First of all I'll say that if I did move out my parents will be looked after by my older brother who also lives with us (with his wife and kids).
My parents would like it if I stayed for at least the first year of marriage. This makes financial sense. I live in a fairly big house with big bedrooms. But the kitchen, living room and bathroom will be shared.
I personally would like to move out after I get married. I love my family but I'm a very private person and there's certain things I wouldn't be able to do. I don't just mean sex but overall intimacy and joking around (can I shout "Honey I'm home!"?). I'd also like to take on the responsibility of looking after someone and a home.
Soon, I'm going to be introduced to muslim girls for marriage. But I need to have this talk with my parents at some point and I'm not sure the right words to use!
Has anyone else been through this and whatever choice you made, did you regret it?
But the kitchen, living room and bathroom will be shared.
I don't know if my post will make sense. I'd like to say one thing, 'but' is a word which erases everything previously said. And Sharing is Caring.
If you parents like you to stay with them and you love your parents then stay. If you ask me, I'll never move out off my parents. They cared me so much when I was an unknown quantity. Also living with parents after marriage doesn't mean that they need your help or something, it is akhlaq to stay with your parents. I'd rather stay single if my would be wife asks me to move out.
Last edited by 'Abd Al-Maajid; 10-11-2010 at 01:55 AM.
people should live separately after marriage. If they can't move out, then at least have a portion of the house all to yourselves which contains at least one bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathroom. This should be your area and other family members shouldn't be able to enter it without your permission. This will give you more privacy and you'll feel like you have control over your lives. It'll be better for you as well as your wife since she needs to feel that she has control over her life. And it's only fair since she had to leave her parents' house. Having a separate area will also be better islamically since she has to cover from your brother since the brother-in-law isn't her mahram.
A lot of women have problems with mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law (husbands' brothers' wives) because they feel they are competing with them, mainly because they live together or because the in-laws don't let the newlywed couple live their lives. But when everyone lives separately and knows their place in the family and noone interferes with the other, theres more harmony and fewer problems. The new wife doesn't feel like she doesn't have a life, like she has to do what others say, etc.
If you have a big house with lots of spare bedrooms, it's easy to separate a portion. Turn some rooms into the living room, kitchen and bathroom. It will cost a bit but can be done. & I think it may even be less costly than renting your own place. Plus your parents will be happy and your wife as well.
I'd agree with brother Abdul majid...your parents brought you up your entire life, they have so many rights upon you. your wife should iA understand, there is a hadith that says your in-laws are like your parents. maybe brother you'll only really understand when you are a parent yourself, and the huge amount of sacrifice you make and all the hardships you go through for your offspring and then they run off at the first chance. I'd advise you to stay. you only have one set of parents, whilst there are many many many (maybe too many) women in the world.
in my sight its v.serious issue.... in both the cases there are some +ives and -ives ....so i think in some conditions living seperate will be better and in some condition living together is best....
eg if u r religious mind and u r family is not.....then probably u r children will get bad habits from ur nephews....so if there is some religious/emmani obligation then u may get seperate home.....
but if just for ur worldy dreams and love etc,,,,,u want to leave ur parents its not good .... think ur parent had sacrificed much when u are baby.....2ndly u have love with family,,,,so obviosly u will get support from them...u r wife will be more safe and secure...u r babies will be in more loves....and i see ppl living seperately have weak personalities of their children..bcz of being alone more the time,,,u r wife and children can be defeated by satan easily....bcz generally men of now a days have much job load and busy.....
so bro its only my opinion that stay with ur parents unless there is some serious problem....
JZK
The main factors would be age, income and the needs of the parents.
I would only recommend staying with the parents if you are very young (in which case I wouldn't recommend the marriage anyway), can't afford it (in which case I would also recommend waiting for marriage, after all if you can't afford a wife you certainly can't afford a child), or if the parents have some physical need to have you there.
Marriages are hard enough as it is with just two people, much less with four or more. I believe that if you aren't ready for independence then you aren't ready for marriage. The two go hand-in-hand.
maybe brother you'll only really understand when you are a parent yourself, and the huge amount of sacrifice you make and all the hardships you go through for your offspring and then they run off at the first chance
people should live separately after marriage. If they can't move out, then at least have a portion of the house all to yourselves which contains at least one bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathroom. This should be your area and other family members shouldn't be able to enter it without your permission. This will give you more privacy and you'll feel like you have control over your lives. It'll be better for you as well as your wife since she needs to feel that she has control over her life. And it's only fair since she had to leave her parents' house. Having a separate area will also be better islamically since she has to cover from your brother since the brother-in-law isn't her mahram.
A lot of women have problems with mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law (husbands' brothers' wives) because they feel they are competing with them, mainly because they live together or because the in-laws don't let the newlywed couple live their lives. But when everyone lives separately and knows their place in the family and noone interferes with the other, theres more harmony and fewer problems. The new wife doesn't feel like she doesn't have a life, like she has to do what others say, etc.
If you have a big house with lots of spare bedrooms, it's easy to separate a portion. Turn some rooms into the living room, kitchen and bathroom. It will cost a bit but can be done. & I think it may even be less costly than renting your own place. Plus your parents will be happy and your wife as well.
I like this answer a lot because the thing about having control and privacy is a big issue. Whenever I try to explain this to people I can tell what they're thinking "all this guy wants to do is have intercourse all around the house". But it's not, there's loads of random things I've seen. I know a couple where the husband allowed his wife to stay with her mother for a few days but the husbands mother disallowed it. Another example, let's say I want to cook something (Mexican dish) I saw on TV with my wife but everybody else wants a traditional curry, you'd get two different cooks in the kitchen and it makes things a bit awkward.
Islamically, what is recommended? All I know is that you shouldn't break off ties with your family but moving out doesn't mean you are breaking ties with your family!
people should live separately after marriage. If they can't move out, then at least have a portion of the house all to yourselves which contains at least one bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathroom. This should be your area and other family members shouldn't be able to enter it without your permission. This will give you more privacy and you'll feel like you have control over your lives. It'll be better for you as well as your wife since she needs to feel that she has control over her life. And it's only fair since she had to leave her parents' house. Having a separate area will also be better islamically since she has to cover from your brother since the brother-in-law isn't her mahram.
A lot of women have problems with mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law (husbands' brothers' wives) because they feel they are competing with them, mainly because they live together or because the in-laws don't let the newlywed couple live their lives. But when everyone lives separately and knows their place in the family and noone interferes with the other, theres more harmony and fewer problems. The new wife doesn't feel like she doesn't have a life, like she has to do what others say, etc.
If you have a big house with lots of spare bedrooms, it's easy to separate a portion. Turn some rooms into the living room, kitchen and bathroom. It will cost a bit but can be done. & I think it may even be less costly than renting your own place. Plus your parents will be happy and your wife as well.
Theoretically speaking, your theory about harmony makes some sense. In the real world however, the scenario maybe very different. The theory may make more sense to the OP, as he has shown that as the favourable decision originally, but speaking from a position of someone who has seen problems in many families over the past years; I'd have to disagree with living separately to the parents. Abdulmājid has highlighted the matter from its origin, which has more compatibility with Islam than that which you said is Islamically better. On the topic of separate bedrooms; its perfectly reasonable and covers the laws of 'awrah, but separate kitchens is going too far to call it an Islamically better scenario. We must remember that Islam is not a joke to be played lightly in any topic we wish. Allah has set certain limits, as long as these limits are not transgressed; we cannot make up our own version of what is better and attribute it to Islam. Please try to be careful in future; no matter how small a matter is, its unwise to just assume without knowledge that your opinion is what Islam also says. This applies in everything, in these matters it can easily confuse someone who isn't aware of any Islamic rulings, to assume laws of 'awrah to apply to a kitchen.
This isn't the first time I've seen misuse of an Islamic ruling, but I would like to see less assumptions as such, because it does lead to disturbing results over a longer period of time.
You have to consider the difference between something which is compatible, and something which is a ruling. When you say something is better Islamically; it means that this is something which is part of Islam. The meaning portrayed is not necessarily the correct one in all circumstances.
Leaving aside any relation to Islam in this matter; it is considered more practical for those living a western lifestyle to live separately. This is very easy to spot for those living in countries such as the UK, where elderly parents are left at care homes and many youngsters begin to move out after sixteen.
One must be practical in whichever lifestyle one can apply to; as long as the limits set by Allah are not transgressed. Both; living with and moving out have their own ups and downs. Neither is haram, nor is one more Islamic than the other; staying with parents is more compatible under the criteria stated by Abdulmajid, while the same can be said for what has been stated by Muhaba.
iv been married for nearly three years and am still living with my parents,
you and the mrs have your whole lives to get to know each other, so its not all that bad to have family around.
also its better to have support when the arguments happen lol
when you have children for the first time its kinda hard for new parents and all the love in the world is no substitute for good technique on the little things...and your parents will obviously know what to do.
also living with parents allows you to hopefully save some money for the future and give you a good base to build on.
hopefully your parents can strengthen you during the hard times so overall i would say stick around for a while or untill they kick you out lol
im not married so i have no experience with somehing like this.....but i suppose there are pros and cons when living with your parents while you're married.
Probably not alot of privacy and the feeling of having your own.
but look on the positive side of things
when you have kids and need a babysitter there are plenty around
always someone to give you advice or talk to
your wife would have someone to help her cook/clean and adapt to being a wife (want be as stressed)
your kids would grow up surrounded and smothered with love
also maybe you should ask your older bro for advice, what are his feeling on being married and still living with your parents, was it a good choice, does he plan/ desire to move...you know get a basic idea from someone who's going thru what you are asking and since he is your bro you know he will help and give you great advice.
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it 'The Present'."
it depends on your culture - I know some cultures find it shocking if people move out of there parents house - whilst other cultures see it as a normal transition in life - both also have practical implications - such as if you moved out it would be better in the sense of space for children, privacy etc - but if you stayed then it would be easier to look after the parents, get help from them etc. You also have to see what the wife thinks and how her relationship is with the parents and your family.
peace
Do you think the pious don't sin?
They merely:
Veiled themselves and didn't flaunt it
Sought forgiveness and didn't persist
Took ownership of it and don't justify it
And acted with excellence after they had erred - Ibn al-Qayyim
Theoretically speaking, your theory about harmony makes some sense. In the real world however, the scenario maybe very different. The theory may make more sense to the OP, as he has shown that as the favourable decision originally, but speaking from a position of someone who has seen problems in many families over the past years; I'd have to disagree with living separately to the parents. Abdulmājid has highlighted the matter from its origin, which has more compatibility with Islam than that which you said is Islamically better. I didn't write that living separately was more islamic. I wrote: Having a separate area will also be better islamically since she has to cover from your brother since the brother-in-law isn't her mahram.On the topic of separate bedrooms; its perfectly reasonable and covers the laws of 'awrah, but separate kitchens is going too far to call it an Islamically better scenario. separate kitchens will be better especially in case there are brothers-in-law living in the same house because if the wife has to share the kitchen she'll have to wear her hijab/abaya in the kitchen as well or she'll have to keep the kitchen door closed which may be impossible if it gets too hot. it'snot practical to wear the abaya while working in the kitchen and one may even have to wear body-hugging clothes, pull up their sleeves, etc. when working in the kitchen, cleaning etc. We must remember that Islam is not a joke to be played lightly in any topic we wish. Allah has set certain limits, as long as these limits are not transgressed; we cannot make up our own version of what is better and attribute it to Islam. Please try to be careful in future; no matter how small a matter is, its unwise to just assume without knowledge that your opinion is what Islam also says. This applies in everything, in these matters it can easily confuse someone who isn't aware of any Islamic rulings, to assume laws of 'awrah to apply to a kitchen.
This isn't the first time I've seen misuse of an Islamic ruling, but I would like to see less assumptions as such, because it does lead to disturbing results over a longer period of time.
You have to consider the difference between something which is compatible, and something which is a ruling. When you say something is better Islamically; Whether living separately is more islamic or not, i didn't say it was. Please read what a person wrote and try to understand it before you throw accusations. in fact if you'd read right, you'd have seen that i wasn't even talking about living separately. I provided a compromise between living totally separately and living in the same house but having a separate area, which is possible in the OP's case because he said he had a big house with lots of bedrooms.it means that this is something which is part of Islam. The meaning portrayed is not necessarily the correct one in all circumstances.
Leaving aside any relation to Islam in this matter; it is considered more practical for those living a western lifestyle to live separately. This is very easy to spot for those living in countries such as the UK, where elderly parents are left at care homes and many youngsters begin to move out after sixteen. actually in the Arab world newlyweds have a separate house from the first day of marriage. Only in the south asian culture the new wife is expected to live with the in-laws and only have a single bedroom to herself. she has to share the house with brothers-in-law and their wives and has no privacy. The whole lifestyle is unislamic, because she has to walk around in front of her brothers-in-law without abaya (burka) and even has to serve them food, etc. Additionally it causes difficulties as her father, brothers, and uncles may not be able to visit her because they are non-mahram to her sisters-in-law.
One must be practical in whichever lifestyle one can apply to; as long as the limits set by Allah are not transgressed. Both; living with and moving out have their own ups and downs. Neither is haram, nor is one more Islamic than the other; staying with parents is more compatible under the criteria stated by Abdulmajid, while the same can be said for what has been stated by Muhaba.
see my comments in red.
you have to be considerate toward women's feelings and needs as well. We need a place of our own after marriage. Nowhere does it say in the Quraan that we should live with in-laws. It's true that one should accompany their parents but that doesn't mean the wife/husband has to be forced to live with in-laws or that they can't have a separate area in the house, especially when the parents aren't old or when there are other children present in the house.
having a separate area is much better because it makes it easier to follow the Islamic rules of hijab. there's a hadith that states that the husband's brother is equal to death. so it's extremely necessary that the wife isn't alone in the house with her brother-in-law but such circumstances may arise when she has to live in the same house and share the kitchen, living room, etc. You can't expect her to be locked in her room all the time.
to those who wonder why i usually don't use personal pronouns (I, we) it's because of journalist style. while studying journalism, i learned that the reporter should be invisible, so that's why usually my writing doesn't contain I, we, us.
Islamically i aint 2 sure whats correct, were i am theres free mixing between the families anyway, so cant advise there. but what about getting a place close by ? even next door ?? i know loads of people that have done this, in fact 1 of our neighbours has children owning nearly half the houses in the street. you get to keep close contact with your family and get private space also. personally I think it would be difficult to share with other people, esp strangers...and like some1 mentioned above, theres also the chance of clash of personalities esp wen theres more than 1 woman in the kitchen.
you have to be considerate toward women's feelings and needs as well. We need a place of our own after marriage. Nowhere does it say in the Quraan that we should live with in-laws. It's true that one should accompany their parents but that doesn't mean the wife/husband has to be forced to live with in-laws or that they can't have a separate area in the house, especially when the parents aren't old or when there are other children present in the house.
having a separate area is much better because it makes it easier to follow the Islamic rules of hijab. there's a hadith that states that the husband's brother is equal to death. so it's extremely necessary that the wife isn't alone in the house with her brother-in-law but such circumstances may arise when she has to live in the same house and share the kitchen, living room, etc. You can't expect her to be locked in her room all the time.
to those who wonder why i usually don't use personal pronouns (I, we) it's because of journalist style. while studying journalism, i learned that the reporter should be invisible, so that's why usually my writing doesn't contain I, we, us.
My point wasn't about your style of writing from a journalism view; it was about the philosophy behind it, clearly its yet to be understood correctly. As I pointed out in the last paragraph:
One must be practical in whichever lifestyle one can apply to; as long as the limits set by Allah are not transgressed. Both; living with and moving out have their own ups and downs. Neither is haram, nor is one more Islamic than the other; staying with parents is more compatible under the criteria stated by Abdulmajid, while the same can be said for what has been stated by Muhaba.
The problem is when guesswork is attributed to Islam in such a way that one indicates towards it as if it is part of the deen.
As for living under one roof; there are many examples from the Sahabah and the Tabi'een on its practicality and compatibility with Islam. This doesn't mean I should say such is better Islamically just based on those few examples. Saying something to be preferred as better Islamically means to say Allah and His Prophet like prefer it like that. Unless you are to know for certain that it is the case; it is unwise to make assumptions based on western philosophies.
I am not saying its bad to live separate, but what I am saying is it isn't good to directly or indirectly give false reference to Islam on any matter just to make it seem like the better decision. This is why I said Islam isn't a joke.
I don't think you understood what I wrote. Maybe you don't understand english well?
I understand English very well ; that's not the issue here.
You may ignore my advice about not refering such assumptions; clearly you are thinking from a western philosophical view with some emotional backing. Try to take advice as advice, rather than rushing towards arguments to defend a philosophy, especially as its clear that such a philosophy has no favourability in Islam in the way you stated.
If you still feel angry; use the post reporting feature () provided or the ignore list () from the profile page. Try to keep an open mind whenever using philosophies as your source of argument; no matter how many human beings get together, mankind cannot measure up to the knowledge provided by Allah through their philosophies.
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like prefer it like that. Unless you are to know for certain that it is the case; it is unwise to make assumptions based on western philosophies.
; that's not the issue here.
) provided or the ignore list (
) from the profile page. Try to keep an open mind whenever using philosophies as your source of argument; no matter how many human beings get together, mankind cannot measure up to the knowledge provided by Allah through their philosophies.
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