Dear brothers and sisters, I'm going through a difficult time right now with my faith. Sometimes I feel maybe I jumped into islam too soon, everything is a struggle for me. From my understanding the religion is not suppose to be difficult but I feel like I can't do anything right in Islam.
I will give you some background info on me. I was born into the Christian faith and baptized, however my family was not religious we did not attend church. When I was a teenager I converted to a pagan religion and practiced that for almost 10 years. My father passed away suddenly when I was 18. I was traumatized. One day when I was in a state of absolute agony I had a vision of angels by the 1000s swarming me in the room I was in. They pulled me upstairs and had me open a drawer in a dresser (which I never look in) which had a bible. Prior to this I never really looked at a bible and shortly after I converted back to Christianity.
When I was in university my high-school friend from back home discovered Islam. For years I thought she had lost her mind. She spent a lot of time attempting to convert me. After while I became obsessed with Islam. I spent all my time studying and reading about it. After sometime I converted myself. This original friend who brought me to Islam no longer practices now, but last I talked to her about it she tells me she's still a believer.
The problem I'm having now is I feel a tug in my heart to go back to Christianity. Christians tell me I'm doing all this work to please God for nothing and I will be doomed to the hell-fire unless I accept back their 'free gift' from God. I never viewed Jesus pbuh as God when I was christian, but as a 'path to God'.
Then on the other hand if I was to leave Islam to go back to Christianity I am surely doomed in that respect as well. I don't want to go to hell brothers and sisters.
I prayed to Allah to give me a sign. I saw behind my eyelids a vision of Jesus pbuh. Is this the work of shayton? I'm so confused. I'm constantly ask Allah to guide me to the right faith but I'm afraid I am not seeing His signs.
I won't go into too many details because I know muslims get upset when you talk about your sins. Please forgive me if I've upset anyone thus far with what I've said already. But to be a 'perfect muslim' I have to give up everything in my life. Where I live, my friends, my spouse. I'm terrified and not ready to do such things.
Please be gentle with me brothers and sisters, you all are the only ummah I have in my life.
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