Heartbroken, overwhelmed. Please help.

Asalaamu alaykum dear brothers and sisters

I really need your help. I am going crazy.

I wil try to cut the story as short as I can. I was engaged to a brother. We had the right intentions and were doing things in the correct way. No private contact, no private meetings. we both had very difficult parents, esp mine. alhamdulilah somehow they all agreed and we were engaged.

Since the engagement, we started to get too friendly. i was going through a bad time as my mum was really against it. at first he just wanted to help and support me. we never intended to even exchange numbers, the first time i called him he said it was his brothers number, even though it was his. The first time we met alone, we both tried to get a third party, but were unable to, and i was leaving the city. so we ended up meeting alone. since then the boundaries were broke and we would meet occasionally and talk regularly. prior to this, everything we knew about each other was spot on. we both were very happy and had asked all the right questions to determine that we were a good match.

since we gave into shaytaan things went downhill. i would start to feel insecure, we would have minor misunderstandings. there was frustration as we were not halal for each other. the smallest of things were being blown out of proportion. we still got on really well. but all these small things were getting to him, so much that he started having doubts.

he never really opened up about them. just my insecurities got to him. i was distraught as he wanted to call it off, and he was acting all strange. everytime i would talk to him, he would be like i dont know what is wrong with me. im fearful that if we are like this now, how will it get better when we are married. i explained that its because we are not married, and shaytaan is trying to destroy us. as we were really good together, helped each other to progress in dawah, everything was falling into place. but then we got into a non physical bf/gf relationship.

i recommended we both have ruqya, as everyone knew about us and said we made a perfect match. The Raqe told me that I have the evil eye. maybe even magic done. so i have started ruqya properly.

going back, 3 weeks ago he called it off. and he completely cut contact with me as his parents made him promise he wouldnt contact me. they disliked the fact we had gone behind their backs and had been meeting. he had been to my sisters house, when they havent been there.

i was so so distraught wallahi, because he told me he loved me, nothing could come in between us, and then 2/3 days he called it off and didnt even give me an explanation

i tried to get in touch with him a few times but he wouldnt get back to me.

last week i did a terrible thing. i pretended to be my friend and emailed him. i said something had happened to me. it was supposed to be a 1 min joke but it got really really out of hand. his whole family found out. and i had to tell lie upon lie to cover it up. they dont know that it was me. but he knows.

he contacted me a few days ago, because he felt bad. he wanted us to use ramadhan to make istikhara and dua. and put our full trust in Allaah. he asked about the email and i lied. i said it had nothing to do with me. but he knew the friend i pretended to be, and found out it was me

suprisingly he was really understanding. gave me the opportunity to be honest and tell him everything. at first he said this means that we can no longer use ramadhan to think about it, but as he goes he forgives me, and understands i was in an extreme state, we can use ramadhan.

but i feel sick brothers and sisters. i feel sick and disgusted with myself. i cannot stop hating myself for what i have done. he said he wouldnt tell anyone and told me not to tell anyone either. but i feel terribly burdened with guilt and hatred for myself. how could i be so sick, so snidey, so deceiving.

his family are put off from me now anyway, because im too independent, because they know we have been meeting up, they are disappointed and cannot understand how i could go behind my parents back, and talk to him without them knowing etc. i feel sick.

i really really care about him. so much. we had something so great, and we messed it up. i messed it up more.

its been four weeks now. im such a mess. i feel a huge physical pain in my chest. i have lost so much weight subhan'allah. now that its ramadhan i have no energy whatsover to do anything. im a huge mess.

i cannot concentrate on anything. i cannot sleep properly because i am heartbroken, and then overwhelmed with myself.

i cannot stop crying. feel disgusted with myself.

i miss him too. i did istkhara for 6 months before he came to my house. everything was right between us, everything was working out. i always felt right about him, and inclined towards it.

at first i thought it was completely over. but he said we should use ramadhan. he said we would need a miracle to sort this out, as we need Allaah to change our families hearts too, as so much has happened and everyone being disappointed.

but i am so scared. i cannot stop feeling guilty for a start. i want to make things right but dont know how.

i feel hurt by him too.

please someone help me

Salaam dear sis and Welcome to the Forum

Ramadan Mubarak


If you are engaged then please tell him to get married to you as soon as possible.Also, If he forgave you for what you did , Ask Allah forgiveness and forgive yourself, A sin that brings remorse is better than a "good" deed that brings ego. How to make things better?:
First you have to realize it is crucial now to build trust that you have to become an honest person because if you received Forgiveness the first time it is not garunteed you will receive it again. You have to become a more honest and frank person tell him the truth from the beginning and tell the reason and take full responsibilty of what you have done Insha'Allah with self-improvement and God's help you will gain a stronger trust.

Stop interacting with him : I know I just said to say the full Truth but after you do it try your best to not speak to him or take this any further you must be careful in order not to get into other unpleasant circumstances.

Be kind to yourself: you are a Human being we all fall into mistakes, there are some people out there who fell into deeper traps You must never loose hope,with sincere Repentance and a positive outlook insha'Allah God will make things happen in the best way. Work on self-improvement and also try to focus on how to become a better wife and a better mother ( for the future with him God willing).

As he said: Use Ramadan but be sincere in you approach try to do as much good deeds ( especially for other) such a helping people, or giving and participating in Charity.


There's one thing though I have to say regarding the below:

i recommended we both have ruqya, as everyone knew about us and said we made a perfect match. The Raqe told me that I have the evil eye. maybe even magic done. so i have started ruqya properly.

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I'm terribly sorry if this may be harsh or a little unpleasant. But, It's not fair to blame others for our actions, Both of you did this willingly no one forced you both to get into anything unpleasant so it's not fair to say that maybe someone gave us the evil eye because ; 1. It's an excuse for us not to take responsibility of our actions. 2.We are accusing people of evil with no proof. 3. It represents evil opinion about others.
Look we all fall into mistakes;It's okay but two wrongs don't make a right; The action done is wrong and blaming others or accusing people of envy because we fell into a mistake is also wrong.

Here's a good Hadeeth:

Anas b. Malik reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Allah is more pleased with the repentance of a servant as he turns towards Him for repentance than this that one amongst you is upon the camel in a waterless desert and there is upon (that camel) his provision of food and drink also and it is lost by him, and he having lost all hope (to get that) lies down in the shadow and is disappointed about his camel and there he finds that camel standing before him. He takes hold of his nose string and then out of boundless joy says: 0 Lord, Thou art my servant and I am Thine Lord. He commits this mistake out of extreme delight.

Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: Had you not committed sins, Allah would have brought into existence a creation that would have committed sin (and Allah) would have forgiven them.


Don't loose hope in the Mercy of The Lord

I'm sorry if I was mean, I'm often wrong so I hope you get better advice from members in this Forum
May God bless you with Eternal Happiness in this World and the Hereafter.

Salaam

Sister, if your wali is against it, then there isn't much you can do but accept and move on. If they are and his parents aren't accepting, then he needs to man up and be "firm" with them or leave you altogether.

Forget about all the stuff you've done. They were mistakes. Don't dwell on them.

Love makes you do stupid, crazy stuff that you regret later on.. But everyone makes mistakes.. Just use this blessed month to repent to Allah.. & stop talkin to each other.. If its meant to be, Allah will make a way for you. no one can stop that.. If not, then Allah has someone better for you in store..

:wa:

Jazak'Allaah khayr for your replies. May Allaah reward you all ameen.

my wali did agree. he was really happy, until the brother called it all off. His dad said, lets use ramadhan and make lots of dua.. if this is good for them it will get sorted. My dad agreed. but obviously he doesnt feel the same way about it.

He said he forgave me. and i believe Allaah will forgive me too. but i cannot seem to forgive myself. everything i did keeps running through my head, and the lies and the lengths i went to, to cover it up. i feel like such a deceitful sick person.

how do i get his trust back now??

i am going for umrah on the 16th insha'Allaah (alhamdulilah), we are not in touch anymore, because of ramadhan, and plus because we have already done things the wrong way so dont want to go behind our parents backs again. but.. if he decides to continue with this, he will need to use all the time i am away to start convincing his parents again.. but how can he decide to go ahead with it, without me showing him that i am truthful, that i made a huge mistake, and that all his doubts about me being insecure are being worked on etc.

i feel like we both need to kind of know a little bit about what we want, so whilst im there with my family i can do dua and work on them, and whilst he is here, he can do the same. he did say leave it until after ramadhan, but surely he needs to decide or atleast tell me what he is most likely wanting to do. i say this because if we discuss it after i am back, we will then need time to convince our parents again- my dad is thinking of going to pakistan and wants to me go with him. so if his family are happy to progress they will need to come soon after we are back?

i struggle to sleep because i feel so burdened and in so much pain. i am not able to enjoy ramadhan. this whole thing has just drained everything out of me.

I feel like i need to keep ringing him or texting him (i havent dont worry) to express how sorry and regretful i am, for playing with him and putting him through that! but i cant..

one problem is, before he called it off, he never ever opened up to me. he said he had doubts and was stressed, and because i keep asking him to talk to me, rather than giving him space, he just shut down and called it all over.

after speaking to him the other day, after 3 weeks, he was talking so calmly, and it was the first time he opened up and i got to see what his worries and concerns were. but thats after all the mess of the families now knowing..

This is what happens when you have these ridiculously long 'engagements' - shaytaan gets engaged too, if your parents were ok with you two getting engaged why didn't you just go ahead and get married?

Delaying the whole marriage process only leads to problems.

i know, we wanted to have the nikah done as soon as possible to protect ourselves, but my side were like lets just do it all together. you are totally right.. shaytaan got engaged with us too

what to do now?

together.. as in nikah and walima together. at the end of this year..

how do i get his trust back now??

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what to do now?

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Salaam
Okay , you want to build trust? Then you have to become an honest person ( not that I'm saying you're not please don't get me wrong; I'm probably worst than anyone especially when it comes to honesty) But Honesty as said is the best policy ever. Change and let people around you ( your Parents and Family) notice this positive change.
If you speak to him right now, he'll probably figure that you are in desperate state which is not good for the situation nor for your Marriage; What to do would be doing the right thing no matter how hard it seems to be ask God help and He will help you. You just need to say it right away say the truth what you did and why you did it; because this is the only way you will build trust if you don't confess he will start having doubts and therefore not trust you and the shaytan will give him bad idea's about you, so you need to speak in sincere honesty and make a promise to God and to this person that you will not ( within your best ability) return into doing what you did.

And Have Hope, Smile Insha' Allah everything will turn Good. Just pray and follow the advice sister Jewel of Wisdom gave you, Enhance your relationship with Allah because He is the controller of the hearts and He is the only One who can make you Fiance ( may I say?) trust you again.

Best wishes, Ramadan Mubarak

You're in the worst place at the moment, but it gets better after a while, the addiction starts to wear off and the intense emotions become lighter, people are sometimes like drugs, the more time you spend talking/mixing with them the harder it is to break away from them and when you do you feel really sick and all you want to do is get back in touch with them so you can get your daily dosage of them, but you have to fight it I guess and like all addictions it wears off and you feel better with time.

I think you should just go through your parents from now on when it comes to corresponding with potential marriage partners because then you protect yourself emotionally, relationships can be devastating and cause you to age alot from stress and worry, try to relax and just look to the future and not dwell on what's happened. and for this situation you're in leave it on Allah,


do istikhara and if things don't work out then it wasn't meant to be for whatever reason only Allah knows. Maybe he would have made you miserable in marriage allah hu alam but Allah would only do what's best for you so don't worry and think you've lost the 1 person who you was meant to be with cos that isn't the case.

He said he has forgiven me for what I did, because he knows I was in an extreme state. but how can i be sure? how can i make sure this doesnt affect his decision going forward?

he said he looks at the whole year we have known one another and see's the good in me. although he has doubts about certain things, but what is keeping him is that last year and how good we were and could be.

why do i feel like i still need to make amends. what if this situation is in the back of his head, nagging him, and i need to show him that i made a huge mistake and i accept what i did, and it was wrong.. explain how hurt i was and what led me to do it..

Asalam alaikum,

First off,Ramadhan Mubarak to you and your family.In this holy month of ramadhaan we should try our very best to try to connect with Allaah in all regards and that to with the best of our abilities. We should utilize this month in doing as many good deeds as we possibly can.For now,both of you should concentrate on the month of Ramadhan and try to put this issue aside for a little while. Let the situation calm down,let both of you think about what occured and why it occured. Then perhaps after Ramadhan you could try to resolve the situation of crisis that you are in. Regarding the matter of trust,it in my opinion was wrong to lie to him even after you knew that he had the knowledge of the email being sent by yourself...however theres no use in crying over spilt milk,insha'Allaah as Allaah permits you will regain his trust over time,be patient however and honest at the same time in order to acheive the best results for yourself. This could very well be a test from Allaah,a testimony to your emaan. Allaah only tests the people he wants to test,just be patient and honest and insha'Allaah everything will be alright.

May Allaah help all of us,and forgive us for the wrongdoing that we have committed throughout our lives.ameen.

Ukti said:

He said he has forgiven me for what I did, because he knows I was in an extreme state. but how can i be sure? how can i make sure this doesnt affect his decision going forward?

he said he looks at the whole year we have known one another and see's the good in me. although he has doubts about certain things, but what is keeping him is that last year and how good we were and could be.

why do i feel like i still need to make amends. what if this situation is in the back of his head, nagging him, and i need to show him that i made a huge mistake and i accept what i did, and it was wrong.. explain how hurt i was and what led me to do it..

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Asalaamu Alaikum, sister you really need to stop blaming yourself. its not like you are the only one to be blamed for this. Firstly as you know you let shaythan into your interactions. From there it is always going to be chaos.

You were driven to do what you did because of the fact that he lost interest in you after you got into a relationship with him. Obviously if you are so close to someone in that way and they start ignoring you then it will drive you to do something crazy. So you are both to blame not just you. He clearly lost interest in you and started having doubts in his heart about your relationship together.

It is clear that you are still not thinking straight. You do not need to go to desperate lengths to try and prove anything to him. Just leave things as they are. You will only make things worse if you try to contact him. Have you not done enough damage by having haraam interactions?

So sister just leave it be. Just because you got engaged to someone it does not mean that they are destined for you. That is why there is no such thing as engagement in Islam there is only nikah. It is clear that it maybe destiny that the both of you are not meant to be. You need to start accepting that you and him may never get to marriage. You need to also accept that whatever Allah decides will happen and it maybe that if you do marry him things will get worse and your marriage will end in divorce as is the case with most marriages which start off in a haraam way.

Therefore you need to start looking after your heart now and start accepting the fact that it may never happen and if it does then it was best for you but if it was'nt then Allah has someone better in store for you. You are not helping yourself by wanting to contact him in desperation. You must wake up into reality now. The dreams you had with him were just dreams and may never become reality. Reality is very different. It maybe that there is someone better for you out there.

So you must astop blaming yourself because things went wrong a long time before you caused that incident. It was not just your dojng but his aswell. So the steps you must take is to ask of Allah sincerely to do what is best for you. Do not ask him to marry him to you but ask him to marry him to you if it is best for the both of you. After that leave your trust with Allah. Surely he will do what is best for you.

Sister don't let this or anything else ruin your Ramadan. This month is too important to waste for anyone or anything. Therefore make the best of each precious second of this most blessed month. Use this precious month to get closer to Allah. Subhaanallah you are so blessed that Allah has given you the opportunity to go to his house in Makkah. Not many get that chance especially in this blessed month of Ramadan. So see that as a true blessing.

The past is the past. We learn from our failures not our succeses. Whatever has happened has happened now. Repent sincerely with remorse and intention never to repeat such an act again and you will find Allah most merciful. Look forward now not back. Tomorrow is another day and yesterday is long gone.

Just put your FULL faith, reliance, trust and hopes in Allah and leave everything to him. If you leave all of your affairs to him then you will accept the outcome as the best thing for you.

May Allah do what is best for you. Ameen

I am really hurting today. my heart really really hurts!

so many thoughts, questions, things i want to say/know running through my head.

i feel a huge physical void in my chest.

im unable to leave the house in fear of someone asking me how my 'engagement' is going. friends are calling/texting me and i dont have it in my to reply.

my family are all broken too- mum and dad never have got on. all my life they have fought one another. my family dont talk to my sister who got married. my brother and his wife seperated from us.

i have no peace at home.

i was sexually abused as a child by my cousin. my dad physically and verbally abused us all

my mum is still so volatile.

im just a mess. messed up. broken. lost.

Im mentally tired and worn out.

I have decided I want to do umrah on his behalf. because i feel that bad and feel its the only way i can make up for my bad deed. insha'Allaah he will get the reward of doing umrah in the month of ramadhan.

is this ok, does anyone know?

Ukti said:

I have decided I want to do umrah on his behalf. because i feel that bad and feel its the only way i can make up for my bad deed. insha'Allaah he will get the reward of doing umrah in the month of ramadhan.

is this ok, does anyone know?

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Sister he is nothing to you. You and him are not even legal for each other right now so why would you do that? What have you dfone to him so great that you are feeling this way? You are just feeling lost right now and i think Umrah would be perfect for you to go and clear your head. Do Umrah not for anyone else but for the pleasure of Allah. You own him NOTHING. You and him had a haraam relationship and now its over. Everything happens for the best.

You should accept that whatever is destined for you will be the best for you. Do you not trust in Allah's decisions and his decree>? Does he not know what is best for you? Therefore put your FULL trust in him and stop blaming yourself for the both of you are to blame for getting into a haraam relationship in the first place. It is NOT your fault what is happening but it is what was meant to happen.

My sister please come back into reality now and realise that you are wasting your time thinking about him and what has happened because nothing from the past can change but what you should be concentrating on is NOW - The present. That is what matters. Repent sincerely to Allah and strive to get closer to him in this precious month. He is giving you an amazing gift by inviting you to his house in Makkah so thank him and thank him also for whatever has happened in this situation because it may be that he has saved you from getting even more hurt and ruining your life if you were to end up with him.

So my sister put your FULL trust in Allah and accept whatever happens as being the best for you. Do not waste anymore seconds of this precious month for it could be your last. This time is too important to waste. So let no more time be wasted now for these seconds that we waste in this month will be a cause for utter regret in the hereafter.

@ the op stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself, it takes two to tango as the saying goes. :hmm: