in Islam we do not boycott anyone but when say if person no longer makes an effort to be in your life, are you obligated to still speak to him or make efforts? Or is it okay that if he does not talk to you, then you don't talk to them but you answer the Salaams and the basic rights...is that okay?
Because I realized I have been making way too much effort for being friends with people and realized none of them had made an effort so I decided to leave them to theirs elves.
Is this okay in terms of friendship or is it considered boycotting?
Now in the case of family...this is complicated...my uncles, aunts, cousins, are not exactly good people in my opinion and are all about that drama and fakeness. When I was critically ill, none of them had the decency to ask or call abr how I was doing. In fact many of their true colors was shown. I was angry with them for a time but then forgsve them however I just stick to salaams and do not talk much with them either. Same case with my brother. I literally would message him and he would read it and not respond. Even when I was dying , he did not call unless my mother told him to. He is indifferent and yet is the golden child. I keep it polite and casual but want to ask, is what I am doing permissible? I say Salaam if they salaam but will not go put of the way because everytime i did, it got shut down. I no longer will make an effort. If he says salaam or speaks, I will speak back. If he needs my help, I will help. But as far as I'm concerned I do not want to make any more efforts. Is this permitted?
Alot of this stems from paranoia and do not want to get backstabed so I'm always looking for ways to keep my friends few and keep minimum people in my life
Re: Is this considered as boycotting or permissible?
I will be interested also to hear any responses that can provide Islamic knowledge on this with quotes to Quran or Hadith to any references made. Because as you say you have not completely cut the cord here ; you still have a relationship with your family.....you aren't turning down any direct greeting from them, if they needed you, you would be there, if help was required of you, you would give it etc but aren't making any initiation if it is not made toward you first ( because of being let down by them before ). You say you forgave them, but you are still upset by it. Perhaps deep down you haven't truly forgiven them ?? You are holding onto the hurt from before plus in addition are now carrying the fear of future rejection by them ). Have you spoken to them about your feelings towards the past events I.e how much it has affected you and as a result you feel hesitant to approach them ? If you haven't done so, do so, but in the nicest way possible. If you did so, whilst your emotions were running high, try again. If some time has passed you are more likely to be able to talk about it in a calmer and more effective way, than when it was fresh and you were charged. If you have already tried both, with no luck of reaching a mutual understanding then perhaps you need more time. There were things I held against my sister when we were very young but when she got married and had kids, she changed and as a result our relationship changed for the better, she became softer and more empathetic and there were situations that she stood by me that went against her previous character. Relationships evolve. Maybe yours will too. In some cases we must try and let go of the past if there is more good in doing so. We don't get to chose our family and sometimes when they are stuck in their ways we really can't change them, so you could be waiting forever to get an apology that you will never get. If it is a situation where you think this might be the case, I think doing what you are already doing actually in still maintaining a relationship is definately the right thing to do and very big of you.
If anyone can shed light though Islamically on what our duty is in terms of effort toward family members like your original question asked, I too would find that of use. It is a good question.
Re: Is this considered as boycotting or permissible?
format_quote Originally Posted by whitedove
I will be interested also to hear any responses that can provide Islamic knowledge on this with quotes to Quran or Hadith to any references made. Because as you say you have not completely cut the cord here ; you still have a relationship with your family.....you aren't turning down any direct greeting from them, if they needed you, you would be there, if help was required of you, you would give it etc but aren't making any initiation if it is not made toward you first ( because of being let down by them before ). You say you forgave them, but you are still upset by it. Perhaps deep down you haven't truly forgiven them ?? You are holding onto the hurt from before plus in addition are now carrying the fear of future rejection by them ). Have you spoken to them about your feelings towards the past events I.e how much it has affected you and as a result you feel hesitant to approach them ? If you haven't done so, do so, but in the nicest way possible. If you did so, whilst your emotions were running high, try again. If some time has passed you are more likely to be able to talk about it in a calmer and more effective way, than when it was fresh and you were charged. If you have already tried both, with no luck of reaching a mutual understanding then perhaps you need more time. There were things I held against my sister when we were very young but when she got married and had kids, she changed and as a result our relationship changed for the better, she became softer and more empathetic and there were situations that she stood by me that went against her previous character. Relationships evolve. Maybe yours will too. In some cases we must try and let go of the past if there is more good in doing so. We don't get to chose our family and sometimes when they are stuck in their ways we really can't change them, so you could be waiting forever to get an apology that you will never get. If it is a situation where you think this might be the case, I think doing what you are already doing actually in still maintaining a relationship is definately the right thing to do and very big of you.
If anyone can shed light though Islamically on what our duty is though in terms of effort toward family members like your original question I too would find that of use. It is a good question.
Asalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatu
Just a disclaimer this is not answering ops question or yours but I came across this related q&a a few days ago. inshaAllah it will be beneficial
To what extent can you remain distant from relatives
Re: Is this considered as boycotting or permissible?
Just sharing few hadiths on this topic and then I will elaborate on this to the best of my ability ( my opinion only, you are free to take it or leave it):
Abu Huraira reported that a person said:
Allah's Messenger, I have relatives with whom I try, to have close relationship, but they sever (this relation). I treat them well, but they treat me ill. I am sweet to them but they are harsh towards me. Upon this he (the Holy Prophet) said: If it is so as you say, then you in fact throw hot ashes (upon their faces) and there would always remain with you on behalf of Allah (an Angel to support you) who would keep you dominant over them so long as you adhere to this (path of righteousness).
Jubair b. Mutlim reported that his father narrated to him that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said:
The severer of the tie of kinship would not get into Paradise.
حَدَّثَنِي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ أَسْمَاءَ الضُّبَعِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا جُوَيْرِيَةُ، عَنْ مَالِكٍ، عَنِ الزُّهْرِيِّ، أَنَّ مُحَمَّدَ بْنَ جُبَيْرِ بْنِ مُطْعِمٍ، أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ أَبَاهُ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " لاَ يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ قَاطِعُ رَحِمٍ " .
Reference: Sahih Muslim 2556 b
In-book reference: Book 45, Hadith 21
USC-MSA web (English) reference: Book 32, Hadith 6200 https://sunnah.com/muslim/45/21
In another hadith:
Narrated `Abdullah bin `Amr:
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Al-Wasil is not the one who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but Al-Wasil is the one who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him."
حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ كَثِيرٍ، أَخْبَرَنَا سُفْيَانُ، عَنِ الأَعْمَشِ، وَالْحَسَنِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، وَفِطْرٍ، عَنْ مُجَاهِدٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو ـ وَقَالَ سُفْيَانُ لَمْ يَرْفَعْهُ الأَعْمَشُ إِلَى النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَرَفَعَهُ حَسَنٌ وَفِطْرٌ ـ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " لَيْسَ الْوَاصِلُ بِالْمُكَافِئِ، وَلَكِنِ الْوَاصِلُ الَّذِي إِذَا قَطَعَتْ رَحِمُهُ وَصَلَهَا ".
Reference: Sahih al-Bukhari 5991
In-book reference: Book 78, Hadith 22
USC-MSA web (English) reference: Vol. 8, Book 73, Hadith 20 https://sunnah.com/bukhari/78/22
I am sure most of you would have already heard about these hadiths but I just mentioned those as a reminder because reminder does help as Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala has said multiple times in Quran. What one could deduce from all above hadiths is that if you could do your best to keep the ties of kinship and you could be patient while your relatives are treating you badly you may be rewarded in the hereafter.
Now the question is how far can one take this?
Of course the first option is to have patience and try as much as possible to keep ties of kinship.
But if it is harming you and you fear that having more interaction may harm your relationship permanently then of course you can avoid such situations. You can reserve yourself and keep to as minimum as possible. May be call or text once in a month to see how your relatives are doings.
There is also a concept of gracious avoidance ( mentioned is verse 73:10) in Islam. What this means is to have very limited social relation with your abusive relatives but without any bane or any kind of vengeance or dislike. Many scholars are of the opinion that
gracious avoidance is allowed if one fears due to social relation a harm in your faith or your worldly life and an increase of animosity and hatred. So avoiding in those cases is safer than to approach and maintain ties. As it would prevent you from slips as you will be safe from aftereffects of this company.
In Summary, you can either choose to be patience and work towards keeping ties of kinship if it does not have a drastic impact on your faith, physical/mental health and your relationship with them in general. But if this is to a point where not only your faith and physical/mental health are being impacted but also results in animosity and hatred towards your relatives, then it is best to avoid and keep it to minimum while making sure you don't talk bad about them.
And Allah knows the best!
I also find something similar on this topic on Islamqa website. I will quote them below directly and provide link to their fatwa in this regard:
But if someone does not have the strength to do that or to respond to their mistreatment with kindness, and he is afraid that if he mixes with them they will harm him by means of witchcraft or other kinds of harm, as mentioned in the question, then he may cut off ties with them and shun them, for fear of their evil.
Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
The scholars are unanimously agreed that it is not permissible for a Muslim to shun his brother for more than three days, except in the case where he fears that speaking to him and upholding ties with him may undermine his religious commitment, or expose him to harm in his religious or worldly affairs. If that is the case, then he is granted a concession allowing him to avoid him and keep away from him, and perhaps cutting off ties with him and shunning him in a good way will be better than mixing with him in a way that leads to harm.
And Allah knows the best!
May Allah make it easy for us to exercise patience as much as we can and keep the ties of kinship without harming ourselves or others. Ameen!
Ma'aSalaam
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