I don't know if this will help, but.... my husband was like that. and as some have said it did get worse. He is overly jealous, he accuses me of cheating on him constantly. He gets angry and uses alot of vulgar language. Your description in the begining was like I was reading my own life. Now that we are married, it's easier to hold on, and harder to let go. I've made a commitment to him. I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake, but marrige is sacred, it's not so easy to end it, even if it hurts. I'm afraid that since I commited to this, his actions don't justify a divorce, and I'm so afraid of angering Allah, because I did marry him. Divorce isn't some trifling matter ya know?
When he gets mad, and yells, it hurts sooooo much. I usually and up crying even when I try really hard not to. It seems like that what he wants though, because if I try to be strong, he just keeps at it, saying worse and worse things until I can't hold out. But, since it happens a lot (every couple of weeks give or take... sometimes every couple of days) he doesn't care if I cry. He gets mad that I'm crying, saying that I'm using that to hurt him. He plays mind games, telling me that he's ok with me doing something, but when i give in and do it (like visiting my parents for the weekend) he explodes at me, and tells me I'm evil, and other names that just wouldn't be nice to put here. He twists everything around, telling me how I'm hurting him, how I'm stressing him out, and how I must not love him very much. He freaks out on me if I don't answer the phone, (usually because i don't hear it, because he has me trained to be terrified of not answering it) but he can go out with his friends (drinking
and dancing) and not answer the phone, and calls me controling when I tell him that if he expects me to always answer, he should do the same.
He also (like you described) will later say he is sorry, that I sholdn't listen to what he says when he's mad, because he doesn't mean it, in fact he insists that he doesn't even remember what he says when he's mad. He says he doesn't mean it, yet he says it again whenever he gets angry.
It is very stressful, i can't sleep, I can barley eat, and I keep hoping that things will get better, but now I'm afraid I'm deluding myself. I wish I knew what to do.
But, as for you, maybe my experiance can help. To push the point that it probably will get worse, only Allah knows. Everyone is different (ability to change)
but if it's already stressing you out big time, I can tell you now, that for me anyways, Marraige didn't make things better, it got worse, and is getting worse as we go (we've been married 3 years now) My husband has major trust and anger issues, and it doesn't get any easier to deal with.
As you say, when he's on, he's wonderful! but for me.... that wonderful time is few and fair between.
I've tried talking to him, and I think we've touched on all the issues at one point or other. he tries, it usually lasts a few days, but... then he gets angry again, at me, saying that I'm making it so hard forhim. He is sick of trying to make me feel good, that its my turn to focus on him (like I haven't been doing that the whole time??!?!) and that its time for him to focus on himself. I quote '"Its my life, and I'm going to focus on me now"
I don't want to dash your hopes or anything, I just thought that maybe my experiance would help you. I love my husband very much, and I've been fighting for us for a long time. but its a very difficult battle to fight alone. I always thought he loved me but it's harder and harder to see that now.... I think maybe he knows how much I love him, (even after all the things he calls me and accuses me of) because he knows he can say this to me again and again and I won't let go. In a way its partyly my fault, because I let it go on without doing what I should have.
I hope this helps.... I hope he can change, and you can be happy together. Insha'Allah
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