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    Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed (OP)


    Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wa barakatu

    I'll say everything in a nutshell. Yes it is still a little long but pleasee read and thank you. PLEASE READ TILL END PLEASEE

    I get severe depression from this problem and sometimes suicidal thoughts. When I became religious for the first time I was a very good Muslim and abstained from much sin and I did many things well. I still do abstain from much sin but I have very bad prayers and I get too lazy or depressed to do stuff. I'm always wasting time. It's affecting me outside too, during work etc. And my patience level lowers with people

    Now here is what the problem that caused this is.

    So, when I became religious at first, I explored into controversial topics (that I didn't agree with) of Islam and I always found reasoning behind it so it made sense to me alhamdulilah and that didn't stop me from practicing well. I prayed with khushu a lot and you know everything was good.

    Every few months I'd go through these phases where I'd start getting thoughts abt these controversial and I'd start panicking and thinking they are wrong. It wasn't hard to deal with, eventually I would open my mind again and understand. during these phases, my prayers would be bad too but I still always prayed. (But I always hastened and prayed lazily)

    OK BUT EVERYTHING CHANGED A FEW MONTHS AGO.

    I went through this phase again, but it isn't going away anymore.. Its been I think about SIX MONTHS. It has been so rough, I have been crying during the nights, going to sleep depressed, staying depressed throughout the day. I would not enjoy praying at all. I would only get up to pray for the fear that I will burn in hellfire. I don't feel love towards Allah anymore like I did.


    Sometimes I'll have normal days, but even on my normal days when I am not thinking about this stuff, I cannot feel khushu and I still feel too overwhelmed in prayer that I do not want to focus on what I'm saying because it is too much to handle. It sounds weird, but I basically mean that I don't want to feel emotional in prayer because I just cant handle it (for some reason)


    Oh yeah i was planning on become a hafiz, but because of this, my faith has dramatically lowered and I am forgetting quran.

    Ok so here is basically what happens. So lets say I'm in a normal mood. Im doing my normal stuff and all of a sudden an intense emotion of fear, anger, and sadness overwhelms me (you know that hot feeling in your head when you are angry or in the temples of your head). And I just thinking all these bad things about Islam and how it isn't this beautiful religion it is supposed to be. And then I keep thinking about these controversial hadith and I get a severe urge to read hadith (authentic) that can sound wrong without context. And I basically go to my friends and argue with them asking for explanations. They will argue with me for hours trying to explain but apparently I never listen and I keep twisting up the religion.

    So it is kind of like a panic attack. Afterwards, I might just cry and sleep for hours thinking about how horrible the religion is (of course I still pray but only for the reason that I don't want to burn in hell). Sometimes I get anxiety in my sleep too.

    A few days after, I might turn back to normal. However, on my normal days, my perception of Islam and Allah and Muhammad pbuh is completely different. ( in a bad way). WHen i became religious, I enjoyed giving up things for the sake of Allah and I thought of it as such a beautiful religion. But when i think of it now (even on my normal days), i become so tense and rather scared and hateful and depressed.


    I also get suicidal thoughts often and wish to die because my faith gets so low nowadays form this. I feel like dead weight on earth with no purpose.

    I also get very wrong thoughts when I read quran sometimes because certain words trigger me and get to me.

    Then my thoughts expand to other things, not just about how bad Islam is. I get very random arrogant thoughts about Allah. I also go into panic attacks where I start to think that it is written on my destiny for me to eventually become non muslim and burn in hellfire forever. One time I had a panic attack when this happened (I started thinking about my destiny and I started remembering too many memories at once) and I started crying and screaming and my family came up to me and it got bad so they had to keep shaking me.


    Anyway, I cant live like this it is too hard. OH I FORGOT TO MENTION SOMETHING. Test trials and hardships right? Well the thing is... Right now I can kind of understand that this could be a test. But in a few hours from now, it wont be like that. I keep getting thoughts that there is no point of tests in a religion you dont like, these arent tests, you are finally seeing the truth, Islam is a brainwashing reliigion.

    Yeah basically they are like panic attacks (which some can last for hours) but except even when i am not in that whole panic mode(so when I feel normal), I am calm but yet very sad and I feel like I put myself into a trap by following this religion and I am stuck in it unless I want to burn forever. And even when I am in normal mode, I still cant think well about my religion.

    I think my brother thinks that I am just being a girl and crying over little things because girls are "weird" and over sensitive (oh well).

    Now I got tired of constantly arguing with my sister and friends and staying depressed all the time so I went to someone for help because it was about time I started to think that this was not normal as my sister kept telling me there was something wrong with me.


    Someone is helping me do ruqyah now and he is giving me a list of long invocations to do after prayers. I have been pushing myself harder and sometimes I can feel emotion in praying now.... However it is SOOOOOOOOO hard to pray normally without rushing and with khushu. And it isnt because Im lazy, I just dont want to do it.


    SO here is the thing thats going on now. I have been coming more to my senses with these thoughts I dwell on and kind of have been more rationally thinking trying open my mind as much as it hurts to. I started making dua again too

    But it has gotten better for sure. The thing is, I am supposed to be consistent with these invocations and prayers etc. I cant. I'll slowly do it for a day but then Ill have these thoughts that come back to me and it ruins me for awhile so I skip out on what the man told me to do (the invocations).


    I just cant handle this anymore. I keep tryiing and it just wont work and honestly I dont know what to do. I keep thinking that this is all my fault (well it kinda is ) and its all coming from me ( which it is) but then it makes me think that these arent tests for me and Im being a bad muslim (which I kind of am).

    And aren't I supposed to be sincere when calling upon Allah and making invocations? Even when I am being consistent, I still cant even be sincere a lot of the time because it is too overwhelming.

    A good friend of mine created a mandatory faith recovery plan for me for these 10 days of dhul hijja but I keep failing on this too! And the plan she made is SOO easy yet I cant do anything.

    Sometimes I start thinking if Islam was a fake man made religion

    I just want to think good of Islam again but it never happens anymore. How am I going to even be a good Muslim if I cannot even acquire the mindset of one? I just dont even understand and I am so stressed and depressed writing this. Thankfully I have been home for quarantine but things are going to change soon and it is going to interfere with my activities outside of home

    I have tried so many different things from people and it doesnt work. I have gone from and active, healthy, happy, working Muslim to a depressed, lazy, angry, scared, and inactive Muslim.

    Its been so hard man

    It sounds confusing but these thoughts STRONGLY interfere with everything. Does anyone have any good advice ? I have tried so many such as keeping myself busy, spending more time in remembrance of Allah and remembering that these are tests and trials. I dont think people realize that when I do these solutions, my thoughts come anyways and then I just fail and become lazy and laying in bed all day. These solutions dont work, I try but I keep failing. I have tried reasoning with my thoughts and against which has helped a bit but it still comes back over and over again.

    Its even hard for me to make dua. Its like Im trapped in my own mind

    I stopped myself from searching controversial hadith most of the time now because ti wont get me anywhere but I still get panic attacks when intense thoughts about religion and it can be from something as simple as reading a verse from the Quran. And I keep sinning by wasting my time and I keep dwellling on these thoughts and some of them are really blasphemous and horrid. Even though I am in a more normal not panic state right now, I still believe Islam isn't what it is supposed to be, I am sinning from all of these thoughts(which I kind of am because I keep dwelling on them and getting angry and crying over them) and Im stuck in this forever and I am the only Muslim who realizes that Islam has very dark sides.

    When I hear as in the word itself, my head gets tense. When I see peaceful scholars (muft menk etc.) I used to look up to, I no longer view them the same. I view them as ignorant people who dont know the truth or just people sugarcoating religion for what they believe it to be. Sometimes I get tense when reading certain parts of quran. Or sometimes when I read quran alhamdulilah I have moments where my mind opens and I wake up(still having some doubt tho) but after that it goes back to normal and it is hard to stay consistent with quran.

    I still try to abstain from sin at the minimum (major and minor) I never listen to music either and Im quarantined so I dont have to worry about lowering my gaze when i see bad things.

    But i am afriad that I am sinning by wasting time by sleeping and staying angry and depressed, and making my super rushed heedless prayers

    And unfortunately, I have some family members that like taking advantage of my weakest points in faith which just makes it worse.

    please help.
    Last edited by Islami.mu'min; 07-24-2020 at 03:59 PM.

  2. #21
    Islami.mu'min's Avatar
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

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    Quote Originally Posted by Muslimhuman View Post
    Hey it's me again. The person that was muslimah1928, but I forgot my password. Lol.
    How are u doing? I really hope your better
    I cant PM, so can u try and PM me? I can click on the link

    Yeah I just pmed you

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Wait why did all the replies just disappear

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Hey I just figured out that the replies disappeared because it was on page 2
    The good news is I got ur message, thanks!
    The bad news is, I cant PM u coz I'm a new member...

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Quote Originally Posted by Muslimhuman View Post
    Hey I just figured out that the replies disappeared because it was on page 2
    The good news is I got ur message, thanks!
    The bad news is, I cant PM u coz I'm a new member...
    Oh lol ok . . You'll have to wait till u get like 25 posts I think? I think you can also reset your old password for your other account

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Hey islami mu'min
    Just small question. I am a bit worried as I haven't been getting much waswas for the past few days, not even in salah. I heard that the shaytan doesn't whisper to those he has mislead (I.e: Jews and Christians). Does that mean his plan has worked, and I've commited shirk? Have u ever had something like this? I would love to hear ur advice

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Quote Originally Posted by Muslimhuman View Post
    Hey islami mu'min
    Just small question. I am a bit worried as I haven't been getting much waswas for the past few days, not even in salah. I heard that the shaytan doesn't whisper to those he has mislead (I.e: Jews and Christians). Does that mean his plan has worked, and I've commited shirk? Have u ever had something like this? I would love to hear ur advice

    Nooo don’t worry that doesn’t mean you committed shirk. Sometimes it comes and goes. I’ll be fine for a week but then it hits really hard. Just take advantage of these times to increase your faith, thats what I try doing

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Hey Islami.mu'min
    How are u doing? Hope ur okay
    No lie, I still cant PM so I'm here. But was gonna say, thanks for your advice yesterday. It helped me pull out of a massive slump, and it put me into a different perspective on things. That, and this article:https://islamqa.info/en/answers/9829...an-about-allah. Specifically the ending advice is what made me pull out the (last page of surah Yusuf)and the craziest things was, I literally felt like it was speaking to me! I pray that happens to you too
    Another thing that really helps is saying "la ilana illallah". Just over and over again, countless times no matter what shaytan says. I feel it keeps alot of waswas away. And I read on many sites like this one http://www.quranreading.com/blog/imp...with-benefits/
    If you read al-Wahid 1000 times in a quiet place in privacy you'll be free from fear and delusion (waswas). I'm not as skeptical as I was before as it's on quite a few sites, so I'll try it inshallah.

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  12. #29
    Islami.mu'min's Avatar
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Quote Originally Posted by Muslimhuman View Post
    Hey Islami.mu'min
    How are u doing? Hope ur okay
    No lie, I still cant PM so I'm here. But was gonna say, thanks for your advice yesterday. It helped me pull out of a massive slump, and it put me into a different perspective on things. That, and this article:https://islamqa.info/en/answers/9829...an-about-allah. Specifically the ending advice is what made me pull out the (last page of surah Yusuf)and the craziest things was, I literally felt like it was speaking to me! I pray that happens to you too
    Another thing that really helps is saying "la ilana illallah". Just over and over again, countless times no matter what shaytan says. I feel it keeps alot of waswas away. And I read on many sites like this one http://www.quranreading.com/blog/imp...with-benefits/
    If you read al-Wahid 1000 times in a quiet place in privacy you'll be free from fear and delusion (waswas). I'm not as skeptical as I was before as it's on quite a few sites, so I'll try it inshallah.

    I'm glad I helped then! Alhamdulilah, I have been getting better with the help of many people. That islmqa website also make sense, it is good to keep it in your mind. Right now I'm increasing my iman now that I am not sad or getting thoughts as of now. Thank you for the advice too! I am going to start reading more Quran and keep doing more dhikr. Yeah Surat yusuf, Ill check that last page out too inshaAllah.


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