My problem and struggle

I am pretty sure I failed. I have uttered kufr twice when self talking in my head and when trying to reply to myself I uttered kufr. I am just a failure Why can't I just kill myself why can't I?! I just don't want to die but what can I do when such hell awaits my arrival. Is this really my destiny?! I hate my sins I hate myself I hate these thoughts I hate it all why did I cause this because of my ignorance and lack of heart! It just upsets me that I have been ignoring it but nothing has changed I feel like everything I do won't change the outcome of my punishment. I can't blame Allah though it's all my fault.

format_quote Originally Posted by Internal

I am pretty sure I failed. I have uttered kufr twice when self talking in my head and when trying to reply to myself I uttered kufr. I am just a failure Why can't I just kill myself why can't I?! I just don't want to die but what can I do when such hell awaits my arrival. Is this really my destiny?! I hate my sins I hate myself I hate these thoughts I hate it all why did I cause this because of my ignorance and lack of heart! It just upsets me that I have been ignoring it but nothing has changed I feel like everything I do won't change the outcome of my punishment. I can't blame Allah though it's all my fault.

When you think those thoughts, whatever it is, watch islamic videos on that specific subject.... whenever you think of something that goes against Allah... say your shahada out loud and then astagfirllah and keep saying it untill you feel better somehow..

I know its hard, iv been there with those thoughts many of times, but wallahi its all shaytan working on your weaknesses trying to turn you against Allah... so dont let shaytan win... you are a believer so are much stronger than shaytan he is here to decieve us and turn us away from Allah anyway he can, he will use our weaknesses or any doubts we have against us..

So any doubts you have research it, look about it in the Quran or hadeeths what is said about those specific subjects..

I was where you are right now not so long ago, you have to be strong and keep telling yourself that Allah is all mercifull and Allah will forgive me, think the best of Allah

The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’”

[Sahih Al-Bukhari]


We are all sinners, none of us are pefect at all in any way... but the worst of people end up becoming the best,

You have Allah to turn to, to talk to, when you go and pray stay in sujood (in the last rakah before sitting up for tashahud and salam) stay in sujood and just cry your eyes out to Allah, tell Allah your pain tell Allah everything ask Allah to help you and guide you and whatever else it is that you want from Allah... that helped me so much, just there in sujood crying to my Allah in sha Allah it will help you so try it

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

When you think those thoughts, whatever it is, watch islamic videos on that specific subject.... whenever you think of something that goes against Allah... say your shahada out loud and then astagfirllah and keep saying it untill you feel better somehow..

I know its hard, iv been there with those thoughts many of times, but wallahi its all shaytan working on your weaknesses trying to turn you against Allah... so dont let shaytan win... you are a believer so are much stronger than shaytan he is here to decieve us and turn us away from Allah anyway he can, he will use our weaknesses or any doubts we have against us..

So any doubts you have research it, look about it in the Quran or hadeeths what is said about those specific subjects..

I was where you are right now not so long ago, you have to be strong and keep telling yourself that Allah is all mercifull and Allah will forgive me, think the best of Allah

The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’”

[Sahih Al-Bukhari]


We are all sinners, none of us are pefect at all in any way... but the worst of people end up becoming the best,

You have Allah to turn to, to talk to, when you go and pray stay in sujood (in the last rakah before sitting up for tashahud and salam) stay in sujood and just cry your eyes out to Allah, tell Allah your pain tell Allah everything ask Allah to help you and guide you and whatever else it is that you want from Allah... that helped me so much, just there in sujood crying to my Allah in sha Allah it will help you so try it

It's just uttering it which worries me and since i did I just feel empty like my iman has been destroyed because what I said out loud. I never wanted to lose my iman but now I don't know what I am in front of Allah.

format_quote Originally Posted by Internal

It's just uttering it which worries me and since i did I just feel empty like my iman has been destroyed because what I said out loud. I never wanted to lose my iman but now I don't know what I am in front of Allah.

Keep saying astagfirllah, your shahada, as soon as you say it recite your shahada then astagfirllah.
The fact you feel bad about it shows you still have emaan in your heart, if you didnt feel bad then you should start to be a bit worried about your emaan...
The sign of feeling guilty and bad about our sins is a good sign.
Just keep pushing to do good things, watch some islamic lectures on topics of your choice, or even better yet Allahs mercy towards us, it will melt your heart.
Shaytan is not stronger than a believer unless you let him be.
Remind yourself you are a slave of Allah, and shaytan is a clear cut enemy to all of mankind
When shaytan reminds you of your past or your sins, remind shaytan of his future in jahanumm that is written for him we know shaytans future, but we dont know ours, your determination to be away from sin to stop bad could earn you the mercy from Allah... you just have to believe Allah is all mercifull and he will forgive.
The door is always open for repenting, while you still have emaan... use it !

format_quote Originally Posted by Internal

Thanks for the help it's just I want to feel guilt I know my wrongs I know what I have done is wrong but I don't want to be destroyed cause of things I uttered from my mouth or in my head. However now I just want to utter good. I want to be healed inshallah I know I am rock bottom but my faith is me my love for Allah made me the person I am. I don't want to throw it away because of the shaytan or my evil self.

You have to remember Allah is all mercifull to you as long as you repent..
If you do a sin and dont repent you will not be forgiven...why ? Because you didnt ask.... its as simple as that.

We all say silly things in our head, but we must say astagfirllah as soon as it happens, even say auhdu billahi minash shaytanir rajeem (i seek refuge in Allah from the accursed shaytan) repeat that as much as you need to, it does help.
Pray, play Quran, watch lectures, do anything you can to melt your heart to the deen, go to the masjid and be around believers, try not to be alone through this, its harder to deal with when your alone, even if you have just one person who you confide in and will remind you of Allah every step of the way
Do dikhr and say
SubhanAllah - Glory is for Allah
Alhamdulilah - All praise is for Allah
Allahu Akbar - Allah is greatest

As many times as you want !

Have you been diagnosed with any mental health problems at all ?
Maybe you could benifit from rukya (its not just for those who are possessed) you could do self rukya where you listn/recite certain ayats of the Quran wich can help.
(Just type in youtube "self rukya ayats" there is many to choose from)

But honestly try your best to keep up with prayers, keep remembering Allah small steps to always remember Him and protect yourself :
On your bathroom door put the dua you say before you enter(and enter with left foot)
It was narrated from Zayd ibn Arqam (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “These toilets are haunted (inhabited by devils), so when anyone of you goes to the toilet let him say,*‘A’oodhu Billaahi min al-khubthi wa’l-khabaa’ith*(I seek refuge Allaah from the male and female devils).” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 6; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.*
- say bismillah before you eat or drink anything
- when you finish eating or drinking say Alhamdulilah
- when you leave or enter the house give the salams
- if you are away from your house for more than 3 days, once you return play Surah Al Bakara (you have 3 days to play the whole surah) to ward off any jinn or shaytteen
https://youtu.be/3embG9qWyDo
After fajr and magrib prayer recite the 3 quls in order 3 times so, surah ikhlas, Falaq, nas x 3 then ayuhtul kursi
-ayatul kursi after every prayer
- try to get use to saying "subhanAllah" instead of "omg"
just make small little changes and you will notice the difference.

Maybe if you say when or why you have these moments then insha Allah we can clear up any confusions.... do you have any doubts about something, or has something you have learnt about islam made you think "but how or why" sometimes not understanding properly or assuming it means something totally different than what it actually means, makes shaytan come to you and whisper and doubt your deen even more, thats how these thoughts and feelings come