format_quote Originally Posted by
MuslimInshallah
Assalaamu alaikum brother,
Mmm. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? I feel that I need more information to better address your concerns.
(smile) First off, do you have any relatives close by who you feel comfortable with? How are/have been your relations with them, especially with your mother? Do you have any siblings? Cousins? If you could give me some ideas on your family dynamics, that would really help.
Secondly, you mention social deficits. Do you think this is just a result of anxiety, or do you have trouble interpreting other people's behaviour (which, of course, is rather anxiety-inducing, because then people seem unpredictable). I ask this because I have a son who is autistic. He is very smart, but he just can't read social signals. Part of this is a lack of being able to read people's facial expressions. So then he finds people irrational and unpredictable, and so prefers to avoid people. (smile) We all have our strengths and deficits. His weakness happens to be reading people. (smile) On the other hand, he is gifted in math, and can understand computers very well. (twinkle) He doesn't understand how many people can't find equations in patterns, or read equations, or read great chunks of code and see the flaws. (smile) What I am saying is, is it possible that you have a weakness in the area of social relations? Perhaps you have autistic tendencies? Because if you do, there are strategies out there to help you work with this weakness. And there is nothing wrong with being autistic (or whatever), just as there is nothing wrong with being tone-deaf, or terrible at matching the colours in clothes, or feeling mystified in front of equations, or having trouble reading text because the letters seem to mix themselves up, or whatever. It's just the way Allah Created us, and part of the challenges in life. Part of our Test.
Thirdly, you mention getting married. Why do you want to? Is it only because you feel it's socially an obligation? Do you have a sexual interest in women? Do you want a wife to have someone to connect with? Do you want to connect with her emotionally? Do you hope she might help you to socialize with others? Do you want to have children? Are you ready to connect emotionally with them? Do you have an image in your mind of what would be your ideal family (I mean ideal for you, not a societal ideal)?
Fourthly, can you give me an idea of your communal ties? You are a city-dweller, I think? Is it a big city? Do you know your neighbours? Do you go to the masjid (or whatever, depending on your faith community)? Are you a member of any kind of community organization? Apart from work, do you do any kind of volunteer work?
Fifthly, you talk about anxiety issues. Have you ever explored the roots of your anxiety? This connects a bit with the point about autism (because it might be a root cause). But perhaps there are reasons other than autism for feeling anxious? Have you any ideas why you might feel anxious? Have you ever discussed this anxiousness with a doctor or therapist (trying to find physical or psychological reasons for it)?
(smile) Finally, please don't feel like you're too old. Especially for a man, 30 is not old. And your case is obviously not hopeless. You are reaching out for help. This is very positive. It is part of connecting with others and looking for solutions. And as you may see in my questions, there are many possible avenues to explore (and if you could answer my questions, it could help guide us (you, me, and whoever else wants to add their 2 cents) towards finding the most fruitful ones for you.
(smile) Anyway, I'm glad you posted about your concerns. Each human being is a precious creation of our Lord. And each interaction we have has the potential to bring us closer to Him. For you, for me, and for anyone else who may interact with this thread. (smile) So, thank you for this opportunity.
May God, the Gentle and Wise, Help us to know and understand one another.
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