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    Islami.mu'min's Avatar
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    Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

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    Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wa barakatu

    I'll say everything in a nutshell. Yes it is still a little long but pleasee read and thank you. PLEASE READ TILL END PLEASEE

    I get severe depression from this problem and sometimes suicidal thoughts. When I became religious for the first time I was a very good Muslim and abstained from much sin and I did many things well. I still do abstain from much sin but I have very bad prayers and I get too lazy or depressed to do stuff. I'm always wasting time. It's affecting me outside too, during work etc. And my patience level lowers with people

    Now here is what the problem that caused this is.

    So, when I became religious at first, I explored into controversial topics (that I didn't agree with) of Islam and I always found reasoning behind it so it made sense to me alhamdulilah and that didn't stop me from practicing well. I prayed with khushu a lot and you know everything was good.

    Every few months I'd go through these phases where I'd start getting thoughts abt these controversial and I'd start panicking and thinking they are wrong. It wasn't hard to deal with, eventually I would open my mind again and understand. during these phases, my prayers would be bad too but I still always prayed. (But I always hastened and prayed lazily)

    OK BUT EVERYTHING CHANGED A FEW MONTHS AGO.

    I went through this phase again, but it isn't going away anymore.. Its been I think about SIX MONTHS. It has been so rough, I have been crying during the nights, going to sleep depressed, staying depressed throughout the day. I would not enjoy praying at all. I would only get up to pray for the fear that I will burn in hellfire. I don't feel love towards Allah anymore like I did.


    Sometimes I'll have normal days, but even on my normal days when I am not thinking about this stuff, I cannot feel khushu and I still feel too overwhelmed in prayer that I do not want to focus on what I'm saying because it is too much to handle. It sounds weird, but I basically mean that I don't want to feel emotional in prayer because I just cant handle it (for some reason)


    Oh yeah i was planning on become a hafiz, but because of this, my faith has dramatically lowered and I am forgetting quran.

    Ok so here is basically what happens. So lets say I'm in a normal mood. Im doing my normal stuff and all of a sudden an intense emotion of fear, anger, and sadness overwhelms me (you know that hot feeling in your head when you are angry or in the temples of your head). And I just thinking all these bad things about Islam and how it isn't this beautiful religion it is supposed to be. And then I keep thinking about these controversial hadith and I get a severe urge to read hadith (authentic) that can sound wrong without context. And I basically go to my friends and argue with them asking for explanations. They will argue with me for hours trying to explain but apparently I never listen and I keep twisting up the religion.

    So it is kind of like a panic attack. Afterwards, I might just cry and sleep for hours thinking about how horrible the religion is (of course I still pray but only for the reason that I don't want to burn in hell). Sometimes I get anxiety in my sleep too.

    A few days after, I might turn back to normal. However, on my normal days, my perception of Islam and Allah and Muhammad pbuh is completely different. ( in a bad way). WHen i became religious, I enjoyed giving up things for the sake of Allah and I thought of it as such a beautiful religion. But when i think of it now (even on my normal days), i become so tense and rather scared and hateful and depressed.


    I also get suicidal thoughts often and wish to die because my faith gets so low nowadays form this. I feel like dead weight on earth with no purpose.

    I also get very wrong thoughts when I read quran sometimes because certain words trigger me and get to me.

    Then my thoughts expand to other things, not just about how bad Islam is. I get very random arrogant thoughts about Allah. I also go into panic attacks where I start to think that it is written on my destiny for me to eventually become non muslim and burn in hellfire forever. One time I had a panic attack when this happened (I started thinking about my destiny and I started remembering too many memories at once) and I started crying and screaming and my family came up to me and it got bad so they had to keep shaking me.


    Anyway, I cant live like this it is too hard. OH I FORGOT TO MENTION SOMETHING. Test trials and hardships right? Well the thing is... Right now I can kind of understand that this could be a test. But in a few hours from now, it wont be like that. I keep getting thoughts that there is no point of tests in a religion you dont like, these arent tests, you are finally seeing the truth, Islam is a brainwashing reliigion.

    Yeah basically they are like panic attacks (which some can last for hours) but except even when i am not in that whole panic mode(so when I feel normal), I am calm but yet very sad and I feel like I put myself into a trap by following this religion and I am stuck in it unless I want to burn forever. And even when I am in normal mode, I still cant think well about my religion.

    I think my brother thinks that I am just being a girl and crying over little things because girls are "weird" and over sensitive (oh well).

    Now I got tired of constantly arguing with my sister and friends and staying depressed all the time so I went to someone for help because it was about time I started to think that this was not normal as my sister kept telling me there was something wrong with me.


    Someone is helping me do ruqyah now and he is giving me a list of long invocations to do after prayers. I have been pushing myself harder and sometimes I can feel emotion in praying now.... However it is SOOOOOOOOO hard to pray normally without rushing and with khushu. And it isnt because Im lazy, I just dont want to do it.


    SO here is the thing thats going on now. I have been coming more to my senses with these thoughts I dwell on and kind of have been more rationally thinking trying open my mind as much as it hurts to. I started making dua again too

    But it has gotten better for sure. The thing is, I am supposed to be consistent with these invocations and prayers etc. I cant. I'll slowly do it for a day but then Ill have these thoughts that come back to me and it ruins me for awhile so I skip out on what the man told me to do (the invocations).


    I just cant handle this anymore. I keep tryiing and it just wont work and honestly I dont know what to do. I keep thinking that this is all my fault (well it kinda is ) and its all coming from me ( which it is) but then it makes me think that these arent tests for me and Im being a bad muslim (which I kind of am).

    And aren't I supposed to be sincere when calling upon Allah and making invocations? Even when I am being consistent, I still cant even be sincere a lot of the time because it is too overwhelming.

    A good friend of mine created a mandatory faith recovery plan for me for these 10 days of dhul hijja but I keep failing on this too! And the plan she made is SOO easy yet I cant do anything.

    Sometimes I start thinking if Islam was a fake man made religion

    I just want to think good of Islam again but it never happens anymore. How am I going to even be a good Muslim if I cannot even acquire the mindset of one? I just dont even understand and I am so stressed and depressed writing this. Thankfully I have been home for quarantine but things are going to change soon and it is going to interfere with my activities outside of home

    I have tried so many different things from people and it doesnt work. I have gone from and active, healthy, happy, working Muslim to a depressed, lazy, angry, scared, and inactive Muslim.

    Its been so hard man

    It sounds confusing but these thoughts STRONGLY interfere with everything. Does anyone have any good advice ? I have tried so many such as keeping myself busy, spending more time in remembrance of Allah and remembering that these are tests and trials. I dont think people realize that when I do these solutions, my thoughts come anyways and then I just fail and become lazy and laying in bed all day. These solutions dont work, I try but I keep failing. I have tried reasoning with my thoughts and against which has helped a bit but it still comes back over and over again.

    Its even hard for me to make dua. Its like Im trapped in my own mind

    I stopped myself from searching controversial hadith most of the time now because ti wont get me anywhere but I still get panic attacks when intense thoughts about religion and it can be from something as simple as reading a verse from the Quran. And I keep sinning by wasting my time and I keep dwellling on these thoughts and some of them are really blasphemous and horrid. Even though I am in a more normal not panic state right now, I still believe Islam isn't what it is supposed to be, I am sinning from all of these thoughts(which I kind of am because I keep dwelling on them and getting angry and crying over them) and Im stuck in this forever and I am the only Muslim who realizes that Islam has very dark sides.

    When I hear as in the word itself, my head gets tense. When I see peaceful scholars (muft menk etc.) I used to look up to, I no longer view them the same. I view them as ignorant people who dont know the truth or just people sugarcoating religion for what they believe it to be. Sometimes I get tense when reading certain parts of quran. Or sometimes when I read quran alhamdulilah I have moments where my mind opens and I wake up(still having some doubt tho) but after that it goes back to normal and it is hard to stay consistent with quran.

    I still try to abstain from sin at the minimum (major and minor) I never listen to music either and Im quarantined so I dont have to worry about lowering my gaze when i see bad things.

    But i am afriad that I am sinning by wasting time by sleeping and staying angry and depressed, and making my super rushed heedless prayers

    And unfortunately, I have some family members that like taking advantage of my weakest points in faith which just makes it worse.

    please help.
    Last edited by Islami.mu'min; 07-24-2020 at 03:59 PM.

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    Eric H's Avatar
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Greetings and peace be with you Islami.mu'min;

    The good news is that your conscience is battling with you to keep you on track. I think Oscar Wilde summed up all the bad news when he said,

    I can resist everything........................................ ...................................except temptation. And sadly there is so much temptation in this world.

    Deep down you want to do what is right, you want to be the kind and caring person that Allah created you to be, you already know what is right.

    Im doing my normal stuff and all of a sudden an intense emotion of fear, anger, and sadness overwhelms me
    The mind is a powerful tool like a chain saw. When you start a chain saw, you have to be in control, you have to guide it and make it do what you want it to do. Fear, anger and sadness are a choice, we don't have to feel these things, especially fear and anger. You have to be in control of your mind, guide it towards Allah, prayer and striving to do the will of Allah. It is within your power to change, you don't have to believe me, you just need to put your trust in Allah and ask for help

    Maybe take some time to reflect on the 99 names of Allah, that he cares for all his creation. The good news is, you are still struggling to stay on the right path.

    May Allah bless you on your journey,
    Eric
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    Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    You will never look into the eyes of anyone who does not matter to God.

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    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Assalamu Alaikum,

    You need to go back to the basics. There's no reason for you to be trying to look at controversial ahadith especially when they effect your iman negatively. You're not nearly knowledgable enough to decipher them properly anyway. There's a saying that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, so if you're out here looking at differing opinions and getting pulled in different directions then you're just sabotaging yourself.

    Secondly, you may actually be depressed or in an unhealthy state of mind. If you are unable to change your perspective to a positive one then there's some underlying issues going on. Like let's give into your doubts and say that tomorrow you left Islam because it was just not making sense, will that make you happy? I don't think it will. So I don't think your belief system is the problem here. There is something else going on that you need to take care of.

    Thirdly, you don't need to be perfect and I think maybe this is why you are failing at your worship. You probably think if it can't be done properly then why do it at all? It's like a fear of failure. However, Islam does not expect your worship to be perfect every time. As long as you meet Allah halfway, He will meet you the rest of the way..Just be present. Du'as, prayers, etc are tools to help your iman get stronger, but you also need to meet these actions with intentions. That's why I mentioned perspective. If you start out your prayers and du'as with positivity instead of negativity, doubt, laziness, etc. it will make a world of a difference. When you begin your du'a, Allah is listening to you, literally. The angels are listening to you. They are actually there CLOSER to you than anything else. Every good deed you do is not just dispersing into the air and disappearing. It actually has weight and will be weighed on the day of judgement. So when you do something, do not think that even the little bit that you do will not matter or not count. It does! A Lot! Especially when it is difficult on you. If the fear of hellfire or death is the only thing keeping your iman intact, then why are you so far away from loving Allah? What is preventing you? Is it because you're having doubts in Islam? If you believe in your heart that ISLAM is the truth, then when you come across something doubtful you need to know several things:

    1. there are forces all around you ready to pull you away from Islam
    2. your knowledge compared to the knowledgeable is NOTHING, so the fault of misunderstanding or doubt is more likely from you not Islam
    3. Islam is not an emotional state of being, so if your beliefs are withering depending on your emotional state, again this is a YOU issue, not an Islam issue.
    4. Instead of taking the side of what is doubtful, fight it by enlightening yourself with proper knowledge. Take steps to learn about Islam properly such as learning arabic, fiqh, taking islamic classes etc. It would only be fair on you.

    Islam should be the constant thing in your life, your foundation, the thing you run to when you are in doubt. It shouldn't be the other way around. Remember that.

    And in regards to rushing things and avoiding worship, you need to be patient for yourself. If you are aware you are rushing things, then slow down. Make the connection to the words you're saying and the movements you're doing. It's no wonder that you do not feel anything if you rush through prayers. What is the rush? You aren't going anywhere.
    Last edited by *charisma*; 07-24-2020 at 05:19 PM.
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    Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    IslamLife00's Avatar
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Wa 'alaykumussalaam wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuh

    Quote Originally Posted by Islami.mu'min View Post
    Someone is helping me do ruqyah now and he is giving me a list of long invocations to do after prayers. I have been pushing myself harder and sometimes I can feel emotion in praying now.....
    If it works then continue to do this until you don't need to anymore. It may take some time, but you already know life in this dunya is a test.
    It's not a test you can abort anytime you want. So don't expect it to be easy, or even always easy. Just keep striving to fulfill your duties in Islam, especially the obligatory ones such as salat.
    Salat is the first obligation to be accounted on Judgement Day.

    On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) from the Prophet (ﷺ), who said:
    Allah (mighty and sublime be He) says: The first of his actions for which a servant of Allah will be held accountable on the Day of Resurrection will be his prayers. If they are in order, then he will have prospered and succeeded: and if they are wanting, then he will have failed and lost. If there is something defective in his obligatory prayers, the Lord (glorified and exalted be He) will say: See if My servant has any supererogatory prayers with which may be completed that which was defective in his obligatory prayers. Then the rest of his actions will be judged in like fashion. It was related by at-Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud, an-Nasa'i, Ibn Majah and Ahmad.

    Quote Originally Posted by Islami.mu'min View Post
    I explored into controversial topics (that I didn't agree with) of Islam and I always found reasoning behind it so it made sense to me alhamdulilah and that didn't stop me from practicing well. I prayed with khushu a lot and you know everything was good. Every few months I'd go through these phases where I'd start getting thoughts abt these controversial and I'd start panicking and thinking they are wrong. It wasn't hard to deal with, eventually I would open my mind again and understand. during these phases, my prayers would be bad too but I still always prayed .
    I remember you posted on a thread about punishment for apostates. If these controversial hadiths are authentic - then there is no point of denying them or even trying to prove they are wrong. A muslim is a person who submits to Allah, you are no longer a person who follows your nafs or standards. You consider something wrong or controversial based on your values, but who has blessed you with hearing, sight and understanding? Why does He who grants you those and everything else you currently enjoy and utilize, has to compromise to your values? NO. It's you who have to obey Him. When these thoughts come, keep saying a'udhu billahi min ashshaytanirrajim and then say amantu billahi wa rusulihi, until they are gone.

    Quote Originally Posted by Islami.mu'min View Post
    And unfortunately, I have some family members that like taking advantage of my weakest points in faith which just makes it worse
    It's sad that some people treat their family members that way, but you cannot change other people. They will be held accountable for their deeds, while you will be held accountable for yours. May Allah heal and protect you and make it easy for you to practice Islam until the day you return to Him.

    https://quran.com/67
    Last edited by IslamLife00; 07-24-2020 at 09:44 PM. Reason: add
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    Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Jabir bin 'Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) said:'A slave (of Allah) shall not believe until he believes in Al-Qadar, its good and its bad, such that he knows that what struck him would not have missed him, and that what missed him would not have struck him." (Jami 'at Tirmidhi)

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Wa alaikum assalam warahmatullahi wa barakatu

    1- Block the source of your depression/confusion (social media friends or groups- youtube channels- friend)

    2- Keep yourself listenting to heart-softening lectures or reading books

    3- Try to get basic islamic education courses

    4- Have good people in your everyday life

    5- You can ask here if you have thoughts about certain topics/hadith. Many brothers and sisters here may help you to overcome all these In sha' Allah.

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    It is narrated on the authority of Abu Huraira that some people from amongst the Companions of the Apostle (ﷺ) came to him and said:



    "Verily we perceive in our minds that which every one of us considers it too grave to express."
    He (the Holy Prophet) said: Do you really perceive it?
    They said: Yes.
    Upon this he remarked: "That is the faith manifest."

    Imam Nawawi explains how such thoughts paradoxically indicate strong faith. He explains that the person’s reaction to such involuntary thoughts indicates that they are protective of their faith and wish to ensure its security.

    The reason they feel uncomfortable and blasphemous is because faith is present. If there was no faith, these thoughts would not cause any dissonance or anxiety. In terms of where these thoughts come from, he quotes Al-Qadhi Iyaadh’s (d. 543 AH) interpretation,

    The Shaytaan only throws these whispers into the minds of those who he has given up on misguiding. So he frustratingly whispers these thoughts out of a deep failure to misguide this person.
    https://yaqeeninstitute.org/zohair/i...ith-certainty/

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    wayfarer91's Avatar
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Even the strongest have faced such problems. These are nothing but waswas.. setan is trying to pull u back, bcuz that's his job. And it is a sign of strong faith.
    Whenever such thoughts go through ur mind just recite surah falaq and surah nas. Keep reminding urself the beauty of Islam. We are human beings. And Islam is a religion of self-control. Limit ursekr. Reduce the time u spend on social media, or watching tv, and focus on finding Allah. Nouman Ali Khan's videos really help with such situations.
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Quote Originally Posted by Islami.mu'min View Post
    I also get suicidal thoughts often and wish to die because my faith gets so low nowadays form this. I feel like dead weight on earth with no purpose.

    W'Salaam Sister,

    Please know that you matter! I know that depression makes your brain go haywire, making these feelings and thoughts corrupt your brain. But we truly love you and care for you in this board and we will do everything we can to help you. Please let us help you.

    1. Please try to seek a licensed therapist right away where you live. It may cost a lot, but it's especially important to help deal with the depression and suicidal feelings you have today. This mental health issue may stick with you, coming and going in waves. So please seek help from a professional right away. Maybe medications might help. Don't let the stigma stop you. Allah has allowed many Muslims to become great doctors, engineers and therapists to help this Ummah, to help people struggling like yourself. You may be diagnosed with something else. But it's best to ask a professional for help. Inshallah you will find someone who can diagnose and help you.

    2. Allah Subhanahuwatallah is always watching, knowing, most merciful and will always be there for you. No matter your past mistakes of looking at controversial material, make dua and repent for any sins you may have committed. And strive to work on the present you. Read Quran, starting from page 1. Do wudu, taking your time to make sure your body is completely clean before making all 5 daily prayers. After each prayer, make dua to Allah Subhanahuwatallah to heal you from the pain and ill feelings you have right now. Allah is testing you right now, at the highest peak, if you can survive this lowest moment in your life, you will heal and become much more stronger as time passes. Strive to survive this point, pour your heart out to Allah for help guidance.

    3. No you are not weird. You are not over-sensitive. You are not weak. You are a strong Muslim independent woman! You are going through mental health issues and crisis. With the help of a therapist, counselor, psychologist, medication, and from the help of Allah, you will strive and become great! Inshallah. Even though you mentioned you're in quarantine, it doesn't stop you from going outside for exercise, so try to get some Sun, possibly take some vitamins and go for a walk. Clean your room, home, help your family out at home. Eat healthy foods, no junk foods, drink water/milk only, and see if you can pick up some new hobbies. Cooking always helps me. Maybe coloring, drawing, reading a book, hiking. Only you know what works best. Try to change your daily habits, trying new things everyday.

    May Allah make it easier for you. May Allah heal you. May Allah guide you. Ameen.
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Thank you for the replies everybody. I am feeling rather normal today and I am trying to push myself.. It isn’t necessarily that I don’t research on the context of hadith. I do and I get good answers but I just keep twisting it up no matter what and I keep thinking that the good explanations behind these hadith are fake to brainwash us(Im feeling better now so I’m only getting doubts but nothing serious as of now) . It isn’t even with hadith though, I get horrible thought coming when I read some Quran verses even if it is a positive one, sometimes some words trigger me and I start thinking and remembering things.

    i don’t think that now though because I’m not feeling overwhelmed right now.

    Currently, I pray at a normal pace and I am trying to get khushu back and Im trying to make sincere dua although its very hard.

    I still get a bad feeling about Islam as of now but I am feeling well right now so I try to ignore these thoughts.


    i have’t experienced some of those panic attacks for the past few days. I still get bad feelings and thoughts but I feel more reasonable and in control with them.

    I have to push myself hard to try to get khushu back even if it may be hard.

    So I can keep trying slowly and I just hope I don’t start panicking again.. Ill wait a few days and see what happens

    I have 2 people who are keeping me in check right now and they are watching over me and trying to help
    Last edited by Islami.mu'min; 07-26-2020 at 01:03 AM.
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Quote Originally Posted by Islami.mu'min View Post
    I have 2 people who are keeping me in check right now and they are watching over me and trying to help
    Alhumdulillah. May Allah bless those people that are trying to help you. Please show them your thread post, detailing what you're going through. Inshallah they will be able to help you even more and will continue to guide you.

    We are human. We sometimes burn-out from many reasons and need breaks from time-to-time. That's why my madresa was always Monday-Friday only. You may be going through a religious burn-out. A lot of converts and reverts to Islam go through something similar, where they become overwhelmed with Quran, Hadith, prayers. lives of the Sahaba, etc. And I always tell them to take it slow. For a week, Maybe focus on just your daily prayers, and spend the rest of the day helping family or spending time outdoors with hobbies. Slowly start to read Quran, Hadiths from time to time at a steady pace.

    Making dua for you Sister.
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Narrated Abu Sa`id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira:
    The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that." (Sahih al Bukhari)


    Yes don't be too hard on yourself. We are all tested in this dunya.
    May Allah make it easy for you and all of us experiencing any kind of hardship, and may Allah expiate some of our sins through it.
    Last edited by IslamLife00; 07-26-2020 at 04:00 AM. Reason: bold font
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    Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Jabir bin 'Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) said:'A slave (of Allah) shall not believe until he believes in Al-Qadar, its good and its bad, such that he knows that what struck him would not have missed him, and that what missed him would not have struck him." (Jami 'at Tirmidhi)

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    Eric H's Avatar
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Greetings and peace be with you Islami.mu'min;

    I still get a bad feeling about Islam
    But what do you feel about Allah?

    May Allah bless and guide you

    Eric.
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    Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    You will never look into the eyes of anyone who does not matter to God.

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Quote Originally Posted by Islami.mu'min View Post
    Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wa barakatu

    I'll say everything in a nutshell. Yes it is still a little long but pleasee read and thank you. PLEASE READ TILL END PLEASEE

    I get severe depression from this problem and sometimes suicidal thoughts. When I became religious for the first time I was a very good Muslim and abstained from much sin and I did many things well. I still do abstain from much sin but I have very bad prayers and I get too lazy or depressed to do stuff. I'm always wasting time. It's affecting me outside too, during work etc. And my patience level lowers with people

    Now here is what the problem that caused this is.

    So, when I became religious at first, I explored into controversial topics (that I didn't agree with) of Islam and I always found reasoning behind it so it made sense to me alhamdulilah and that didn't stop me from practicing well. I prayed with khushu a lot and you know everything was good.

    Every few months I'd go through these phases where I'd start getting thoughts abt these controversial and I'd start panicking and thinking they are wrong. It wasn't hard to deal with, eventually I would open my mind again and understand. during these phases, my prayers would be bad too but I still always prayed. (But I always hastened and prayed lazily)

    OK BUT EVERYTHING CHANGED A FEW MONTHS AGO.

    I went through this phase again, but it isn't going away anymore.. Its been I think about SIX MONTHS. It has been so rough, I have been crying during the nights, going to sleep depressed, staying depressed throughout the day. I would not enjoy praying at all. I would only get up to pray for the fear that I will burn in hellfire. I don't feel love towards Allah anymore like I did.


    Sometimes I'll have normal days, but even on my normal days when I am not thinking about this stuff, I cannot feel khushu and I still feel too overwhelmed in prayer that I do not want to focus on what I'm saying because it is too much to handle. It sounds weird, but I basically mean that I don't want to feel emotional in prayer because I just cant handle it (for some reason)


    Oh yeah i was planning on become a hafiz, but because of this, my faith has dramatically lowered and I am forgetting quran.

    Ok so here is basically what happens. So lets say I'm in a normal mood. Im doing my normal stuff and all of a sudden an intense emotion of fear, anger, and sadness overwhelms me (you know that hot feeling in your head when you are angry or in the temples of your head). And I just thinking all these bad things about Islam and how it isn't this beautiful religion it is supposed to be. And then I keep thinking about these controversial hadith and I get a severe urge to read hadith (authentic) that can sound wrong without context. And I basically go to my friends and argue with them asking for explanations. They will argue with me for hours trying to explain but apparently I never listen and I keep twisting up the religion.

    So it is kind of like a panic attack. Afterwards, I might just cry and sleep for hours thinking about how horrible the religion is (of course I still pray but only for the reason that I don't want to burn in hell). Sometimes I get anxiety in my sleep too.

    A few days after, I might turn back to normal. However, on my normal days, my perception of Islam and Allah and Muhammad pbuh is completely different. ( in a bad way). WHen i became religious, I enjoyed giving up things for the sake of Allah and I thought of it as such a beautiful religion. But when i think of it now (even on my normal days), i become so tense and rather scared and hateful and depressed.


    I also get suicidal thoughts often and wish to die because my faith gets so low nowadays form this. I feel like dead weight on earth with no purpose.

    I also get very wrong thoughts when I read quran sometimes because certain words trigger me and get to me.

    Then my thoughts expand to other things, not just about how bad Islam is. I get very random arrogant thoughts about Allah. I also go into panic attacks where I start to think that it is written on my destiny for me to eventually become non muslim and burn in hellfire forever. One time I had a panic attack when this happened (I started thinking about my destiny and I started remembering too many memories at once) and I started crying and screaming and my family came up to me and it got bad so they had to keep shaking me.


    Anyway, I cant live like this it is too hard. OH I FORGOT TO MENTION SOMETHING. Test trials and hardships right? Well the thing is... Right now I can kind of understand that this could be a test. But in a few hours from now, it wont be like that. I keep getting thoughts that there is no point of tests in a religion you dont like, these arent tests, you are finally seeing the truth, Islam is a brainwashing reliigion.

    Yeah basically they are like panic attacks (which some can last for hours) but except even when i am not in that whole panic mode(so when I feel normal), I am calm but yet very sad and I feel like I put myself into a trap by following this religion and I am stuck in it unless I want to burn forever. And even when I am in normal mode, I still cant think well about my religion.

    I think my brother thinks that I am just being a girl and crying over little things because girls are "weird" and over sensitive (oh well).

    Now I got tired of constantly arguing with my sister and friends and staying depressed all the time so I went to someone for help because it was about time I started to think that this was not normal as my sister kept telling me there was something wrong with me.


    Someone is helping me do ruqyah now and he is giving me a list of long invocations to do after prayers. I have been pushing myself harder and sometimes I can feel emotion in praying now.... However it is SOOOOOOOOO hard to pray normally without rushing and with khushu. And it isnt because Im lazy, I just dont want to do it.


    SO here is the thing thats going on now. I have been coming more to my senses with these thoughts I dwell on and kind of have been more rationally thinking trying open my mind as much as it hurts to. I started making dua again too

    But it has gotten better for sure. The thing is, I am supposed to be consistent with these invocations and prayers etc. I cant. I'll slowly do it for a day but then Ill have these thoughts that come back to me and it ruins me for awhile so I skip out on what the man told me to do (the invocations).


    I just cant handle this anymore. I keep tryiing and it just wont work and honestly I dont know what to do. I keep thinking that this is all my fault (well it kinda is ) and its all coming from me ( which it is) but then it makes me think that these arent tests for me and Im being a bad muslim (which I kind of am).

    And aren't I supposed to be sincere when calling upon Allah and making invocations? Even when I am being consistent, I still cant even be sincere a lot of the time because it is too overwhelming.

    A good friend of mine created a mandatory faith recovery plan for me for these 10 days of dhul hijja but I keep failing on this too! And the plan she made is SOO easy yet I cant do anything.

    Sometimes I start thinking if Islam was a fake man made religion

    I just want to think good of Islam again but it never happens anymore. How am I going to even be a good Muslim if I cannot even acquire the mindset of one? I just dont even understand and I am so stressed and depressed writing this. Thankfully I have been home for quarantine but things are going to change soon and it is going to interfere with my activities outside of home

    I have tried so many different things from people and it doesnt work. I have gone from and active, healthy, happy, working Muslim to a depressed, lazy, angry, scared, and inactive Muslim.

    Its been so hard man

    It sounds confusing but these thoughts STRONGLY interfere with everything. Does anyone have any good advice ? I have tried so many such as keeping myself busy, spending more time in remembrance of Allah and remembering that these are tests and trials. I dont think people realize that when I do these solutions, my thoughts come anyways and then I just fail and become lazy and laying in bed all day. These solutions dont work, I try but I keep failing. I have tried reasoning with my thoughts and against which has helped a bit but it still comes back over and over again.

    Its even hard for me to make dua. Its like Im trapped in my own mind

    I stopped myself from searching controversial hadith most of the time now because ti wont get me anywhere but I still get panic attacks when intense thoughts about religion and it can be from something as simple as reading a verse from the Quran. And I keep sinning by wasting my time and I keep dwellling on these thoughts and some of them are really blasphemous and horrid. Even though I am in a more normal not panic state right now, I still believe Islam isn't what it is supposed to be, I am sinning from all of these thoughts(which I kind of am because I keep dwelling on them and getting angry and crying over them) and Im stuck in this forever and I am the only Muslim who realizes that Islam has very dark sides.

    When I hear as in the word itself, my head gets tense. When I see peaceful scholars (muft menk etc.) I used to look up to, I no longer view them the same. I view them as ignorant people who dont know the truth or just people sugarcoating religion for what they believe it to be. Sometimes I get tense when reading certain parts of quran. Or sometimes when I read quran alhamdulilah I have moments where my mind opens and I wake up(still having some doubt tho) but after that it goes back to normal and it is hard to stay consistent with quran.

    I still try to abstain from sin at the minimum (major and minor) I never listen to music either and Im quarantined so I dont have to worry about lowering my gaze when i see bad things.

    But i am afriad that I am sinning by wasting time by sleeping and staying angry and depressed, and making my super rushed heedless prayers

    And unfortunately, I have some family members that like taking advantage of my weakest points in faith which just makes it worse.

    please help.
    Oh oh, this is actually the advantage for Satan to take you with him in Hellfire. Don't give to. Satan the chance to mislead you. Remain steadfast and learn his tricks so you can be alert. For instance, go to Farid Respons and Muslim Warrior and Mohammed Hijab so you will learn something about Christian missionaries, because they have exposed them as deceivers. Christian missionaries are tools of Satan whom he uses to mislead you from the religion of God.

    Remember the story when Satan told God that he will not leave any kid of Adam alone until the Day of Resurrection and when God told him that if anyone follows your path, I will surely fill Hell with many of you from among man and jinn and whoever follows Me, you have no authority over them.

    Also, remember that what you go through it could be a way to expediate your sins or it can be as a test from God. Because, He Himself said that do you think that We will leave them alone and say that We believe? So, maybe you don't pray and you claim to be a believer but God tests you to see your sincerity and honesty or He does that just so He can wipe out your sins.

    Don't give any opportunity for Satan to mislead you and close all opportunities of Satan so he will leave you alone. The onlg friend whom you can have is God Almighty, so for you to acquire His Friendship, is by starting to perform all voluntary and optional prayers and do not miss them. And if anyone harms you whether he is a Muslim or Atheist, know that God Almighty will declare war in your behalf on that person. If you for example are His Friend and American authorities wronged you, God Almighty can very easily annihilate USA totally just so He can protect you from bad people. This is the only thing you can do.
    | Likes Islami.mu'min liked this post

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    Islami.mu'min's Avatar
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Quote Originally Posted by Eric H View Post
    Greetings and peace be with you Islami.mu'min;



    But what do you feel about Allah?

    May Allah bless and guide you

    Eric.
    May peace and blessings be upon you too.

    Unfortunately when I'd start panicking, I would think of and relate horrible attributes to Allah. Alhamdulilah, I don't know recently I have gotten much better for these past few days, it feels so strange because it has been so long since I have felt like this. I might, once again, be able to continue like I did awhile ago

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Jazakumallahu khayran everybody. I have been pushing myself harder recently and this advice has kept me going. We might have actually gotten to the bottom of the problem, which was something I hadn't expected

    With someone's help I did a ruqyah session and there were noticeable results so far and I seem to be getting better and better alhamdulilah. I'm still a little troubled sometimes but i am finally able to reason with my thoughts.

    I can tell you it is the most beautiful feeling ever. I'm starting to see the beauty of Islam after months of depression. Sometimes I am scared, thinking this is a temporary feeling, but time will tell. I think a few hours after my session I had gotten a very strange feeling of relief and that a burden had been off my shoulders. Then slowly, it was getting better and better. I don't know man, I'm not as lazy and tired anymore. I feel lighter too.

    I know I said this, but I am so emotiional now because i am just thinking about how long it has been since I have felt this. It is like the negative thoughts are going away and positive ones are coming in. I'm reading quran again and it is much easier for me to do this and pray. I shall continue my adhkars because it has come so easy for me to do.

    Today is a great day inshaAllah so will tomorrow be. We can all take advantage of the day of arafah inshaAllah.

    May Allah bless you all.
    | Likes Eric H liked this post

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    This sounds like the Waswasa (insinuating whispers of shaythan). This is a trial brother but you can get through this and you will but you must keep striving hard and act upon the good advices you have received.

    Please go through the following thread and you will find many helpful tips, advices and tools which may help you inshaAllah:

    How to overcome Waswas (Shaythans whispers) in worship

    How to overcome Waswas (Shaythans whispers) in worship
    “Verily, those who are the pious, when an evil thought comes to them from Shaytaan, they remember (Allah), and (indeed) they then see (aright).” (Sura...
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    Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Greetings and peace be with you Islami.mu'min;
    Quote Originally Posted by Islami.mu'min View Post
    I'm starting to see the beauty of Islam after months of depression.
    My thoughts would be to see the beauty of the 99 names of Allah first, then Islam will make more sense. He cares for all creation, he is just, merciful and it mentions three times that he is forgiving. When you reflect on all his names you might become influenced by them, you may have a greater understanding of what Islam is asking of you. And you can find a greater peace.

    May Allah bless you on your journey,
    Eric
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    Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    You will never look into the eyes of anyone who does not matter to God.

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    Studentofdeed's Avatar
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Today inshallah I eill definitely for sure include you in my duas. Please keep us all in your duas as well. May Allah bless you sister. You are stronger than many of us
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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    My Dear Sister,

    السلام علیکم ورحمتہ اللہ وبرکاتہ

    It is very essential to know about the mechanism of things. It is like you are driving a car on a lonely highway and you don’t know anything about the machinery of the car and if it gets stucked, you have to stop your journey and will have to wait for someone to help you get out of that. But if you know how each and everything in the machinery of the car works, you feel confident during your drive and even if it halts, you can manage to make it run again after a temporary short pause of your journey.
    Similarly, if you learn at first the mechanism of only four things, how the Nafs, the Shaitaan (Iblees), the Brain and the Qalb (not particularly meaning heart), you can travel without any difficulty, rather, you can travel with much confidence. I will just try to write very brief about that, just the basics.
    Nafs has nothing to do with your Imaan or believes it only tries to satisfy its comforts and needs and does not care about weather you satisfy him through halaal means or haraam.
    Shaitan has nothing to do with your prayers or your comforts, he only has got business with your Imaan.
    The Brain is something that gives responses only to the things that comes in its domain, that is the things that can come under your perceptions. (mostly the five senses)
    The Qalb is similar to the brain but it gives responses even to those things which do not come under your perceptions (or you can say which do not come under brain’s perceptions). Qalb is the place where imaan resides. Now if you google it, modern sciences also has discovered that the heart also has got brain system of its own.

    رَبَّنَا لاَ تُزِغْ قُلُوبَنَا

    “Our Lord!”, “Let not our hearts deviate

    If you think over different ayahs from quran and in many ahadiths, it always mentions the heart (Qalb) not the brain.
    Now coming to your case, which is very common to many Muslims or to all those that have even glimpses of Imaan.
    As I mentioned above that Shaitaan has got business only with anybody’s Imaan. And the domain of Shaitaan, where he can manipulate a human being is the Brain on the toughest side and the Nafs also but not as hard as the brain. On the other hand, Shaitaan cannot interfere into human’s Qalb not even by an iota. He cannot see the level of your Imaan but he judges anyone’s Imaan by human’s acts and the Brain’s thinking capabilities. And then he restlessly starts misguiding through false thinking which is termed as “Waswasa of Shaitaan”
    So at this stage what I can suggest is just to close your brain about anything related to the religion will mean shutting the door closed for the Shaitaan and moderate your actions to distract all the fellows of Iblees from attacking you for the time being and just try to listen to your heart with peace. Once you establish Imaan firm in you Qalb, nothing will be able to deter you from there again.
    I want to write more on this topic as many fellows suffer these attacks, but I cannot write more for the time being.
    Stay Blessed and feel happy because you have got Imaan for sure whatever Shaitaan is doing or will do, you will defeat him in this Jihaad e Akbar some day soon.
    | Likes Eric H, Islami.mu'min liked this post

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    Re: Horrible/feelings thoughts on religion. Help needed

    Hey it's me again. The person that was muslimah1928, but I forgot my password. Lol.
    How are u doing? I really hope your better
    I cant PM, so can u try and PM me? I can click on the link


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