very easy for Allah to help us overcome our shortcomings. All we need is to sincerely ask Him for help. Please love your Muslim brothers and sisters even if they are not at the same level of faith as you may be. Please try to support each other in a positive way and stop calling Muslims kaffir or hypocrites.
    | Likes Studentofdeed, Ümit liked this post

  6. #24
    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    Giving muslims hasn ad-adhan and trusting them and being merciful, forgiving etc etc and giving them a chance etc applies when the outcome of your entire future doesn't depend on it

    When it comes to marraige, it's best not take risks, and not only that, a hyoocryt type major sinner shouldn't be even an option.

    The heart is the most important thing in Islam. If we worship all our lives and don't have a sound heart on Qiyama, it's hell . . The eyes are like a camera, whatever we view, a picture of that is embedded in our hearts, so the sin that fills our heart with incredibly satanic filthy stuff is not to be taken lightly

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    HabibUrrehman's Avatar
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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    May Allah give us better understanding of Islam and soften our hearts! Ameen!

    Its useless to argue. I think sister has got enough opinions and she knows that whatever decision she needs to make is important for her life. So let's not comment on this post any more, variety of opinions will only confuse and stress her out. My advice to the sister is to make sure not to stress out. Eat well, sleep well and pray to Allah to guide you in making the right decision. If it is too much for you to handle, share this with your parents and seek their advice.

    Good luck, our prayers are with you!
    Last edited by HabibUrrehman; 4 Days Ago at 09:56 PM.
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  9. #26
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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    One more thing I'll add, is, ofcourse one can do tawbah for sins, but with porn addiction, the desease is very severe and before the desease can go away with maybe few days of worship and repentance... The desease is always renewed time and time again, so the addict remains a sick deseased hypocryt for decades or all his life

  10. #27
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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    Has the definition for a munafiq changed, or have I misunderstood it’s meaning?

    I also think he made the mistake of openly exposing this sin of his. He should not be looking for a wife unless he knows he can control his urges. The problem with society is that there is so much pressure for people to get married and that it’s the miracle cure for everything. Unfortunately, if you have a perverted heart, chances are marriage will not fix that. It’s been known that people who are addicted to porn are not all sexually depraved people. It’s the same with people who cheat. There are countless stories of married couples who engage in zina for various reasons.

    unfortunately, I don’t think anyone here can give you a yes or no answer to this complicated issue.

  11. #28
    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    @Muslimah 97 Do let us know what you decided Sister, even choosing to go for it could work out as Allah just may give him taufiq to give it up. Include a clause in marraige contract (just a verbal agreement) that if he watches... Then it's over!

    All the best

    Last edited by Ahmed.; 2 Days Ago at 05:50 PM.

  12. #29
    Scimitar's Avatar
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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    men are distracted by women...

    so marry him and get busy, distracting him,

    it’s basic instinct!
    Fiancee and porn


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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    She have work to do marrying him. SHE HAVE zero space for ignoring his sexual needs. She have to always look good for him even if she is exhausted, she have to look for him. EXECUTE ULTRA-FEMININITY, be super soft, super feminine, smell so good that bees and wasps think you are a flower to be pollinated, always look good, eat healthy, sing for him, give him his sexual need to a point he cannot think about it anymore. Next, you have to give him so many kids and have busy raising them...put 80% of the raising from him and 20% from your end, make sure he have lots of kids so he works so many hours too. Have him check their homework, take them to school, take them to doctors, have him take them to activities, if he have sons he should be playing with them that he is drained at the end of the day.

    He should take them to mosques and Qura'an classes, maybe he can join them in class too. Make sure he is busy fixing the home, doing painting and other house errands...at the end of the day he only want to put his head on the pillow and sleep. You have your hands worked out for you. If his mind and body is sooooooooo busy he wouldn't even think of doing porno. Oh...having him do fasting for Allah to gain his good deeds, fasting will drain sexual energy and Allah will protect him from haraam and evil thinking.

    OP, you have a project on your hands. Get ready for a project!

    THE SECOND however...you trip...get lazy from fulfilling his desires...nagging him, pushing him away from you, domineering, condescending, never grateful for what he offers, he always feels that no matter how hard he do it...it is never good enough...he asks for your company and you make him jump hoops...you have easily pushed him to the haraam gate and you joined him with it. Whatever haraam he does then you will share his sins in akhira and in additional for committing major sin for disobeying him and denying him his rights as you will have the angels and every creation cursing you.


    Soooo......are you ready for this?

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    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    OP is a very decent clean Sister, if she has had this horrified reaction to him watching porn and masrurbating, this means she has saved herself from this evil sickness and protected her heart from hypicrysy. Such a girl risks an unsettled life with a porn addict and also her iman could be at risk....

    She really should choose a clean sincere guy like her...

    If she was a 'watcher' herself, I would have said, go for it!

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    Re: Fiancee and porn

    I dont want to comment any further as our sister needs to figure out what's best for her.

    But here we do have a lesson for anyone who is planning to get married and either had some affairs or similar issues as mentioned in this post in their past. If you have repented sincerely and promised with Allah not to commit the sins you have committed in the past, DO NOT SHARE THEM WITH YOUR FUTURE WIFE OR HUSBAND. This way you expose your sins for which you have already asked Allah for forgiveness, hide your sins and hope Allah will also keep them covered on the day of judgement.

    But if you are in the habit of committing some sins for which you have neither repented nor made any attempt to quite those, then you should not hide those from your future wife or husband. For example, if someone is addicted to alcohol and his parents want to marry him thinking that after marriage he may give up on alcohol then its wrong.


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