kids

**buddy1** · 04-15-2009

Hey there guys

As u may or may not know, i have children, 3 to be precise, Jayda and jordan are my twins, and then Alyssa who is 6 months now.

Their dad left me in December and this wouldnt have affected Alyssa to much but it obviously has Jayda.

Jordan is ok, he is very much a mummys boy and clings to me, but Jayda was a daddys girl and now danyal isnt around (at all, he has dissapeared off the face of the earth) she is very emotional.

she told her teacher her surname was changing from Jayda Zakina Syed hussain to Jayda Zakina Worth (my family name) because her dad was dead - I have certainly never mentioned that word in front of her so i have no idea where she gets it from.

and now she gets put to sleep at 7 and when i go to get in bed, she will have snuck in to my room and got in my bed!

if i put her back she wakes up and climbs back in.

I dont know what to do, im becoming increasingly worried about her.

please help or advise?

Thanks

**Woodrow** · 11-19-2009

Peace buddy1,

In spite of Eric's words, I doubt if I have any words of wisdom to offer. But I can share personal experience from a child's view. I was 7 when I lost my father. My sister was 4 same age as your Jayda. Like Jayda she was a Daddy's girl and like Jayda she did much of the same. Being the "Big Boy" in the house I acted indifferent.

My mother simply acted as if all was normal and my sister soon was ready to move back into her on room and by the time she was 10 she had little memory of our Father.

I myself who showed no external grieve. was torn to pieces and every night I looked for him, every night and always expected to see the door open and he would walk in. Because I never let my grief out I spent my years until I was 45 years old looking for my Father. I never had closer until I accidentally found his grave and finally cried the tears I should have cried 38 years earlier.

I feel the best you can do is try to live your life as close to normal as possible. Allow the children to express their feelings in their own way. Do not act surprised, angry or shocked if at some point out of anger either or both say "They wish they were with Daddy instead of you." Keep calm. allow yourself to show sorrow, but do not talk bad about the Children's father. Encourage both to speak about their father. On occasion say things like "I miss Daddy, don't you wish he was still here."

Always be ready to hug either child if they look withdrawn or sad.

**buddy1** · 11-19-2009

Originally Posted by cat eyes

buddy i am sorry to hear of your troubles you are facing. You seem like a really nice woman. I don't know how any man could walk out on his own kids :'( btw i think its really cool to have kids at a young Age, u can grow with them.

and my goodness didnt i grow with them! the best bit of it was the finger painting! i can get away with doing really bad art and still be better!!!

Originally Posted by Eric H

Greetings and peace be with you buddy1;

I am so sorry to hear about your separation, I know it can be very tough for the kids, but are you coping in yourself?

Some time ago I went to a bereavement counselling course, and one thing they said made sense to me was... However much time you spent together with the person you lost, is the amount of time you need to fill with something else that has meaning.

So I guess your daughter climbing into bed with you, is her way of trying to fill that empty time in her life, that she used to spend with her dad.

Our children kept creeping into our bed, until they were six or seven, as I remember.

Some one once said you spell love…….. TIME. How ever much you love someone is measured by the amount of time you spend with them, and your children are lucky that they have a caring mum. But you must need huge amounts of energy, to keep up with three young children, I hope you are ok.

We wait for words of wisdom from our friend Woodrow.

Every blessing be with you

Eric

thanks eric, Im doing really well, which is a change to the original tune! i was in a hell of a state, but we are doing well, the twins start full time school after xmas, they are part time at the min but they turned five not long ago and now are ready to be shipped off to BIG SCHOOL! i hear it so often "you wont be telling me off for not washing my hands before lunch when im at big school!" they are so funny! right little sense of humour they both have! i started taking Alyssa to a mother and baby group so she could meet her own little friends and met a widower, he's a pakistani gentleman, he has a daughter the same age as lyss and he lost his wife when she gave birth to aisha (his daughter) we have become great friends, and have spent alot of time together doing things with the children, its really nice to have him around, he is a year older than me, but great with my 3 and a wonderful dad, he has coped with so much on his own i have a great deal of respect for him. but i think he is enjoying the company and i know having an adult conversation is doing me the world of good!! but its nice to have a man around every so often, the twins adore him, jordan thinks he is superman (dont ask!!

) and things are brilliant. they talk to him about there dad alot to him aswell, alot of what kamran does for the kids is usually replied to with "my daddy used too like this" and my dad has these shoes" kamran takes it very much on the chin and carrys on, with either, yeah but i bet ur dads was better, or your dad was probably better at it than me though! i couldnt have it much better at the moment! life is good at last!