Please Help ME.I am confused!

**AnonymousPoster** · 10-17-2009

salaam Alaykum

I am very scared and I feel like I might make the biggest mistake in my life in a few months..I have been seeing a guy for the past year and we are madly in love most of the time...he met my parents..i met his and we decided to get married this upcoming year..But we also constantly fight about everything..we never agree on anything when we r arguing..our personalities are just sooo opposite at times and when we r not arguing he is the most amazing, the sweetest, funniest and the most loving person ever. he did admit he has anger and trust issues but wants to work on it with my help..he works alot and that stresses him out so he calls me everytime and expects me to make him feel better and be sweet and answer the phone everytime..otherwise he accuses me of not caring about him and loving him and he always accuses me of wanting to be with someone else! He breaks up with me and says I broke his heart and later cries and tells me to forgive him coz he didn't mean anything he said and he doesn't even remember what we fought about..He tells me he doesn't trust me at all then later appologizes and tells me not to listen to anything he says when he is mad coz he is not himself! He is too clingy and sensitive to every little word I say...He expects me to be perfect and sweet everytime like I am his wife already.I truly know he loves me more than anything else and he always puts me first in his life and that puts alot of pressure on me, he has alot of issues when he gets mad or feels uncared for...Being with him is ALOT OF pressure and burden and I don't know if he would change...I love him more than anything else but just don't want soo much pressure, ressentment and jealousy in my life..Part of me is so deeply in love with him and wants to marry him and the other part is just sooo terrified and confused. Please help...

**AnonymousPoster** · 12-31-2009

Originally Posted by AnonymousGender

salaam Alaykum

I am very scared and I feel like I might make the biggest mistake in my life in a few months..I have been seeing a guy for the past year and we are madly in love most of the time...he met my parents..i met his and we decided to get married this upcoming year..But we also constantly fight about everything..we never agree on anything when we r arguing..our personalities are just sooo opposite at times and when we r not arguing he is the most amazing, the sweetest, funniest and the most loving person ever. he did admit he has anger and trust issues but wants to work on it with my help..he works alot and that stresses him out so he calls me everytime and expects me to make him feel better and be sweet and answer the phone everytime..otherwise he accuses me of not caring about him and loving him and he always accuses me of wanting to be with someone else! He breaks up with me and says I broke his heart and later cries and tells me to forgive him coz he didn't mean anything he said and he doesn't even remember what we fought about..He tells me he doesn't trust me at all then later appologizes and tells me not to listen to anything he says when he is mad coz he is not himself! He is too clingy and sensitive to every little word I say...He expects me to be perfect and sweet everytime like I am his wife already.I truly know he loves me more than anything else and he always puts me first in his life and that puts alot of pressure on me, he has alot of issues when he gets mad or feels uncared for...Being with him is ALOT OF pressure and burden and I don't know if he would change...I love him more than anything else but just don't want soo much pressure, ressentment and jealousy in my life..Part of me is so deeply in love with him and wants to marry him and the other part is just sooo terrified and confused. Please help...

slaama
brothers and sisters please give me more advice on this issue. Inshaallh it will be really helpful.

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 12-31-2009

^try emotionally detaching yourself from the situation and look at it as if a friend of yours were in your shoes and you were advising them. what would you do? how would you advise them? what are the pros and cons?
weigh up everything from a logical point of view (put your emotions to the side for a second becuase they will hamper your judgment)

do you think he is going to change? if you do marry him, can you handle it? fast forward 5, 10 years from now and see what your life will be like if you do/do not marry him

**random** · 12-31-2009

I don't know if this will help, but.... my husband was like that. and as some have said it did get worse. He is overly jealous, he accuses me of cheating on him constantly. He gets angry and uses alot of vulgar language. Your description in the begining was like I was reading my own life. Now that we are married, it's easier to hold on, and harder to let go. I've made a commitment to him. I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake, but marrige is sacred, it's not so easy to end it, even if it hurts. I'm afraid that since I commited to this, his actions don't justify a divorce, and I'm so afraid of angering Allah, because I did marry him. Divorce isn't some trifling matter ya know?

When he gets mad, and yells, it hurts sooooo much. I usually and up crying even when I try really hard not to. It seems like that what he wants though, because if I try to be strong, he just keeps at it, saying worse and worse things until I can't hold out. But, since it happens a lot (every couple of weeks give or take... sometimes every couple of days) he doesn't care if I cry. He gets mad that I'm crying, saying that I'm using that to hurt him. He plays mind games, telling me that he's ok with me doing something, but when i give in and do it (like visiting my parents for the weekend) he explodes at me, and tells me I'm evil, and other names that just wouldn't be nice to put here. He twists everything around, telling me how I'm hurting him, how I'm stressing him out, and how I must not love him very much. He freaks out on me if I don't answer the phone, (usually because i don't hear it, because he has me trained to be terrified of not answering it) but he can go out with his friends (drinking

and dancing) and not answer the phone, and calls me controling when I tell him that if he expects me to always answer, he should do the same.

He also (like you described) will later say he is sorry, that I sholdn't listen to what he says when he's mad, because he doesn't mean it, in fact he insists that he doesn't even remember what he says when he's mad. He says he doesn't mean it, yet he says it again whenever he gets angry.

It is very stressful, i can't sleep, I can barley eat, and I keep hoping that things will get better, but now I'm afraid I'm deluding myself. I wish I knew what to do.

But, as for you, maybe my experiance can help. To push the point that it probably will get worse, only Allah knows. Everyone is different (ability to change)

but if it's already stressing you out big time, I can tell you now, that for me anyways, Marraige didn't make things better, it got worse, and is getting worse as we go (we've been married 3 years now) My husband has major trust and anger issues, and it doesn't get any easier to deal with.

As you say, when he's on, he's wonderful! but for me.... that wonderful time is few and fair between.

I've tried talking to him, and I think we've touched on all the issues at one point or other. he tries, it usually lasts a few days, but... then he gets angry again, at me, saying that I'm making it so hard forhim. He is sick of trying to make me feel good, that its my turn to focus on him (like I haven't been doing that the whole time??!?!) and that its time for him to focus on himself. I quote '"Its my life, and I'm going to focus on me now"

I don't want to dash your hopes or anything, I just thought that maybe my experiance would help you. I love my husband very much, and I've been fighting for us for a long time. but its a very difficult battle to fight alone. I always thought he loved me but it's harder and harder to see that now.... I think maybe he knows how much I love him, (even after all the things he calls me and accuses me of) because he knows he can say this to me again and again and I won't let go. In a way its partyly my fault, because I let it go on without doing what I should have.

I hope this helps.... I hope he can change, and you can be happy together. Insha'Allah

**syilla** · 12-31-2009

^^^may Allah give u strength and courage and may Allah grant you happiness in this world and hereafter

**Italianguy** · 12-31-2009

Sooooooo whats the problem here? ......sounds like a normal marriage

.

OH WAIT!!! Your not married? How did it get this far anyway?

If your not married there's no problem, he is NOT your responsability nor are you his.....again,...not married.

Stop stressing out, why involve yourself with such agrivation?

Everybody is going to jump me for this reply but.......THEY ARE NOT MARRIED!

**AnonymousPoster** · 12-31-2009

Originally Posted by random

I don't know if this will help, but.... my husband was like that. and as some have said it did get worse. He is overly jealous, he accuses me of cheating on him constantly. He gets angry and uses alot of vulgar language. Your description in the begining was like I was reading my own life. Now that we are married, it's easier to hold on, and harder to let go. I've made a commitment to him. I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake, but marrige is sacred, it's not so easy to end it, even if it hurts. I'm afraid that since I commited to this, his actions don't justify a divorce, and I'm so afraid of angering Allah, because I did marry him. Divorce isn't some trifling matter ya know?

When he gets mad, and yells, it hurts sooooo much. I usually and up crying even when I try really hard not to. It seems like that what he wants though, because if I try to be strong, he just keeps at it, saying worse and worse things until I can't hold out. But, since it happens a lot (every couple of weeks give or take... sometimes every couple of days) he doesn't care if I cry. He gets mad that I'm crying, saying that I'm using that to hurt him. He plays mind games, telling me that he's ok with me doing something, but when i give in and do it (like visiting my parents for the weekend) he explodes at me, and tells me I'm evil, and other names that just wouldn't be nice to put here. He twists everything around, telling me how I'm hurting him, how I'm stressing him out, and how I must not love him very much. He freaks out on me if I don't answer the phone, (usually because i don't hear it, because he has me trained to be terrified of not answering it) but he can go out with his friends (drinking

and dancing) and not answer the phone, and calls me controling when I tell him that if he expects me to always answer, he should do the same.

He also (like you described) will later say he is sorry, that I sholdn't listen to what he says when he's mad, because he doesn't mean it, in fact he insists that he doesn't even remember what he says when he's mad. He says he doesn't mean it, yet he says it again whenever he gets angry.

It is very stressful, i can't sleep, I can barley eat, and I keep hoping that things will get better, but now I'm afraid I'm deluding myself. I wish I knew what to do.

But, as for you, maybe my experiance can help. To push the point that it probably will get worse, only Allah knows. Everyone is different (ability to change)

but if it's already stressing you out big time, I can tell you now, that for me anyways, Marraige didn't make things better, it got worse, and is getting worse as we go (we've been married 3 years now) My husband has major trust and anger issues, and it doesn't get any easier to deal with.

As you say, when he's on, he's wonderful! but for me.... that wonderful time is few and fair between.

I've tried talking to him, and I think we've touched on all the issues at one point or other. he tries, it usually lasts a few days, but... then he gets angry again, at me, saying that I'm making it so hard forhim. He is sick of trying to make me feel good, that its my turn to focus on him (like I haven't been doing that the whole time??!?!) and that its time for him to focus on himself. I quote '"Its my life, and I'm going to focus on me now"

I don't want to dash your hopes or anything, I just thought that maybe my experiance would help you. I love my husband very much, and I've been fighting for us for a long time. but its a very difficult battle to fight alone. I always thought he loved me but it's harder and harder to see that now.... I think maybe he knows how much I love him, (even after all the things he calls me and accuses me of) because he knows he can say this to me again and again and I won't let go. In a way its partyly my fault, because I let it go on without doing what I should have.

I hope this helps.... I hope he can change, and you can be happy together. Insha'Allah

Oh Subhanaaalah this really made me cry.

I don't want him to be like that when I marry him...this is really getting scarier...I prayed istakharah soo many times but I just never got a clear answer.

**AnonymousPoster** · 12-31-2009

Originally Posted by random

I don't know if this will help, but.... my husband was like that. and as some have said it did get worse. He is overly jealous, he accuses me of cheating on him constantly. He gets angry and uses alot of vulgar language. Your description in the begining was like I was reading my own life. Now that we are married, it's easier to hold on, and harder to let go. I've made a commitment to him. I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake, but marrige is sacred, it's not so easy to end it, even if it hurts. I'm afraid that since I commited to this, his actions don't justify a divorce, and I'm so afraid of angering Allah, because I did marry him. Divorce isn't some trifling matter ya know?

When he gets mad, and yells, it hurts sooooo much. I usually and up crying even when I try really hard not to. It seems like that what he wants though, because if I try to be strong, he just keeps at it, saying worse and worse things until I can't hold out. But, since it happens a lot (every couple of weeks give or take... sometimes every couple of days) he doesn't care if I cry. He gets mad that I'm crying, saying that I'm using that to hurt him. He plays mind games, telling me that he's ok with me doing something, but when i give in and do it (like visiting my parents for the weekend) he explodes at me, and tells me I'm evil, and other names that just wouldn't be nice to put here. He twists everything around, telling me how I'm hurting him, how I'm stressing him out, and how I must not love him very much. He freaks out on me if I don't answer the phone, (usually because i don't hear it, because he has me trained to be terrified of not answering it) but he can go out with his friends (drinking

and dancing) and not answer the phone, and calls me controling when I tell him that if he expects me to always answer, he should do the same.

He also (like you described) will later say he is sorry, that I sholdn't listen to what he says when he's mad, because he doesn't mean it, in fact he insists that he doesn't even remember what he says when he's mad. He says he doesn't mean it, yet he says it again whenever he gets angry.

It is very stressful, i can't sleep, I can barley eat, and I keep hoping that things will get better, but now I'm afraid I'm deluding myself. I wish I knew what to do.

But, as for you, maybe my experiance can help. To push the point that it probably will get worse, only Allah knows. Everyone is different (ability to change)

but if it's already stressing you out big time, I can tell you now, that for me anyways, Marraige didn't make things better, it got worse, and is getting worse as we go (we've been married 3 years now) My husband has major trust and anger issues, and it doesn't get any easier to deal with.

As you say, when he's on, he's wonderful! but for me.... that wonderful time is few and fair between.

I've tried talking to him, and I think we've touched on all the issues at one point or other. he tries, it usually lasts a few days, but... then he gets angry again, at me, saying that I'm making it so hard forhim. He is sick of trying to make me feel good, that its my turn to focus on him (like I haven't been doing that the whole time??!?!) and that its time for him to focus on himself. I quote '"Its my life, and I'm going to focus on me now"

I don't want to dash your hopes or anything, I just thought that maybe my experiance would help you. I love my husband very much, and I've been fighting for us for a long time. but its a very difficult battle to fight alone. I always thought he loved me but it's harder and harder to see that now.... I think maybe he knows how much I love him, (even after all the things he calls me and accuses me of) because he knows he can say this to me again and again and I won't let go. In a way its partyly my fault, because I let it go on without doing what I should have.

I hope this helps.... I hope he can change, and you can be happy together. Insha'Allah

Sister I pray and hope Allah will ease your pain very soon inshallah i will remember you in my prayers. you have been through so much and still strong. Allah will make everything easy for you please keep praying to him.

**AnonymousPoster** · 12-31-2009

Thank you for you words and your prayers.

Insh'Allah, I will be able to stay strong. With all of that, I will try to keep Islam formost in my mind. That if I do everything I should, Insha'Allah, I will be rewarded. Regardless of how I am treated, the most important thing to focus on is Allah and Islam.

**Donia** · 12-31-2009

Originally Posted by AnonymousGender

Oh Subhanaaalah this really made me cry.

I don't want him to be like that when I marry him...this is really getting scarier...I prayed istakharah soo many times but I just never got a clear answer.

Asalaamu alaikum sis.

I truly feel for you.
Are you sure you haven't gotten a clear answer... or maybe just not the answer you were hoping for?

**Hamza Asadullah** · 12-31-2009

Originally Posted by AnonymousGender

Sister I pray and hope Allah will ease your pain very soon inshallah i will remember you in my prayers. you have been through so much and still strong. Allah will make everything easy for you please keep praying to him.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister your illegitamate relationship with this man is a major sin and Allah does not bless such relationships. You cannot do isthikhara on that which is haraam.

You should fear Allah and leave such a haraam relationship immediatley. If you die any second now then how will you explain yourself to Allah? Allah will not accept any excuses because you knew what was right and what is wrong but you chose to have the rellationship anyway. So this must end immediatley!

My sister countless people have had failed marriages because of marrying partners they knew they had issues with but married them anyway because they were in "love".

Any married person in here will tell you although love is essential in a mariage it is NOT enough to keep a marriage going. After a while of living with him you will realise what i mean.

Marriage is a team effort and if one member of the team refuses to participate then the team will collapse.

If your personalities are clashing now then what will happen when you spend EVERYDAY and NIGHT with him for years on end?

You know deep in your heart you cannot spend your whole life with a person like that but you can't get yourself to leave him. It is upto you if you want to ruin your life and become a divorcee.

Sister save yourself the pain, torture and mental scarring.Your not married to him right now this is an illegitamate relationship and it is devoid of any blessings from Allah and Allah is revealing him to you so that you can ralsie what you will have to go through.

Sister random's story should be enough for you to realise that some peole are just not right in the head and we all have seen it sister as i have myself.

This guy is obviously obsessed with having control and let me tell you something sister the people who have trust issues and act the way this guy is acting they are the ones that cheat! I hope Allah reveals the truth to you!

Don't take what i say lightly! It is your life and all i can do is advise you best i can and i would seriously advise you to move on with your life without him but if you decide to continue then you will have to pay the consequances and you will surely regret it because time does'nt come back and mental scarring takes so long to go away and imagine what you will have to deal with when you have a terrible marriage which leads to a divorce!

Allah is watching you and you should not continue this haraam relationship any longer. Look at how unhappy you are do you think Allah will give you blessings whilst your committing haraam?

Sister don't let shaythan fool you any longer! You will never find happiness in such a relationship so do what is best for you and save yourself further pain and agony and leave such a forbidden relationship before it gets any worse!

May Allah save you from this man and reveal the truth to you! Ameen