help out a sister...

[iamlost]

salaam to all,
I just came across this website while googl-ing some islamic forum.
I am a member of a few other forums and have a problem at the moment but I cant discuss it there as it will give away my identity.
I am a muslim woman,living in North America,married for 6 years now and do not have any kids.
I love my husband to bits and although he is never vocal about it but I know he loves me too.
A few days ago something happened.He went out on a weekend night and told me he is going to a friend's house whom I know well.
he returned home at 4 am and was drunk!he stank of something weird which I assume was beer or something ,was fumbling with his keys while opening the door etc but wasn't totally passed out.
2 days later I found some girls' number on his cell phone.I called that number using his phone and she picked up and said his name "hi *****" meaning that she knew him
when I asked him he said after lots of lies that she was a show girl he met that day while he was at an adult bar. and assured that nothing more happened.although I still have a hard time believing that how come they exchanged phone numbers then.but maybe I am in denial and dont want to think down that road .
today I found out that he spent $700 that day.I asked him he says he paid for himself and the other people who went with him.
Although my trust has been shattered and it still hurts a lot and I just dont know what is true and what is a lie.
My initial reaction was to leave him and go back to my country but that is not possible so that did not happen and neither do I want it to.
Recitation of Surah Yasseen has helped me in these few days to find a bit of calmness within me but I dont know what to do.
In the 6 years we have been married there has not been anything suspicious on his part.
I want to forgive him and a part of me already has.
I want to forget it or atleast find some solace.
I want to know any kalam e paak I can read to make my marriage stronger and safe from the sha'itaan and something I can read and pray that Allah swt guide him to the right path.
He does not pray himself...just an occasional prayer here and there and I have kinda given up on it now.
He does say it was a mistake and will not happen again.

I am sorry for such a long post.and am not sure where to exactly post it.I will really appreciate any sincere replies.
Whatever he did is between his God and himself and although it shattered my trust I need to find peace for myself.

Thanks.

[Zahida]

First of all sister, i am so sorry that this is happening to you, and i hate to say this but when your husband says that it won't happen again how can that be gauranteed............ it should not have happened in the first place............

I think you both need to talk and discuss this incident. Ask him why he did it. Put your fears across to him. If it has happened once whats to say he won't do it again. Is there something lacking in the realtionship. Is he not happy. Why. Or is it because he is a man and had to do something like this to prove himself and prove to his mates exactly how much of a man he is................

I am sorry sis, i know i am being harsh and you probably don't want to hear all this right now. But whatever excuse your husband comes up with does not justify his actions.......

InshaAllah you can forgive him, and try again. But he needs to prove himself. When you talk.Ask him to come to the local Masjid with you and to pray to nafal astaghfaar ask for Allahs' forgiveness and for him to solmenly promise that this kind of behaviour will not reoccur. He is on the road to self destruction, and will destroy you and your relationship too if you allow this to continue. I guess what i am trying to say is don't let him off lightly............

I apologise if i have spoken out of turn...... You in the meantime are doing just great continue to pray as you are and ask for Allah to guide you and he will. Ameen.........:smile:

salaam to all,
I just came across this website while googl-ing some islamic forum.
I am a member of a few other forums and have a problem at the moment but I cant discuss it there as it will give away my identity.
I am a muslim woman,living in North America,married for 6 years now and do not have any kids.
I love my husband to bits and although he is never vocal about it but I know he loves me too.
A few days ago something happened.He went out on a weekend night and told me he is going to a friend's house whom I know well.
he returned home at 4 am and was drunk!he stank of something weird which I assume was beer or something ,was fumbling with his keys while opening the door etc but wasn't totally passed out.
2 days later I found some girls' number on his cell phone.I called that number using his phone and she picked up and said his name "hi *****" meaning that she knew him
when I asked him he said after lots of lies that she was a show girl he met that day while he was at an adult bar. and assured that nothing more happened.although I still have a hard time believing that how come they exchanged phone numbers then.but maybe I am in denial and dont want to think down that road .
today I found out that he spent $700 that day.I asked him he says he paid for himself and the other people who went with him.
Although my trust has been shattered and it still hurts a lot and I just dont know what is true and what is a lie.
My initial reaction was to leave him and go back to my country but that is not possible so that did not happen and neither do I want it to.
Recitation of Surah Yasseen has helped me in these few days to find a bit of calmness within me but I dont know what to do.
In the 6 years we have been married there has not been anything suspicious on his part.
I want to forgive him and a part of me already has.
I want to forget it or atleast find some solace.
I want to know any kalam e paak I can read to make my marriage stronger and safe from the sha'itaan and something I can read and pray that Allah swt guide him to the right path.
He does not pray himself...just an occasional prayer here and there and I have kinda given up on it now.
He does say it was a mistake and will not happen again.

I am sorry for such a long post.and am not sure where to exactly post it.I will really appreciate any sincere replies.
Whatever he did is between his God and himself and although it shattered my trust I need to find peace for myself.

Thanks.

[iamlost]

thanks for your reply....
whatever you said is true...I do not have any guarantee that it will not happen again except for his just saying it...
and this incident made me realize that I love him a lot....and I am not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing....and the decision I made to stay with him and try to forgive and forget whether it was right or wrong....
In the 6 years we have been married apparently we have been happy...Allah knows if I am too naive or just plain stupid...
He says it was a mistake and wont happen again....I asked why did it happen he says he wanted to relieve his stress....which happens to be work and career related and I know what it is...I also understand that what he did is no excuse for anything and plain plain wrong.....
I just got done with Maghrib and recitation of Surah Yaseen as its teh only thing these days thats help me find some peace.
He on the other hand is just his usual self and is as if nothing ever happened...
When I was trying to get across to him and talk about it he said that if he has admitted to his mistake in front of me it never means that I should bring it up again and again and ridicule him....
I know no one can answer my doubts but I just want to believe that the decision I took that day of not leaving this man,this home and this marriage was the right decision...

I will try to talk him into going to the mosque with me and ask for forgiveness with all his heart...May Allah forgive him and us all of our sins...ameen....

Can you tell me any other Surah/Ayaat to recite in my situation...??

JAK.

[Snowflake]

assalamu alaykum sis,

I can understand, you, as a muslim wife being forgiving and all that but that is exactly what men like this rely on to carry out their dirty deeds. Listen, what was he doing in an adult bar in the first place? He has a wife sitting at home while he's oggling naked women in some dirty place and drinking? You are worth more than that sister. You may think he hasn't done this before, but from what you've said, I bet this isn't his first time. A man goes into an adult bar for the first time, blows $700, exchanges numbers with a kanjeri and comes home drunk all for the first time in his life? Firstly, it's very very unlikely, and even if the rest was, the exchanging of telefone numbers doesn't add up. She answered the call u made from his fone by saying his name. Now, his number was added in her mob for her to have recognised caller ID and say his name easily.. meaning they have spoken before and know each other more than you think. Women like that prob get given hundreds of numbers, but do u think they add em unless they are involved with someone? Come on sis, think about the nitty-gritty, CSI style.


While writing this, I've just read ur second post about forgiving him and quiet frankly I think he's just been slapped on the back of the wrist like a naughty boy and that's that. I doubt he'd be so forgiving if you had done what he did. I'm all for saving marriages but don't forget that your husband may have exposed himself to the risk of STD, not to mention abused your trust and the sanctity of marriage. Did you know herpes can be transmitted just by kissing?? And if you catch it, you have it forever. But if these things dont bother you and if you still wanna forgive your husband, that's your choice. But two things I wanna say.. firstly by being so accepting and forgiving, you've given him the message that it's ok for him to treat you like this. You've literally given him the chance to do it again. Secondly, tell em to get and get himself tested for stds before letting him near you. I'm sure sis, you will agree that, that is the least you deserve.


I'm sorry if I sound so harsh and unforgiving but I fail to muster any sympathy for men like your husband and women who let men get away with treating them like this. Please forgive me if my bluntness caused you offence.

[Zahida]

Dear sis, in reply i am in no position toell you of any ayaah to recite, namaaz and recition of surah yaseen help and give you peace of mind i also recite the darood shariff......................

Sis this is difficult to say but now because your marraige has been tainted this will hang over you. You will not be able to trust your husband again ever. Everytime he goes out you will be questioning where he is and who he is with. Every time you argue you will bring this incident to the surface as your reply is already indicating................

I really do feel for you. No woman deserves to be treated in this way, as for your husband is he really a true Muslim man, does he not fear Allah.....

I have been in similar situations sis, and the man generally behaves as if nothing has happened when inside you are screaming!!!! I am sorry to sound so negative, but i am speaking from experience. I understand that you love your husband, but is he really worth all this?? He has done it once sis, he will do it again................

In our culture there is a saying (pakistani) that a theif gets caught on the third time..... Sis nothing stays haidden and maybe it is better that all this has come out into the open.............
I wish you all the peace in the world as i can understand the **** you must be going through..................

May Allah ease your difficulties and guide you to the right path. Ameen..........

[iamlost]

thanks for the replies....
whatever you two have said is true...I dont know how the exchange of numbers happened and what the hell he was doing there in the first place....
If I leave him I know for sure I will ruin my parents in their old age along with 2 younger sisters on the brink of getting married...
My husband has his own family issues ,a father who is not speaking with him for the last 4 years etc etc so on and so forth...so even though he is not vocal about it and will never say so but once I leave him too he will be destroyed too...
wht he di is wrong.I for sure do not know if it ever happened in the past or God forbid will happen in the future.
I have seen his his e-mails/credit card accounts/cell phone histories/checking account statements so many times in all these years and he even knows about it but there was never anything that made me suspicious.
He says nothing happened physical.although there was an exchange of phone numbers which does not make any sense.I asked him what if I would have been in his place and done something how would have he felt.His reply was if I did sth wrong which is a gunnah than its a matter between Allah and me.
i tried to talk to him last night too and he says it won't happen again.Other than his word I have nothing else to believe.
I wont be able to trust him like I used to ever again I guess.
My marriage has been tainted and it will stay like so.I understand.
I don't know if my decision to stay with him and give him another chance was right or wrong.At times I think no one deserves to be treated like this,and what happened to my own standards.where did I forget what was right and what was wrong.
What has happened has happened and I decided to stay with him.
If it was my friend telling me this story and asking for advice I would have told her to leave him there and then but I guess its different when it comes to your own self.
I need to find peace for myself.I asked him to ask for forgiveness and he was like yeah sure.I cannot push any human towards doing any worship or prayer.Only thing I can do is tell them what is right and wrong and try to set a practical example in front of him.
At the time being I am just taking his word that he is sorry for what has happened,it was a mistake and will not happen again.
And although I feel disgusted in myself I pray to God that I find the heart and strength to forgive him and find peace and he finds the right path and doesn't deviate from it.Ameen.

I appreciate all the replies as much bitter as they sound as they are true.JAK ,remember a sister in your prayers.

[Zahida]

Sis you are so right when you say that it is different when it comes to ones own self dishing out advice is easy but often we do not learn from it ourselves...............

I understand what you are saying about your parents. I have been in same situation. Difference being my parents saw what my husband did, and i have their support. Ameen.......................

As for your sisters little one...........their kismet is their own. Unfortunaetly no matter how much we hurt and cry we can't change our destiny and make it better. Instead sis hold your head up high with dignity and pride. You have not committed a sin or done anything wrong................ Who am i or this that and the other to judge you?????? Don't be afraid whatever you do, i wish you luck and follow your instincts.............. I feel you will stay with your husband sis and hide his flaws....... you love him, thats what we do....Lol!!! Just look after yourself, because i feel that you are making yourself depressed. Try not to talk about it with your husband again ad both of you start afresh, after all humans are made to make mistakes, if Allah forgives who are we................... Then see how the situation goes. InshaAllah it will be in your favour ..... Ameen..........




Remember Allah does not burden us with more than we can bare...............

thanks for the replies....
whatever you two have said is true...I dont know how the exchange of numbers happened and what the hell he was doing there in the first place....
If I leave him I know for sure I will ruin my parents in their old age along with 2 younger sisters on the brink of getting married...
My husband has his own family issues ,a father who is not speaking with him for the last 4 years etc etc so on and so forth...so even though he is not vocal about it and will never say so but once I leave him too he will be destroyed too...
wht he di is wrong.I for sure do not know if it ever happened in the past or God forbid will happen in the future.
I have seen his his e-mails/credit card accounts/cell phone histories/checking account statements so many times in all these years and he even knows about it but there was never anything that made me suspicious.
He says nothing happened physical.although there was an exchange of phone numbers which does not make any sense.I asked him what if I would have been in his place and done something how would have he felt.His reply was if I did sth wrong which is a gunnah than its a matter between Allah and me.
i tried to talk to him last night too and he says it won't happen again.Other than his word I have nothing else to believe.
I wont be able to trust him like I used to ever again I guess.
My marriage has been tainted and it will stay like so.I understand.
I don't know if my decision to stay with him and give him another chance was right or wrong.At times I think no one deserves to be treated like this,and what happened to my own standards.where did I forget what was right and what was wrong.
What has happened has happened and I decided to stay with him.
If it was my friend telling me this story and asking for advice I would have told her to leave him there and then but I guess its different when it comes to your own self.
I need to find peace for myself.I asked him to ask for forgiveness and he was like yeah sure.I cannot push any human towards doing any worship or prayer.Only thing I can do is tell them what is right and wrong and try to set a practical example in front of him.
At the time being I am just taking his word that he is sorry for what has happened,it was a mistake and will not happen again.
And although I feel disgusted in myself I pray to God that I find the heart and strength to forgive him and find peace and he finds the right path and doesn't deviate from it.Ameen.

I appreciate all the replies as much bitter as they sound as they are true.JAK ,remember a sister in your prayers.

[iamlost]

Zahidah...thansk for the reply yet again...
I am sorry to hear about your bad experience....
My parents do not know because I never told them.If I do tell them I am 101% sure they will support me and stand by me.
yes I am making myself depressed.But then I was the one who made this decision to try to forgive him this one time and hope and pray that it does not happen again.If it does,I will decide what to do at that time.
I have invested 6 years of my life and career into this relationship and I just cannot walk away now.He committed a sin and Allah swt will decide what to do with him.
For me at this time the thing to do is that I forgive him even if he seeks forgiveness from me and Allah or not,and not bring up this issue every other day and try to build my confidence again (which at the moment is not easy) and as you said start fresh all over again...
I am not the most perfect human being out there but my neeyat is clean my intentions are good.I try to pray with all my heart and seek forgiveness for whatever wrong I have done and believe that Allah swt will bless me with happiness and not test me beyond my limits.
I am using the defense mechanism of denial maybe,the more I think the more tangled web I weave and the more I depress myself.
My only option at the moment is to start all over again and try my best not to let anything of the sorts happen again.Inshallah allah will bless my heart with peace.

JAK for all the replies.Really appreciate them.May Allah bless us all and forgive us all...ameen.
Remember a sister in your prayers...

[Zahida]

No problems sis but i can appreciate what you are going through because i have been through the same........... I was very much like you and played the denial game pretending everything is ok, keeping face and not to look like an idiot when everybody else around me seemed so happy............

Six years is a long time, i was in my marraige for 16. My husband took another wife and had endless affairs, and everytime i made excuses, and played the loyal wife act in front of everyone. Inside i was dying.........

Last Dec was the last straw. My daughter was now old enough to understand and saw the way her father behaved and what he did. She was the one who saw the facebook photos.............. After 16 years i had had enough so sis here i am still standing with my dignity and pride intact.

The best feeling is that i know i was not in the wrong and like yourself my niyaat was and still is clean. I believe firmly that Allah will compensate and put happiness my way too, and for you too sis. Just please don't punish yourself or blame yourself like i did.........

It took me along time to realise that i was doing my job perfectly as a mother and wife but he was making my job hard. I have a career and teach. I have lived here all my life, people know me. I eat roti twice a day with izzat, and have a roof over my head. Allah has blessed me sis, and finally i realise that the problem is not me, the problem is him............

I am happy, but is he jumping from one relationship to another??????????
Take care sis...... I would private message you but you do not have enough points yet!!!!!

Finally i would offer you my hand in friendship, if ever you need someone to talk to...................

Zahidah...thansk for the reply yet again...
I am sorry to hear about your bad experience....
My parents do not know because I never told them.If I do tell them I am 101% sure they will support me and stand by me.
yes I am making myself depressed.But then I was the one who made this decision to try to forgive him this one time and hope and pray that it does not happen again.If it does,I will decide what to do at that time.
I have invested 6 years of my life and career into this relationship and I just cannot walk away now.He committed a sin and Allah swt will decide what to do with him.
For me at this time the thing to do is that I forgive him even if he seeks forgiveness from me and Allah or not,and not bring up this issue every other day and try to build my confidence again (which at the moment is not easy) and as you said start fresh all over again...
I am not the most perfect human being out there but my neeyat is clean my intentions are good.I try to pray with all my heart and seek forgiveness for whatever wrong I have done and believe that Allah swt will bless me with happiness and not test me beyond my limits.
I am using the defense mechanism of denial maybe,the more I think the more tangled web I weave and the more I depress myself.
My only option at the moment is to start all over again and try my best not to let anything of the sorts happen again.Inshallah allah will bless my heart with peace.

JAK for all the replies.Really appreciate them.May Allah bless us all and forgive us all...ameen.
Remember a sister in your prayers...

[iamlost]

I would love that Zahidah....how many points am I supposed to have before I can send or get private messages??
Maybe you can send me an email as I think I checked that option when I registered at this website.
I am sorry you and your daughter had to go through all this.Hats off to you for taking a stand for yourself.Inshallah Allah swt will have better plans for you.

whatever happened with me,I just sat there and questioned our relationship over the last 6 years.He was caring,took care of my needs,was a good spouse,stood by me in whatever decision I made regarding career moves and all.
I never came across anything suspicious or anything.
I loved him and I still do although am a bit shattered at the moment.He committed a sin,agreed.I gave him a second chance!
Only time will tell if it was the right thing to do or not and I hope Inshallah it will be the right decision.
I just weighed the 6 years vs. this one sin and it made sense to me that he should be given a second chance.And I should take his word.
I don't want to sound as if I am defending him or anything of the sorts.
I know this has tainted my marriage but I hope God will help me and I find peace.Ameen.
And more tahn that that Allah swt guies him to the right path and forgives him and he never deviates again...ameen to that...

[Zahida]

Sorry for the delay in replying i think you need 50...........
Anyway sis everyone reacts in different ways to different situations, mine is probably worse than yours..Lol!! But i am not gong to sit here and cry or punish myself...........

InshaAllah you have made the right decision to stick by your husband. Allah will compensate you Ameen.......... You will be just fine...........

I would love that Zahidah....how many points am I supposed to have before I can send or get private messages??
Maybe you can send me an email as I think I checked that option when I registered at this website.
I am sorry you and your daughter had to go through all this.Hats off to you for taking a stand for yourself.Inshallah Allah swt will have better plans for you.

whatever happened with me,I just sat there and questioned our relationship over the last 6 years.He was caring,took care of my needs,was a good spouse,stood by me in whatever decision I made regarding career moves and all.
I never came across anything suspicious or anything.
I loved him and I still do although am a bit shattered at the moment.He committed a sin,agreed.I gave him a second chance!
Only time will tell if it was the right thing to do or not and I hope Inshallah it will be the right decision.
I just weighed the 6 years vs. this one sin and it made sense to me that he should be given a second chance.And I should take his word.
I don't want to sound as if I am defending him or anything of the sorts.
I know this has tainted my marriage but I hope God will help me and I find peace.Ameen.
And more tahn that that Allah swt guies him to the right path and forgives him and he never deviates again...ameen to that...

[Cabdullahi]

all men have weaknesses,give him a trial period to focus a 100% religiously and if he cant focus then leave him.give him that ultimatum! and just remember...men are selfish
and women have failed other women by attracting with their pelvis
both species are as guilty as each other...its a sick world !

[alcurad]

good people sometimes might do some very horrible things once or twice but stay alright the rest of the time, while others 'slip' most of the time. from your description, it seems your husband is a good man, only he slipped, pressure or maybe getting bored and so on might be the core issue here.

[iamlost]

Zahida:No problem.
I kinda figured out that I need 50 posts before I can PM.

JUNIOR & Alcurad:JAK for the replies.
This is what I thought,I had to weigh the 6 years of marriage vs. this one incident.And give him this one and only last chance.I hope and pray with all my heart that it never ever happens again otherwise I know for sure what I will do.Its been a week today and it still haunts me like anything but since I was the one who decided not to leave him and give him another chance I have to find peace for myself,start all over again despite this bump in the road.
My other hope is once we have a child he will never incline towards such acts.God knows best and is the best of planners.IA.

I appreciate all the replies and the different point of views.Thanks.

[iamlost]

oh and as JUMIOR said,yes men are selfish.thats why they never think before they do anything wrong.
Women unfortunately or fortunately are not and keep others before themselves.
This is what I did.
At that time I was thinking I cant live without him ,I love my husband a lot and if I leave him he will ruin himself more.
maybe it was a one time momentarily slip but the end of this marriage would have been more devastating.
I thought about him before I did about myself and I hope and pray that my decision to stay and give him another chance will be the best one for us.Ameen and Inshallah.

P.S...how can I edit my previous post if there is a typo or something??

[alcurad]

still need 50 posts for that methinks

[Yanal]

You should ask him what do you think she has that I don't ? Why did you marry me if you want a stranger women whom you met a day ago? Ask this and tell me the replies then I can consult the entire situation and inshAllah it will all work out.

[alcurad]

go for it YanAl~!

[Yanal]

^ first I need the replies. Sabr is the key to paradise.

[iamlost]

YANAL:I think I already did ask him this and his reply was along these lines that he went with friends and not specifically looking for a girl.(although this does not explain how her phone number got into his cell phone..!!..).It was a mistake which should not happen again.
And if I ask him this question again it will be opening a pandora box .I am not saying that I dont want to think about it because it sure does bother me,but since I took the decision to give him one more chance I dont think its a wise thing on my part to bring up the issue every other day, no matter how much it is hurting me.
I do not want to sound weak on my part or defensive for him.I still have a hard time believing this all happened but its just another shot at saving this marriage!!
My initial thoughts when I opened this thread were the same too,I wanted some help to find peace for myself and a heart big enough to forgive and forget since the decision had already been made that I am not leaving him .

JAK for all the replies.Appreciated!