Assalam-u-Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh,
I'm hoping you might be able to help me, brothers and sisters. I have never discussed this with anyone before, so please bear with me, it's a long post.
I'm 23 and I'm female. I was born a muslim, however, my parents aren't very religious so I never learnt very much about Islam. Recently, I've been having recurring nightmares in which I'm literally beside myself with fear and sorrow because I'm dying and I'm inconsolable and crying because I keep telling people I'm scared of dying as I haven't learnt enough about my faith and when people ask why, I respond that I didn't think I'd die this early - I thought I had time to learn before I died...
I know dreams have no serious significance - but I think this is my subconcious mind that is influencing my dreams. And I am really down and quite depressed a lot of the time, because I need to turn towards the Allah (swt).
I have no doubt in my mind that Islam is the religion I want to follow. It is flawless in my eyes.
My father, although a muslim, used to drink in front of me (and my two younger brothers) when we were children. I have reason to believe he still drinks now - and I'm certain that he was drunk one night during Ramadan this year. I have seen my mother drink, who encouraged me to drink once or twice when I was growing up, like when I was about 18. As in, 'oh lets get a bottle of wine.' or 'I've brought a bottle of wine home, drink it with me.'
My mother doesn't wear hijab and my parents have had a very volatile relationship - I've seen my mother stab my father in the neck with a knife once during a very bad argument...it was such a difficult time for me.
My parents do however fast during the month of Ramadan every year.
I spent 5 years away from home at University, and during this time I was very depressed and my parents didn't support me financially, there were times when I couldn't afford to eat - we barely spoke so I was a mess. Although I am now back at home, I don't speak to my parents often, as they dislike me for some reason, so I'm not even close enough to go to them for guidance and to learn about Islam. Also, my mother used to beat me very viciously when I was a child - I don't mean a light slap on the face, or a chappal to the back of the legs - I mean full on abuse. She would strangle me and threaten me with knives. She once abandoned me in a random area where we lived when I was about 7...Once, I fled our own house in my pyjamas when I was about ten because she went off to the kitchen to get a knife...So I find it incredibly difficult to love her - sometimes I feel so much raging contempt towards her - but I try my hardest to suppress these feelings as I know, that in Islam, one must respect one's mother as heaven lies at her feet.
- I cannot pray - I'm so ashamed of this and I don't know who to turn to, I don't know who can teach me. My parents never pray - even during ramadan. (My mum tried to a few times this year, my dad, never. We just fast and that's it.)
- I'm just so so lost, I'm so scared and I need help. In the past, when I was at university, I felt suicidal, and I tried to kill myself and was admitted into hospital. I would never take my life now that I realise how stupid it was, but I used to be a mess.
- Can anyone help suggest how I can learn how to pray? I tired checking them, but I can't understand when people sing the words from the Quran, I need it simplified as I can't speak Arabic. Are there any websites? I live in Birmingham, (England) can anyone suggest a place where I can go to learn about Islam? - I'd rather go somewhere and speak to real people instead of rely on websites. I have no muslim friends, you see.
- Also, I am considering wearing a hijab. I don't mean to boast or seem arrogant, but I am fairly attractive and I get a lot of attention from some men - even though I dress very modestly. Can anyone who wears the hijab and never did previously, explain how they are finding it? Do you feel people judge you more, or do you feel more at peace in yourself now that you're wearing the hijab?
- Are there any useful links for lectures etc? I have tried watching a few of Dr. Zakir Naik's lectures, they're quite interesting, but I can only find snippets on youtube. Perhaps I should try reading or watching sources for new reverts, as my knowledge is so bad.
- Do you think Allah (swt) will forgive me for trying to take my life? I have scars on my wrist from this...do you think if I ever get married that my husband will be angry at me /ashamed of me for these scars? (They're not very visible. They've faded now, but you can see them close up.)
I'll really appreciate it if someone can help, may Allah (swt) bless you for being patient and reading this. JazakAllahu Khair.
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